He took a step back, looked at her as though he hadn’t seen her in a very long time, and asked, “What was that back there? Why did you storm off in a huff?”
Was he really that clueless? She pressed her lips together, considering her answer for all of two seconds before gesturing toward the shelter and saying, “He was being difficult.”
Pierce’s eyes widened. “Because he didn’t want you to worry about him or because of the way in which he told you not to do so?”
“He…” She shoved her hands in her pockets and glanced around for a moment, arranging her thoughts properly this time before saying, “He hasn’t been as energetic recently as he usually is. I’m afraid there’s something he’s hiding.”
Pierce’s expression tightened while his eyes creased at the corners. “You think he might be ailing without telling you?”
“All I know is that he insists this will be his last season and that he’s being more hasty with this dig than usual. It’s as if he’s keeping his own deadline.”
He held her gaze until she began to feel uncomfortable, but just when she started to turn away, he said, “I don’t know if this means anything, but the doctor in Dawson inquired about him. He said it had been a while since he’d seen him, and he wondered how he’s doing.”
She stared back at Pierce. “What?”
“When I took Frank in…”
A wave of prickly uneasiness swept over her. “That was like a month ago, Pierce. Why on earth didn’t you say something sooner?”
“Because a lot of other stuff happened. I got distracted and forgot about it, Sarah. Besides, I asked the doctor if there was anything to worry about, and when he said there wasn’t, I figured he was just being polite once he realized we knew each other. It wasn’t until you voiced your concerns that it occurred to me it might have meant something more.”
“You’re right,” she said, unwilling to think the worst. “It was probably just a bit of friendly conversation.” Still, she couldn’t shake the sudden sense of foreboding that seemed to have captured her.
Pierce nodded. Glancing over his shoulder he looked toward the shelter for a moment before turning back to face Sarah. “In any case, I’ll help keep an eye on him, but you might consider taking him into town for another doctor’s visit.”
She groaned in response to that suggestion. “That will be as easy as changing the direction of the wind, Pierce.”
“I know, but it won’t hurt to try.”
“It’s becoming increasingly obvious you don’t know my grandfather very well at all.”
“Not as well as you, that’s for sure,” he agreed. “If you need me to help you talk him into it, I’ll be happy to do so. I’ll come with you to the doctor as well if you like. But I think it would be a good idea to at least attempt it, not just for his sake, but for your own peace of mind.”
Sighing heavily, Sarah nodded. “I’ll let you know what happens. Thanks.”
His mouth widened, transforming into a smile that struck her senses with a blow. “Don’t mention it.” He held her gaze, and there it was again, that now-familiar attraction bubbling between them and shifting the air around them. But rather than act on it, as she invariably hoped he might, he remained where he was, keeping his distance – a reminder he still wasn’t ready to put the past behind him and move on.
She almost winced with the pain of it, of having fallen hopelessly in love with a man who quite possibly would never be able to return her affection. But she managed a smile as well, in spite of how it felt. “I have to go,” she said and took a step back. “Jack and Peter are waiting.”
And as she walked away, the distance between herself and Pierce increasing with every step, she couldn’t help but wonder if he would ever be ready to fall in love again, or if Caroline’s hold on him would be too strong for her to compete with.
Pulling off his work gloves, Pierce swiped the back of his hand across his face as he went to join the rest of the crew about a week later. They were all gathered around the sluice box and watching it expectantly. Instinctively, his gaze settled on Sarah, who was bent over, staring into the blurry mixture of water and gravel with riveted interest. Had it really been a month since Frank and Jenny’s visit? He felt the skin pinch on the bridge of his nose. Things had been different between him and Sarah since then. The attraction was still there, as strong as ever, but there was distance and awkwardness now – an unwillingness to submit. And he knew that it was because of him, because he felt that if he allowed Sarah into his heart, it would be a betrayal of everything he’d had with Caroline.
That night after dinner, when Thomas and Sarah had left, he’d gone into his room and picked up Caroline’s photo. And then the knot had formed in his throat, tight and uncomfortable, and before he’d known it, he’d been weeping in a way that he hadn’t wept since the day she’d died. “Forgive me,” he’d begged her, his heart raw with the unexpected desire he felt for Sarah.
Jenny had walked in then. He’d heard her gentle footsteps stopping in the doorway, but hadn’t turned to face her because he’d been too ashamed to share his thoughts.
“She would want you to be happy, Pierce, and you deserve to be happy.” She’d expelled a deep sigh. “Caroline knew you loved her, but this isn’t right. You must stop torturing yourself so you can be free to live your life.”
Setting the picture aside, he’d squeezed his eyes shut and confessed, “I feel as though I’m being unfaithful. And it’s the most rotten feeling in the world.”
“Oh, my dear.” She’d come close enough to give him a hug, her slim arms reaching around him with a strength that had caught him completely unawares. “Sarah is a wonderful choice for you, Pierce, and I am sure Caroline would approve of her if she could.” She’d then whispered, “Let her go, Pierce. Let her rest in peace.”
Those words had echoed through his mind ever since, but in spite of his continued attempts to change and his decision to try and do as Jenny had advised, Sarah remained out of reach. It was as if she’d decided he wasn’t interested in a deeper relationship and had consequently pulled back completely.
