by Cassie Mae
Suddenly I remember I slid it into the pocket in my bag. I pull it out and hand it to him.
“I’ll be right back,” he says.
He takes forever and I take deep breaths to calm my racing heart. I swear the sun rises and sets again by the time he gets back.
He hands me my license and a ticket. I just told him I can’t afford a ticket. My lip starts to quiver..
“I gave you a ticket for five miles over instead of fifteen. It’s a lot cheaper.”
“Okay,” I sputter through the lump in my throat. All the emotions I’ve been battling pour out onto my steering wheel and I have a complete and total breakdown.
“Please stop crying,” the cop says.
“I can’t,” I cry out, flopping my hands in front of me.
“What happened to your hands?”
“I was walking a client and he took off and I fell and it hurt. And I was on my way home to clean up the mess when I got hungry and found my lying dad at Skippy Lee’s. And then you pulled me over and I can’t stop crying. And gave me this ticket, I can’t afford. But maybe I can, because I don’t even know if I’m going to college anymore because my dad’s back and how can I just leave him now? It’s been ten years since I’ve seen him. Ten. Yeah. I know. Shocking right? He left me. And my mom. He left us. But he came back. He’s dying. Did I tell you that?” The cop nods. “He is. And I just want everything to work out. But my boyfriend who’s always been there for me is mad at me. And I hate when he’s mad at me because he’s the only one that understands me.” I don’t even know if what I just word vomited all over this poor guy was even English. The tears are clogging my throat and making it impossible to properly form words.
The cop hands me a tissue from his pocket, and I take it and force a smile. “Thank you.” I blow my nose and wipe my eyes.
“Miss Boggs, I can’t let you drive away unless you calm down.”
“Okay, I’m trying,” I say and accidentally drool a little.
“Tell you what. If you plead not guilty on the ticket and mail it in, they will send you a court date. If you show up and I don’t they will reschedule. They’ll do it a couple times before dismissing the ticket. That way you won’t have to pay right away.”
“That’s really nice of you,” I say, swiping at my eyes and then I cringe when a salty tear hits the scrapes on my palms.
“And another thing, Miss Boggs.”
I sniff and meet the officers brown eyes.
“Go to college. I’d want my kids following their dreams. Then I could die a happy man.”
“Thank you, officer.”
“Bruce,” he says and I smile.
“Thank you, Bruce.”
“Are you okay to drive?”
I nod. “I think so.”
“Good. Keep it under the speed limit and be careful,”
“I will.”
Bruce walks away and gets back in his car. I wipe my eyes and blow my nose one more time. Then I put my blinker on and ease back onto the highway, keeping below the speed limit.
I was heading home, but the closer I get, the more I realize that’s not the home I want to be at. I turn left instead of right and pull into Ryan’s driveway.
I don’t even bother looking in a mirror. I don’t think even paint thinner and a hacksaw could fix me at this point.
Pain shoots through my knees when I get out of the car and walk up the front steps. I knock once, twice and the door opens. Ryan’s eyes widen at the pure mess in front of him.
I hold my hands up, helplessly staring at the scrapes.
He doesn’t say anything just grabs my wrists and leads me into the house.
Chapter 24
Ryan
When Lex and I were fifteen, we crawled under the fence at the abandoned amusement park and Lex’s pants got stuck on the chain link. She was giggling so hard that she was barely any help as I tugged her out of it. It tore off not only the bottom half of her pant leg, but also left a jagged gash across her ankle.
She fell on top of me, still trying to stifle her laughter. She kept saying, “I’m bleeding, I’m bleeding!” and I attempted to sit up to help her, but we knocked heads and my back slammed back into the ground.
“Whoops,” she said, rubbing her own forehead. Then what seemed out of nowhere, she pressed her lips against my temple, and whatever pain I’d been feeling was gone in an instant.
Later when we were at my place and Grams was wrapping Lex’s leg up, Lex told her an elaborate story of how she “fell on a razor” shaving her legs. When she left, Grams looked at me like she knew Lex had been lying, and of course I spilled everything. That we’d been alone. That we snuck into the park. That I had to get her back here before she went home to her then-alcoholic mother.
