by JA Huss
“The fuck?”
I shrug. “He looked like he was having fun in there. So what’s the problem?”
“The problem is… the problem is…” Her eyes dart back and forth, like she’s not sure what to say. “The problem is… if he refuses to come I’ll never get pregnant.”
“Whoa,” I say. “If you think I’m giving the two of you a fucking kid, you can just fuck off right now. I’m not doing it.”
“That’s not what I said. And anyway, that’s not the plan.”
“The plan?” I say. Because that itch is back. The one telling me to look a little closer at the fine print. “What is the fucking plan? Alexander and I fuck around and what? He suddenly realizes he loves you and wants to stay?”
“He wants you. He’s the one who wants the past back, not me. I’m doing this for him.”
“Well, that’s funny. He said the same thing about you. So looks like none of us know what the fuck is going on. Maybe you should go back inside and figure that out, Augustine. Because I’m not some magic oracle with all the answers. I’m a fucking Pandora’s Box. So you’d better be very fucking careful if you decide to open me up.”
She just stares at me. Eyebrows narrowed. Questioning. Lots of questions running through her mind about what I just said.
And then—because I know her, because I know she won’t get up and leave—I get up and leave instead. I walk downstream, following the river.
And I don’t even look back.
The first time I met Augustine she and Ixion were sharing an apartment down the street from UCLA. It was a total shithole, but it was home. I used to come down from Stanford for spring break while I was in undergrad. At first to just kick it with Ix. But then, for both of them.
The first time we ever fucked Alexander wasn’t there. It was just the three of us. I think she might’ve known Alexander at that time, but they weren’t a thing yet.
She and I… well, it was lust at first sight. I was fucking her in the bathroom two hours later. We were all pretty drunk and Ixion had some people over, so he didn’t notice we were missing right away. I don’t know why I was fucking her in the bathroom. But it was fucking hot. I had her propped up on the sink, one leg raised in the air, my cock plunging inside her, disappearing, then pulling back out, slick and shiny with her desire. She was digging her nails into my shoulders the same way she was digging into Alexander’s inside.
We both heard Ixion calling for us. People had left, he was suddenly aware we were gone. And the door wasn’t locked so he walked right in. Innocent mistake? Probably not. But no one cared. He just walked up to us, put his hands on her face, and kissed her mouth.
And then I joined in.
So maybe we were drunk. But we did it again a few more times before Ix figured out this was bad news for the working relationship they were forging. He backed away, slowly, quietly and without drama.
And then it was just me and her. Ix would watch. That was always his thing. Even after Alexander joined us, he’d watch.
But after we graduated and I moved down to LA for law school… that’s when shit got serious. That’s when I moved in with them.
That’s what she’s trying to recreate with this little reunion.
When I go back to the cabin it’s dark. But they’ve got lights on inside and it looks cozy and shit, ya know? Like… if I didn’t know better I’d think it was pretty fucking normal. Maybe even perfect.
But when I open the door and walk inside Augustine is on the couch—the same place where Alexander fucked her earlier—reading a book. And Alexander is sitting at the kitchen table, talking business on his cell phone. He looks at me, nods his head, and never breaks his conversation.
Augustine just turns a page in her book. She’s got her glasses on looking like a sexy nerd. Which used to make me want to fuck her when she wore that look back in LA.
I flop into the chair opposite. The same one I was sitting in, watching her get fucked.
Or fingered, as it was. Because Alexander never did fuck her, did he?
“What are you reading?” I ask.
“Required stuff,” she says, taking her glasses off so she can see me properly.
“Required for what?”
“I’m in grad school. Just online stuff. Getting an MFA.”
I laugh, I can’t help it.
“What?” she snaps.
“Are you that bored with your life that you need grad school to keep you busy?”
Her eyes dart over my shoulder and when I look, Alexander has finished his phone call and is standing behind me. “I’m not bored,” she says.
But she’s not talking to me. She’s talking to him.
“Want a drink?” Alexander asks me, ignoring her.
“Sure,” I say. “I’ll have what you’re having.”
I feel Alexander retreat back into the kitchen. Hear the sound of glassware and ice. Drinks being poured.
“I’m not bored,” Augustine says again. This time she’s talking to me.
“Well, why the fuck do you need an MFA then?”
“Maybe because I want to better myself?”
Alexander is standing in front of me then. Handing me a drink. I take the glass, take a sip, and shrug. “Whatever.”
Alexander sits on the couch next to her. Hand immediately on her knee. And I don’t think it’s a possessive gesture, either. I think it’s just habit.
“So,” he says, looking at me. “What have you been up to, Jordan?”
And that’s how we spend the rest of the evening. Small-talking.
I just… tell them. Because whatever, right? Who cares? And my business is safe. No feelings at all attached to my business. It’s just me, and my dad, and the law firm.
And it’s funny. Because we have an endless stream of small talk. We never stop small-talking. Some of it is memories. Most of it is catching up. But all of it is… boring.
Some time around midnight I say, “So where do I sleep?”
