by Becky Wicks
Not that Liv was Beatrice, she reminded herself. Liv was just being nice. So what if her single half-sister had gushed several times since her arrival that, ‘Lucas is so hot!’
Freya stood. She would not let her stupid demons in here. She was only thinking all this now because her mother’s silence was still unsettling her, and if she was being totally honest with herself, she couldn’t make Lucas any promises.
She didn’t really want to think about it, but if she wasn’t staying in Amsterdam, she had no claim over him. She knew that and so did he. What if he moved on from her even faster than he’d moved on from Roshinda? She felt ice-cold just thinking about him being with someone else, especially her own sister. But at least Liv would be emotionally and physically available. She’d been talking about moving back to Amsterdam permanently.
‘Should I give you the tour, then?’ she said to Liv, trying to smile at her.
She couldn’t quite shake the persistent, upsetting thoughts from her mind as she showed her sister around, from the staffroom to Neonatal, to the playroom and the school.
Lucas didn’t deserve to have someone else he cared about leave him. He hadn’t exactly asked her to stick around, so maybe he didn’t have particularly deep feelings for her? She could have thrown caution to the wind by now and admitted that maybe it was time for her to put some roots down somewhere. Sometimes, when she got lost in his eyes, she badly wanted to.
But the words wouldn’t leave her mouth because she still felt so unsettled and torn, and not only because she still wasn’t sure what Lucas really felt for her. If her relationship with her mother was as broken as it felt it was, if she really couldn’t fix it, then she didn’t want to be here amongst all the memories that stabbed like knives at her growing happiness. She just didn’t think she could do it, not for anything or anyone. It would hurt too much.
CHAPTER TWENTY
‘I TRUST YOU,’ Anne Marie told him, taking both his hands from her place, sitting up in bed. ‘But I’m terrified.’
‘Try to relax as much as you can,’ Lucas told her kindly. He was treating her with the same professionalism he would treat any patient before surgery, and trying to forget the number of times he’d shared dinners and drinks and nights out making trouble with this couple, before and after they’d got married and had their first baby.
He’d been slightly envious of their easy partnership over the years, but he’d never thought for a second that they’d all be here now, with their second child’s life in his hands.
‘Where’s Dr Grey?’ Ruben asked, walking into the room. He was holding a bunch of flowers wrapped in Cellophane, which he placed on the bedside table. Lucas could tell his friend was nervous too—he missed the table and the flowers fell on the floor. ‘Sorry, sorry!’
‘I’ll get them,’ Lucas said, but Joy was already on her knees, picking them up.
‘It’s all good.’ Gathering up the scattered tulips and roses, she threw him an empathetic glance, and Lucas was thankful for her calm control, especially as he had no idea where Freya was.
Somewhere in the next room a baby was crying. It seemed to be making Anne Marie more nervous. He checked the tulip-shaped clock on the wall. Freya was late for the pre-surgery consultation, and that wasn’t like her.
‘I’m sure Dr Grey is on her way,’ he said. ‘She must have just been held up. We have our physician assistant Dr Rosenthal close by to describe the post-operative course again in more detail, if you need her. Freya not being here won’t affect anything in the operating room. We’re all set up for you in there.’
‘I’m so grateful it’s you doing this,’ Ruben said, and Lucas nodded, portraying the confidence he felt over operating and not hid concern over Freya’s absence. He’d seen less of her lately, thanks to Liv being around, but she’d never missed an appointment.
Five minutes ticked past.
Ten minutes.
Eventually, they couldn’t wait for her any longer.
* * *
Freya breathed in the calm of the afternoon as she cycled towards the hospital, and tried her best to extend it through non-physical means to Anne Marie. She’d been putting herself in Lucas’s friend’s shoes all morning. What if it were her, carrying a poorly baby? What if it was her child’s life and blood forming inside her, with only half a heart?