I then got a twenty minute sex-talk lecture.
“Grams,” I said, “Lexie is just my friend.”
“Ryan.” She gave me a stern look that softened the longer we held each other’s eyes. “Do you know the quote I have up in the hallway?”
“Which one?”
“‘When a woman falls in love, you can see it in her smile.’”
I groaned, falling back into the couch. Grams finished the quote despite my lack of enthusiasm.
“‘When a man falls in love, you can see it in his eyes.’”
I purposely kept my eyes closed. But even then, Grams could see it behind my lids. She told me so, couple years later when she caught Lex and I making out in the back of the Lincoln after I finally confessed that love.
I take a deep breath, hand wrapped around Lex’s wrist as I lead her into the bathroom. The blood across her palms screams Brewster. Don’t know why she didn’t call me to help her out—then again, maybe I do know why.
The faucet squeaks on, and I test the water before making Lex stick her hands in. I know she doesn’t need the help, but I grab the soap and lather her up, letting my thumbs slip and slide over her hands.
A light smile crosses her face.
“You’re adorable,” I say with a small laugh. She rolls her eyes, but lets out a laugh, too.
“I’m bleeding, Ryan.”
“Did you fall on another razor?”
She bumps shoulders with me and her body lingers up against mine. I grab a towel while she finishes up in the sink.
“Thank you,” she says when I hand it over. “Today has not been fun.”
“You hungry at all?”
She shakes her head.
“Tired?”
She shrugs.
“Horny?”
She whips me in the ass with the towel.
“Do you wanna just binge watch Netflix?”
“If we can cuddle on the couch, too.”
“So are we putting a pause on our fight?”
Her smile fades, eyes dropping to her scraped palms that are at least clean of dried blood now. She nods at the floor, then pushes her forehead into my chest. It sparks a livewire under my skin, surging through my veins.
I know what she’s thinking.
I haven’t been able to “know” what she’s thinking in weeks.
But it’s back. That instinct that makes Lex and I not only lovers, but best friends.
She doesn’t want to talk about her dad. She doesn’t want to talk about her day. She doesn’t want to do anything but be with me. I can feel it in her touch, see it in her eyes.
I press a kiss to the top of her head. “Dibs on the remote.”
***
Lex falls asleep after four episodes of the Power Rangers. Her head rests on the couch arm, her feet up on my lap.
I want to do this forever. I want to nudge her awake and tell her that I know she needs time to think about it still, but that this is what I picture when I think of us living together.
But I don’t. We’re on “pause” right now. And I’m sure the topic of living together will eventually turn into another argument over her dad.
So I adjust on the couch, sinking lower into the cushions and start the ne
xt episode. My heavy eyelids crash down before I even get to the theme song. I barely hear Grams mumbling something from the back bedroom.
***
Thump!
I shoot from the couch, furiously blinking as I try to get hold of my bearings. My eyes flash over to the cushions, ninety-nine percent positive that Lex crash-landed to the floor in the middle of the night. But she’s still there, rubbing at her sleepy eyes.
“What’s going on?” she whispers.
“Heard something,” I say. “Turning on a light.”
She covers her eyes and I flip on the lamp. When my gaze rests on the body lying face-down in the hallway, my stomach dumps to my feet.
“Grams,” I croak, tripping over the carpet, running into the walls. My feet are lead. They’re ten ton weights holding me down, making me move like mud just to get to her. Grams’ torso juts out from the bathroom, her legs sprawled in crooked angles on the tile.
She’s not moving.
Not moving.
Not moving.
“GramsGramsGrams,” I babble into her ear, afraid to touch her, fear boiling up in my hands making them shake and tremble and my eyes dart to Lexie who is already on her phone.
“Pop-pop!” I shout. “Brett!” Nothing. They aren’t coming fast enough. “Help, help, help!”
