My heart aches so fucking bad as I take in her smiling face. She was always so happy and full of life, and it’s because of me that her life was stolen from her.
Her piercing green eyes stare back at me, making me feel so much guilt that I can’t breathe. Looking at these pictures make me feel like I’m suffocating, but there’s one that I can’t close the box without looking at.
With shaky hands, I find the picture that I’m looking for and my heart fucking stops in my chest. I’m broken and dead inside, missing the biggest part of me that I’ll never be able to hold, and there’s nothing that can bring me back from this.
I’m completely fucking lost . . .
Twenty Months Ago . . .
“SHIT! NOT HERE. NOT HERE . . . fuck, I’ll kill you Assholes.”
I make it halfway up the driveway, with my heart going crazy in my chest, before slowing my bike and jumping off in a hurry. I don’t want these fuckers to know that I’m here yet and give them the upper hand. I’ll do everything in my power to show these fuckers that they’ve messed with the wrong family.
Walking fast, I pull out my gun, squeezing it in my hand while fighting to catch my breath. The thought of them hurting her is making it hard for me to breathe and is scaring the shit out of me. I’ve never been so damn scared in my life. Losing her is the only thing that terrifies me. I can’t let that happen.
Protecting her is my job. She’s my fucking life and these assholes are fucking with my world by being here right now. That makes me want to rip their throats out.
Running up the steps, I hurriedly reach for the handle and turn. My whole body runs cold at the fact that it’s fucking locked. Olivia always leaves the door open for me, making it easier for when I get home. I’ve never given her a reason to have to lock it before, which means James and his guys have a reason to keep me out.
“Fucking shit!”
In a panic, I start searching through my leather jacket for the keys. I feel like I’m running out of time and it’s making me want to scream and kick this damn door down, but that gives them the chance to hear me coming and outgun me. I need to keep my cool.
Gripping the key, I shove it in the lock and turn it, leaving it hanging in the door as I open it and step inside.
The house is dark. Olivia hates the dark.
“Fuck!” I say under my breath, while walking through the house in search of Olivia. “I’m coming for you, baby. I’m here.”
The living room and the kitchen are empty, making me even more anxious to just get to her.
It’s not until I hear her scream of pain come from down the hall that I know exactly where she’s at: the family room. That sound is enough to make my world stop.
With my heart racing out of my chest, I take off running through the house, not caring anymore if they hear me. I need to get to her.
When I reach the end of the hall, I look over to the right to see one of James’ men walking out of the room, buckling up his jeans.
He looks up with wide eyes and mutters, “fuck,” while reaching for his gun.
Without hesitation, I aim my gun at his head and shoot, taking his fucking life, before rushing past his body and into the room.
Rage surges through me at the sight in front of me and no matter how many fucking breaths I take, I still can’t breathe.
James has Olivia against the wall with one hand on her neck and the other one covering her mouth as he pulls out of her and peers over his shoulder at me.
Olivia’s head is dangling to the side, lifeless, as if he went too far, and blood is dripping down her legs, but he’s too worked up at seeing me to realize that she’s no longer fighting him.
James’ other guy is standing beside him, struggling to pull his jeans up and reach for his gun.
James yells at his guy to shoot me, while trying to fix his own jeans and hold Olivia up at the same time. “Shoot him, Lou! Hurry the fuck up!”
My heart is in failure, seeing her like that. What have I done?
The second I really realize what they’ve done to her, I lose it, seeing red, and all I can think about is getting to Olivia and helping her. I don’t care the price; I’ll pay it.
“You’re dead, Motherfuckers! Enjoy your last fucking breath.”
I aim my gun at Lou, firing two bullets into his dick and one into his skull, before aiming at James’ leg and catching Olivia as he releases her and falls to the ground in pain, screaming.
“Ah . . . shit!” He grabs at his leg, while slapping the ground in agony.
Well fuck him! His pain will never compare to mine.
