You’d have to find a living example in order to prove your case.
CLINTON:
Trust me: I don’t have to go far before I’m looking one in the face.
TRISTAN:
I myself don’t observe these living examples you have in mind.
CLINTON:
They stand out like balls on a camel; I mean, you’d have to be blind.
TRISTAN:
I have believed all my life the doctrine one was taught at school,
’Tis knowledge that maketh the wise man; ’tis ignorance that maketh the fool.
CLINTON:
Well, you have believeth wrong, I’m afraid; ’tis something I can guarantee:
A learnèd fool is more of a fool than an ignorant fool can be.
TRISTAN:
I know not whence come your maxims; I suspect they must be anonymous,
For the commonly held view is that ‘ignorant’ and ‘foolish’ are synonymous.
CLINTON:
Oh, well, if you want to mince words, I’m not much of a debater,
But the proximity between ‘fool’ and ‘pedant’ is actually even greater.
TRISTAN:
Fools alone have foolishness.
CLINTON:
And pedants are naturally pedantic.
TRISTAN:
You cannot put a price upon knowledge, yet its value is gigantic.
CLINTON:
But pedants are a dime a dozen, and you can get fools for the same rate.
TRISTAN:
You must find ignorance very attractive to defend it as a noble state.
CLINTON:
If for me ignorance is appealing, it’s because every now and then,
I have been exposed to certain charlatans, who are posing as Great Men.
Between ignorance and pretension, I find ignorance the lesser crime;
And when offered ignorance or arrogance, I’ll take ignorance every time.
TRISTAN:
Certain people may seem arrogant because of the disrespect we show them;
They may be as good as certain others, if we bother to get to know them.
CLINTON:
Yes, but if we rely on clever people to tell us who’s clever,
When clever people can’t agree, then we won’t know who’s clever forever.
PHILOMENA:
It seems to me, you upstart—
CLINTON:
God, I’m attacked on both flanks!
Surely Tristan can look after himself, without bringing in the tanks.
I already have a worthy opponent, and if I may be so blunt,
Even I know from history not to fight a war on more than one front.
AMANDA:
I have held back from this intense exchange, which I’ve heard in snatches—
CLINTON:
And now more reinforcements! Quick! Batten down the hatches!
PHILOMENA:
One can suffer some robust crossfire in any conversation
As long as no-one in particular is the target of vilification.
CLINTON:
My God! It’s impossible to offend him; the man is immune from attack!
Whenever he leaves an assembly, he cops a fresh load of arrows in his back.
To suggest the man is sensitive is totally preposterous!
He’s an insult on legs, and has a hide like a rhinoceros!
TRISTAN:
I am taken aback by this affront spoken right to my face,
But I ignore, from this larrikin, a thesis so ignoble and base.
He is ‘a man of the people’, and everybody’s best friend.
The people are his standard; above the mire no mind may ascend;
They are the mob, which has a natural interest in promoting ignorance;
This young man is its advocate, and thus takes up its defence.
CLINTON:
You seem to have a bit of a thing about this unruly mob,
Whose self-esteem is hardly helped by the put-downs of a snob;
Every day, you treat the people like a bunch of clueless fools
Who are the cause of all the problems that beset you born-to-rules.
You accuse us of being philistines, who are a drain on the public purse;
And we are somehow responsible for making your failures worse.
Well permit me, Tristan Tosser, with all the respect you deserve,
To tell you what you and your colleagues would do very well to observe:
Stop treating the people with contempt; and take a more respectful tone;
We’re not as stupid as you think; good taste isn’t yours alone,
And we have enough common sense to know when you’re pulling the wool.
We are the spirit of the world, we’ve got goodwill by the bucketful,
And if our earthy occupations are not sufficiently sedentary,
It won’t flatter you to know we beat the hell out of your pedantry.
TRISTAN:
Was that outburst an illustration of your notion of good taste?
CLINTON:
Perhaps you might enlighten me, in what way it was debased?
TRISTAN:
Nowhere in your diatribe, Monsieur, did you bother to place reliance
On a reference from literature or a principle of science.
Why? The answer’s obvious: You’re unaccustomed to such support,
When your standard of evidence is the mob rule of the people’s court.
CLINTON:
Ah, I see your problem: I failed to refer to your writing;
Some juicy poetic extract might have made my case more exciting.
I momentarily forgot that the entire destiny of our nation
Rides upon your precious pen and its dazzling illumination.
My words are merely oral, but yours are published in print;
My opinions have little value, but yours are worth a mint.
Let universal glory now be crowned upon your head
For the simple reason you’re able to quote from Great Men who are dead.
If you aspire to be the most learnèd of all, then go ahead and be it:
But remember that we, the unruly mob, know good writing when we see it!
PHILOMENA:
How dare you behave in this heated manner to our Writer of the Week!
