"Are we going to the beach?" she turned to look at me and grin.
"Sort of," I lifted a shoulder as I let my arm drape across the steering wheel. "I found this place a few months ago, and if you like fish…it's the place to be."
“I love seafood,” her smile grew as she shifted in the seat.
"I know," I winked at her.
"Wait," her face paled "how do you know that?"
“I asked Erin,” I cocked my head to the side as I studied her. “She came by to talk to Wes last night, and I asked her where she thought I should take you." I couldn't figure out why she was suddenly so upset about the idea of my talking to one of her friends, but the more I watched her, the more she shut down. "What's wrong?" I reached over and placed my hand on hers. I could feel her shaking, and as the silence in the car seemed to smother us she became more upset.
"Can you take me home?" she squeezed her eyes shut as a tear began to leak from the corner.
“What? Why?” I shook my head trying to figure out what had just happened.
“I just want to go home please,” her voice was almost inaudible as it trembled.
"If that's really what you want," I turned into a parking lot of a local grocery store as I shifted the Explorer into park.
"It is," she swallowed and when she realized where we were and that I'd had stopped driving, she became even more panicked.
ooooooooo
Maddie
I knew this was a bad idea. My brain had been telling me not to do this for days, yet when he'd kissed me it made me second guess my resolve. Now as we drove through the city all I could think about was the fact that he knew stuff about me. He'd been checking up on me, asking my friends what I liked, and he knew where I lived.
As crazy as it sounded, this was exactly how things had started with Richard. It was slow at first, but the longer I dated him, the more he found out. After the first month of our relationship, he knew everything about me.
"What are you doing?" I swung my head around trying to take in my surroundings. We were parked in a grocery store parking lot in the far corner away from the other vehicles.
"We need to talk," Cole turned the key, so the car stopped idling and shifted in his seat.
He had a look of determination on his face as he unfastened his seatbelt, and turned to face me fully. I unclipped my seatbelt also, but instead of moving closer, I burrowed back as far as I could get away from him. I hadn’t felt like this in so long, but being here with him was bringing all those feelings I'd buried so long ago right back to the surface. I felt trapped. My heart was racing, and sweat was breaking out across the back of my neck and forehead. My hands were shaking, and as I watched Cole move closer, I felt myself flatten against the door.
"What's wrong?" Cole's eyes pleaded with me. "What happened back there?"
I shook my head slowly as the buzzing in my ears softened. "I can't," I whispered.
"Can't what?" he reached out and placed his hand on my knee. I know he meant for it to be a soothing gesture, but all it did was make me retreat further. "Talk to me Maddie. Tell me what's going on in there," he pointed to my head and instead of putting his hand back on my knee he put it in his lap.
I sucked in a deep breath and blew it back out, “I told you…I’m broken.” The tears that I’d been fighting to hold back rushed to the surface and began spilling down my cheeks. “I knew this was a bad idea. I knew I shouldn’t have done what I said I would never do and told you no. I can't go back there…ever."
“What are you talking about?” he shook his head at me as his voice rose. I couldn’t help but recoil as I turned angry eyes on him.
“You know nothing about it! You don’t know what I’ve been through! If you did, you wouldn’t want me!” I was shouting at him and getting angrier by the second, and the calm expression that he kept wasn’t helping at all. If anything it made me want to slap him. “Say something!” I screamed as I turned to face him fully. He stayed impassive as he watched me shake and seethe with anger. "You wanted me to talk…" I was fuming at this point, and I really hadn't told him anything. We hadn't breached the surface of what Richard had done to me. We'd come nowhere close to any of it, and as angry as I was I still wondered if I could tell him.
When I made eye contact, all I saw was pity in his eyes. "I don't need your pity," I scowled. "Now…take me home!"
“No!” he growled. It was ominous, and even though I hadn’t seen Cole get truly angry yet, I feared him.
“Please take me home,” I begged. He turned to face the windshield and as I waited I watched as his knuckles turn white, and he reared back to pound on the steering wheel.