My heart stops and a cry of pain roars through me, as I cradle her body in my arms and fall down to the ground with her. I can’t feel her breathing and it hurts so fucking much. “Olivia,” I cry. “Baby, wake up. Open your fucking eyes. I’m here. I’m here.”
With my gun aimed at James, I grab Olivia’s face and squeeze it, shaking it in an attempt to wake her up. I lean my face next to her mouth to check for her breathing, but feel nothing. “Fucking breathe! Wake up! Please, baby! Please! Breathe, dammit. Breathe!”
A scream roars through me as I maneuver to my knees and attempt to give Olivia mouth to mouth. I hold her as closely as possible and press my mouth to hers, willing to give her all of my air. I’d give her my very last breath if it kept her from feeling any of this pain and kept her alive.
That’s when I hear James grunt and feel a knife stab into my thigh, cutting me three times as he fights to push it in deeper.
“Fuuuck!”
I pull away from Olivia and fight the knife out of James’ hand, stabbing it into his shoulder and twisting. “Does that feel good, Motherfucker!” I scream out. “Show me how much it fucking hurts?”
I push the knife in as far as it will go, making him scream out and grab at his knife. The further I push, the louder he screams.
This motherfucker needs to pay for taking Olivia from me. He needs to feel her pain.
Pulling the knife out of his arm, I lay Olivia down as gently as I can and kiss her lips for the last time. Feeling them cold against mine, drives me into a rage.
I lean over James and press my gun to his dick. “You sick son of a bitch. Are you ready to fucking die?”
He shakes his head back and forth and starts backing away from me. “Fuck! Don’t do it. Don’t do it. We didn’t mean to kill her. I swear.” He grips his wounded arm and snot starts dripping down his face as he cries and pleads with me. “We only meant to send a message, but she screamed so fucking loud. It was an accident. I didn’t know I broke her neck. It wasn’t meant to happen.”
I swing the gun, hitting him in the dick and then grab the back of his neck to scream in his face. “And you think that makes it any better? Huh?” I hit him in the dick again, but harder this time.
He shakes his head, while grabbing his dick in pain. “No! Fuck!”
“Yeah . . . you’re definitely fucked.”
Looking him straight in the eyes, I shoot him in the dick and then in the neck, watching his life and blood slowly drain out of him as he struggles to breathe.
I never thought watching a man die would feel so fucking good, but I’m elated as I watch him take his last breath before me.
Kneeling down in a puddle of blood, I hold Olivia with one arm, while pulling out my phone and calling 9–1-1.
“9–1-1. What’s your emergency?”
I look down into Olivia’s glossy eyes and clench my jaw in pain. I can barely speak. “Three men broke into my home and raped and killed my fiancé.” I run my fingers over her eyes, closing them. “And then I killed them.”
Pulling the phone away, I throw it against the wall as hard as I can, breaking it.
I feel numb; so fucking numb.
Holding Olivia in my shaking arms, I close my eyes and cry into her neck, for what seems like forever. Then I lay her down and press both of my hands to her swollen belly and kiss it.
More rage surges through me as I see that the blood
is still dripping down her legs, letting me know that our child is not okay. There’s so much blood; so fucking much.
Our baby girl; she was due in seven weeks. Seven fucking weeks left and now she’ll never get the chance to live.
“Fuuuuck!” I cry.
Standing up, I grab everything in my sight and break it, while screaming out in pain. Nothing else matters to me but them, and now I’ve lost them both. I can’t do it without them. I can’t have a life without them in it.
After everything I can get my hands on is broken, and my hands are bloodied and bruised, I walk over to the window, light a cigarette, and take a drag, while looking out.
The only thing I long for is to fucking fade away and pretend as if I’m not standing here, covered in blood; crimson fucking red from head to toe with my heart pounding so viciously that my chest feels as if it’s going to burst the fuck open.
