I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

I drove rather quickly, probably quicker than I should’ve in the weather, but I just wanted to see his face and feel comfortable again.

  I got to the park and he was already there, sitting in his driver’s seat and playing on his phone. He was still wearing his button-up from work with his name on it, which I loved. I always thought he looked hot as a mechanic, but all I wanted in that moment was a hug. His eyes met mine and I burst into tears. There was no controlling it. I had officially lost it. Matt ran over to my door and opened it quickly.

  “What’s wrong, Becks?” He was panicking, I could hear it in his voice.

  “Everything is just so messed up.” I wasn’t sure if he understood what I said, but I think he got most of it.

  “Scoot over.” I lifted myself from the seat, letting him slide in so I could sit on his lap. “Come here.” He pulled my body into his and I let loose. I covered his work shirt in my tears, and I couldn’t seem to stop.

  “Becka, you have to calm down,” he urged me after a while.

  “I’m sorry.” I tried to take deep breaths.

  “You don’t have to be sorry. I’m just worried. What is going on?”

  I got myself as calm as I could. “I feel like there is so much pressure on me to make the right decision about school, but no matter what decision I make someone gets hurt. And I don’t want to hurt anybody.” I started crying again. Matt rubbed my back soothingly.

  “Becka, relax.”

  “I just don’t want to hurt anyone, and I feel like that is all I’m doing.”

  “How?”

  “Because by going away to school I’m hurting my mom and Rhylie. They are going to miss me so much. I know they would rather I just go to State. Mom won’t say it, but I know that’s what she wants. Not just for me but for Rhylie. She doesn’t want me to be that far away.” He didn’t speak, he just listened. “But if I stay here, then I’m stuck in this town with all these people I hate. And I don’t have you.” I let out a few more tears, trying to catch my breath. “You should’ve seen Rhylie’s face, Matt. She freaked out. She started screaming about how I’m a liar and you’re a liar for taking me away. She ran into traffic and almost got hit by a car, and it’s all my fault!” The tears flowed again. Matt didn’t say anything, he just rubbed my back and let me freak out. I was grateful he was letting me get this out of my system. This was a lot to hold in.

  “Becka, no matter what happens, this is your decision. You get to do whatever it is you want. This is something that you need to do for you, not for anyone else. You get to be selfish with this one because whatever you choose will affect you moving forward. It is okay to think about you for a change.” I still wasn’t sure what to say. He was right, but I was numb. “I need to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me, okay?”

  “Of course,” I agreed.

  “What do you want to do? Not for anyone else and not for me, but for you.”

  There wasn’t any form of hesitation in my answer. “I want to go to Barnett. I want to experience life away from this place, and I want to do it with you.”

  He kissed the top of my head and rubbed my back some more. “Then that is what you do.”

  “But I’ll hate myself if Rhylie doesn’t forgive me.”

  “Becka, she’s seven. She’s smart, but she doesn’t get it. Not in the way you or I do. She’ll forgive you.”

  “I just don’t want to hurt them, I really don’t”

  “I promise Becks, everything will work out.” He kissed the top of my head once more and continued stroking my back. I felt better. I wasn’t perfect, I still had to actually go to school if I got in, but at least I was on the path to making my own decision.

  I got home, and Rhylie was still holed up in her room. I made my way to her first. We couldn’t let this just sit in the air, I had to get her to understand at least as much as a seven-year-old could.

  I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. The light was peeking through the bottom of the door, but I heard nothing. I knocked again and still nothing. I opened the door anyway and found Rhylie lying on the floor with paper and crayons. Her eyes met mine when the door opened, and they were just as sad as they were a few hours ago.

  “Hey, Bug,” I said softly. I closed the door behind me and sat on the floor, not trying to get too close to her. I knew how important having space was for me. I wanted to give her the same respect.

  “Hi,” she whispered, still looking down at her drawings.

  “Can we talk for a minute?” She nodded slowly. “I’m really sorry I made you sad, I just wanted to let you know what was going on.”

