by Becky Wicks
‘Lucas?’ Freya was talking to him now, standing in front of him, hands on his shoulders. He hadn’t even heard what she’d said. He was watching Jan drape a sheet across Martijn’s face.
Martijn was gone.
‘Lucas.’
His anger rose and fell inside him like a tidal wave, blending with an epic sense of failure. He’d failed his friend...and himself.
Pulling his hand from Freya’s, he tore off his apron and tossed it on the counter, forcing his legs to extract him from the scene and somehow get him to the exit.
* * *
The ambulance left to take Martijn’s body to the hospital morgue for an autopsy, and Freya found Lucas outside with Shadow. The night was cooler now than before. A full moon threw a spotlight across the water, broken by ripples. It looked too idyllic a scene to have witnessed what had just happened. ‘Lucas, I’m so sorry...’
‘I should have picked up on the signs,’ he insisted, shoving his hair back from his face.
‘What? How could you have seen the signs, you said yourself he was stubborn, and didn’t say anything to anyone.’
‘He told Fayola he felt weak.’
‘She wouldn’t have known to think anything of it. Lucas, this is no one’s fault, certainly not yours.’
He was sitting on the bench facing the canal, and she slid to his side, putting a hand tentatively on his arm again. Lucas looked exhausted and shocked and she could tell how much Martijn had meant to him. It was up to her to provide him with some modicum of strength at this moment, though she was trembling herself with adrenaline and despair.
Lucas hadn’t let it show until the very end when he’d removed himself from the situation, but he was clearly devastated to have lost a friend. This, on top of what he’d told her before about his father. Her heart was going out to him.
‘They asked about next of kin,’ she said. Her voice came out choked. Lucas just shook his head. ‘He had no one. No one but us.’
His shoulders sank a little lower and she placed a hand on his back, feeling helpless. ‘It’s a tragedy, Lucas. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?’
‘We have to go back in there... People still need to be fed.’
He made to stand up, but she pulled him back down with a strength that arose from nowhere. ‘Fayola’s taken over. She said it was the least she could do. They’ll make do with what was already cooked... Lucas, you shouldn’t even be thinking about that right now. We’ve given our reports, we’ve done all we can.’
He sucked in a breath and clasped his hands together on his knees. She knew there was nothing she could say or do except try to be there for him, if he wanted her to be.
Shadow let out another soft whine, shifting his fuzzy, heavy head to her feet. She put one hand down to stroke him, wondering momentarily what would happen to him now. He reminded her of a dog Anouk used to have and she remembered she’d seen boxes of pet care items at the house in her clear-out.
‘I have some dog food and a bed for this guy at the house. I can take him with me.’
‘That’s good, because I left Sheba out at my place,’ he replied, looking down at her hand on his knee. She hadn’t even realised she’d put it there, but before she could move it, he flattened his palm on hers and brought her fingers to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to the back of her hand, letting his mouth linger there. ‘Thank you for everything you did in there, Freya.’
‘I’m just sorry it wasn’t enough to save him.’ Freya paused a moment, feeling the warmth where he’d kissed her hand start to creep up her arm, along the side closest to him. ‘Your bike is here too, right? Why don’t you come back with me and Shadow for a while? I can...make us some tea.’
Her invitation hung in the air like a star and he seemed to contemplate it. Either that or he hadn’t even heard her through the thoughts that must have been whirring around in his brain. She stood and held a hand out, half expecting him to refuse, that he had to go home. ‘I just kept seeing my father lying there,’ he said instead. His voice was a rasp, like he was swallowing tears and fighting an urge to throw something at the same time.
She sat down again, surprised at how her eyes pooled just hearing him.
‘He was so strong once too,’ Lucas said. ‘Now he’s just... I don’t know what the future holds for him. I don’t even know if he has much of a future left. I can’t help him fight his disease any more than I could help Martijn back there.’