My lungs burn as I inhale another long drag from the cigarette I’ve been holding. The smoke fills my lungs, expanding them and sending a cooling sensation throughout my shaking body. I long for some kind of relief, but it fucking brings none. I take another drag anyways, waiting for what’s to come next.
Red and blue flashing lights.
I stand frozen in the window, numbly watching as they grow near, the sounds of sirens getting louder with each passing second.
Taking one last drag, I toss the cigarette at the glass and turn away. I could care less if this motherfucker burns down. There’s nothing left here for me. Not anymore.
My body starts moving, mentally checked out and lost somewhere in this never-ending nightmare of my world at its end. I feel the hatred starting to build, and the animosity of the night overwhelming me.
I bring my blood-covered hands up to rub my face as I growl out, releasing some of my pent up anger. I growl out until my throat feels raw, but just like the cigarette it does shit to relieve this pain that is slowly killing me.
I walk slowly, in a daze, passing three breathless bodies, before I stop in front of . . . her. Blood covers her blonde hair and her once pink, plump lips are now ice fucking blue. I reach over to pull her into my arms, feeling my heart die a little more with each breath that she doesn’t take.
That’s when the door flies open and I hear them piling in. Heavy footsteps take over until that’s all I can hear, besides the erratic beating of my dead fucking heart.
A buzzing fills my ears. My heartbeat speeds up at an uncontrollable rate and all I see is red as I’m yanked to my feet, two officers fighting to restrain me. I don’t care if they fucking take me away. I will rot in fucking hell for her, but I’m not done saying goodbye yet.
I feel the cuffs snap around my wrists, hard. Too fucking hard. My hands may not be free, but that won’t stop me. Rotating my shoulders, I swing my head back as hard as I can, slamming it into a nose that I hear crack. That shit is broken. I know that for sure, and so does he by the way he curses and steps away to hold his bleeding nose.
Another set of hands attempt to grab me from behind as I make my way down to the ground, on my knees, burying my face into her lifeless neck. I kiss it gently, for the last time, before my head is yanked backwards and I’m torn away from her, and then pushed down to my face before a knee digs into my neck.
Present
I RUN MY FINGERS OVER the last ultrasound taken and swallow back the pain at the reminder that I never got to hold my baby girl.
The pain and guilt eats at me every fucking day. I not only lost one life that night . . . but two.
I only allow myself to look at it for a few more seconds, before gently putting it back into the box and closing it.
Then I put the box away, before going to my bedroom and crawling into bed.
Avalon is already fast asleep.
I stare at the ceiling until finally falling asleep, letting the darkness of the night consume me.
STANDING IN THE DOORWAY WITH a bottle of beer in hand, I stand back and watch Blaine as he concentrates on tattooing some chick’s left ass cheek.
He looks up at me once in a while, lifting a brow in curiosity as he watches me tilt back my beer and grip the doorframe. “What’s good, fucker? You’ve been standing there without moving for like twenty damn minutes. Did some shit happen that I should know about?”
“Nah. I was just thinking of going out for a bit.” I finish off the last bit of my beer and toss it in the trash across the room. “You good here?”
Blaine gives me a look, meaning, are you shitting me, and leans back in his chair as if he’s the coolest fucker to walk the earth. “When am I ever not good? Come on, bro. I got this shit. If you got something to do then go.”
I run my hand over my face and look over at the clock. It’s just a little past noon, making me anxious to get out of here.
“Alright.” I slick my hair back and lock eyes with Blaine. I really can’t deal with his shit today. “If I come back and my window is broken, I’ll shoot your fucking dick off. I’m not in the mood today.”
“Dude . . . seriously? Why do you always threaten my manhood? It’s my best fucking feature.”
“Because your dick pisses me off even more than you do. You’re always fucking touching it and shit,” I say with a scowl. “Keep shit under control until I get back and don’t text me if it’s important: call.”
“Yup. Got it.” He pulls his gun away and backs the chair up a bit to admire the chick’s ass. “Damn . . . that is one fine piece of work?” He smirks and adjusts his cock with his free hand.
