“How do you run so long, Becka?”
“Takes practice,” I said through breaths.
Just then, a car pulled onto the street and a window rolled down.
“Keep it moving, 3B!” A stupid jock popped his head out of the window and hollered. Like a reflex, I flipped up my middle finger and held it toward the car, trying to stand up for myself and keep my strides at the same time.
“Why did he say that?” Rhylie asked, looking strangely at the car as it kept going.
“Those boys used to make fun of me because I used to be a lot bigger.”
“That’s not nice,” she sounded emotional. “Is that why you run so much? To run away from the boys?” I couldn’t help but smile.
“No, I run to keep my body healthy, so I don’t get so big again.”
“Oh, my teacher said being healthy is important,” she chimed in, using that brain again.
“She’s right.” I could see the house in my view. “Let’s go as fast as we can, okay?” A big grin hit her face and she nodded yes, causing her helmet to shake. Rhylie took off pedaling as fast as she could. I let her get a little bit ahead of me before I started sprinting, trying to finish strong, regardless of what assholes in cars had to say.
Sitting down for dinner was calming in my house. It was always Mom, Rhylie, my brother Ryan, and myself, the four of us talking about our days, laughing, and relaxing together. Ryan was a sophomore in college, going to classes during the day. Thankfully, his school was close enough for him to live at home.
“How was your run?” Mom asked as we began dinner.
“Good, the weather was perfect.”
“We saw a mean boy,” Rhylie spoke up. I knew she would.
“You did?” Mom asked her. “Where?”
“He was in a car. He yelled at us,” she continued. “He was making fun of Becka for being big. Even though she’s not big anymore. Now she’s healthy.”
Mom nodded at Rhylie with a smile. “Yes, she is very healthy.” Mom waited for Rhylie to go back to eating before looking over at me. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I waved it off. “Same ole, same ole.”
“How can anybody still make fun of you?” Ryan asked. “You look like a completely different person.” He rolled his eyes in annoyance, stabbing at his chicken breast.
“I will always be 3B.” I hated the name and I hated the feeling of still being back there. I just wanted everyone to see the new me I was trying so hard to be, not 3B: Big Belly Becka.
I laid in bed scrolling through my social media. I was curious about Aiden’s profile and his pictures. I thought you could tell a lot about a person by what they posted. I found his page easily. He had a lot of followers and a public account. Most of his pictures were him throwing a football, a lot of him shirtless, and if I scrolled further, I could see some with different girls in bikinis. It looked like a typical jock’s page. I wasn’t surprised. It was exactly what I thought it would be.
I was falling in and out of consciousness when my phone buzzed.
UNKNOWN: Hey cutie, its Aiden :)
A smile hit my face. He had texted.
Me: Hey :)
Aiden: What are you up to?
Me: Lying in bed. What about you?
Aiden: I was playing a video game, but now I’m thinking about you in bed ;)
It was bold of him to say, but I couldn’t help it; I was flattered. I wasn’t completely new to guys. I’d had a couple of boyfriends, had my share of make-out sessions. But Ashleigh was right about one thing, it had been a while since I’d had a boyfriend, and part of me missed it.
Me: LOL. It’s nothing special…
Aiden: I’ll be the judge of that ;)
Still going far, but I was still flattered. It was not every day, or any day really, that I was in bed texting a boy, let alone a football player.
Me: Stop lol how was practice?
Aiden: Great! Coach says I’m getting better. Just practicing for our next game. You gonna come watch me play?
Me: It’s a possibility :)
Aiden: Gonna make me beg? ;)
I couldn’t stop smiling, he was being so flirty, and it was great. Our conversation had no substance, but I was actually smiling. I felt refreshed.
Me: LOL When’s your next game?
Aiden: Friday, before the party
Me: I’ll try to make it…
Aiden: Try?! You better be there. I better see you looking fine a hell in those bleachers. Which isn’t very hard for you ;)
Me: You are too much :)
Aiden: But I’m not wrong :)
I put my phone down just to sit and take it all in. A football player who was nice to me? Was this real? The guys on the team were the top of the food chain, which is why I was made fun of by most of them. This felt like a dream.
Aiden: So will you come cheer for me?
Me: I’ll see what I can do :)
Aiden: For me?
Me: Yes :)
Aiden: That’s how I like it. ;)
I shook my head with a smile. This guy was too much.
Me: You’re crazy lol
Aiden: You like it?
Me: Maybe…
Aiden: Hope so :) I’m gonna finish some homework. Cool if we talk later?
Me: Yeah, I’m probably going to head to bed anyway. Good luck with your homework.
Aiden: I don’t know how I’m gonna concentrate with the thought of you in bed going through my mind but I’ll try
Me: LOL you better stop :) Bye Aiden
Aiden: Goodnight cutie ;)
I didn’t know how I was going to fall asleep with the thought of Aiden going through my head. He was flirting with me in a way that I hadn’t experienced yet. Sure, he was confident with his comments, not leaving anything up to mystery, but it seemed like he was really interested, and I couldn’t ignore that. It felt nice to be wanted, I just hoped it was real, and that it lasted.
