by Adam Ellis
In reality, I have a hard enough time changing myself. There’s no way I could possibly change another person.
2. I CAN’T EAT THE WAY I USED TO
I will probably never be fat. Looking back at the men in my family, not a one of them was anything other than lean (and usually downright twiggy), and for this I am thankful. Still, I’m discovering that I can’t continue to shovel food into my gullet and expect to maintain a figure like that of Christian Bale in The Machinist. Now when I eat loads of shitty food, I find myself feeling lazy and lethargic. I have to run longer on the treadmill to maintain my Voldemort-like physique. It would be so much easier if I could eat like I did when I was sixteen, but I fear that will lead to dark places.
3. I CAN’T DRINK LIKE I USED TO
I’ve always been a pretty responsible drinker (ahem, sort of), but I just can’t keep up with my younger self any longer. A few months ago I went out for a friend’s birthday and consumed what seemed like a perfectly reasonable number of vodka tonics. I went to bed and woke up the next morning with a crippling hangover. I spent the entire morning on the floor of my living room, my head pounding like Denver the Last Dinosaur was about to hatch from my skull.
In college I could spend the night partying, get three hours of sleep, wake up feeling buoyant and refreshed, and go to my 8 a.m. class without a care in the world. Now if I have too much to drink, I have to personally call FEMA to deliver me a bag of Egg McMuffins.
4. MONEY VANISHES
I try to keep an eye on my bank account, but it still feels like cash is being steadily funneled out of my possession and into a void. I feebly attempt to cling to my finances, yet frugality seems like a nonsense notion in my twenties.
It’s almost sneaky the way it happens. A couple of visits to the Las Piedritas taco truck for $5 burritos, a night out at Wimpy’s for $2.50 well drinks, a too-good-to-pass-up sale on Bonobos.com, then a couple of auto-payments hit my account for bills and my gym membership, and suddenly I have $500 less in checking than I did the week before. It’s as if I’m tying hundred-dollar bills to a cat and sending her off into the wilderness, never to be seen again.
Before I realize what’s happened, I’m destitute, with nothing to show for it except a burrito-induced tummy ache and orange chino shorts that don’t even fit because of all the burritos I’ve been eating.
5. I AM JEALOUS OF EVERYONE FOR THEIR SUCCESS, BE IT REAL OR IMAGINED
I’m at that age where many of my friends are getting married and having little goblin offspring of their own. Every week I open my mailbox to find save-the-dates and wedding announcements, oftentimes from people I hardly remember. The barrage of invites is endless.
I remember being eight and adamantly claiming that I’d never get married (unless it was to Sailor Moon) and that I’d rather die than have children of my own. I’ve softened somewhat on the notion of children, though currently I can’t imagine my life with a son or daughter present. I can fathom no worse hell than having to pause my Skyrim game to change a diaper, and yet I somehow find myself jealous of all my friends who are getting married and becoming pregnant.
It shouldn’t be a competition. I don’t even want to get married and I certainly don’t want kids right now, but I still stare at all the wedding announcements pinned to my fridge with a mixture of envy and loathing.
I try to remind myself that this is just a symptom of the Facebook age and that we all make unreasonable comparisons of ourselves and our peers. Then I brew a scalding-hot cup of Tieguanyin and casually pour it out the window onto some unwitting passerby.
Though my days are often filled with a vague sense of dread and foreboding, there are moments of profound insight, and I cling tightly to these, collecting them in my subconscious like precious jewels so that I may reference them later. These moments usually manifest in small and quiet ways—an electric, passionate discussion with a friend, or a walk through the city when the weather is perfect and the streets are buzzing with life. These moments are like little islands of positivity. Sometimes I get tired of swimming, but I trust there’s another little island on the horizon.
I like to think that when my twenties come to a close, I will be at peace with myself and at one with the universe, wise and tranquil like a maharishi.
For now, I’ll draw and I’ll write, I’ll try to learn new things, and I’ll attempt to take something positive away from every experience I have, no matter how small. I’ll try to keep my finances in check and be nice to people even when they’re being insufferable. And I’ll make Tieguanyin tea at night and imagine the Iron Goddess watching over me, telling me that someday the fruits of my labor will bear out and I will be happy and prosperous like the farmer.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This book would not be possible without the abundant support I received throughout the process of creating it. I’d like to thank Kristin for reading everything I’ve ever written and giving me feedback, even though she probably had better things to do. I’m thankful to Trevor for being understanding when I periodically got frustrated with my work and subsequently became a spiteful monster. I’m grateful to my agent Monika and my editor Pippa, both of whom offered guidance during the very tricky process of crafting a book. And I have to thank my mother, who always made sure I had a book in my hands.
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CONTENTS
COVER
TITLE PAGE
WELCOME
DEDICATION
THE ART OF MOVING ON
THE CHOCOLATE MILK INCIDENT
CITY LIVIN’
CREEPY FRIENDS
WORLD’S BEST BOSS
NIGHT PEOPLE
FOUR DAYS PRETENDING TO BE A RABBIT
CALL OF THE WILD
WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
TO SERVE AND ANNOY
THE BREAKUP BREAKDOWN
MAHALO, COME AGAIN
IRON GODDESS OF MERCY
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
NEWSLETTERS
COPYRIGHT
Copyright
Copyright © 2013 by Adam Ellis
All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
Grand Central Publishing
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First ebook edition: July 2013
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ISBN 978-1-4555-1699-5
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