Crawling into bed, she turned off her reading light as reality settled in once more. Stretching her arm across the sheet, she could almost feel the warmth of James lying there. A memory opened of how good it was to spoon herself up behind his strong, lean body. He would reach back and take her hand in his, making her feel safe and secure. Often they fell asleep like that. The emptiness felt like an enormous chasm.
This is the way I will go to sleep for a very long time, she thought, possibly the rest of my life. In fact, yes, the rest of my life, I will never fall in love again. Never.
Lying awake in the darkness, Katherine breathed deeply, feeling as though she had never truly grasped the meaning of the word “alone” until this moment. Her whole body ached from the inside out.
Then an agonizing thought came: Had the tender love he felt once for her been given to this other woman? Did he hold the other woman close and dance with her the way they had? Did he take her hand and kiss it and tell her how much he loved her, looking deeply into her eyes? Did he hold her in a strong embrace and say she was the best thing in his life?
Gone. James was gone. Her marriage was gone. The future she had thought lay ahead of her was gone. She felt like she was gone too.
She was awake before dawn. Sleep was not bringing her much respite. Dressing quietly and leaving a note by the espresso maker on the kitchen counter, Katherine slipped out to walk through the familiar neighborhood that was just beginning to show signs of life. Here and there a light appeared as others began to prepare for their day.
The warm shades of the brick Victorian and Edwardian mansions appealed to her sense of style and history. Most were now divided into multiunit dwellings and townhouses, and a sense of community had developed.
Twenty years have passed in a flash, she thought.
By 8:00 a.m. the area would come alive with bikes, in-line skates, and Vespas. University of Toronto students and staff made up a significant portion of the neighborhood, along with young families, professional couples, and retirees.
Katherine had always felt safe here, as if she belonged, but this morning she suddenly felt displaced.
Replaying her evening with Andrea, she hoped it helped her cross a hurdle that was critical to finding her footing. She knew there would be missteps and untold moments of despair, disappointment, and anger to come.
What choice do I have? she questioned with a shrug. It’s not like I’m the first person this has happened to. I’ve joined the crowd.
Molly would be another challenge. Her friend’s fiery temper would erupt, and there would be a lot of nasty talk. Shaking her head at the thought, she was glad Andrea would be there.
It went much as Kat had anticipated. Molly burst into the house with expletives flying and stomped around the kitchen for several minutes cursing James and Ashley to hell and beyond.
Katherine and Andrea stood leaning against the counter until Molly stopped, took a breath, and pulled Katherine into her arms. Bursting into tears, she whispered her sorrow into Kat’s ear and then they all cried. Even Andrea was drawn into the moment and knew it couldn’t be helped. She put her arms around the other two as they all tried to find comfort.
They cried as they shared Kat’s pain and disappointment.
At length, Andrea filled the coffeemaker as tissues were passed around. Molly surprised them by becoming very calm and quite logical and empathetic as they talked.
Getting closer to noon, pretty much everything had been said. Andrea whipped up a quick omelette for brunch and toasted some of her delicious bread as Molly regaled them with a few stories from the previous night at the Blue Note. Never a dull moment there, and just the comic relief they needed.
As Molly cleaned up, they made a list of what steps needed to be taken over the next few days.
Katherine would call the lawyer back the next morning. She had already decided she would go into work at noon so she could set a few things in motion first without having them weigh on her mind at the office. Not having the stomach to do it herself, she asked Andrea to open the e-mail from James and read it out loud. Molly perched on the edge of the desk while Katherine paced.
Thankfully it was brief and to the point. “Kat, I hope you are doing okay. Again, I’m sorry. Please call or e-mail me as soon as you can.”
She decided she was not up to hearing his voice and responded just as briefly. Andrea stayed at the keyboard as Kat dictated.
“I’m waiting to hear from my lawyer.”
“. . . you fucking asshole,” Molly interjected.
“I put your things from the garage by the side of the driveway.”
“. . . you dumb prick,” Molly added as Kat and Andrea burst out laughing.
Katherine continued, “You can pick them up anytime.”
She paused for Molly to have her say.
“. . . you shit-for-brains bastard.”
“Please don’t try to see me if I’m home. The locks have been changed.”
“. . . you shameless, lying, deceitful loser.”
Andrea clicked on “Send” forcefully.
“Ha!” Molly exclaimed and then snorted. “I saw what’s left of his precious bike in that garbage can outside the garage door. You really did a number on it, Katski! Good job!”
“What? I must have missed it,” said Andrea. “I was in such a hurry to get in the house I didn’t notice anything outside. What’s Molly talking about?”
Katherine looked slightly abashed. “I worked myself into such a rage on Saturday I did the only thing I could that I knew would really, really upset James. I totally destroyed his bike.”
“Holy crap!” Molly muttered.
Andrea rolled her eyes and nodded. “That would do it, Kat. Wow!”
“I can’t tell you how good it felt. It was a very mean, vengeful, vindictive act—and I don’t have an ounce of regret about it. I needed to do something.”
Molly laughed cynically. “Never underestimate the therapeutic powers of revenge. James is going to shit his pants when he figures out what’s in that garbage can! I’d love to be peeking out the window.”