‘You can’t think like that,’ Freya told him sternly. ‘Lucas, this just has to be a lesson, right? Make every moment count, do as much with your time together as you can. That’s what you did with Martijn. He was probably so grateful and happy to have found your friendship for however long he had it.’
Without thinking, she rested her head softly against his shoulder. His hand came up slowly, almost hesitantly around the back of her neck, and she thought she felt him drop another kiss, as gentle as a feather, on the side of her head. It sent a lightning bolt of desire through her entire body.
This was one of those moments she’d remember for ever. It was tragic, impactful, but shared. Neither of them would have handled tonight the same without the other and she’d never, ever felt this way before, so connected to someone but so afraid of losing that connection at the same time. He probably wasn’t looking for anything serious either. At least he hadn’t implied it. And she’d gone out of her way to assure him of her desire to be alone, because being alone was safer—no one could hurt her with her walls up. After everything they’d been through, they were still at an impasse.
‘Who is Sheba, by the way?’ she asked eventually.
‘My python,’ he replied.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
THE LIVING ROOM of Anouk’s house with its high beamed ceilings felt too big, even with Lucas in it. Shadow made himself busy, sniffing around the space she’d cleared for him under the spiral staircase, as she carried two mugs of tea across the faded carpets. Lucas moved a folded bit of cardboard under one leg of the coffee table to steady it.
‘Thank you. Like I said, there’s a lot of work to do here.’
‘I like it,’ he said, and his eyes burned like hot coals into her side as she felt him watching her put the mugs down. To her surprise he caught her hand again from his position on the green velvet couch and held it tight, stroking one thumb with his. She stood there, feeling the room get smaller, and smaller. Then, tentatively, she sat beside him, drawing her legs up under her. They were both still in the clothes they’d worn earlier.
‘I can order us a pizza,’ she offered now, aware of his hand still in hers as much as the open bedroom door, which revealed the quirky four-poster bed and its old-fashioned drapes. She’d been sleeping in the downstairs room because it was Anouk’s old bedroom, and the only one not rammed with stuff.
‘The kitchen isn’t really...well...’ She motioned behind her to the kitchen with its unplugged oven and taped-shut cupboard doors, and Lucas gave her a half-smile.
‘Those windmill tiles are a feature, you know,’ he said. ‘I already told you some people would pay a fortune for originals like those.’
‘Well, maybe I’ll leave them if they add to the value. I’ll see what the estate agent says.’
He nodded thoughtfully. ‘Do you have an estate agent yet?’
‘I made a few calls,’ she told him. It was the truth, though she hadn’t followed up on their calls.
‘Joy’s helping me paint this weekend. We’re getting one of the rooms ready for Liv,’ she told him instead.
‘Making friends, and amends, huh?’ Lucas studied her eyes. ‘That’s really good to hear, Freya. Best news I’ve had all day, considering.’ The sound of her name on his lips, in this house, somehow did funny things to her heart. He rubbed his temples with his fingers and let out a deep sigh of exhaustion, and she resisted the urge to tell him to lie down or something.
‘Have you spoken to your mother yet?’
‘Not about the stuff that matters,’ she admitted, raking a hand through her hair and recalling the last brief call she’d answered, when her mother had said something about seeing her after taking a trip to see a favourite band in Miami. That had been right before Freya had explained she was busy and had to go. ‘So, about that pizza...’
‘I’m not hungry any more. Are you waiting till your sister gets here to talk to your mother?’
Freya raised a hand to bite her nails, then remembered she didn’t do that any more. ‘Maybe I thought having Liv with me would make it easier.’
‘It’s none of my business, you’re right,’ he said quickly, releasing her hand.
She struggled with what to say, staring at his trainers on the carpet, next to hers. ‘You’re helping me see I really do need to fix things with my family,’ she said eventually. ‘Anyway, why are we talking about me? I’m so sorry about tonight. I know Martijn meant a lot to you, and your ex too, right? You met him through her?’
