Memoir in the Making: A May-December Romance

by Adrian J. Smith

  “Not all complications can be untangled.”

  “Not all of them have to be,” Ainsley insisted before she left the house, shutting the door behind her. She got into her car and drove a few blocks, making sure to turn down a road she knew where Meredith would never see her if she came after her.

  Pulling off her mittens, she gripped the frozen steering wheel and sobbed. Her heart ached and tears broke through the silence of the vehicle, echoing into the cold night sky. She was there as long as she could stand the weather. Stuffing her hands back into her mittens, she drove home in quiet.

  She slipped into the house and down the hall to her bedroom, discarding her winter wear as soon as she was inside and had the door shut. Falling onto her bed, Ainsley grabbed her pillow and held it to her chest, tears breaking through the facade she had managed for a few minutes. She let out a breath, wishing the pain and anguish to take over, do its thing, and then leave her alone. But she knew it wasn’t going to happen.

  Getting out of her bed, Ainsley went to the bathroom, threw cold water on her face and redressed in her winter jacket. She stuffed her backpack full of the books she would need along with her notebook and pens. She put it over her shoulder, went to the kitchen and grabbed something to eat.

  On her way out to her car, she looked at the wrapped banana bread in her hand and threw it into the dumpster, her appetite completely gone. She could only hope that she could make it through her study session and be able to focus on what she needed to in order to pass her exam the next morning. Licking her lips, she got in her car and drove up to the school, ready to put the fight behind her for a few hours. She would be able to wallow in it later.

  If Meredith had wanted to push her away even more, she had succeeded. Ainsley had no desire to see her, and no desire to continue their relationship if it was supposed to be a loveless one. Deep in the back of her mind, she knew Meredith wanted her love and returned it. She just couldn’t let herself do it easily. Sighing, Ainsley walked into the library, swiped her ID card and headed for the back study room where her classmates were.

  Maybe the Thanksgiving break would be good for both of them. They would each get some time apart to think through everything happening, and perhaps they could have a calmer discussion when Ainsley got back. She still had to tell her mom, though. It was something they had always shared, and while she might be able to hide it in a phone conversation, she wouldn’t be able to hide it in person. Pushing open the door to the study room, Ainsley left her thoughts of Meredith outside and sat down, ready to work.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Her house was eerily silent. Even the jazz on the radio couldn’t keep her company once night settled in. Meredith had made it through Thanksgiving Day, but once the sun had set, the loneliness had sunk in again. She hadn’t talked to Ainsley since Monday, hadn’t seen nor heard from her since their battle of wills.

  Meredith sighed and relaxed back on her couch, wishing for once she owned a television to give her the false feeling that there were people in the house. Instead, all she had to accompany her were the sweet sounds of jazz, and even that was getting on her nerves. Standing and going to her digital radio, Meredith changed the station to blues. It matched her mood much better.

  She’d eaten a small meal by herself and hadn’t even had enough for leftovers. Her mind turned to Ainsley and the meal she had probably shared with at least her mother and step-father. Licking her lips, she lay back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. She should be grading or writing instead of just lying around doing nothing, but her mood was so dark and dreary, she didn’t even think she could focus on that.

  Sam was gone. She didn’t even have him that holiday season. Jeremy’s family had invited him to their home, and even though Jeremy was gone, he’d decided to join them. Meredith had begged him to stay and then begged him to bring her with him.

  When her phone rang, she jerked up from the couch, sleep covering her eyes. She must have drifted off when she hadn’t been expecting it. Her phone shrilling rang through the house again, and Meredith got up, searching for it. She found it the third time. It was on the counter in her kitchen, and she’d barely been able to open it up and hit “accept” before the call went to voice mail.

  “Hello?” she said, groggily.

  “Hi.”

  Ainsley’s voice was quiet and warmed Meredith’s heart, even though she should still be angry with her. Meredith didn’t know what to say, her voice caught in her throat and the word she tried to pull out of it turned into a choke and then a cough.

  “You okay?” Ainsley asked.

  “Yeah. I’m fine,” Meredith said, looking out her window and her doorway. “Just sitting on my couch.”

  “Not even Sam?”

  “He’s with Jeremy’s family.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” Meredith answered, looking down at the book she’d left on the floor hours ago after giving up on reading it. “It’s not your fault.”

  “I could have stayed.”

  “You needed to see your family. You haven’t seen them in months.”

  “That’s true.” Meredith heard the smile in Ainsley’s voice. “We had a good dinner.”

  “I’m glad.”

  Nerves chipped away at Meredith’s stomach. She had no idea why Ainsley had called. It wasn’t like they were exactly on speaking terms, and every time Meredith had gone to call Ainsley, she had hung up not wanting to interrupt their special meal.

  “What are you doing?” Ainsley asked.

  Meredith looked around, trying to find something to say. Sleeping on her couch and dreaming of Ainsley didn’t seem like the best thing to confess, but her slow brain from sleep couldn’t come up with anything better, so that’s what she said.

  “You were dreaming of me?”

  “I was,” Meredith said with a sigh. “And it was a good dream too.”