Maybe it would be a true reflection of how she’d been living, if that happened, she thought to herself. How long had she spent giving only half of herself to other people? She couldn’t even commit to poor Shadow, though he seemed to be loving life between her place and Lucas’s parents,’ place. Fred adored him.
Her thoughts about Lucas’s wonderful family were interrupted by her phone. Pulling to the kerb on the side of the canal, she fished it out, and her whole heart did a dance.
‘Mum?’
She almost couldn’t believe it. Elise sounded out of breath on the other end of the line. ‘Freya? Oh, there you are. Sorry, I’m a bit jet-lagged. I’m at the house right now. I came straight from the airport. You said you wanted to talk?’
Freya flipped the stand down on her red shiny bike. Her knees were suddenly shaky as she swung her leg over the frame and stood on the pavement. A tourist boat drifted past beneath her under the bridge, rooting her to reality. ‘Which house?’
‘Anouk’s...your house,’ her mum said.
‘Mum, I’m just on my way to—’ She cut herself off. Her mother was at the house, looking for her. It was so surreal. But she’d shown up unannounced, just when Freya had somewhere very important to be. ‘Liv should be there,’ she heard herself saying. ‘She can let you in. I just have to get to the hospital.’
‘Liv isn’t here. I’m outside, ringing the bell. And her phone is switched off.’
‘She lost her phone,’ Freya explained, although it was strange that Liv wasn’t there. She’d been there when she’d left just ten minutes ago, and her sister had told her she would be staying in to finish her book out on the balcony.
Her mother sounded undisputedly tired. ‘Look, if you don’t want to see me, I’ll just carry on home in a taxi. Stijn has already gone. I just thought, seeing that I was passing through Amsterdam...’
‘No, Mum, it’s OK. We do need to talk.’ Sucking in a breath, Freya made a snap decision. Lucas would understand, and there was no clear expectation of her presence. Anne Marie’s surgery wouldn’t be affected, and this was important too. She’d call the hospital on the way and explain.
‘OK, I’m coming back,’ she said. ‘Wait there.’
* * *
In a way, Lucas was grateful for Freya’s absence. It meant he was too busy wondering what had happened to her to let the intricacies of the procedure get to him. It was supposed to take two hours, but they were already ten minutes over that.
He knew Ruben would be waiting outside, worried sick. But his hands did careful, efficient work as he took himself into the zone. This baby’s little heart was less than perfect, but he would do everything in his power to ensure it kept on beating, now and long into the future.
The zone was his safe place and Lucas almost forgot it was Anne Marie he was operating on. The human body was a work of art, each canvas unique on the outside yet strangely the same underneath. Roshinda had taught him that. Her art in those journals had only emphasised the beauty of the human body, which he was lucky enough to witness, retouch and help to flourish on a daily basis.
The only thing he couldn’t even begin to fathom was the mind. Freya was the one making him wonder about that. Her mind, specifically. She’d been busy with Liv, adamant she’d sell the house, but remaining quiet about her decision to stay or go. The less she offered him, the more he seemed to want her. Why was it always that way for him? Why hadn’t he walked away from her already, when he’d been down this pointless road before?
He’d asked himself this hundreds of times.
There was only one answer, really. Roshinda hadn’t been the right one for him. But Freya was.
* * *
Ruben’s face was a picture of relief. ‘The operation was a success,’ Lucas said, pulling off his mask and making his way down the hallway to where he was waiting. ‘Anne Marie did so well, the stent will do its work nicely. All in all, it went smoothly.’
‘Oh, man, thank you, thank you. I was getting worried.’ His friend threw his arms around his shoulders—something he’d never ever done sober.
‘She’s in Recovery, she might be out for a while but she’s safe and well, and your baby is going to be fine.’ Lucas took the plastic seat next to Ruben. He was tired after such intense concentration under the harsh operating lights and his brain was a little frazzled but there was no time to get sleepy. He had somewhere to be pretty soon.
