“Really?” asked Sara. “How would I know the difference?”
Lucy raised her shoulders in a light shrug. “How well do you know Lord Aster? How much do you know about his habits? Are you sure you know him well enough to agree to spend your life with him?”
Sara hesitated. “I don’t know very much about him, I suppose. But I do like him very, very much, and I might love him if I knew him better. Besides, why should I have to know him very well? I don’t know Lord Fitzgerald at all, and my father would gladly see me betrothed to him. But I refused to agree to it, and now Mama is taking me away to Scotland. It is so unfair.”
“It does seem harsh,” Lucy agreed, “and so unlike your parents. That’s why you should trust them. If they feel strongly enough to behave in this odd manner, their concerns must be worth careful consideration.” She remembered the secretive conversation between Derek and Lord Aster in the parlor and realized she didn’t know Lord Aster very well either.
Sara looked at Lucy, her expression skeptical. “You wouldn’t obey them if they were your parents. You would pretend to listen and then do what you wanted anyway.”
Lucy gave a half-hearted smile. “I don’t think that was true of my nature when Papa was alive. My situation was so very different. But since then? Yes, I admit I’ve made some decisions that go against the pale. That’s why you should take my advice. I’ve learned that just because we think we know what is best for ourselves, it doesn’t mean we really do.”
Sara sighed. “Oh, I suppose. Actually, I think I am more annoyed with Stephen than anyone else. He hasn’t asked me to marry him, so how could I possibly plan an elopement? Here I am trying to make these difficult decisions, and what is he doing to help? Nothing! It’s entirely possible he never intended to offer for me at all, but how would I know?”
Lucy noticed the familiar use of Lord Aster’s given name and wondered just how close the two had become. “I wouldn’t assume such a thing about Lord Aster. It’s possible he’s been occupied with business. As for your parents, your earlier suspicions may have been correct. Perhaps they don’t favor him because he’s a close acquaintance of my husband. Of course, I suspect your kissing him didn’t help matters.”
“Well, I am still annoyed with him,” Sara grumbled. “Since he hasn’t contacted me, I don’t know whether to think him a gentlemanly coward or a disinterested rake. Either way, I don’t want to disappear to Scotland without a word of explanation. Do you think you could tell him?”
“Tell him what?”
“That my mother insists I accompany her to Scotland and that if I had any choice in the matter, I wouldn’t go. You can also say it was extremely rude of him not to have declared his feelings, at least to me in private.”
“I will say no such thing,” Lucy said as she imagined Lord Aster’s shock at such a personal sentiment being relayed to him. “But, if I find an opportune moment, I will tell him you didn’t wish to leave without saying goodbye, et cetera, and so forth.” She paused, taking in Sara’s glum expression. “I think your parents are very wise to watch your every move; you are too quick to love. It is probably a good thing your mother is taking you away.”
“But to Scotland! It will be eight months before I see you again.”
Both girls fell silent as Sara’s words sank in. Then Lucy brightened. “Perhaps I’ll be able to visit you. Stonecrest is doing so much better, and I’ve finally hired an estate manager.”
Sara’s head bobbed with enthusiasm. “The lane is so smooth and even, and the cottages so bright and neat. It’s exciting to see the grounds looking so splendid. You’re happy, then, taking care of Stonecrest?” she asked. “You are happy you married?”
“I achieved my goal,” Lucy said slowly, “so I am as happy as I expected to be. Stonecrest is safe and on its way to becoming everything my father wanted.”
“What about your husband?”
“Indeed, what about him? The man confounds me. His very presence jumbles my emotions. So does his absence,” she added with a wry smile, wondering if she should tell Sara about the baby. She decided to take one thing at a time.
“We consummated our marriage.”
Sara’s eyes widened, then began to dance with excitement. “Oh, you must tell me all about it. Why does it hurt? Did you bleed? What happens exactly?”
“All right, all right,” Lucy said. She and Sara had agreed that whichever one married first, she would tell the other everything. It was more embarrassing than she had expected, however. “I think it only happened once, so I’m no expert by any means.”