“We’re going to talk damn it," his voice was low and angry. "I understand you more than you think."
“Oh yeah?” I shouted. I had a bad habit of inflaming someone more when they were angry. Richard had always used that as an excuse when he’d hit me. He’d blame me, tell me it was my fault that he reacted the way he did. He’d say that I knew exactly what to do to push his buttons.
"Yeah," Cole sighed as he hit the steering wheel again and muttered the words that I almost missed. "My dad hit me too."
"What?" I gasped as my eyes went wide.
He lifted his head and as I looked into his eyes the understanding that had been there before was now shining back at me along with pain. “The scars that you asked about…my dad did that.” His shoulders slumped as he shook his head at me, "So you see…I get it."
ooooooooo
Cole
I watched her face as the words I'd just let slip out sank in. She hadn't expected it, and by the tears that were flowing freely down her face I don't know if she really knew what to say. I watched as the anger and fear she'd had melted away as she slid closer to the middle of the seat.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered as she reached over and placed her hand on my forearm. "I didn't know."
I lifted my head to stare into her eyes as I nodded slowly, "No one does. Only Wes."
She gave a quick nod as she sucked her lip into her mouth and began chewing on it. "How old were you?"
"Nine," I muttered as I looked away to stare out the driver's side window.
She gasped before replying, "It wasn't your fault. You know that right? You were just a kid."
I squeezed my eyes shut as the painful memories rose to the surface. I hadn’t told anyone about my dad. Wes was the only one who knew anything, and even he didn’t know the whole story. All the years of living in that house…listening to my mother cry at night…trying to take care of my little sister, and protect her from our father. What I ultimately did to stop the beatings…
"Richard didn't always hit me," she began so quietly I almost didn't hear her. I nodded, so she knew I was listening, but stayed quiet hoping she'd keep talking. "We met in college…he was three years older than me, and studying to be a lawyer. When he came up to talk to me the first time, I couldn't believe it was happening. He was charming, and good looking, and I was a nobody. He asked me out on a date that afternoon. Things progressed quickly with us, and I let it because at the time I really liked him. He always knew what to say, how to act…" she trailed off as she began twisting the hem of her shirt in her fingers. "The first time he hurt me was a month after we started dating. I'd been on the quad with some friends from class. Richard came up and was mad that some of my friends were guys. He grabbed me so hard that he left a bruise on my arm. He told me to study inside where no one could stare at me. When I showed him the bruise the next day, he apologized. He said he didn't mean to, and I shouldn't anger him. He said if I'd listened, things like that wouldn’t happen. I believed him. He always found a way to make it my fault. It took me three years to leave him,” she lifted her gaze to stare at me. "You wonder why I act like I do? It's because I can never go back to that."
“I’m not him,” I reached up to cup her cheek. “I would never hit you. Never!”
"I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust you…you see? I'm broken," she
shrugged and tried to look away.
"You're not broken. You've just had your trust broken. I wanna be with you Maddie. I wanna be the one to help you get your trust back. I'm broken too," I leaned forward to place a kiss to her forehead, and instead of pulling away she actually leaned into me.
“It’s gonna take some time for me,” she gave me a half smile. “Every time you do or say something that reminds me of the past, it’s gonna to cause me to shut down. I can’t help it. It’s been my mantra for so long…run.”
"We can help each other," I reached up to cup her cheek. "I've got baggage too."
"Tell me," she whispered. "Tell me about your dad."
As much as I knew I needed to be open and honest with her, I couldn't. I'd never opened up about it, and I knew I wasn't ready now. "Not tonight. Another time."
"I'm sorry," she slowly bobbed her head up and down.
"Don't be…it's my past," I tried to reassure her, but she wasn't having it. Her shoulders sank even lower as she wiped at her eyes.
"No…I mean I ruined tonight," she began chewing her lip once again as she darted her eyes up to mine.
“It’s ok,” I smiled. “Why don’t we get some takeout and eat on the beach? I think I might have a blanket back there to sit on," I pointed toward the back of the car.