‘I bet baby Oscar can’t wait to meet us, and his new godfather,’ Ruben said, letting out a huge sigh of relief next to him.
Lucas smiled, ‘You chose the name Oscar.’
‘We didn’t want to name him till we knew...you know.’
Lucas put a hand to his shoulder. ‘Oscar’s a great name. Who’s the godfather?’
‘You are,’ Ruben said, looking at him sideways. ‘If that’s something you think you might want to be.’
Lucas was touched. ‘Man, I would love nothing more.’
‘Lucas!’Joy poked her head through the doors. ‘Dr Grey called just after you went into Theatre. She said she’s terribly sorry, but something important came up.’
Lucas frowned up at her, unbuttoning the top of his scrubs. He wouldn’t go into it with Ruben present as he didn’t want to ruin the moment. He was going to be a godfather.
With everything he had planned for later still on track, he was trying not to think that it was looking increasingly likely that Freya-with-the-Wings really wouldn’t be around to meet his new godson.
* * *
Freya and her mother had been talking and walking for the best part of five or six hours. After meeting at the house, and putting a brand-new Miami Vice magnet on the refrigerator, courtesy of Elise’s last-minute airport shop, they’d taken advantage of the sun and made their way down cobbled streets, past parks and cafés, along canals and into Westerpark, where they’d sat on a bench, side by side.
At first, it was small talk about Freya’s work, and Elise’s trip to Miami, but as the nerves began to dissipate and she’d excused herself from her shift at the hospital, Freya was surprised to find talking to her mother was easier with every passing moment.
‘I appreciate you coming straight over, when you’re jet-lagged,’ she said again.
‘I just had a feeling somehow that if I didn’t I’d miss the only opportunity I had to talk to you like this in person, just the two of us,’ Elise admitted. ‘I know I wasn’t the best mother to you, growing up.’
‘You made me who I am today’ was all Freya could think of to say to that. ‘And that’s not all bad, so some people say.’ Of course, she was thinking of Lucas.
Her mother nudged her shoulder softly. Elise didn’t look all that different from the last time she’d seen her. A few more lines around the eyes and mouth, but she looked well and happy. Something in her mother’s smile and frown was exactly the same as what she’d seen in the mirror every day of her own life.
‘I admit I didn’t know what I was doing when I had you,’ her mum said now, reaching for her hand. ‘I was way too young, I was unprepared for motherhood and instead of enjoying you...us...and going with the flow, I chose to see myself as inadequate and I ended up pushing you away. It’s a slippery slope when that happens. I thought I was giving you a better life by allowing your father to send you to that posh boarding school, but I should have kept you with me.’
‘Maybe we’re not so different,’ Freya mused, watching a youth launch an old-fashioned kite into the sky.
‘I never realised how far I had pushed you away until you left for America with Beatrice.’
When she turned to face her, Elise looked nothing short of regretful. Freya felt a pang of compassion. ‘I was hurt,’ Freya admitted, ‘but I pushed you away too. After what Beatrice did to me, I just couldn’t cope unless I had a plan of my own that no one could swoop in and take away from me. You know she married Johnny, right?’
‘I did know that,’ her mother said, shaking her head. She held Freya’s hand over her knee. ‘But America was good for you in the end. Look at all the experience it gave you. And there are some beautiful places there...’
They talked about their travels, and life, and love, and by the time the after-work crowd started spilling from the park’s bar onto the sun-flooded patios and grass, Freya realised her jet-lagged mother was yawning, struggling to stay awake. She also realised that for the first time in a very long time she felt completely at peace.
* * *
‘You know, you can come and stay at the house in Weesp any time,’ Elise said, when they were standing on the train platform at Centraal. ‘I have a nice bedroom all made up...you and Liv can both come. Come now?’