“What do you mean you think it only happened once? Do you not know?”
Lucy shook her head sheepishly. “Not really. If it’s supposed to hurt, then it only happened once. It’s just that it wasn’t the first time he… er… well, before the actual consummation, I had the most indescribable feeling, which I would much rather have than the other feeling.” At the memory of that incredible experience, Lucy lapsed into silence, her thoughts momentarily far away.
“You’re making me positively green with envy. But why does it hurt?”
“Well, I think because of its size and where it goes,” Lucy said.
Sara wrinkled her brow. “The size of what and where what goes?”
“Well, the… er… manhood. You know. You know what happens between horses or dogs, don’t you?”
“Of course not,” Sara replied matter-of-factly. “Why?” Her eyeballs bulged. “Please don’t tell me people do it the same way as dogs.”
“Let me start over,” Lucy said, trying to decide how to approach her explanation, since it was obvious Sara knew even less than she herself had known, which hadn’t been much.
“Uhmm… the manhood is… ah, an appendage that’s hidden under their clothes.”
Sara gasped, and Lucy swallowed a chuckle. It did sound strange put exactly that way. “Sara, you have four brothers. You must have noticed something in the front of their trousers.”
Sara’s face was blank. “Of course I’ve noticed something, but what has that to do with anything?”
Lucy giggled and shook her head. “Oh, for Heaven’s sake. I shall just say it; there is an appendage hidden in the front of their trousers. The problem is that it grows much larger in bed—”
“Oh!” Sara shrieked and jumped up from the sofa. “Don’t tell me anything else, for I fear I shall faint! It sounds like one of David’s monster stories, the ones he makes up when he’s trying to frighten me.” She sat back down and peered at Lucy, a suspicious glint in her eyes. “You are making this up, aren’t you? Lucy, really, I’m quite certain if any of my brothers had a growing appendage in the front of his trousers, I should have noticed it by now.”
“I’m telling you the absolute truth. Honestly, it isn’t the way it sounds. It’s much more exciting than that. The best thing is to compare it to kissing. You know, your preconceptions of what kissing would be like versus the way it really is. If you’d been told a man would stick his tongue in your mouth when he kissed you, you’d have been shocked and disgusted, but when it actually happens, it’s neither shocking nor disgusting, is it?”
“He sticks his tongue in your mouth? Whatever for? I’ve been kissed quite a few times, and not once has someone else’s tongue been in my mouth. I’m quite certain I would be shocked.”
It struck Lucy that for all Sara’s experience with kissing, she wasn’t very experienced at all. “Well, one day you may find a tongue there, and you’ll see it isn’t disgusting at all.”
Sara stared at Lucy for a long moment before finally shaking her head. “I still can’t believe they hide something in their trousers. Some men’s trousers are so tight I’m sure I would be able to see it.” Her eyes suddenly narrowed and she fixed her gaze on Lucy. “I distinctly remember the night Lady Hepper poured the glass of ice water on Lord Vixon, as I’m sure you must. When he stood up his pants were molded to him like a second skin. And there was nothing there at all.”
Lucy shr
ugged. “I don’t know what to say about that, but I can assure you it isn’t the case for every man. If you pay attention to that area, you will see that some men have a noticeable bulge there. I noticed it the first time I saw Derek at the ball. Actually, I think it only grows when a man likes you—that way. Which would explain why you haven’t noticed it in your brothers.”
Sara looked thoughtful. “Well, I shall certainly start paying attention to that area. But why does it hurt?”
“It hurts when he puts it inside, down there.”
“Down there?” Sara echoed, her face reflecting her shock. “Oh, my.”
“But in my husband’s case, it was obviously too big to fit—much too big to fit—and I don’t want to try it again.”
“But my mother assured me it only hurts the first time. She didn’t say why, but—I’ve got it! It gets stretched out, like a new shoe!” Sara exclaimed, looking very pleased with her deduction.