Your true nature has been revealed in the insolent way you speak!
It is the good name of your rival here that prompts this jealous display!
And further proof my judgment is sound; and my daughter will obey—
SCENE FOUR
VADIUS, TRISTAN, PHILOMENA, CLINTON, AMANDA.
VADIUS enters. She has books.
VADIUS:
Please pardon me, Madam, in paying this unscheduled visit.
PHILOMENA:
You are always welcome, Doctor Vadius. Would you like a glass of water?
VADIUS:
Tristan brags everywhere that he is going to marry your daughter,
A claim I find disturbing for a very good reason.
PHILOMENA:
What is it?
VADIUS:
I have to warn you his true philosophy is to marry into your riches.
And I strongly advise you to abandon the idea of him for your son-in-law.
I am at present composing a statement, to reveal his true colours and more.
But meanwhile, there’s yet another purpose for my visit.
AMANDA:
Which is?
VADIUS:
Here is a copy of his sonnet, which Tristan says came from his soul …
TRISTAN:
Cease this vexatious annoyance! You have no right to barge in!
VADIUS:
… And here are several books, where you’ll see I’ve marked in the margin
To show you the passages he plundered and the phrases that he stole.
TRISTAN:
This is a slanderous libel, to announce this nonsense so z
ealously!
VADIUS:
When you have had a chance to peruse these, then I bid you all
To consider whether one word of the sonnet was in fact original.
AMANDA looks through the books at the pages marked. She is gradually disturbed by them. TRISTAN angrily snatches a book from her.
TRISTAN:
I cannot brook these haughty menaces!
PHILOMENA:
As I said, it’s professional jealousy.
You can see how this marriage, which I have decided upon
Is attacked by so many enemies, despite its obvious merit.
This ill feeling today is mischievous and I will not bear it.
I sniff my husband’s paw in this, and will speak with him anon.
Unpleasantness before a wedding is the last thing we need.
The greater is the envy, the more confident I am to defeat it;
The more triumphant the enemy feels, the more determined I am to beat it.
These books, Doctor Vadius, are very impressive indeed;
I want you to know I place great value upon your impartial advice;
I knew Tristan to be an excellent scholar, but not that he was that good;
He’s researched Catullus, Horace, Terrence, Virgil and Margaret Atwood.
You have convinced me to follow my instincts, and so, to be precise,
Tristan will marry my daughter, and he’ll do so this very night.
[To CLINTON] Despite your appalling conduct, you are a friend of the family,
And so I invite you to attend the wedding as part of the assembly;
Amanda, go and fetch the Attorney and inform your sister.
AMANDA:
Alright.
PHILOMENA:
And remind Juliet who rules the roost; I’m sure she will concur.
PHILOMENA goes.
AMANDA:
I don’t need to tell my sister; Clinton can tell her the news;
He’ll no doubt run to her room, and urge her to rebel and refuse;
Why should she hear it from me? Let Clinton attend to her.
SCENE FIVE
AMANDA, CLINTON.
AMANDA:
It pains me to say, Clinton, that things are not going your way.
CLINTON:
Well, I’m going to work very hard, Mandy, to relieve you of that pain.
AMANDA:
But I fear that all your efforts might ultimately be in vain.
CLINTON:
Perhaps you will see your fear is groundless if true love wins the day.
AMANDA:
I wish that it were so.
CLINTON:
Then I can rely on your support?
AMANDA:
I watched you just now with Tristan; I liked very much what I saw.
And then it occurred to me you could make a nice brother-in-law.
Yes, you have my full backing.
CLINTON:
Thank you, you’re a good sport.
SCENE SIX
CHRISTOPHER, VADIUS, JULIET, CLINTON.
CLINTON:
Without your help, Monsieur, I will be one unhappy man;
Your wife’s determined to crush me; because of some crazy whim,
Her heart is set on Tristan;
CHRISTOPHER:
That is a ridiculous plan!
She must be off with the pixies! What the hell does she see in him?
VADIUS:
He plundered some Roman poets, which somehow gives him the edge.
CLINTON:
She insists he marry Jules and that they do so right here tonight.
CHRISTOPHER:
As early as tonight?
CLINTON:
Yes, tonight!
CHRISTOPHER:
Well, here is my pledge:
I will counteract this little plan; it will be tonight alright,
But the couple getting married will be you two instead.
JULIET:
But she’s sent out for an Attorney to draw up the contract;
CHRISTOPHER:
I see;
Then I’ll make sure I get there first and try to get in ahead.
CLINTON:
Amanda’s had a kind of epiphany; she’s thawed and isn’t so icy.
Your wife told her to prepare Jules for Tristan, but she wouldn’t.
CHRISTOPHER:
She’s come to what’s left of her senses! She knows who is master here!