"But the restaurant?" what looked like fear flitted across her face.
"It's no big deal. Plans change," I shrugged.
"Richard would never have let me change our plans," she murmured as she turned and began buckling her seatbelt.
“I’m not him,” I reached over and gripped her chin. “I’m not him,” I murmured again as I watched her deflate and relax for the first time in the last hour. Perhaps this was the beginning…the beginning to something, neither one of us, had been expecting nor looking for…the only question now was…was I ready?
Chapter 14
Maddie
After the explosive but enlightening conversation we’d had earlier in the evening, I wasn’t sure what to expect from Cole. However, now as we sat wrapped in each other’s arms on the beach staring at the waves I couldn’t be more content.
Since I'd ruined Cole's plans, he'd stopped at a local diner and grabbed some burgers and fries. We shared a chocolate milkshake and were now enjoying the sounds of the waves lapping up on the sand.
"You ok now?" Cole leaned forward and whispered in my ear.
I nodded as I shifted in his arms. After we'd finished eating, I'd moved to sit between his legs. He'd wrapped his arms around me and tugged my back flush with his chest. I could feel his heart hammering away against my back, and the rhythm was quite soothing.
“I am now,” I mumbled on a sigh as I continued to stare out at the water. It was peaceful sitting there in his arms. So peaceful that I almost didn’t want the evening to end. I felt like we’d had such a rough start, and now as the stars began shining brightly overhead it was nearing time to leave. “It’s so peaceful here,” I murmured.
"I always loved the beach growing up," Cole's voice was quiet almost timid. "My mom used to bring us when we were little."
"Really?" I leaned my head to the side and rested it on Cole's bent knee.
“Yeah,” he blew out a breath. "Dad hated it though. He hated everything about the beach. The sand, the sun, the noise," he almost growled.
“Tell me about it,” I coaxed. I knew he had a hard time opening up. It was obvious from the very start. Every time we would come near the subject he’d change it, but now that we were here in the dark it seemed easier to get him to talk.
ooooooooo
Cole
I don't know why I felt so safe going back to that place, but here sitting on the sand with my arms around her…I felt like I could tell her anything. She was so understanding and compassionate, and the longer we sat enjoying the silence, the more I wanted her to know me.
“I don’t really remember when it started, probably before I was born. I always remember my mom crying at night. She was always on edge when Dad was around, and the older I got, the more I noticed. Sometimes I’d catch her in the bathroom crying and trying to cover a bruise. I’d ask her what she was doing, and she’d make an excuse that she’d hurt herself. I was little,” I shrugged against Maddie’s back. “I believed her because she was my mom, she was supposed to have all the answers."
Maddie slowly turned in my arms and lifted her eyes to look at me. She scanned my face and sucked that lower lip into her mouth again. I now knew this was a nervous habit, and I waited to see what she would do next. When she didn’t move to say or do anything, I continued on, “One day I caught them fighting in the kitchen. Dad was mad about Mom fixing soup for dinner. He wanted something different, and she refused to cater to him. I watched him lift his arm, and slap her across the face for it. He shouted at her, called her stupid, and then poured the soup down the drain in the sink. I can remember being so shocked that my dad would do that that I threw myself in front of her to stop him when he went to hit her again. Instead of her taking the beating that night, he hit me. I'd never been so scared in my life. He yelled at me for getting in the way, and then he dragged me upstairs." I watched as Maddie shrunk down in my lap. Based on the reaction, I guessed that something similar had happened to her. "He tossed me down on my bed and then yanked his belt from the belt loops of his dress pants." I shook my head as the memory played over in my mind like a movie. It was still vivid as if it had happened yesterday. "That was the first of many. By the time, Angela was born I was taking a beating at least every other day. As much as I loathed being around him, knowing that it was me instead of my sister, or mom helped some."
“Oh my god!” Maddie gasped. “I’m sorry,” she whimpered slightly as she sucked her tears back. I could tell that my past was effecting her even though she was trying to not let it.