“Hmmm,” said Lucy, thinking that over and not liking the sound of it. “But shoes shrink back if you only wear them once. Oh, I don’t know. The whole affair is too complicated to think about, and anyway—”
She stopped short at the sight of Sara holding a pillow over her face to smother her laughter, and she let her own laughter finally erupt. The two girls giggled uncontrollably for several minutes.
“Oh, goodness!” Sara said in between gulps of air. “I know you are pulling my leg, but it’s just so wonderful to see you that I shan’t hold it against you.”
Lucy squeezed Sara’s hand. “Yes, it is wonderful, isn’t it? Your visit has lifted my spirits.”
Sara grew quiet. “Oh, dear. Have your spirits been low?”
“It’s nothing,” Lucy said. “But I meant it when I said my husband confounds me. There’s the reputation he has, and I know some of that must be true. Then I learned he paid for new wheels to be put on Mr. Kruger’s delivery wagon and had new windows installed in Mr. McNeight’s store. It is the same with his treatment of me. He was so kind, so attentive one day, and then the next he was furious and I had no idea why. I just don’t know what to think,” she said. “What do you think of him, Sara? Or rather, what do your brothers think?”
Sara’s gaze was fastened to the mantel clock. “Oh, dear, it’s much later than I thought,” she said. “I really should be going before they come looking for me.” She rose from her seat and edged toward the door. “I took the gig, after all, and—”
“What is it? What do you know?” Lucy’s heart dropped at the guilty expression on Sara’s face. Her friend knew something too disheartening to reveal. When she saw Sara’s eyes fill with sorrow, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know what it was.
“I don’t know anything, really. It would only be so much more gossip, and you’ve surely heard more than enough of that,” Sara said as she turned toward the door.
“You wouldn’t be so upset if you were certain it was just gossip, so tell me what you’ve heard, and leave it to me to decide the truth of it. I have a right to know,” Lucy finished quietly.
Sara stopped and turned to face her. “Oh, dear, I wasn’t going to say anything. I thought and thought about it and I finally decided to say nothing. For once in my life, I wish I didn’t have four brothers to eavesdrop on.”
The anguished look on Sara’s face was enough for Lucy. Taking a steadying breath, she braced herself for whatever was coming.
“Captain Wainright’s ship was anchored off the West Indies Islands, Lucy. And his cargo was… slaves.”
Lucy felt a sickening lurch in her stomach. “Where did you hear this? Are you certain?”
Sara’s eyes glistened with tears. “David said so. He heard it from Lord Fenick, who was there himself. Lord Fenick said his own captain went to help, taking with him the ship’s doctor and two sailmakers, and that he and some of the other men took turns looking at the ship through the spyglass. Lord Fenick said there were slaves all over the deck, in terrible shape. Bodies were being wrapped and thrown off one end of the ship. Oh, Lucy, I’m so sorry. Was I wrong to tell you?”
“No,” Lucy replied, her voice as quiet as death as she forced herself not to betray any of the emotion she felt. “It is better that I know. I knew money was important to him, but I never dreamed… Believe me, Sara, it is much better that I know now rather than later, because I think there was just the smallest possibility that I was falling in love with him.”
But later that evening as she sat at her dressing table reflecting on everything she’d learned, she knew that it wasn’t a matter of possibilities. She’d already fallen in love with him, and she wished with all her heart she had not. What would she do? How would she face him?
Maybe he wouldn’t come back. That would be the best thing for everyone. Or maybe he would come back just long enough to tell her he was leaving for America. That would be all right too. She forced herself to stop thinking about it, about him, and instead rang for Bridget, asking for a dinner tray in her room, and then she left it untouched, unable to eat a single bite as she listened passively to the maid’s chattering, all the while forcing herself not to feel a thing.
It was only later, when she was alone in her bed surrounded by darkness, that she allowed herself to think of him and to cry, her anguished sobs heart-wrenching and full of sorrow.
Sorrow for love lost.
Chapter 28
The pains started shortly after midnight.