And Alexander says, “With us, of course.”
There’s only one bedroom in the cabin and it has a king-size bed. I’m on one side. Alexander is on the other. And Augustine is between us.
We are all naked.
We are all staring up at the ceiling like three strangers lying under a single white sheet.
We are all uncomfortable.
And then there’s a shuffling. And movement. And a hand on my bare stomach that sends chills up my spine.
Her hand. Placed there. By his hand.
“You can have her tonight,” he says. And then he turns over. Giving us permission and dismissing us in the same moment.
I turn my head. Just barely able to see her turn hers. Our eyes meet.
Then she turns over, hugs him, and sighs.
What the fuck am I doing here?
In the morning I’m the first one up. I’m not even sure it qualifies as morning, but I’m up. I can’t take it anymore.
I have several viable escape plans.
One. Steal their car.
Two. Wake one of them up and ask for a ride into town.
Three. Walk away.
Aside from stealing the car, these are the same options I had yesterday.
Why. Am. I. Here?
“Why are you up?”
Alexander is standing in the doorway naked, hard, and sleepy.
“Dude, you wanna take me into FoCo and drop me off somewhere? Because otherwise I’m stealing your car.”
He lets out a small laugh, walks into the kitchen, and starts making coffee.
I’m staring at his ass. It’s pretty nice.
“Well?” I ask.
“What can I do to make you stay?”
“Why do you want me to stay? And don’t say she wants me, OK? She says you want me. I feel very unwanted. So let’s stop talking in circles.”
“Obviously I’m looking to improve our relationship. And you’re a part of that.”
“How? It makes no sense, Alexander. I’ve been gon
e almost eight years now. We’ve all moved on.”
“She hasn’t.”
“She says the same thing about you and you know what I see? I see two people making excuses and blaming me for their issues. If you don’t love her—”
“I do love her,” he says, interrupting me. “And she loves me.”
“So what is the fucking problem?”
He turns to face me. Still naked. Still hard. Still very fucking distracting. “The problem is we are allowed to love more than one person in a lifetime.”
“So you two… what? Swing and shit?”
“No,” he says. “That’s not what we mean. We want you, Jordan.”
“I hear that. But I don’t see it. And I don’t feel it either.”
“That’s because it’s taken us all these years to admit it and now that we have, now that we’re here… well… we’re afraid.”
“Of?”
“It’s a risk, right? Loving you. Together. There’s always that doubt in your head, ya know. Maybe she’ll love you more than me. Maybe you’ll love her more than me. Maybe I’ll love you more than her.”
I… don’t know what to say to that. So I just say the truth. “I don’t love you guys.”
Alexander leans back a little more. Hands gripping the counter. His cock still semi-hard. Eyes on mine. He says nothing.
“I mean…” I try to explain. “It was fun, ya know. It was hot.” And then I laugh. “Literally, remember?”
He nods.
“But that’s all it was. Just fun.”
Alexander remains quiet. It’s unsettling and I start to fidget, lean back against the counter, mirroring him.
“You know why it was hot?” he finally says.
“Yeah, the AC was broke.”
“You remember why it was broke?”
“No,” I say, shaking my head.
“People kept getting up on the roof that summer. Stealing the components out of the unit.”
I laugh. “Oh, no shit? I don’t remember that.”
“No,” he says. “You wouldn’t because it wasn’t your place, ya know? And I don’t mean that like… like a being a dick or anything. I just mean, it wasn’t your concern, right? It was mine. The reason it feels different now than it did then is because we were young. You, and Ix, and Augustine were all kids. And to you guys it was just fun. Just a phase, maybe. That’s probably true for Ixion. He’s moved on. Found his way.”
I have to laugh at that. Because Ixion, fuck-up of the century, is being called the adult in this conversation.
“And now we’re living this other life. One where August and I are married and having problems. One where you’re adrift and having problems.”
“Dude, I’m cool, man. I’m not having problems. For the most part things are going real well.”
“For the most part, you say? Well, I’d have to disagree, Jordan. You’re a top-notch lawyer now, sure. On your way to becoming one of the best defense litigators in the country. Gonna make full partner soon, probably. And yet… this side business you run. Your Game, I think it’s called. And this business about the building. It’s all, sadly, the same old, same old.”
“You don’t know me, so don’t pretend like you do.”
“I did know you. Pretty intimately.”
“Well, clearly that’s changed since you can’t even bring yourself to kiss me properly anymore. I mean, what’s the point of all this?” I throw up my hands. “You don’t like me that way.”
“You’re right,” he says. “I don’t like you that way. But I do like you another way.”
“What other way?”
“The way you are with us.”
I huff some air. This is so stupid.
“I never walked out, Jordan. That was you. You hurt her—”
“I’m not that guy anymore.”
“No, you’re this guy now.”
He’s starting to piss me off. So I say, “Just go home. Just sell me the building and forget about me and take her home.”
He’s shaking his head before I’m even done talking. “She’s not going home with me if this doesn’t work. She’s going somewhere, but I won’t be with her.”