She clutched her mug closer. Why did you have to mention his ex?
She knew why...they were getting too close, they were too alone. She was vulnerable with her feelings for him exposed, seeing his disappointment over her still not speaking to her mother, maybe because losing his father slowly to Alzheimer’s made that almost as much his issue as it was hers.
She still had a healthy, thriving mother for all she knew, while his father was wasting away mentally. More than any of that, he cared about her.
She was just reprimanding herself for building up another wall between them when Lucas said, ‘I should probably tell Roshinda what happened to Martijn, yes. To be honest with you, we don’t speak. We haven’t spoken since she left. She’s married now. She’s living her life, I’m living mine. You know how that goes.’
‘She’s married?’ Freya reached down to pet Shadow as he dropped at Lucas’s feet. This was news to her. Joy had said they’d seemed happy, but that Roshinda had left suddenly. Something Lucas had told her once in Vondelpark came back to her. ‘You asked me once if my ex went off and married someone else. I thought you were being funny.’
‘You remember that?’ He seemed half-amused.
‘I do.’
‘You really do have a good memory, Freya.’
‘To my own detriment, I can assure you. So she moved on from you pretty fast, then.’
‘Does that surprise you?’
‘Maybe,’ she said. He shifted on the couch to face her. ‘OK, yes, it does. You’re kind of amazing.’
‘Freya...’
Her heart started thudding at his close proximity. His blue eyes were seeing all of her, heart and soul, exposed. He placed a hand on the back of her neck again and drew her closer, pressing his lips to her forehead and inhaling long and hard against her skin, as if breathing her in was keeping him alive, or awake, maybe both. It was late.
‘I really didn’t want to like you, you know. You’re Freya with the wings, after all.’
‘And you’re Lucas with the roots.’ Her hands came up over his like she didn’t have a choice in the matter. She wasn’t sure what she was looking for; maybe a reason not to kiss him, but it felt like an age passed as she still sat there frozen, waiting.
She wasn’t sure if she pressed her lips to his exquisite mouth first, or if Lucas initiated it, but before she knew it they were kissing passionately and furiously, channelling all the pain of the evening into something else, something that might make them both forget.
As they fumbled their way to the bedroom she felt his lips on hers, as full and strong as they had been when they’d crashed together in the storeroom that first time, only now with added intensity on all counts. She could feel without a doubt that there was more he wanted—needed—from her and she would only be kidding herself if she pretended it wasn’t mutual.
Tumbling to the bed, Lucas tugged at her shirt and she lifted her arms, letting him worship her with kisses to her breasts and stomach as her blood fizzed to the centre of her being. He lowered her to her back and the passionate kisses turned slow, loving, tender as his hands tangled up in her hair, and his thumbs caressed her cheeks and left tingles on her lips.
They lay there like that for what felt like for ever, exploring each other’s mouths with a newfound delicious intimacy. It was the kind of connection some long-dormant part of her had been longing for, and pushing away for so many years, with so many guys who’d dared to like her. They didn’t speak, not with words at least, as her desire finally got the better of her, and her hands made swift work of unbuckling his jeans.
Lucas straddled her, and she shivered at the burning desire in his stare, feeling his blue eyes grazing her body in appreciation. He exuded a special kind of hunger that was usually reserved for encounters like this. Strangely, she wasn’t self-conscious at all. She was naked in so many ways already, after what they’d just experienced, after everything she’d already told him.
He brushed her cheek with a finger, so soft yet it still left sparks, and looked deeply into her eyes. Something had shifted back at the shelter, not just because of losing Martijn. This was grief, but so much more.
‘I want you,’ he half growled, lowering his muscled chest to half an inch above her naked breasts, to suck on her lower lip, then her nipples in a way that made her groan and reach a hand out to grip a bedpost.
