“Wait,” I said out of breath. “Just wait.”
“Sorry,” he said through hoarse breath. “Do you need a minute?” He opened the glove box and pulled out a condom. “Because I’m ready when you are.”
I was in shock. What just happened? Was he serious? Aiden leaned back into me and started kissing my neck.
“Aiden, wait.” I pushed him away again, harder this time, trying to create space.
“What’s up?” he asked, still holding the condom in his hand.
“I can’t do this.” I could feel the sweat already gathering in my palms.
“What do you mean?” He looked down at the condom. “You mean have sex?” I nodded my head. He looked confused. “What?”
“I’m sorry.”
He chuckled. “You’re serious?” He laughed again. “You’re a virgin, right? Cause’ that’s okay, I’m cool being your first.” He smiled. I didn’t.
“No, Aiden,” I sighed heavily, trying to get him to understand. “We are not going to have sex.”
He looked confused. “Are you on your period or something?” My jaw dropped. I was too shocked to even form a coherent word. “Is that why you won’t sleep with me? Cause’ I can wait a couple days.” He reached over to touch my leg again, but I had had enough. I pushed at his chest until he fell back into his seat.
“Aiden, you don’t get it.” I ran my hands over my face and tried to breathe. “We are not having sex. I’m sorry if you thought something was going to happen, but no.”
He stared at me, unsure if I was serious. “For real? You’re turning me down?”
“I guess I am.”
“Wow.” He shook his head. “And of all people, 3B.”
“Excuse me?” I couldn’t have heard him right. He didn’t just call me the name.
He kept shaking his head. “Fat girls have no confidence, still fat or once fat, no difference. I thought I could land you easy. Now I’m gonna lose!” He slammed his hand on the steering wheel. “And I did everything she fucking said!”
I tried to push past the fat insults. His words were coming out so quick, I didn’t have time to process. “Lose what?”
He took out his phone and texted while he answered me like his words weren’t going to affect me at all. “Derrick said you were too much of a prude to have sex with me, so I bet him a hundred bucks I could take your v-card. Ashleigh said she’d help me convince you. I did everything she told me to do, all the bullshit compliments, the texts, the dates. I’ve got you here and you still won’t give it up? Un-fucking-believable.”
My heart was beating so loud in my ears I thought he could hear it too. Tears started streaming down my face. But he didn’t notice. He was so involved in his phone he probably wouldn’t have noticed if I started sobbing.
“So that’s all this was?” I tried to speak but it came out a hoarse whisper. “Everything from the last two weeks, it was all for the money?”
He still didn’t turn to me, but I got a shoulder shrug. “You’re not bad for a former-fatty, just not my type.”
The tears were still flowing, but I was silent. It took everything I had not to break down in his car. My chest was caving in on me, it was what I imagined suffocation to feel like.
I hiked my purse across my body as I threw the door open and jumped out of the car like it was burning to the ground. I ran through the park’s entrance to a large maple tree, feeling its rough bark against my hands to catch my breath and my balance. My body was revolting against me. I dropped down onto the damp grass and hurled viciously. Everything from dinner came up so violently, I saw stars.
“Becka, what are you doing?” I heard Aiden approach me. “Get back in the car.”
“Get away from me.” My voice was weak, but I knew he heard me.
“Come on, don’t be so dramatic.” He put his hand on my shoulder and tried to turn me around.
“Don’t touch me!” I screamed and tried to get away from his reach. “Stay the hell away from me!”
He held his hands up and walked away. “Whatever.” The door to his cheap car slammed shut and his engine roared on down the road, leaving me in the dark.
Air was rejecting me; I couldn’t find any. I felt like I was going to die.
The sky always made me feel better when I couldn’t breathe, but even in that moment, it was hard to focus on the stars. I jammed my fist inside my purse and dug for my phone. I knew I needed help.
“Becka?”
“Ryan.” I could barely get it out.
“What’s going on?” I could hear his panic. “What’s wrong?”
“Can you come get me, please?” The crying had caused the hiccups to start, not helping the not breathing thing.
“What happened? Are you okay?”
“Can you come get me, please? I’m at Hamilton park. Please.”
“I’m on my way! I’ll be right there!”
“Okay.” I hung up the phone and laid on the grass, staring at the stars and waiting to be saved.
Ryan picked me up and I was a mess. I had managed to stop crying, but after I saw his face, the tears came right back. He hugged me so tightly when he found me, I knew he was scared, and I couldn’t blame him. But I didn’t know what to say. He kept asking me if I was okay, I nodded, but I couldn’t find words. Words would mean explaining, and I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for anything.
I dragged my feet up the stairs once we got home, but I could feel Ryan’s eyes burning a hole in my back.
“Becka?” I stopped, still not speaking. “Did he do something to you?” I knew he was thinking the worst. “Did he hurt you?”
I shook my head. “No. Not the way you’re thinking. I just want to go to bed.” And that is exactly what I did.
Morning came too quickly. I put my blanket over my head and closed my eyes, not ready or wanting to accept my reality. But my breath was getting heavy and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears for much longer. So, I cried.