“Serves him right,” Andrea agreed.
“I can’t believe I did it,” Katherine said, shaking her head.
After a tall soy latte, grande caffe mocha, and venti green tea at the Starbucks around the corner, Andrea convinced the others to walk over to the Royal Ontario Museum, a nice stroll away. Some kind of distraction was what she had in mind.
Katherine still had difficulty accepting the beautiful weather when she felt so stripped of the ability to appreciate it. In spite of the best efforts of Andrea and Molly, she continued to feel dead inside, simply empty.
“‘The Warrior Emperor and China’s Terracotta Army’,” Andrea read aloud as they approached the ticket window, “‘an exhibition of objects from the tomb complex of Ying Zheng, first emperor of China, from 259 BC.’ It was only discovered in 1974. Imagine! I’ve been dying to see this!”
“Me too,” Katherine agreed, trying to summon enthusiasm.
“Oh, brother,” moaned Molly, “it’s not exactly how I planned to spend my day off.”
“Thanks, Molly, I’m glad you’re hanging out with us. I appreciate it,” Kat reassured her friend.
The exhibit covered one thousand years of war and peace and profound societal change in China. The sheer beauty of the craftsmanship was remarkable. The sixteen life-size warrior figures and two horses on display cast an eerie time-travel vibe.
Katherine entertained thoughts about time traveling out of her present life.
“Twenty-two hundred years old,” Molly commented. “There were thousands of statues found, and each face was different. That’s frickin’ amazing, isn’t it?”
Katherine nodded, still without much feeling. She was going through the motions but not connecting. Andrea put her arm across her shoulder as they wandered through the display.
“You know, from the back, you two could be twins,” Molly observed, pulling up the rear.
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“Oh yeah,” replied Andrea, “but not when you turn us around. I got the freckles and big boobs!”
“Not to mention that her hair is short and a totally different color,” Kat added. “But you’re right, Molly, we are the same height!”
They all laughed at that.
Picking up a pizza on the way back to the townhouse, they spent another hour quietly chatting before Molly got up to leave.
“Molly, thanks for today,” said Katherine. “It was good to have you here, and don’t feel you have to go.”
“No problemo!” Molly replied in her raspy voice, hoping to sound upbeat and encouraging. Then her face softened and her voice dropped several notches as she looked intently at Katherine. “I’m so, so, so sorry this has happened. I would stay, but we’ve got a special choir practice at church this evening.” Then she crossed her eyes and crossed herself.
The others had to laugh.
“Don’t forget,” she continued, hugging Katherine one last time, “call me anytime. Whenever, for whatever. We will get through this.”
Andrea walked Molly to the door and stepped onto the porch with her, hoping to get out of earshot of Katherine. “Molly, keep checking on Kat, please. I’m concerned about how she is taking this. She really doesn’t have anyone, apart from her mother, to talk to except you and me.”
Molly nodded and whispered back, “I will, for sure. I can pop by any day on my way home from school. It’s right on the subway line. I always suspected she didn’t have any close girlfriends. James kept pretty tight control of their lives. Kinda weird, now that I think about it.”
“You know, we never really talked about it. It just was the way it was,” Andrea said. “Funny how we simply accept some things and then in retrospect wonder why.”
“Don’t worry,” Molly assured her. “I’ll keep in close touch and let you know if I have any worries.”
They hugged good-bye and Andrea returned to the kitchen.
Once Molly was gone, Andrea and Katherine spent some time talking about their concerns about Elisabeth’s health. It was a feeble attempt at diversion, and it didn’t work for long.
Finally Katherine said, “Andrea, it’s time for you to go. I’m so glad you came to stay with me. I needed you! And Molly too. Honestly, you were both so helpful. Now I need to be alone and you need to get back to your family.”
Andrea put her arms tightly around her cousin one more time and then began to collect her things to leave.
Katherine admitted she was still having trouble not blaming herself for the whole mess. “It’s going to take me a while to work through that, you know,” she confessed.
“I understand, Kat, I truly do. I don’t know what more I can say about it except that it’s not your fault and you have to come to terms with that.”
“Oh, I know that, intellectually. But emotionally it’s another story. I feel destroyed.”
“I can stay tonight, Kat,” Andrea offered without hesitation.
“No, really, I’ll be okay. I just needed to say that to you. It helps to say it out loud.”
“Call me. Any time. You know that.”
“Of course I do, and I will. I have no doubt about that. You’ve been a rock, as always.”
They both teared up slightly and then gave each other a shake.
“Enough already,” said Katherine. “I’m done for now.”
They had decided Katherine and her mother would go up to St. Jacobs the following weekend, and Kat would focus on that. It would be Canadian Thanksgiving, her family’s favorite celebration. James had even enjoyed it. That was going to be a tough one.
In the bedroom, she stripped the sheets from the bed, gathered all the towels from the bathroom, and stuffed everything in the washing machine. His scent was everywhere, despite her efforts to ignore it. The freshly showered and shaved smell she knew so well. His allergies kept any fragrances out of the house.
She had loved how he smelled. Now she wanted to be rid of it.