‘I don’t want you at all,’ she heard herself teasing, as if her actions weren’t showing him how much that wasn’t true. His breathing was coming heavier, more desirous, and when he reached behind him and pulled a condom from his discarded wallet, something told her their long night wasn’t going to be over for a few more hours yet. He was tender with her, taking his time getting started, and she savoured the feeling of the length of him, feeling every part of her start to buzz in utter bliss, so much bliss she almost forgot the horror of the evening they’d just endured.
Maybe he was feeling the same. Maybe he was losing himself in her, trying to block what had just happened from his mind.
She didn’t let those thoughts get in the way of what she was feeling; so what if he was? Wasn’t she doing the same thing? He kissed her lips and their tongues danced as he moved slowly, gently, inside her, the shadows of their bodies making new shapes together on the patterned wallpaper.
The glare of a streetlamp cast a faint orange glow over their entwined limbs, almost confusing them for one entity, moving together. The euphoria she was experiencing was unlike anything she’d known in a long, long time, maybe ever, she mused to herself, feeling a smile find its way to her lips beneath his kisses.
Their bodies found a delicious rhythm as they moved, changed positions, utilised every inch of the four-poster bed. She lost track of time as they explored a new-found intimacy and his body changed before her eyes from that of something sexy to look at to something that offered shelter, protection...unadulterated bliss.
When she felt him shake and shudder with release, she let the ecstasy overwhelm her too, and she clenched her hands around the posts on either side of the bed, trembling with reaction as he finally pulled away.
‘Wow,’ they both said at the same time.
Lucas let out a quiet laugh that felt like a gentle wave washing over her and laid his head against her shoulder, one arm splayed over her naked breasts. Their legs had somehow got tangled in the top sheet and a warm breeze soothed her sweaty skin from the open window.
They were both breathing heavily, coming back to earth, and they indulged in the satiated silence as Shadow’s paws made pattering sounds on the hardwood floor around the rugs.
‘I think I want to do that again,’ she heard herself say.
‘It would be my pleasure, Doctor.’
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
‘YOU SAVED MY LIFE, Dr Van de Berg. I just wanted to say thank you.’
; Valerie Maijer-Schrot’s blonde ponytail bounced through the ring of her baseball hat as she thrust the giant bouquet of flowers at Lucas. He watched Freya’s face break into a smile behind the teen as he pulled out a brown, fuzzy toy bear from the depths of the polythene and petals.
‘A bear...very cute... Oh, and it’s wearing your football team’s T-shirt.’
Valerie took it from his hands. ‘My team got together to get you this. You can put it here to remind you of us. Next time we win a match, we’ll have you to thank. And when I play in the Women’s Championships, I’ll also have you to thank.’
She sat the bear up against the vase of tulips by the window, which Freya had arranged that morning. He’d bought the tulips for the consultation room this time, when they’d walked past the stand on the way to the hospital together. It was the third time he’d stayed at her house in as many nights this week, under the pretence of helping her walk Shadow.
He knew full well he was walking the edge of a cliff—she still hadn’t said anything about extending her contract here in the new year, and he knew he could be getting in too deep with her considering her track record for flying away, but he couldn’t deny himself the delicious tangle of limbs and the taste of her when they ended up in the bedroom...every single time.
Maybe they could just enjoy a fling?
He cleared his throat as Valerie took a photo of the bear with the flowers on her phone before taking back the seat next to her mother on the couch. ‘So how are you feeling after your operation?’
‘Great,’ Valerie enthused. ‘I should be able to get back to training soon, right?’
Her mother put a hand out to tug affectionately on her daughter’s ponytail. ‘Honey, you know Dr Van de Berg won’t encourage that.’
Valerie scoffed, crossing her arms over her Cougar Football League shirt. ‘I feel fine, Mum. He fixed me, didn’t he?’
‘Dr Van de Berg...’ Mrs Maijer-Schrot looked at him beseechingly. ‘Please will you just tell her? She keeps asking me when she can train.’