The girl leans up on her elbows and looks back, then smiles at him, while watching his hand. “It better be if it’s covering my beautiful ass.”
“Damn straight,” Blaine says in agreement, while watching her lift her ass up closer to his face. He tilts his head at me. “Go, Fucker. Jerk your shit if you need to. You’re bumming me out here and putting my dick in a bad mood.”
I let out a frustrated breath, not even bothering to respond to his dumb ass, and walk out the door while reaching for my phone.
I have no fucking idea why I’m about to do this right now, but after waking up early this morning to an empty bed, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Avalon and how she left without saying bye.
There’s no way in hell she needed to be up and out of my bed for work by five in the fucking morning. She left because something was bothering her and keeping her awake. That doesn’t sit well with me, and I can’t help but to wonder what the fuck was running through her head when she left in the middle of the night without someone to make sure she made it home safe. It was fucking with me.
I sat up in bed for a good hour, unable to fall back to sleep, before hopping on my bike in hopes to clear my head. Before I knew it, I was sitting outside her damn house, contemplating on whether or not to go up to the front door and knock.
It only took me a few seconds to realize that I was acting like a fool, so I turned my bike around instead, and rode the mostly empty streets for a while, until it was time to meet Blaine at Savage & Ink.
It’s now been seven hours since she left my bed and it’s still bugging the shit out of me. The only thing keeping my nerves somewhat under control is knowing that she at least made it home safe.
Royal: You on lunch?
I walk out the back door and light a cigarette while waiting for her response. My phone vibrates about five minutes later to her name lighting up the screen.
Avalon: Not until 12:30. I swear time is going by extremely slow today. You at work?
Royal: Not anymore . . . Where you going for lunch?
Avalon: Nowhere. I only get thirty minutes today because I have a client coming in at 1. I won’t have time to leave and pick up lunch. I could so use a steak sandwich to make it through the day. SUCKS! Shit . . . gotta go. My 12 o’clock finally just walked in.
I slide my phone into my pocket and toss my cigarette aside, before wiping sweat out of my eyes. It’s really fucking hot today for some reason and it’s really not helping my shi
tty mood any.
“Shit! I’m really going to do this.”
Pulling my hair back into a bun, I yank my shirt off and shove a small part of it into my back pocket, before mounting my bike.
I rev the engine a few times, smirking as a police officer at the light watches me. His eyes look me over, sizing me up as I pull up next to him.
Keeping my eyes on him, I lift a brow as he revs his engine at me and looks back and forth between the light and my bike, as if he wants to race.
He keeps his eyes on me for a few seconds longer, before turning away and laughing, as if he’s just intimidated me.
Fuck that. If he wants to race, we can race. I’m all about keeping the law around here entertained.
The light turns green, making my heart pump with adrenaline.
I smirk at the mustached douche behind the wheel when he looks over at me, and motion with my head for him to go. “After you,” I yell.
He takes off fast, me taking off a few seconds behind him to give his pathetic ass a fair chance.
Within seconds I pass his ass up, watching as the front of his police car trails my ass as he tries to pass me, but fails for the next three miles, until we’re caught at a red light.
Stopping, I look over to the left and wait for him to pull up next to me. “Was it as good for you as it was for me, Officer?” I ask with a wicked grin, just to piss him off more. “I’m down for round two.”
Revving my engine, I cock a brow at him, causing him to slam his fist into the steering wheel and cuss under his breath.
I wait for him to say something, try to pull my ass over, anything, but he just grits his jaw at me and drives away as the light turns green again.
As short of a ride as it was, I have to admit that it felt fucking good and relieved some of my tension, and I desperately needed that right now.
Taking off, I glance over at the car next to me when a girl whistles out the window, getting my attention.
“That was hot!” The brunette in the passenger seat shouts, before giving me the thumbs up and gripping the door as her boyfriend turns down the next street to get away.
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