Immersing herself to her neck in a steaming bubble bath, she distracted herself by staring at the map of the Riviera at the foot of the tub. She thought about some of the French perfumes she had enjoyed wearing before she met James and his allergies. Maybe it was time to enjoy them again.
Sipping a mug of warm milk in bed afterward, she found the sleep she had been seeking.
Shortly after noon on Monday, Katherine walked into the office and broke the news, apologizing for not being honest when she called in sick.
Sitting on the edge of her desk, she could easily connect with everyone in the small open space. “I have something to tell you and don’t want to have to say it individually, so please bear with me. James and I are divorcing, and that’s why I was away.”
Sympathetic responses and shocked expressions were the collective reactions.
“Let us know if there is anything any of us can do,” Dr. Henderson said as he went over and put his arm around her shoulder.
Katherine clutched tissues and swallowed hard, nodding silently for a few seconds. “Right now the best thing for me to do is to get back to work and think about something other than myself. I really appreciate your support.”
Laura put on the kettle and suggested a cup of tea, which Katherine gratefully accepted.
Later, Lucy came over to hug her and deliver a note that included some Chinese characters intended to be empowering and energizing. She offered to help in any way she could. Typical Lucy, Katherine thought appreciatively.
She was glad everything else in her life was under control.
At least I have plenty of work to keep me busy.
Looking back on it a month later, Katherine was astounded at how quickly everything about the separation and divorce proceedings was organized. With no children involved and all financial and property holdings in both their names, it was a straightforward arrangement: cut it all right down the middle.
There had been one brief, awkward telephone conversation that had ended with Kat hanging up in tears. Then there was the voicemail tirade he left upon discovering the remains of his bicycle. In fact, she had not even needed to see James in person. The thought of it made her feel ill, so the few issues they needed to discuss were handled by e-mail. It was all kind of surreal, but it worked.
Katherine and her mother had spent Thanksgiving weekend at Andrea’s farm. It had poured rain most of the time and they passed the time reading, cooking, and playing board games. It had certainly not been the usual happy time, but they had made the best of it. Andrea’s three kids were around and helped to keep the energy levels from flagging.
The wheels had been quickly set in motion by Kat during the week before they went out to St. Jacobs.
The townhouse was up for sale.
Katherine had no desire to stay on and be surrounded by memories that now felt tainted and false.
They had agreed on the division of furniture, and James had gone over with movers to remove what was his. There had been no disputes. Katherine discovered she was able to step back and not feel emotional about any material things.
“Really,” she said to Molly over a mocha at Starbucks, “in the grand scheme of things, what does any of that stuff mean now?”
“Well, I would take the bastard for everything I could,” Molly answered, “especially if I knew there were things he might really want. Then I would give it all to Goodwill!”
Kat choked on her last gulp of coffee, laughing at the same time.
“Seriously,” Molly continued, “you’ve been way kinder about this split than I ever would have been! I know I would have been mean. I think there’s something very satisfying about looking into the eyes of someone who has inflicted pain on me and saying ‘gotcha!’”
“I hear you. I think I accomplished that when I demolished his beloved bike.”
“Oh yeah, that was a good one. But I would definitely want a face-to-face confrontation. At least, that’s what I needed with every one of my breakups,” Molly said.
“Nope, not for me. I just want it over. I think James is hurt that I don’t want to see him, and that’s given me some satisfaction.”
Molly nodded slowly, considering Kat’s point.
“Dealing with my damaged ego and broken heart is another matter. Honestly, I feel like I would just like to punch the living daylights out of James if I had the chance.”
“Kick him squarely in the balls,” Molly offered.
“That too.”
As expected, the townhouse sold quickly. The closing was fast, but Katherine had no problem dealing with that, as she was sending everything of hers to storage.
There had been one more unpleasant surprise. Unbeknownst to her, James had made some high-risk investments on a margin account, using the house as collateral. She had signed the papers at the time, but he had always assured her the investment was doing well, and she had no reason to doubt him.
When the house was sold, Katherine shook her head as she picked up her check from the lawyer’s office. “I guess I have no recourse here, right?” she asked, and her lawyer confirmed that.
The final nail in the coffin, Katherine thought. I really have no respect or feelings for the man now in any way. It’s as if he is a completely different person to the one I thought I knew.
“Asshole!” Molly spat out when Katherine told her.
“Well said,” Kat agreed.
“Anyu, I know what you’re going to say before I even ask this question, but I want you to at least think about it,” Katherine had instructed her mother over dinner the night the house went on the market.
“So you know I’m going to say yes, no matter what it is. Why should I think about it?” Elisabeth replied, her eyes crinkling with laughter.
Shaking her head, Kat smiled lovingly. “You are the best.” Within days she had moved into her old room and set up an office in the spare room.
Her quick retreat from the townhouse had helped put some things in perspective. Change was here, and this she was learning to accept. Her feelings of guilt, remorse, anger, and confusion were another story. The future looked blank. It wasn’t as if she and James had talked a lot of about retirement and what came after. In fact, they actually hadn’t, as they were both so focused on their careers. But certainly she had never considered life without him.
The Promise of Provence (Love in Provence Book 1) Page 4