“My grandma, she’s passed out or something. She’s not moving,” Lex says into her phone. It won’t compute in my head though. Blood is pounding through my ears, and my vision blurs. Grams’ face…
It’s lopsided.
Saggy.
It’s falling from her bones.
“Maysie,” I hear next to me. Pop-pop reaches for her hand. “May, can you hear me?”
Nothing.
She hears nothing.
I look up and Brett’s checking her pulse. His brows are furrowed. He says she has a heartbeat.
She’s breathing.
Not moving.
But breathing.
“Pop-pop,” I croak, looking to him for answers. He doesn’t have any. We’re too afraid to move her. To touch her.
“Ambulance is on their way,” Lex says, phone still glued to her ear. I want to scream thank you thank you thank you, but the words are gone before they come out, replaced with bubbling panic as I see dark red blood start to drip out of the corner of Gram’s mouth.
“My Maybelle,” Pop-pop says, bending to her face, kissing her lopsided lips, not worried about the blood or the loose skin. “You don’t leave me yet. You promised another blueberry pie. You promised, you promised.”
That quote hanging in the hallway reflects in my Pop-pop’s eyes. I feel a hand on my shoulder, hear sirens outside the window, and the rest of it is just a blur.
***
I can’t stop shaking. It’s like an earthquake of fresh emotions that bounce around under my skin. I don’t know whether to cry or yell or break or crash or what.
So I pace.
I pace a hole into the waiting room floor.
Brett and Pop-pop sit nearby. Pop-pop’s praying. He’s been praying for two hours.
The doctors said surgery right out of the gate. Hemorrhagic stroke. After they disappeared with my grandmother, I looked it up.
Brain hemorrhage.
After twenty minutes of panicked scrolling through scary terms like “fatal” and “rupturing aneurysm” Lex took my phone away.
It’s so hard to breathe in here. I tug at my collar, clutch at my chest, and pinch my eyes shut and try to focus on just getting oxygen into my lungs.
“Ryan,” Lex says, and she puts a hand on my arm. I open my eyes, let them meet hers. She tilts her head slightly toward the door, and I follow, too tired to argue anything.
The air seems clearer outside of the waiting room. Out here in the night air. Even though there’s a man blowing smoke into the air not two feet away. There’s a car billowing out exhaust across the parking lot. The stars are hidden by pollution and clouds. But the moment Lex’s arms wrap around me…
I can breathe.
I clutch at her, hold her tight to me, cradle her head. My eyes prickle and burn, and I cover them up with one hand, leaning on the rock of a girl in my arms.
“I’m not ready for this,” I manage to croak out through a mess of suppressed tears. I can’t do this again. Not now. I can’t lose one of my parents. They might be my grandparents and I know that yes, eventually, I’ll lose them both. But not now.
And I crumble to pieces at her feet.
Chapter 25
Lexie
I’m teetering on the edge of losing it, but I need to be strong. Have to. For Ryan. So even though my heart is breaking and I’m so scared it’s hard to breathe, I push my own pain aside and hold Ryan as tight as I can.
***
Seconds turn to minutes. Minutes to hours. Ambulances come and go, flashing lights, and random spurts of chaos, but I don’t move. The only time I do is to wipe Ryan’s tears.
***
Grams is old, but she’s not that old. She has to be okay. Ryan needs her. Pop-pop and Brett need her. I need her. She was my mother when mine was too drunk to own up to the responsibility. She took care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself. I need her brownies. Her smile and her laugh. But most of all, I need her hugs. They were the one thing that always managed to bring light to the darkness.
***
My phone vibrates in my pocket for the hundredth time, but I ignore it.
***
“There you guys are,” Brett says, holding two cups of hospital coffee. His eyes are bloodshot and there are damp spots on his cheeks.
Ryan sits up and swipes at his nose. “Where’s Pop-pop?”
Brett hands Ryan a tissue. “Inside. He won’t leave that waiting room.” Brett holds the cups out to us. “I got you coffee, but that was like an hour ago so I don’t know if it’s still hot.”