  Ainsley giggled. “I’m sorry I interrupted it. Should I let you be so you can go back to dreaming?”

  “No. This is better.”

  Meredith blinked her eyes and then rubbed them, pulling the sleep from the corner of her eyes. She didn’t want to explain to Ainsley that just hearing her voice calmed her. She knew what it meant, but she didn’t like it. It meant she was in love, and Sam had been right all along. She was in love with her twenty-one year old student.

  “What’d you have for dinner?” Meredith asked, trying to change the subject.

  “This and that. The normal fixings. Lots of stuffing, lots of pie.”

  “And what are you doing now?”

  “Lying in bed, thinking of you. Mom and Nick already went to bed. They get up early in the mornings.”

  Nodding at nothing in particular, Meredith closed her eyes and listened only to Ainsley’s voice. She had wondered why Ainsley was thinking about her but didn’t want to voice the question. So many thoughts plagued her that she had a hard time keeping them all separate and knowing when to speak and what to say.

  Turning onto her side and pressing her face into the back cushion of the couch, Meredith said the only thing she could think of. “I’m sorry about Monday.”

  “Me too,” Ainsley said.

  “It wasn’t—I wasn’t in a good place.”

  “I’m just confused, I guess.”

  “Confused about what?” Meredith asked.

  “Where we stand.”

  Meredith’s breath stopped in her throat, and she had to force it into her lungs. She put the phone and speaker and closed her eyes, trying to figure out an answer she could give Ainsley that would work to patch things over for just then. They could figure out the rest later when school was done with.

  “I am too,” Meredith said. “I don’t know where we stand at all.”

  “You’re the one who didn’t want labels.”

  “I didn’t. And I regret that a bit.”

  Ainsley sighed into the phone, and Meredith knew she was tired.

  “Can we talk about someth
ing else?” Meredith asked. Her mood wasn’t a good one for having deep and serious discussions or for analyzing her emotions. She needed to do that when Ainsley wasn’t around. She needed to make some decisions, but to do that, she needed to have a clear mind and unaffected heart. She needed to have some time away from Ainsley, time more than two or three days.

  “Yeah. What do you want to talk about?”

  Meredith didn’t shrug although she wanted to. It wouldn’t do much good since Ainsley couldn’t see her. “I don’t know. I can’t think of anything. Umm…what are you doing the rest of your visit?”

  “I fly back tomorrow, actually. Cheap flight and I needed the time to study.”

  “Oh.” Disappointment rang through Meredith. She had wanted a few days by herself, but if Ainsley was coming back that soon, it was a possibility they would see each other again and soon.

  “Yeah. I’ll be really busy though.”

  “Oh. Okay,” Meredith said with a bit more hope. She needed to figure her own problems before dragging Ainsley into it all.

  “I told them,” Ainsley whispered.

  “Your mom?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And what did they have to say?”

  “I don’t know. They weren’t very happy. I guess…I don’t know, but I’m more confused now than ever.”

  Meredith mulled over Ainsley’s words for a few seconds before she answered. “Then take some time to think about it. I’ll see you next week. No need to rush into decisions.”

  “That’s it?”

  “That’s it,” Meredith confirmed. “I’ll see you next week at school.”

  Picking up her phone, Meredith ended the call. She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling, feeling more lost than she had before. She pulled herself up from the couch and locked her front door, turning off the radio and lights as she went. Meredith needed to relax.

  She went to her office and sat down at her computer, turning it on and opening up the document to her latest novel. She was going to lose herself in her writing and not think about Ainsley for as long as she could get away with it. Her characters came to life around her and her mind slipped into the world her characters lived in.

  #

  Anxiety had been churning in Meredith’s stomach the rest of the weekend. She hadn’t been able to get the conversation with Ainsley out of her head, and for each text message Ainsley had sent or phone call Ainsley had made to her, she ignored it. Sam had gotten back late Saturday night, and she was already dressed and ready to go over to his house early the next morning.

  Meredith finished applying her makeup and started her car, letting it warm up while she had her last sip of tea for the morning. Getting into her car, she drove over to his apartment, the pains of anxiety in her stomach getting worse with each block she drove. By the time she got to his apartment and pulled into the parking lot, her stomach pains were so bad she had to take a few minutes before she could walk up to his front door.

  Knocking, Meredith waited until he opened the door, his hair mussed from sleep and his eyes barely open. “We need to talk,” she said, brushing past him and starting the pot on the stove for tea.

  Sam mumbled an, “Okay,” before following her to the kitchen and sitting on a stool, his head on his arms and his arms on the counter as he waited. She turned on the coffee maker and tapped her foot impatiently while she waited for it to have enough for a cup.

  When she settled the hot mug in front of him, Sam pushed his head up from the counter and looked at her before taking a long sip. “If this is about Ainsley, I don’t want to hear it.”

  She stopped short. Her own mug was millimeters away from her lips, and she halted, glaring at him. Why would he even say something like that? Meredith set her mug down and leaned against the counter, her hands holding her up as she turned her head to try and read him. But she couldn’t. The only thing she could read was that he was sleepy and annoyed.