  She was silent for a while. I just sat and watched her draw, unsure if she would ever speak to me.

  “Do you have to go?” she whispered again.

  I nodded. “If I get into this school, I really want to go.”

  She looked back at me this time. “Will you come back?”

  “Of course! I get to come back at Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and Spring Break and summertime. You’ll still see me, just not every day like now.”

  Rhylie looked back down at the floor, thinking about my words. “Okay.”

  “And I won’t leave for a long time. Not until the next school year.”

  “I’m going to miss you,” Rhylie whispered again. I got up from my spot and pulled her to me, hugging her as tightly and deeply as I could.

  “I’m going to miss you more than anybody in the entire world, Bug.” I kissed the top of her head. “I’m going to call you and come visit all the time.”

  She looked up at me with tears in her eyes, holding out her pinky. “You promise?”

  My eyes welled up immediately and a tear slipped down my cheek. “I pinky promise.” We held pinkies in our hug for a while. I didn’t care how long it lasted, I just wanted to be with my sister.

  “I’m sorry I said I don’t like you,” she mumbled in my sweatshirt.

  “It’s okay.”

  “And I’m sorry I said I don’t like Matt,” she sighed this time.

  “It’s okay, but I think you should talk to him about it.”

  She nodded with a sniffle. “Okay.”

  I laid on Rhylie’s floor with her and drew until it was time for bed. She took the owl she painted and laid it on her pillow.

  “I love you, Becka,” she spoke clearly right as I was leaving her room and shutting the light.

  “I love you too, Bug.”

  I closed the door and let my girl sleep, letting all be right with the world.

  Friday night came, and plans had changed. Movie night was at my house this time, and the sleepover was girls only. It took me a while to make up my mind about this. I loved spending my weekends in bed with Matt. It was the best thing in the world to wake up in his arms. But if everything went as planned, we would have plenty of opportunities to do that when we got to college. Nights spent with Dani and Rhylie were soon to be in rare form. I needed to do it for them as well as for me. Plus, I invited Rhylie’s best friend from school, Emily, to sleepover, just to make sure Rhylie had fun.

  I brought the idea up to Matt and he took some convincing.

  “So, we will be sleeping separately… on a Friday…” He paused for a long time.

  “Yes.”

  “This is unprecedented.” I laughed at his seriousness. “What brought this on?”

  “I haven’t been spending a lot of time with Dani, and Rhylie has been so upset with me because she says all I do is spend time with you. So, if I just have Dani and Rhylie there, I can focus on them instead of you.”

  “Is focusing on me a bad thing?” He looked at me suspiciously.

  “Stop it, you know it’s not. But if I get into school, I won’t see Rhylie. I want her to remember the times I did try to play with her before I go.”

  His suspiciousness went away and in came sincerity. “Okay, that’s cool.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, I get it. Rhylie only has you for a shortened period of time. Where
as, you and I have forever, so it makes sense.”

  Butterflies invaded my stomach, making my cheeks blush. “Forever, huh?”

  He smiled back at me just the way I liked it. “As long as you’ll have me.”

  It was decided. Movie night would take place at my house, but it would be no boys allowed after that. Rhylie loved it when I told her.

  “They’re all coming?” she hollered.

  “Dani, Matt, and James will be here at seven o’clock to eat pizza and watch movies. And Emily is coming. Dani and Emily will sleepover with us.”

  A giant scream came out of this child so loud the walls shook.

  “I’M SO EXCITED!” She screamed some more as she bolted up the stairs to her room.

  “Why is she screaming?” Mom came out of her studio a flustered mess. “What happened now?”

  “I told her about the movie night. It was a happy scream.”

  “Oh,” Mom looked relieved. “Thank goodness, I thought she got hurt.”

  “Strangely the screams are the same.” I tried to go up to my room, but Mom stopped me.

  “Thanks for doing this for her. She’s been in such a bad mood lately. I think this will cheer her up.”

  “Me too.”