Two
I set my alarm earlier than normal, wanting extra time to look pretty, all because of Aiden. I typically straightened my hair daily. My natural hair was dark brown and wavy curls like my mom’s, but my friendship with Ashleigh disguised it as dirty blonde and pin straight. My natural beach waves were essentially “against the rules”.
I straightened my hair and decided on a blue and gray striped dress with sandals. Ashleigh was bound to give me shit because of the stripes, but I chose to ignore it; this dress was my favorite.
“Morning, Mom.”
“Hey, sweetie.” She turned around from the coffee pot and eyed me. “Wow. You look pretty! But you do realize you are just going to school, right?”
I laughed. “Yes, I am aware. Just felt like dressing up today.”
“For anyone special?” She folded her arms over her chest with a look like she already knew what I was up to.
“I want to look nice when he sees me, so what? Wanting someone to see you look good isn’t a bad thing.”
“No, it’s not. But putting on a whole new face so someone doesn’t see the real, natural you is not always the best idea.” I knew she was hinting toward my hair.
“Mom, guys don’t like curly hair. They like straight hair. So, if that is what I have to do, then okay.”
She put her hands up in defense. “All I’m saying is how do you expect a guy to like the real you if he hasn’t seen it?” I didn’t know how to answer, so I didn’t. She handed me my coffee and retreated. “Just food for thought.”
I thought about what my mom said on my drive to school. I knew she was right. At some point, someone would have to see the real me and not the robot Ashleigh had created. But I wasn’t completely a clone of her. Sure, I followed the tricks she taught me and wore the things she thought best for me, but I was still me.
When I arrived at school, Ashleigh and Madison were perched against our lockers, most likely talking about people as they walked by.
“Hey, guys.”
“Hey, Becka,” Madison greeted m
e. “You look so pretty!”
“Stripes?” Ashleigh asked, of course with a tone. “I thought we talked about stripes.”
I rolled my eyes. “Come on, Ashleigh. Is this dress not super cute?”
She gave me a pity smile. “It is, but you know how stripes make you look.” She puffed out her cheeks, already making fun of me.
“Oh stop,” Madison elbowed her. “You know she looks pretty.”
She shrugged like she didn’t care, sipping her coffee. “I’m just saying.”
I hated the way she never let me have anything. She never let me have my moment of confidence. Moments didn’t belong to me; they were Ashleigh’s or nothing.
Our first period was free, so we normally hung out in the commons with everyone else. Our routine was to sit on the steps and talk. It was boring in my opinion. Ashleigh just wanted to talk bad about people, which I got tired of quickly, but it was our routine.
“How long do you think it’s been since that girl has washed her hair?” Ashleigh nodded toward a girl walking through the doors. She had chocolate brown hair twisted into impressive dreadlocks.
“Isn’t that the point of dreads? So you don’t have to wash your hair?” Madison spoke up. I was rolling my eyes on the inside.
Ashleigh just shrugged. “I don’t know, but I bet there are bugs in her scalp.” The two of them snickered. I gave a smile to give off the appearance that I agreed, but inside I was far from it. I thought the girl with the dreads had the coolest style. She did what she wanted and didn’t care what people thought of her, especially people like Ashleigh.
I heard my phone go off in my purse. I assumed it was my mom telling me to have a good day.
Aiden: How high up does that dress go? ;)
I shot my head up with a smile and looked around, eventually locking eyes with my wide receiver. He shot a wink and a smile my way, making me melt.
Me: Well good morning to you too :)
Aiden: Seeing you in that dress, it is a good morning ;)
I looked back up at him with a smile, shaking my head at his flirtation, He smiled back at me before going back to his group of friends.
“What are you so smiley about?” Ashleigh asked, trying to steal my moment.
I shook my head. “Nothing.” I wasn’t ready to give it up, so I just sipped my coffee.
I hadn’t seen Aiden all day. His face didn’t hit my view until lunch. Our table quickly went from us three girls to what felt like the whole offensive line. At first, I wanted to complain, mostly because ‘Hey, 3B’ was my greeting. But when Aiden scooted next to me, I tried to find the bright side.
“Hey, you.”
“What’s up?” he said, shoving French fries in his mouth. He held the container for his fries in my direction, offering me some. I shook my head aggressively.
“No thanks, I’m good.” It had been a long time since I had eaten a fry, I wasn’t about to start now.
“You probably shouldn’t offer her fries, she’s had enough for all of us, right 3B?” Derrick chimed in, winking at me with a sadistic smile.
I rolled my eyes. “Screw you.”
“Woah!” Derrick yelled. “Getting hostile, are we?”
“Derrick!” Now it was Ashleigh’s turn. “Lay off.” Her eyes turned into her famous slits and shut him up. He still laughed at himself, but at least he was done. For that one second, I was grateful for her.
“What was that about?” Aiden whispered in my ear.
I shook my head, not ready to drop the fat bomb on him. “Not worth talking about.”
He shrugged and went back to his food. “Whatever.”
I didn’t talk about Fat-Becka days. Ashleigh refused to let me forget it, but I didn’t openly talk about it with anyone. It was a time in my life I wished had never happened, and I feared that if I decided to tell someone, they would leave. Which it’s not like I could blame them for it. 3B was and still is a lot to handle.