He couldn’t blame her. He would probably have done the same. Which left them both in this strange mess of unsettled emotion. Inhaling deeply, he ignored the temptation to reach out and touch her now, and gave his attention to Thomas instead. Ever since Sarah had shared her concerns about her grandfather, Pierce had vigilantly watched the man, uneasy with the way he occasionally stiffened, as though something pained him.
He did so again now, his expression strained as he closed his eyes in a tight squeeze. Reaching out, he seemed to search for something to hold onto. Pierce hurried to his side, offering him his arm. “You don’t look well,” Pierce told him, deliberately keeping his voice low since nobody else had noticed Thomas’s discomfort. The old man winced and then puffed out a breath. “I can walk you back to the shelter so you can sit down and rest.”
Thomas responded with a fierce shake of his head. “I want to stay right here.”
Torn between doing what he thought was right and heeding the man’s wishes, Pierce reluctantly relented. He’d stay by Thomas’s side in case he needed further assistance. But a moment passed, the trommel was stopped, and the sluice box removed for further examination. The strain gradually eased from Thomas’s features, and it was as if he’d never looked ill at all.
“I think we did well this time,” Sarah announced as the sluice box was carried away for filtering. “I saw some pretty big pieces of gold in there.”
“I knew it,” Thomas said with no trace of fatigue or other discomfort. On the contrary, he sounded energetic as he moved toward his granddaughter and said, “What did I tell you, Sarah?”
A wide grin spread its way across her face. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet, but I will say that it looks very promising.”
“Well, I’m not going to stand about here wondering about it,” Thomas said. “I’m off to see what comes out of that sluice box.”
Pierce watched him go, leaving Sarah and Pierce alone. “I was wondering,” he said, “if you’ve made any progress regarding a doctor’s visit for your grandfather.”
Sarah’s smile fell away so swiftly Pierce almost regretted mentioning the matter. But it was important. It had to be dealt with.
She crossed her arms and tilted her head. “He’s refused to go, and I can hardly drag him there by force.”
“No. You can’t.” He didn’t like it, but if she was unable to make the old man see reason, there was little he could do but help if asked to do so. Deciding to change the subject, he said, “I just received a copy of How to Steal a Million and was wondering if you, Jack, and Thomas would like to watch it with me tonight. You can come over to my place for a change. I bought popcorn.”
She hesitated a moment, just long enough to suggest that she wasn’t sure about sharing his company. The thought struck him like a blow – hurtful but understandable, given the shift in their relationship.
“Thanks,” she eventually said. “I’ll check to see if they’re up for it.”
“Sure. It was just an idea. I mean, if you’re busy or too tired, I understand.”
She said nothing to that, though a frown did appear upon her brow as they started back toward the shelter, as though she was giving the matter a great deal of thought. But then she said, “It would be really great if we can get ten ounces of gold this time,” indicating that her thoughts had already moved away from him and his movie night and back to her work.
Unsure of how to change that, to return to the closeness they’d started to share before he’d mucked it all up with his problems, Pierce returned home later with a heavy heart. Sarah hadn’t confirmed whether or not she, Jack, and Thomas would be joining him later. She’d been too busy enjoying the fine results from the sluice box, which had come to a grand total of fifteen ounces, equivalent to almost twenty thousand dollars. So when he’d left for the day and said goodbye to her, she’d barely glanced in his direction. Her attention had been on planning the next day’s dig and undoubtedly far removed from enjoying a movie.
Sighing, he pushed his front door open and stepped into the entryway. He shrugged out of his jacket and took off his boots before crouching to pet Fido, who wagged his tail in response. Chest heavy with the knowledge he still hadn’t addressed his heartache properly or sought the closure he needed if he were to one day move on from the loss that consumed him, he stood and went into the living room. There he paused, his courage wavering as it always did when he considered opening the letter Caroline had left him.
He squeezed his eyes shut and curled his fingers into fists. If he and Sarah were to stand a chance, he would have to get past the fear of finality somehow. Inhaling deeply, he went to the chest of drawers on which the T.V. stood and opened the bottom drawer. His fingers brushed the leather bound album hidden away inside, and he paused for a second before pulling it out.
Crossing to the sofa on leaden feet, Pierce sat and opened the album, his heart immediately clenching at the sight of a family photo with him and Caroline at the center. Pierce flipped the page, and pictures of him and Caroline exiting the church with beaming smiles came into view.
“Oh, sweetheart.” His voice squeezed past the lump in his throat, and he turned another few pages until he found the envelope he sought. Taking a moment to gather his strength, he finally tore it open and pulled out the letter.
Pierce unfolded a couple of pages and stared at the cursive handwriting that was still so familiar. His throat closed up completely at the sight of his name. He blinked, the pages rustling between his hands. Emotion stabbed him right in the chest, blurring his vision. So he leaned back, closed his eyes for a moment, and took a deep, fortifying breath. Seconds passed until he could feel his pulse starting to slow. Bowing his head over the pages once more, he swiped the tears from his eyes and did his best to focus on the words, allowing them to carry him along.