  It wasn’t long before everyone came over. Dani, James, and Matt came barreling in with more pizzas than necessary, but I was just happy to see their faces.

  “Matt!” Rhylie jumped off the couch and jumped into his arms.

  “Rhylie!” he yelled in return while spinning her around.

  Once Emily arrived, the pizza was devoured, and the movies began. We’d moved the coffee table and found all the blankets and pillows in the house. Rhylie and Emily were lying on their stomachs staring up at the screen. Dani and I were also sitting on the floor, I just had Matt’s legs wrapped around me, making me smile. James was in the recliner, like always, half watching the movie and half texting. This was my favorite place to be.

  After the second movie, James decided to make his exit.

  “Alright guys, I’m gonna take off.”

  “No!” Rhylie shouted, making us all freeze. “You aren’t staying?”

  “It’s just girls tonight, remember Bug?” I told her.

  She looked back at me and pouted. “Why can’t they stay?”

  I didn’t have an answer for her. “Uhm…”

  “Please! James! Matt! Will you stay? Please!” She clasped her hands together and begged them the best way she could. She had me, it wouldn’t be long before she hooked them, or at least Matt.

  “Okay, I’ll stay.” Matt smiled at her, making my heart flutter.

  “Yes!” she cheered. “James?”

  “I’m sorry, Rhylie. I really can’t stay. But I’ll come back soon. I promise.”

  Rhylie was heavily disappointed, but when James reached his pinky out to her, she quickly forgave him.

  The third movie was rolling, and my back was killing me from sitting on the floor. I kept trying to shift my sitting, but it wasn’t working.

  “Will you just get up here already?” Matt whispered in my ear, making me laugh.

  “Shut up.” I extracted myself from the floor and curled up on the couch in Matt’s arms. He threw a blanket over both of us and made me feel at home.

  “Looks like we don’t have to spend a night apart.” He smiled greatly.

  “So needy,” I whispered.

  “Stop acting like you don’t like it.” He smiled again. He gently placed his lips on my neck and woke up the senses in my body.

  “Okay, okay.” I brought his face to mine and kissed him deeply, not caring who was in the room.

  Rhylie lasted a lot longer than I thought she would, falling asleep right as the third movie ended. Emily was right there with her, knocked out ten minutes before that. I was going to ask Dani if she wanted to change the movie, but she was passed out too.

  “Well, that was fast.” Matt laughed.

  “How with all these people is it still just the two of us?”

  “I’m not complaining.” He leaned in again and kissed me sweetly. When he leaned back and looked at me, something was behind his eyes. He wanted to tell me something, I could feel it.

  “What’s up?”

  He shook his head. “Nothing, I just like looking at you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Stop stalling and just tell me.”

  He smirked a little, trying to think. “I just wanted you to know that I’m proud of you. I know how hard you worked to get into school and I just need you to know that whatever happens, we will be okay.”

  I knew my crease was back with the way I looked at him. “What are you talking about?”

  He sighed. “I know I’m really optimistic about stuff and I know that I can come off strong, but I don’t want you to have to worry about me while you are worrying about everything else.”

  This sounded suspiciously like what I said to Dani. And he wasn’t saying it came from her, but how else would he know? “What brought this on?”

  He nodded to the floor. “Dani talked to me, said I was being too much, and I should tone it down.”

  “Did she say I said something about it?”

  He shook his head vigorously. “No, not at all. She asked me about you getting into school, which sent me into my speech about how you’re getting in and we’re moving together and yadda yadda yadda. She told me I need to calm down and keep my feet on the ground. And she’s right, I’m sorry for coming off so strong, but I just want you to know how much I believe in you and I believe in us and I have all the confidence in the world that we are going to school together. But if we don’t, I’ll be okay, and you will be okay, and we will be okay.” He took my hands in his and kissed them sweetly.

  I was praising Dani through my mind, hoping her sleeping body felt the love. “You just want this so bad, and so do I. That’s nothing to apologize for.”