CLINTON:
When it came to the crunch, what she thought she’d do, she couldn’t.
CHRISTOPHER:
This will improve our chances and make our direction clear.
[To JULIET] Wait here till we return; I’ll put an end to this family feud.
Come, my dear Athénaïs, and you too, my son-in-law.
JULIET:
For heaven’s sake, keep my father in this buoyant and defiant mood!
VADIUS:
I am completely at your service.
JULIET:
Thank you!
VADIUS:
Well, what are friends for?
CLINTON:
[To JULIET] I can have all the help in the world, but most important is to have your love.
JULIET:
Nothing in the world is certain except the love I have for you.
CLINTON:
The only time I feel happy is when it’s you I’m thinking of.
JULIET:
I would never marry Tristan, but what if they force me to?
CLINTON:
No force on Earth is great enough to replace our love with fear.
JULIET:
I will do everything in my power to honour our sweet bond;
And if, despite all my efforts, we should lose the battle here,
Then I’ll retreat to some secluded place out in the world beyond,
For without your love, I lose the flame that makes me love my life.
CLINTON:
I hope the day never comes when you must prove your love that way!
JULIET:
Unless I can live with you alone, then I will be no man’s wife.
CLINTON:
May the justice of heaven see us together when night falls on this day.
END OF ACT FOUR
ACT FIVE
SCENE ONE
JULIET, TRISTAN.
JULIET:
About this marriage, on which it’s clear my mother’s mind is set,
And which I notice is causing so much trouble in the house,
I wanted to talk to you, Monsieur, if I may, tête-à-tête,
In the hope you’ll listen to reason. You see, if you’re my spouse,
The dowry you receive would increase your material worth.
Just do the maths; that kind of wealth means a lot to a mere mortal,
But is an insult to a philosopher like you because it’s so down-at-earth,
It follows that you would reject such riches with a dismissive chortle,
Because you must renounce them not only in words but in action.
TRISTAN:
Oh, absolutely; a tremendous income holds no charm for me,
It’s your radiant beauty and piercing eyes that give me satisfaction;
Your grace and your character, in such voluptuous degree,
Are the only treasures that inspire my tender love for you.
JULIET:
I am greatly indebted to you for the generous sentiments you state;
And for such a flattering admission, my humble thanks are due,
But I deeply regret, Monsieur, that I cannot reciprocate.
I respect you every bit as much as anyone could ever do,
But as for being able to love you, I have a pretty major hurdle:
A heart, as you would agree, cannot be shared by two;
Such love, like sour milk, is very soon bound to curdle,
And as Clint has won my heart, I reckon I’ll go with him,
Though
you’re much more classy, with a crockload of talent and learning;
I’m probably making a huge mistake since my judgment is pretty grim;
I admit, in the choice of a husband, I’m not really very discerning,
And the forces of reason will no doubt curse me for this act of blindness,
But there you go.
TRISTAN:
It seems to me that the gift of marrying you
Would deliver into my hands a heart of most excellent kindness
Which, though currently possessed by Clinton, will undergo a gradual coup
As with a thousand little charms, I will transfer that possession to me.
JULIET:
No you won’t; my soul is given to my First Love, as I explained,
And none of your magic charms can change what the future will be;
I have been very direct with you; my candour is unrestrained
And my frank confession should not surprise or offend you in any way.
You think you are more deserving, but love’s not a merit system;
It’s partly whimsy, partly instinct, or something nice that he’ll do or say.
If it were based on rational choice, common sense, experience or wisdom,
Then I would leap into your arms with wholehearted enthusiasm.
But it isn’t; so you’ll have to allow me to plunge into ardent folly.
How could you rush into marriage, as if driven by some violent spasm,
When the price of your bride’s obedience is a life of melancholy?
A man ought not take a wife forced on him by parental choice;
It should disgust him that the one he loves must sacrifice her entire life
Because of some high-handed decision, in which he has no voice.
How utterly emasculating, to have your mother-in-law choose your wife.
I am begging you, Monsieur: Do not rely on the rigor of her rights,
But go and find your own bride, which should not prove a difficult quest;
Blind Freddy can see that your heart is riddled with desirable delights.
TRISTAN:
In order for me to begin to comply with your audacious request,
You would have to change the laws of nature governing my soul;
At the very least, you would have to cease being so obviously adorable,
And desist from flaunting those electric eyes, which set off a cardio drum roll.
JULIET:
Oh, come off the grass! And cut the crap! This is totally deplorable!
You know lots of princesses you write to in your poetical dialogue!
You paint them as incredibly charming, and oozing with amorous ardour.
TRISTAN:
You speak as if life is a fairytale!
JULIET:
It is! So go kiss a frog.
TRISTAN:
In poetry it’s my mind that speaks; to satisfy the heart is harder.
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