“I can’t save your fucking marriage, Alexander. I can’t fix things for you.”
“Our marriage is already over. That display we gave you last night… that’s all that’s left of us. Her getting off, me getting her off… that’s it, that’s all there is. And you know why, Jordan? Because it was never supposed to be the two of us. Believe me, we’ve been to a lot of fucking therapy trying to come to terms with why this won’t work. And it took years for us to both admit that it was you who held us together.”
Ixion’s words echo in my head. When we fought last January. I was the glue, he’d said. “I’m not the glue,” I say. “That isn’t me. I was the one who broke us apart. I was—”
“We’re here,” Alexander says. “We’re here, Jordan. Because it was you. And you can believe that or not. You can walk out and never look back if you want. Or…” He comes towards me in three quick steps, places his hand on the side of my neck, leans in and kisses my mouth. “Or,” he whispers. “Or you can take off your fucking clothes, follow me into the bedroom, get into the bed with us, and try again.”
He lets go of me and backs away.
Then he turns and disappears into the hallway.
I’m so stunned I just stand there for a moment. Feeling the touch of his lips on my lips for a minute or more. I place the tips of my fingers on them. Confused.
They murmur to each other in the bedroom.
Augustine’s soft voice. His low response. Then silence.
We’re allowed to love more than one person in a lifetime.
Are we? I mean, sure. We are. But more than one person at a time? How does that ever work?
That’s why we had the club. That’s why people went there. It wasn’t love, it was just sex. There were rules, and clear expectations, and it was all… safe. We knew where we stood, we knew it was a fantasy. We knew the moment we stepped outside the door, reality took over.
And what Augustine and Alexander are telling me now is… is that it doesn’t have to be that way.
Except it does.
Plural relationships are temporary arrangements. Things get in the way if they go on too long. Feelings grow unevenly, and expectations change unilaterally, and emotions run wild.
That’s how it always ends.
We all know this. We’ve all lived this.
And it fucking hurt.
So why are we trying to relive that pain? Why would we want to?
They talk softly again. Probably wondering what I’m gonna do next.
And that’s the problem.
I have no idea.
But as a lawyer I know the best defense is silence.
So I leave. I walk out. I make my way up to the main road and spend the next hour wondering if they’ll come pick me up.
But they don’t.
I get to the nearest store, call a car service in Fort Collins, and drink bitter black coffee as I wait for my ride home.
CHAPTER FIVE
I don’t hear from them for the rest of the weekend but sure as shit, Alexander is at my office at noon on Monday.
Too bad I’m not there.
I’m in court. Well, sort of. I’m hiding at the courthouse.
Which kinda makes me feel stupid and childish, but fuck it. I don’t know what to do with these two. And the funny thing is—the really ironic thing is… six months ago I’d have felt totally different.
I sit on a hallway bench, unwrap the avocado toast sandwich I just got from a lunch truck outside, and try to unpack my feelings at the same time.
My phone dings a text. I didn’t answer Alexander’s first text, so this is… yup. Augustine. It’s an emoji making a mad face.
Six months ago… what was different about me?
Ixion, I decide. He and I were practically strangers. His life was a mess. And then I came alo
ng, hired him to help me with that game, we had it out (a few times) and even though I don’t think we’re exactly friends now, I’m pretty sure he’d bail me out of jail if I ever got arrested.
That’s my benchmark for friendship. Can I call this person to bail me out?
I bailed him out before. But that’s not why I think he’d be there for me. I just feel like we’ve turned a corner. He sees new me, not old me. Maybe he hasn’t forgiven me. I did kinda fuck up his life. But he’s at peace with it.
Maybe that’s the most you can expect from your mistakes?
My phone rings. Alexander. I tab accept and say, “Yes.”
“So you’re done, I take it?”
“Yeah. I’m out. You two need to figure your shit out on your own. I can’t be your glue.”
“Cool,” he says. “Fine. But…” He pauses. For too long.
“But what?”
“So you wanna go to dinner tonight?”
“Dude—”
“Just me, man. Not her.”
I do meet up with him. Partly because I’m curious what he’s up to. Like, is he wearing me down? Trying to make me change my mind? Is he using me to piss Augustine off? What is his fucking deal?
We meet at the restaurant, which is a small, intimate Italian place suitable for new couples. He gets there first, waiting for me outside in a slow, misty drizzle under a softly glowing yellow streetlamp.
He greets me with a smile, an outstretched hand—which I take, and shake—as he pulls me into a hug that comes with a firm clap on the back.
“I know you’re avoiding me, so I appreciate the fact that you’re here.”
“Look, I’m not your fix, OK?”
“Consider that subject closed then.”
“Closed?”
“Done.”
“You’re not here to talk me into it? Or tell me why I’m so important?”
“Let’s go inside,” he says, waving me towards the door.
And then he reaches ahead of me to pull the door open, like I’m his fucking date.
Inside all the arrangements were made by him, so he takes charge. And it’s fucking weird because I feel like a woman.