“Thanks,” I say and take it.
Ryan nods to Brett. “You okay?”
“Been better,” he says with a smirk, but it’s forced and falls short.
I feel a brotherly moment coming on, so I stand up and pat my butt off. “I’m going to go check on Pop-pop. Call if you need me.” I lean down and give Ryan a kiss wishing there was more I could do. “Thanks for the coffee,” I say to Brett, then head back into the one place I don’t want to be.
Pop-pop is on the edge of his seat. His head propped on his hands, his elbows on his knees. He’s staring at the door where they rolled Grams in hours ago. Grams is his life, his entire universe, if she doesn’t…Nope. I won’t think about that. She’s going to be just fine.
I sit in the seat next to Pop-pop and place my hand on his shoulder. He startles and when his dull eyes meet mine he smiles and they brighten just a little.
“How you holding up?” I ask.
“The best I can.”
I move my hand to rest on his, and he gives mine a squeeze.
“May and I always talked about taking one of those cruises. Neither of us have ever been to the Caribbean, and we thought when Ryan finally graduated we would go. Then Brett came into our lives and we planned for after his graduation. We didn’t mind the change in plans. May was always good with handling change and she’d have it all figured out. But this. We never planned for this. Not yet. I can’t handle this. Not without her.”
A tear slides down Pop-pop’s wrinkled cheek, and then another, until it’s a constant flow of sorrow and pain.
“She’s going to be fine,” I say, unable to hold my own tears back any longer.
“How do you know? She’s been in there for hours.”
“She’s the strongest woman I know.”
“But they’re operating on her head. The woman that is full of life was lifeless in my arms. How can you say she’s going to be okay? How do you know?”
“Because she has to be.”
Pop-pop looks at me and all the fear and pain in his gaze turns to hope. “You’re right. She will be because she has to be. She wouldn’t leave us. He
ck, that stubborn mule wants to get to the Caribbean, and by God she will.”
A laugh breaks through the sadness and even though it feels wrong I know it’s what Grams would want.
“Do you need anything?” I ask.
“I could use a cup of coffee. I sent Brett an hour ago and he never came back.”
“I’m on it.”
I go to walk away when Pop-pop’s work-hardened hand gently grabs my wrist. I turn to him and he doesn’t say anything just smiles, but in that simple gesture there are a million words. I smile back then head to find coffee.
I’m about to round a corner when I’m bum-rushed into a hug. Blonde braids smack me in the face as Kaylee throws her arms around me. She hugs me so tight I think my head might pop off and when she pulls away I see Nate.
His fedora looks sad as he holds up a Dunkin Donut’s box of Joe in one hand and a box of Munchkins in the other. He shrugs. “Thought you guys might need a caffeine and sugar fix.”
“Thank you,” I croak. Nate comes over and hugs me to his chest, the box of Munchkins pressed against my back.
“How is she?” Kaylee asks, her voice so small.
“She’s in surgery. Has been forever. They haven’t told us anything new.”
“Do they know why she was bleeding from her mouth?” Nate asks.
“She bit her tongue when she fell.”
Kaylee and Nate each let out a breath of what I assume is relief.
“Come on, Pop-pop’s this way. He sent me to get coffee, but now I don’t have to.” I wink at Nate and turn back around.
Ryan and Brett are back and when Ryan sees us he comes right over and hugs Nate. Kaylee grabs the coffee out of Nate’s hand and I grab the munchkins. Their hug lasts longer than a normal man hug, and Kaylee and I walk away to give them a moment.
Kaylee pours a cup of coffee for Pop-pop and we all join him in the waiting room. Thirty minutes later a doctor finally comes out. We all jump to our feet and surround the poor guy. He’s not smiling, but he’s not frowning. I can’t gauge his thoughts.
“How is she?”
“Is she okay?”
Dr. Poker Face is hit with questions from every angle. He holds his hand up and gives a curt smile. That has to be a good thing.
“The surgery went as well as we could expect.”