“I’ll be right back.” I got up from the table and headed for the bathroom. I needed a second to breathe and I needed to do it by myself.
I washed my hands in the sink about four times over, just trying to kill time and catch up on my breathing. The warm water was slowly slipping away but I didn’t care, I just needed a minute alone.
When everyone around you knows your breaking point and uses it against you, it’s exhausting. It feels like no one is on your side and you must fight alone. And someone can only fight alone for so long.
“I think your hands are clean, dude.”
Two sinks over was the girl with the dreadlocks.
“What?” I asked, unsure of what just happened.
“You’ve used like ten pumps of soap. Unless you’re a germaphobe, I’d say your hands are clean.” She chuckled. “You’re not a germaphobe, are you?”
“No,” I stuttered.
“Good,” she reached for her soap. “Then I think you got it all.”
I looked down at my hands and laughed. “Yea, I guess so.”
“Are you alright?” she asked. She looked sincere in her question, which I was grateful for.
“Yea, I’m good. Thanks.” I rinsed off what was left of the soap and dried my hands.
“I’ll see you around.” She looked at me with curiosity, and I guess I did the same to her.
“Yea, I’ll see you.” I didn’t know her, but for some reason, I felt better.
That night, after my run, homework, and dinner, I sat in the living room reading. My phone hadn’t gone off that night, Aiden was yet to be heard of. I didn’t expect him to sit up and text me all night, but I don’t think I expected not to hear anything.
“What’s wrong, Becka?” Ryan came up from his room and popped on the couch with me.
I shook my head. “Nothing, why?”
“You just look down, I guess.” He grabbed the remote and was messing with the TV. “Mom said you were going out with some guy. Who is he?”
“His name is Aiden. He’s on the football team.”
“Really?”
“I know, I was surprised too.”
“I’m sure the rest of the team has told him that bullshit nickname they gave you.”
“He’s heard the name, but I haven’t told him what it means.” I was frustrated. “I hate that name. And I hate them for keeping it going. I mean come on! I lost all the weight, I don’t eat anything bad for me, I don’t look anything like I used to. Why don’t they just move on?”
“Because they know it bothers you. They know that you used to cry whenever anyone called you that. They are assholes. That’s why I’m surprised you are going out with one.”
“I feel like he’s different,” I admitted. “He’s sweet, and he hasn’t seen me like that before, so hopefully it won’t bother him.”
“This doesn’t sound like a good idea, Becka,” he cautioned me.
“Why not?”
“We know how those guys are. I just don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“Me either, Ryan.” He was starting to make me nervous.
He reached over and put his arm around my shoulders. “Look, just call me if you need me to come get you. No matter what time it is. Alright?”
I nodded. “I will.”
“Just be careful. We both know how football players can be.”
“Thanks, Ryan.” I leaned into him and hugged him tightly. “I’m headed to bed. Night.”
“Night.”
My head hit the pillow and I was seconds from falling out when a buzzing woke me up.
Aiden: I’m about to pass out, but I have the image of your legs going through my head ;)
That was what I needed.
Me: At least I’m on your mind :)
Aiden: With a body like that, how could you not be?
Me: You are too much lol
Aiden: You can make it up to me on Friday ;) Night Becka
Me: Goodnight Aiden :)
After school on Thursday, Ashleigh came home with me to help me pick out my
party outfit. Secretly, I was dreading this encounter. Usually, this went one way: I pick out what I think I should wear, Ashleigh tells me why I would look terrible in it and then gives me her perfect opinion that I need to follow no matter what. Hence the dread.
“Hey, Mom!” I shouted as we came through the door, trying to give her a warning. “We are here!”
“Who is we?” I heard her sing from the kitchen. She popped around the corner and her face changed into her normal reaction when she sees Ashleigh, hidden disgust.
“Hi, Ashleigh. How are you?” She always asked, even though I knew she didn’t care.
“Good, how are you?” Ashleigh didn’t even look at my mom when she spoke, she was too busy texting.
“I’m great.” My mom changed her tone and rolled her eyes, walking back to the kitchen. “Holler if you need me, Becka.”
We made it to my room and Ashleigh crashed on my bed, more consumed with her phone than with me.
“What do you think I should wear?” I asked while looking through my closet. I knew there was no point in looking, Ashleigh already knew what she was going to pick out. But she seemed too busy to help me. “Ashleigh?” I asked again. More ignoring. I looked over at her and she was still texting with a creepy smile on her face. “Were you planning on helping me or what?”
“Will you shut up? I’m sexting Austin.”
“So gross.” The last thing I wanted to think about was her and her boyfriend sexting on my bed.
Ashleigh rolled her eyes. “You ought to try it some time. It will probably loosen you up. Might even get you ready for Aiden.” She looked back at me with a smirk.
“I’m good, thanks.” I kept looking at my clothes, trying my very best to ignore her.
“Come on, Becka! Have you even thought about it?” One thing about Ashleigh is that when it came to sex, she was like a dog with a bone. She couldn’t get enough of it, and it got old.
I Go Where You Go Page 2