It was the lowest I had ever felt in my life. I had been told for years that I wasn’t good enough. And for a short moment, I finally felt like I could be. And it just hit me in the face all over again. I wasn’t good enough to be taken out on a date or to even text. I was used. I was nothing. No one wanted me.
A knock on the door interrupted my sobs, catching me off guard. I hoped they would go away, but I knew my luck wasn’t that great. I took the blanket off my head and found my mom closing the door behind her. I didn’t mind telling her what happened, I just didn’t want to say it aloud or have her hear about what a joke her daughter was. I put the blanket back over my head, preparing to drop the emotional bomb on her.
“Becka,” she whispered and rubbed my back through the blanket.
“I’m awake.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes.” Did she expect me to answer her honestly right away?
“Becka.” She took the top of the blanket in her hands and found my tear-streaked face. “Oh, sweetie.”
The tears came back. I covered my face in my hands and bawled like a baby. The flood gates had been opened.
“Becka, what happened? You’re scaring me.”
I sat up in my bed, trying to get air into my lungs. I knew I needed to tell her what was going on, but I needed air just the same. I took one final breath and I let it out. I told her everything. And then I put my head on her shoulder and I cried some more. And my mom, being so wonderful, held me in her arms and let me.
“Why would he do that, Mom?”
“I don’t know, honey,” she sniffled herself. “I don’t know, and I’m so sorry.”
“Why do they keep doing this to me?”
“I don’t know that either. And if I ever see that son of a bitch, I’m going to kick his ass.” She kissed the top of my head. “I promise you.”
I hugged her back as hard as I could. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom.
“Why are you crying?”
I looked over at the doorway and Rh
ylie was standing in her pajamas. I wiped my tears as best I could. I wanted her to see me as strong, not weak.
“Come here, Bug,” I called her over and pulled her up on the bed, wrapping my arms around her. “People suck sometimes, and they might do things that suck and things that might hurt you, but don’t let it get you down, okay? Don’t ever let anyone tear you down. You get back up and you try again, okay?”
“Okay, Becka.” She leaned in and hugged me too. “Just stop crying.”
“Okay,” I smiled, loving my little sister for all that she was. “Can you go downstairs and let me talk to Mom? I’ll be there in a minute.” She squeezed me one more time before skipping out of the room.
“Why did you say that to her when you can’t do it yourself?”
“Because I want her to be stronger than me. I don’t want her to be like me,” I whispered, telling her the truth. “I want my sister to make better choices than me.”
“It’s not too late, you know. You can still be you, a better you.” She spoke so nicely while rubbing my back.
I started crying again. “After last night, I don’t know if I even want to be me anymore.”
“Oh, Becka.” Mom wrapped her arms around me and hugged me again. “This is not over. This is not the end of you. This is the beginning. You can take what happened last night and let it define you, or let it change you for the better. It is your choice. And whatever choice you make,” she pointed at the door, “is going to reflect on that little girl down there. Because she wants to be just like her big sister. So, are you going to give up and never try to be you because a few assholes who are doing nothing with their lives say so?” Tears were slowly going down her cheeks. I reached up to wipe them, but she kept going. “Or are you going to be the woman I raised you to be and show Rhylie how to be too?”
I put my face in my hands, crying again. I couldn’t mess this up. As much as right that moment I wanted to give up, I couldn’t do that to Mom. And I definitely couldn’t do that to Rhylie. I had people counting on me.
“I’ll be the girl you raised me to be,” I told her. “I just need a minute to get there.”
She nodded. “That’s fine. You can take a minute and be sad, but don’t unpack and live there.” Mom leaned in and kissed my cheek. “You are beautiful, smart, funny, courageous and inspiring. Don’t ever let anyone tell you differently.” She got up from the bed and left the room, leaving me with my thoughts.
I knew what she was trying to do, and I knew what I had to do, but how the hell was I supposed to do it? How was I supposed to forget that less than ten hours ago I was decreased to nothing? Tears were welling up again, and I let them fall. I needed to get everything out if I was going to heal, and if I wanted to be there for Rhylie.
I stayed in my room for a while, sitting in my window seat with a cup of coffee, watching the rain trail down the glass. I knew my family would be there for me, but I just needed time, especially time to process. Going through everything that I just went through, my mind felt like mush and I needed to take my time.
I went through my social media and unfollowed anyone from the football team, Madison, Aiden, Austin, and Ashleigh. I blocked them from my account as well. I needed to strip them from my life immediately. It was for the best.
After a while, I ended up downstairs on the couch, curled up in a blanket with my journal and more coffee. The house was quiet, almost serene. Mom was in her studio, Ryan out with friends, and Rhylie in her room playing. After the night I had, this was the perfect Sunday.
The doorbell rang and caught my attention. I was far from ready to socialize with anyone. I got up from the couch and peeked through the side window. Ashleigh’s car was in the driveway. Perfect. I slowly made my way to the front door, trying to slow my heartbeat down. This was the last thing I wanted to deal with, but it looked like I didn’t have a choice. I had to open the door and face my demons.