  “I just felt bad. I don’t want to be annoying about it. Things with us are supposed to be easy, and I was doing the opposite.”

  “You could never be annoying. Needy for sure, but never annoying.”

  “Jokes!” He put his hands on my sides and tickled me lightly. I clasped a hand over my mouth, trying not to wake everyone.

  “Matt, stop!” I hushed him, my smile back.

  “I couldn’t help myself,” he leaned into me and kissed me deeply. “I love you, you know.”

  “I know.” I kissed him again. “I love you too.”

  “So, Social Network?”

  I was surprised. “Really? I have a fully unoccupied bed upstairs and you want to stay on the couch?”

  He smiled and kissed me again. “I don’t always need sex Becks, sometimes I just need you.” Matt wrapped his body around mine underneath the blanket and held me close, making my heart pound with love.

  Eighteen

  Christmas morning came and the house was up long before it usually was. We did presents, mostly for Rhylie, and got started on the cooking. Ham was in the oven and Mom was peeling potatoes while I scooped out seeds from jalapenos for the poppers. I was exhausted, but I was also excited. Matt and I started dating the day after Halloween, but we didn’t get Thanksgiving together. This was like our first official holiday.

  A few days earlier, Mom had invited Matt, Dani, and Michael over for Christmas dinner. They told her they would talk to Michael, which I was worried about. Matt hadn’t talked much to his dad since our dinner. And from what I’d been told, Michael’s drinking had increased.

  “Are you going to talk to your dad about Christmas?” I asked Matt.

  “Dani and I talked about it. We agreed we would tell him he can come but only if he promises not to drink.”

  “Wow.” I was surprised and impressed with them. This was the first time, that I knew of at least, that they had taken a stand against Michael.

  “We’ll see what he says.” Matt didn’t seem very optimistic.

  “I hope it works out.”

  “Me too.”

  T
he talk didn’t go as planned. Matt and Dani sat him down, but I guess Michael didn’t want to hear it. He continued to walk away from the conversation until Matt yelled at him. Matt told him he could come to Christmas if he promised not to drink, or he could spend Christmas alone. Matt hadn’t spoken to him in three days and when only two Murphy’s came through the door, I had my answer.

  “Merry Christmas!” Dani shouted when she came in.

  “Dani!” Rhylie hollered from the floor. She ran straight for Dani and wrapped around her waist while Dani balanced pies.

  “Hey, Rhylie.” She laughed.

  “Merry Christmas!” Mom greeted them from the stove, stirring a pot of steaming gravy. “Make yourselves at home.” Dani and Rhylie were on the floor with her toys, and Ryan was deep in a football game. Matt and I went into the dining room to exchange gifts away from everyone.

  I handed him a small gift bag, eager to see his face. He took out a smaller box and inside he found a watch made entirely out of wood, except for the face.

  “Becks, this is really nice.” He smiled down at it, holding it in his hands.

  “Flip it over.” On the back of the face I had You’re a Wizard, Matthew engraved in the wood. Matt’s laugh filled the room, along with his smile.

  “I love it.” He ran his thumb over the inscription. “Proof that I have enough magic to be a wizard.”

  “You earned it,” I joked, loving that he loved it.

  “Thank you, Becks.” He kissed me quickly, still a smile on his face. “Open yours.”

  Matt’s gift for me was also a small bag, and inside that bag was a smaller box. I opened the box and I found a long gold chain that held a skinny four-sided bar. I looked closely at the necklace and on each side of the bar were little numbers.

  “Coordinates?”

  He nodded. “To our spot.”

  My heart leapt from my chest. It was beautiful. No matter where I went, I would always have our spot with me.

  “Do you like it?”

  I nodded as big as I could. “It’s perfect.”

  He joined me in a smile. “I figured that we both want to get out of here, but not everything has been horrible.” He looked down at the necklace and ran his fingers over the coordinates. “If it weren’t for this town, I wouldn’t have met you, and we wouldn’t have a spot. So, I guess it’s not all bad.”