“Don’t be,” I slowly shook my head as I lifted my gaze to the sky. “He’s dead,” I let the words slip out. “He can’t hurt me anymore,” I turned back to look at her as I lifted my hands to cup her face. I let my thumbs trail over her cheeks wiping away the tears as I stared deep into her eyes. “We’re not so different…you and I.” Before she could respond, I dipped my chin and captured her lips in a sweet kiss. Maddie was just the balm my soul needed. Even though I couldn’t tell her about my darkest secret, letting her in even this much had helped. As our lips moved together, taking comfort in the bond we were building, I could feel my broken soul slowly fusing back together. Every little crack, break, and splinter was slowly fusing as Maddie's heart began to heal them.
ooooooooo
Maddie
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. How could a parent let someone do something like that to their child? How could his mother not protect him? He was just a kid, and she let him protect her. My heart hurt as I watched the sadness fill Cole’s eyes. He’d gone from this strong, fearless man to a scared little boy in just a short amount of time. Watching him stare at me like he was waiting for me to reject him was causing my heart to squeeze in my chest.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I licked my lips as I peered up at him. “None of it…whatever happened in that house, you didn’t cause it.” I hoped he understood what I was trying to say. I hoped that he realized how much I was like him, and I hoped that whatever was happening in that moment was the beginning of something good. We both needed someone to heal us. Someone who could fill that black hole that was left by our past.
“Maddie?” I could hear the unspoken question in his voice as his eyes pleaded for permission. I nodded, and within a split second Cole crushed his mouth to mine. Where the last kiss had been soft and sweet, this one was bruising and desperate. It was as if he thought I was going to run away. He kept his hands on my cheeks holding me in place as he slanted his head, and plunged his tongue deep into my mouth.
The onslaught of euphoria was instantaneous, and I felt a rush of adrenaline run through me. Goose bumps rose on my arms and legs, and heat pool between my legs. I’d be
en holding back so long, afraid to feel again, afraid to let anyone in, but more importantly afraid of letting a man in, so much so that I couldn’t control the rush of feelings my body was currently experiencing. Cole was tearing the bricks away one-by-one. The wall that I'd built between us when I'd first met him was crumbling faster than either of us knew.
As his hands left my face to slide down to my shoulders, and then to wrap around me, I turned in his arms and pressed my chest to his. A moan I didn't know I was holding in bubbled up inside me as I slid my arms around his shoulders and began tangling my fingers in his soft hair. "Maddie," he gasped when he broke the kiss "You're so beautiful. Tell me you feel what I feel," he begged as he moved to kiss my jaw. Before I could respond, I felt his lips make contact with the scar I'd been hiding for years. My makeup covered it, and unless he really looked hard, Cole wouldn't even know it was there. As his lips skimmed across it, I couldn't help but freeze. It was a natural reaction for me, and I only hoped Cole didn't pick up on it.
"What's wrong?" his breathed right next to my ear.
"Nothing," I gasped as he tugged on the lobe with his teeth.
"I felt it Maddie. You stiffened…why?" he pulled back to look at me, and what I saw brought the tears back. He wasn't angry or upset like I'd thought he would be, and he was patient and curious.
"Richard cut me there," I whispered. "I don't like to be touched there."
Cole swallowed as he stared at me, "That bastard didn't deserve you." He reached up to caress my jaw, "I promise…no one will ever touch you again."
Whatever restraint I’d been using to keep myself in check that evening had just been obliterated with those simple words coming from him. No one had ever offered me protection. Richard had always had everyone believing him, and now Cole was offering the one thing that had seemed unreachable all those years ago. As he studied me, waiting to see what I would do, I launched myself at him catching him completely off guard.
When I crashed into his chest, we toppled backwards on the blanket. Cole grunted slightly as his back hit the sand, and I landed in a pile of uncoordinated limbs on top of him. Before I could talk myself out of it, I sealed my mouth to his and resumed our feverish kiss. Cole’s arms banded around me holding me in place on top of him. One palm went to my hip, and the other buried itself in my hair.
Irreparably Broken (The Broken Series Book 1) Page 9