At first Lucy blamed them on the lack of dinner, but when the cramping became worse, she panicked and called for Eleanor, fearing the unbearable reality of what she already knew in her heart: She would lose her baby.
By the time the blood came, Mrs. Sutton was there, and though the midwife seemed certain Lucy’s life was not in danger, she stayed until dawn, checking periodically for the amount of bleeding and giving Lucy something to help her sleep.
But restful sleep eluded her, and she cried out during her dreams, as often for Derek as she did for her child. At one point she became so overwrought that Mrs. Sutton was forced to awaken her, and then she wept uncontrollably as Eleanor held her in her arms.
When finally she fell into a drug-induced sleep, the midwife signaled to Eleanor and the two stepped away from the bed.
“Is there any way to reach the captain?” Mrs. Sutton asked, her voice low.
Eleanor wrung her hands and shook her head. “He’s at sea. I don’t know when he is to return. Why? Could she d-die?”
“No, no. I think she’ll be fine. It’s early on, and these things happen. She’s so distraught over the loss, though, much more than most would be for such a slight advancement. I wonder if she feels this baby her only tie to the captain. I was at the wedding celebration; they were so much in love. Is she worried he might not return?”
Eleanor saw the kind concern in the woman’s eyes and she dispensed with any pretense. “She has wondered about it. The marriage has been fraught with uncertainties, and of course, no one can know what may happen at sea. I don’t think she has any idea what to expect.”
Mrs. Sutton nodded, her expression thoughtful. “When she wakes up from the laudanum, the captain and the baby will both probably seem a little unreal to her. It might help her if she could feel some link to him. Is there anyone who knew the captain who could talk to her about him, share memories?”
Eleanor thought quickly. “Lord Aster knows the captain very well.”
“What about a woman? Is there a woman who could stay for a visit?”
Eleanor ran over the list of women in her mind who had attended the country party and who might know the captain, and then realized none of them would risk their reputation to come, except perhaps one. “Lady Foxworth. She knows them both.”
“That would be good. If you write out directions, I can take them to the messenger in the village.”
Eleanor wrote out two quick notes. One to Lady Foxworth, and another to Lord Aster, for she had no idea where Lady Foxworth lived, or if, indeed, the woman even had a residence in London. She
only hoped that when the message did find the widow, she would come—and quickly.
Lucy lay on the bed with eyelids too heavy to open, hearing her aunt’s soft murmurs, trying to focus on the sounds outside her window in the hopes that she could forget all else. It was no use. The loss of her baby was huge and aching, and there was no relief. She would never be whole again, and she wished with all her heart that she had never learned of her pregnancy, had never started planning her new life.
She’d known about the baby for two short weeks, and yet she felt as though she couldn’t go on without it. Everything around her was the same; she still had Stonecrest and was finally doing all the things her father had planned, always her dream. So why did she feel such despair?
She reminded herself that she hadn’t wanted the baby to begin with. She reminded herself that Mrs. Sutton had told her it was probably for the best, that nature had a way of taking care of things. Those thoughts didn’t ease the pain or the guilt. She wasn’t even sure if the guilt she carried was because she had initially rejected the baby or because she was afraid that somehow, in some way, the baby had known it was unwanted, if only for those first few hours, and hadn’t had the will to fight for its life.
All she knew was that she had lost the only child she might ever conceive, for she had come to terms with the dark knowledge of the man she had married. Unless he took her by force, there would be no other chance for a baby. Knowing what she did now, she couldn’t possibly feel an attraction to him, if, indeed, she saw him again. But if, by some bizarre act of nature, she was still physically attracted to him, she’d never act on that attraction. That would make her as despicable as he.
She could never again go to him again for any type of comfort, for a man who would deal in the sale of human beings was no man at all.
He was a devil.
*****
“Are you quite certain you want to play that card?” asked Isabelle Foxworth in a languid voice as they awaited the arrival of Lord Aster. Her bags had been set at the front door a half hour earlier, but the earl, who was escorting her back to London, was late.
Duke Of Deception (Wentworth Trilogy) Page 24