‘I can’t. Not now. I have somewhere to be,’ Freya said. Her mother had kept her talking so long she hadn’t even found out how the operation on Anne Marie had gone. She owed Lucas a call. Better than that, she’d go over to his place. ‘But thank you, Mum, that means a lot to me. I’m glad we had this chance to talk face to face.’
‘Me too. More than you know, my beautiful daughter. I’m so proud of you.’
Freya was surprised when her mother reached out and pulled her close in a hug. She swore she heard Elise’s voice break slightly, too, when she said goodbye.
She took the long walk towards Lucas’s place, resisting the urge to call him on the way. She had a feeling the op had been a success, otherwise he would have tried to call her, or at least send her a message. He knew she’d taken her late shift off by now, because she’d told Reception, and she was taking a moment out to enjoy this new sense of peace and serenity.
Of course, one afternoon of talking didn’t make up for a childhood spent feeling so alone, but she had to admit she had done some of the pulling away herself, maybe just as much as she’d been pushed. Oh, the stories she had told herself just to preserve her heart. Now she might actually have a chance at building a new relationship with her mother.
Lucas wasn’t at the houseboat. Maybe he was still somewhere with Ruben, or his father, she thought absently.
Walking all the way home, she was positively floating. For once, everything felt good, great even. Who knew just a few hours in the sun with her mother, of all people, could cement such a feeling of belonging after all this time.
She stopped in front of the house. Prinsengracht looked beautiful in the late afternoon light and she had an epiphany. What if she stayed here? What if she didn’t sell...for a while at least. Give it one more year, just to see what happened between her and Lucas? What if she did even better than that, and was completely honest about her growing feelings for him? There was no excuse now not to be around him. No excuse not to tell Lucas Van de Berg how much she...
Lucas.
He was in her house. She could see him clearly through the top upstairs window in the kitchen.
What was he doing inside?
There was someone with him. Liv, of course, back from wherever she’d gone. They were laughing together at something, as clear as day. Freya stood there motionless in shock and horror as she watched Liv place a hand lightly on Lucas’s shoulder and point at something across the room. Lucas was laughing too, leaning very close to Liv, and she could see his silhouette shaking at something her sister was obviously saying. Lucas and Liv. A cold sweat had broken out on her forehead; a new sense of foreboding. She had been here before, in this exact situation. Was this Johnny and Beatrice all over again?
Freya didn’t hesitate. She turned on her heel and hurri
ed back towards the train station.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
‘WHERE IS SHE?’ Lucas was really worried now. ‘She’s not answering her phone.’
‘Well, I can’t call her, I have no phone at all,’ Liv retorted. She was crouched on her haunches, placing the finishing touches to the wall stencils in the downstairs bedroom. Lucas had called for pizza, hung balloons, and now he just felt like a fool. Freya had gone completely AWOL.
‘This isn’t unlike her, you know,’ Liv said, and Lucas swallowed a heavy sigh. ‘I mean, I love my sister as much as you, but she’s done this kind of thing before.’
‘I know,’ he said bluntly, leaving the room. He didn’t want to be having this conversation with Liv, he wanted to speak to Freya. He stepped onto the balcony, trying to clear his head. First Freya had missed an important appointment, for personal reasons, but she hadn’t said what, and now she was nowhere to be found. It had crossed his mind that maybe she’d simply left. Spread her wings and flown away, without even telling him she was going.
But something about that just didn’t feel right. He knew her better than that; she knew him. She wouldn’t do anything like what Roshinda had done, she wouldn’t just leave, at least not without talking to him. And not without a very good reason. Unless she was really upset by something he’d done...like share the whole truth about what had happened with Roshinda and then inadvertently pile on the pressure for her to stay, and be something she wasn’t.
‘Lucas!’ Liv called him back inside. She was holding something in her hands, a piece of tourist tat. A fridge magnet with the words ‘Miami Vice’ on it. ‘Look what I just found on the fridge,’ she said, holding it up. ‘There’s only one reason Freya would have put a Miami Vice magnet there.’