My dearest Pierce,
Looking back at the years you and I have spent together, I think of the night when we first met. It was at Jennifer and Tom’s party, if you’ll recall, back when they still had that small one-bedroom apartment in the Village. I remember it being terribly hot that evening and that all the windows stood open. But that didn’t seem to help much, so I snuck out onto the fire escape with my drink and found you there, casually leaning against the railing as if you belonged in an old black and white movie. We spoke about everything in the time we spent out there alone, from our jobs to politics to our favorite kind of music. I’d never heard of Stray Cats before and you’d never seen Some Like it Hot – a serious lapse in your cinematic awareness that we later rectified when I invited you over to my place.
The fire escape that evening when you and I first met was our own private island in the middle of the busy city. At some point, while discussing our plans for the future, you said you’d never consider raising a family in a place where your children couldn’t have their own garden in which to play. I agreed. After all, I’d spent my own childhood in a four bedroom house in New Jersey, and I knew I would one day want that again. Even after we moved in together and got our promotions, roots burrowing deeper in a place we hoped to one day leave behind, we still talked about getting a house somewhere far away in a place with fewer restrictions, somewhere free where we would be able to raise our children with old-fashioned values. We both dreamt of one day giving up our corporate jobs in favor of something simpler. The only trouble with that idea was that we always thought we had plenty of time in which to do so. But time has run out, my love, and it is clear now that you are going to have to go on without me.
Expelling a ragged breath, Pierce turned to the next page, his eyes once again welling with tears at the memory of what they’d once shared, of Caroline’s beauty and goodness, and of how unfair life could be.
You are my best friend, Pierce, and when I am gone, I know that part of my soul will live on through you. But I also know how difficult it will be for you to move on because of the responsibility you feel toward the people you care about. Let me ease your burden by assuring you that you did all you could for me and that I have never felt more loved than I do right now with you by my side. Your support and kindness, your love and ability to make me smile, have helped ease the pain in a way nothing else can. Which is why I want to remind you of the promise we once made, to love each other…until death do us part. You aren’t meant to go on alone, Pierce. I know love will find you again one day, and when it does, I want you to embrace it as wholeheartedly as you’ve embraced me.
Don’t fill the years ahead of you with loneliness or guilt. Instead, please try to make them count so you can live the rest of your life for both of us. I know you loved me and that you will never stop loving me, but that doesn’t mean you cannot love someone else as well.
My biggest regret if I have to name it is that I’ll never know what it’s like to be a parent. I don’t want you to share that regret with me for any reason. So if you ever feel as though you need my blessing, then by all means, you have it.
With all the love in the world and best wishes for your continued happiness, I remain forever yours,
Caroline
A sob broke from deep within Pierce’s chest, and he set the letter aside, tears streaming down his cheeks in a way that would likely embarrass most men. He brushed them aside with the back of his hand. Christ, how well had she known him? She’d painted a vivid picture of the life he’d led for the last year and a half, and she’d asked him to choose a different path. She’d even gone so far as to give him her blessing.
Hands trembling, he stood and carefully slid the letter back between the pages of the wedding album while taking a moment to glance at the lovely image the two of them had presented – she in a simple white gown and he in a navy blue suit. His fingers traced over her face, the youthful lines forever captured in a photograph.
Swallowing the heartache and the sentimental yearning for what was lost, he went to p
our himself a glass of Macallan. Jenny had been right. Caroline did want him to make a new life for himself, to move on and start the family they’d always hoped for. But he’d been stubborn and riddled with guilt and the pain of overwhelming loss. Each time he’d thought he’d been ready, something had happened – a memory had sneaked its way in, and he’d found himself paralyzed by the love he still harbored for Caroline and the guilt he’d felt at the idea of moving on. And now…
A knock sounded at the door. He set his glass aside and went to open it, surprised to find Sarah there with Jack and Thomas standing behind her. Her eyes widened as she glanced at him. “Did something bad happen? You look like a wreck, Pierce.”
Struggling to smile, he opened the door wider and gestured for them to enter. “It’s nothing a glass of whiskey won’t fix. Would you care for some?”
“Err…” She hesitated. “We can come back some other time if you like.”
“No.” The word came out sharper than he’d intended. Easing his tone, he added, “I’d like the company, if you don’t mind.”
“It’s why we’re here,” Jack announced, already pushing his way past his sister.
“I’m sorry,” she muttered while Jack disappeared into the living room with Thomas following close behind him.
“Don’t be.” Stepping behind her, he began helping her off with her jacket. “I’m glad you’re here. Really glad, actually.”
Chapter Fifteen
Sarah’s heart made a funny little leap. She’d had a difficult time working out whether or not Pierce was interested in her in that way or not, concluding that regardless of his interest, he certainly wasn’t ready. And so, in order to preserve her own sanity and prevent herself from getting hurt, she’d put distance between them. An invisible wall between Pierce and her heart.
But something seemed to have changed over the course of the past day, and most especially since she’d seen him at work. He looked as though he’d just shed a heavy burden, his face drawn and his eyes hinting at tears.
The Love That Saved Him Page 17