  “I waited until eight,” she said.

  “On a Sunday. Rule is ten on Sundays.”

  “I haven’t seen you all weekend.”

  Sam raised his gaze and narrowed his eyes at her. “You know why you haven’t seen me all weekend.”

  “Yes, I do, but that doesn’t mean I was okay with it.”

  “You’re lonely, and that makes me sad for you.”

  Sam took another long pull from his cup, and Meredith’s jaw dropped. He had never been this painfully ornery with her. She tightened her grip on the edge of the counter, staring at him dumbfounded he had even said that. Swallowing, she relaxed back and looked around the kitchen for something to do, anything.

  “I can’t believe you said that,” she said, finally getting the nerve to say something back. “This week has been horrible. This semester has been hell. All you can do is say you pity me?”

  Sam put his cup down then and focused on her, his gaze locking with hers as if he was about to explain something that would take her a long time to understand. Meredith took in a deep breath. “Why are you even here? You don’t listen to me anyway.”

  “I listen.”

  “Oh? Yeah? What was the first thing I told you to do about Ainsley?”

  Meredith locked her lips together. He had told her to stay away, to avoid her, to not go near her. She had tried to listen and follow his instructions—she really had. But that had been near impossible when she’d tried, and then she had just given up.

  “Exactly,” Sam said and went back to drinking his coffee.

  She was once again stunned into silence. She swallowed and stayed awkwardly on the opposite side of the counter, the sink right in front of her. She felt outnumbered, outgunned and told off. He was supposed to be helping her and giving her advice, not putting her in her place, which was exactly what he had done.

  “I couldn’t.”

  “Which should tell you something right there.”

  “You’re mean in the mornings,” she said, needing to give him a shot back, say something about how he was treating her.

  “You woke me up at eight in the morning on a Sunday, a Sunday where I just got back from Thanksgiving with Jeremy’s family—which was awkward, weird, exhausting, and very sad. A weekend where I barely got in before three in the morning last night from the drive. So yes…I’m mean this morning, and I think I deserve to be mean this morning. Not only that,” he added. “But you need to figure out this problem and where you stand, and only you can do that. I can’t do it for you.”

  “She said she loves me,” Meredith whispered.

  Sam’s gaze moved up to hers, and his look softened. Meredith finally found the sympathy she was looking for. Letting out a breath, her shoulders fell and her stomach pain eased up.

  “She said she loves me.”

  “And did you say it back?”

  “I don’t—I—I couldn’t,” she whispered.

  Silence permeated her heart, and everything came crashing down on Meredith. She knew where she had gone wrong. Knew exactly what she had to do to make up for it all. Taking a deep breath, she walked around the counter and wrapped her arms around Sam’s shoulders, kissing his cheek quickly before heading to her car and driving home.

  He probably went straight back to bed, but that wasn’t her concern. She got home, let herself in and sat down at her computer, typing the letter she should have typed months ago. She opened up a new document on the computer and started the letter the only way she could have.

  I must resign my position as professor of creative writing. My last day will be December fifteenth. I appreciate the opportunity I have had to grow here.

  She finished it off with a short explanation and with her name before printing three copies: one for her records, one for the dean of humanities, and one for Ainsley. Meredith let out a breath and sealed each envelope and wrote the names respectively on it. If she didn’t do it, she would no doubt be fired—but that wasn't her only reasoning behind writing her resignation.

  Ainsley had told her mom and step-dad abo
ut them, presumably letting them know close to everything that had been going on. Meredith took a deep breath. Her mom and step-dad would no doubt do what every good parent would do in the situation. They would call the school and start an inquiry with the school board.

  The paper in her hand hurt, but it was the right decision to make. She had wavered on the edge of making her last day too far away and needing to jump in headfirst. She would finish out the semester, hopefully without problem, and then start her full-time writing career in December like she had been planning for years. Years ago when she’d dreamed it would be a reality and then the intervening years that had told her it would never happen.

  Meredith sighed and opened up a new document, planning out the next spring and summer. She would need to reduce her finances to a minimum while she waited for her royalties to pick up from her increased output. She was pulling enough each month to pay her mortgage, but that was it. Her savings would help her for two years, and if she didn’t increase her royalties by then, she would need to search for a new and real-paying job then.

  Planning out the rest of her life, Meredith sat at her computer for hours. When she leaned back in her chair and stared at all her hard work, she shook her head. She had never imagined she would be starting a new full-time career this late into life, that she would be making such a huge life change because of one person. But the more she worked on it, the more it felt right. She just had to keep Ainsley at bay until the end of the semester so she could finish it out with dignity. That meant two weeks: dead week and finals week. That was all Meredith had to get through in order to have her plan work.

  Tomorrow morning, she would march down to the dean’s office and plant her resignation on his desk and walk away from the last fifteen years of her life. Rubbing her eyes with her forefinger and thumb, Meredith took a deep steadying breath. Even if she and Ainsley didn’t stay together, this was the right decision. It was time to do what she’d always wanted to do. It was time to be the writer she’d always wanted to be. It was time to stop pretending who she was.