“Holy shit, you messed this up good.” Ashleigh stormed through the door and entered my living room, throwing her purse on the couch and her hands on her hips. “What the hell happened last night?”
I closed my eyes and exhaled. “Ashleigh, get out.”
She looked confused. “What?”
I kept the door open. “Get the fuck out.”
Her eyebrows flew up in shock. “Why?”
“Because I know what you did.” I wasn’t yelling. I was trying to stay as confident as possible. “I know you helped Aiden with the bet.”
She looked surprised that I knew but immediately covered it up with an eye roll. “Whatever, you’ll get over it.”
“Ashleigh! You helped a guy win a bet to have sex with me, that is so fucked up!”
“I did it for you!”
My blood was pumping through my veins at a mile a minute. I wanted to scream, and I wanted to hit her, but I tried to remain calm.
“I told you to leave it alone. I begged you to leave it alone.”
“We both know you need me to get a date, and if you ever want to have sex, it will be because of me. You got Aiden because of me.”
“I got Aiden because of a bet, not because you did something special.”
She flipped her hair over her shoulder and grabbed her purse off the couch. “Whatever, you’ll get over it. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
I vigorously shook my head. “No, we won’t. I don’t want to speak to you ever again.”
“Get over yourself, Becka. It is not that serious.”
“Maybe for you it isn’t, but I can’t forgive you for this.”
Ashleigh’s face scrunched up and her eyes got beady. “You can’t forgive me?” A coughing noise mixed with a laugh came from her throat. “What are you talking about forgiveness? You should be thanking me! I got you those dates! I got you Aiden!”
“And now I’m done with Aiden and I’m done with you.” I held the doorknob in my hand to hold my balance. “Get out.”
She pulled her purse over her shoulder and scoffed her way out. The strong smell of flowers followed her trail. I slammed the door behind her and was finally able to catch my breath.
I fell to the floor and put my head between my knees. I said what I finally needed to say, and I survived. I didn’t die, my life didn’t end, I made it.
“Well, that went well.”
I lifted my head and found my mom standing in the kitchen with a smile.
“I can’t believe I just did that,” I whispered. “I can’t believe it’s over.”
She came over to me and wrapped me in a hug. “Oh sweetie, it might be over with her, but this is just the beginning.”
Five
I sat in the parking lot with the steering wheel tight in my grasp, watching a medley of guys and girls cross the lot and go into the school. I wanted so badly to just get out of the car and go with them, but it wasn’t that easy.
I took this day as day one of my new life. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself, but I knew what I wasn’t going to do, and that was dress uncomfortably. I put on a pair of skinny jeans, a white V-neck shirt, and black motorcycle boots. I straightened my hair again and left it down, not knowing what else to do with it. I felt better, wearing something that I approved of, but I was still so nervous. I didn’t know how to walk into a building knowing I had no one on my side.
I stayed in the car past first period. I knew if I had gone in, I would be under attack. Second period would be safe, I could go to class and avoid everyone. Safe plan.
Unsafe plan. Totally unsafe plan.
As soon as I walked inside, people started laughing at me. Laughter seemed to follow me wherever I went. I acted like I didn’t hear anything at first, trying my best to keep my head above water, but it didn’t last long. When I made it to my classes, stares and whispers took the place of the laughter. How could everybody know?
The bell for lunch rang and my stomach dropped. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I had sat in the same seat every day with the same people for so long, I had no idea where I was sup
posed to sit. My chest was going to explode with pressure.
I stood at the entrance of the cafeteria unable to breathe. I saw all the guys from the team in their usual spot with Ashleigh and Madison, and I froze. There was no way I could go in there. I turned on my heels too quickly without paying attention and slammed directly into someone.
“What’s up, 3B?” Derrick wrapped his arm around my shoulders, breathing on my face. I wiggled my way out of his grasp as fast as I could.
“Go away, Derrick.”
He smiled his stupid smile back at me. “You want to go out sometime?” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. “I won a bet the other night, so I’ve got some money.”
He couldn’t even get through his line without laughing. He turned away from me and matched his laughter with the rest of the football team. Everybody saw. I could feel bile rising in my throat. I needed to get out of there, or I was going to hurl. I bolted and ended up in the farthest stall in the bathroom. I slammed the door shut and slid my way down to the floor. I lost it. I buried my head in my hands and I cried. I couldn’t believe that these people were doing this to me. I just wanted it all to go away, but it seemed like this was going to stay with me forever.
I hadn’t even noticed that I wasn’t alone anymore. I heard a light tapping on my stall door. It interrupted my sobbing.
“Hey, are you okay in there?” A female voice asked through the door. I sniffled before I could answer.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I tried not to sniffle again.
“Are you sure? You sound pretty upset.” She sounded nice and concerned for a stranger. But it was a stranger, unsafe to breakdown in front of.
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Whoever he is, he’s not worth it,” she said. “That is just in the assumption that this is over a guy. If you are a lesbian than I apologize for assuming and then she isn’t worth it.”
This made me laugh, like a real laugh. “Not a lesbian.”
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