I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  “Actually, I wanted to talk to Becka.” Her eyes moved to me with a smile I could almost assume was fake. “Can we go talk somewhere?”

  I slapped my crease back on my face, beyond confused now. Matt’s face said the same thing. This girl was sketchy.

  “I’m good right here, thanks.” I couldn’t figure this girl out. If I had seen her anywhere else, she would have looked completely normal. But she was being super weird. Why would my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend want to talk to me in private?

  “It will just take a second.” Her fake smile was almost gone, but not quite.

  “Again, I’m good right here.” Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was my intense need to protect Matt, but I felt strong. She didn’t understand how close Matt and I were. This wasn’t negotiable. Matt’s arm was still wrapped around my body, but I felt him pull me closer.

  Her eyebrows furrowed, and she blew out a breath. “Fine,” she crossed her arms over her chest and looked down at me. “I just wanted to tell you to be careful with him. Getting close to him only ends with you being alone.”

  I think Matt’s head snapped to look back at her so quickly. “Excuse me?” he spat out.

  “Things don’t go as planned and you take off. I know from experience. And she has a right to know what she is getting herself into.” She looked back at him and glared again. “No matter how sweet you are, you know you’re just going to take off without saying a word. It’s what you do. Don’t hurt her like you hurt me.” This girl was pissing me off.

  “Okay, you can go now,” I snapped. It was probably more alcohol-induced at this point, but I clenched my fist at my side.

  “I just wanted to let you know. Be careful.”

  “’ Kay, thanks. Bye.” I waved her away like the nuisance she was. I stared her down until she found herself on the opposite end of the party, as far away from us as she could get.

  Matt ran his hand through his hair and down the back of his neck, squeezing both his neck and his eyes tightly.

  “Hey, come with me.” I needed to get him out of there, he needed to breathe. I took his hand in mine and dragged him through the party until I found an empty bedroom. The music was muffled through the door, giving us the privacy we needed.

  We huddled together on the end of the bed, neither of us speaking. His heart rate was through the roof. I wrapped my body around his arm and tried to calm him down. Eventually, he dropped his explanation.

  “When I was with Bella, my dad was the worst he’d ever been. He was out drinking all the time, not showing up for work, he even got a DUI. I was trying to keep everything together. Dani was having a hard time and I didn’t know what to do.” He brought his hands through his hair again but kept them there, looking at his feet now. “Bella didn’t know about my dad. I didn’t tell her anything. She barely knew about my mom. She knew I didn’t have one, but she didn’t know why or what it did to my family. Bella had no idea. So, when my dad got his DUI, I lost it. I freaked out, not knowing how to handle it anymore. I just kind of dropped off. I didn’t go to school for a week or so, didn’t call or text anyone, I just stayed home.”

  “You didn’t tell Bella.” I didn’t say it like a question because the lightbulb clicked in my brain. She said he takes off and leaves her alone. That was how he processed things. He needed to be alone to get better, and if she didn’t know that or anything about his dad, she would think he was just an ass.

  “I didn’t talk to her about anything. I didn’t know how to. But I need you to know I would never just leave you, Becka. I know I don’t deal with things the best sometimes, but I would never just not tell you where I was or what was going on. I promise.”

  “I know,” I whispered.

  “And I didn’t tell her about my family because I didn’t need her to know. It didn’t matter if she knew. But you are different, I need you to know everything.”

  “I know.”

  “You do?” He looked back at me so nervously.

  “Of course, I do! Matt!” I held his face in my hands, needing him to hear me. “You dealt with things the only way you knew how. And this was what? A year ago? Matt, it’s okay.”

  The feeling of relief flooded through his body. I watched the worry drain from his face and look back at me with such peace. He pulled me to him and kissed me deeply.

  “Why would you think I would believe her?” I asked.

  “I don’t know, I just didn’t want you to think differently about me.”

  I shook my head firmly. “There is nothing that that girl, any of your ex’s or anyone could ever tell me about you to make me feel differently. I love you with all my heart and I will keep loving you for as long as humanly possible.” I stroked his smooth face. “Do you believe me?”

  He nodded with a smile finally back on his face. “Yes, I do.”

  “Good, now come here.” I pulled him to me roughly and kissed him like I knew he needed. He drove his hand through my hair, pulling it while he kissed me. I quickly climbed onto his lap, letting the warmth of his lips and the liquor take over.

  “I love you so much, Becka.” He whispered on my lips. “I can’t believe I have you.”

  I giggled, feeling his love. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  Nineteen

  Days had passed since New Year’s and it was finally Sunday. I was snuggled up on my couch in a copious number of blankets with Matt’s arms and legs entangled in mine. Our favorite Harry Potter movie was playing, and I was in a state of bliss. No one was home for the day, which meant I got uninterrupted Matt time. We had already exhausted each other the second he came through the door. Now it was just time to relax and be.

  The movie played, and I couldn’t help but realize where I was. It never got old when it came to having Matt. I never grew tired of him or annoyed. Every moment I got to spend with him left me with such a calming feeling. He was my favorite.

  I was replaying my delight from our morning activities when the doorbell rang. I groaned loudly, not wanting to extract myself from Matt.

  “Just ignore it, whoever it is will go away,” Matt grumbled in my ear, making me laugh. But just like that, the doorbell rang again.

  “Doesn’t look like it.” I unwrapped Matt’s arms from my body and made way for the door. When I opened it, I wasn’t sure if I was imagining things or not, but she seemed very real.

  “Hi, Becka.” Madison was standing on my porch.

  “Hi?” I don’t think I could have been more confused. She was the last person I expected to see at my door. Well, second to last. Ashleigh would always be first. “What are you doing here?”

  “I really need to talk to you,” she tilted her head toward my house. “Can I come in?”

  Confusion had clouded my judgment. “Okay?” I moved away so Madison could come in, making Matt’s eyes open wider than expected as well.

  “Hi,” she waved at Matt through her fuzzy mittens. “It’s Matt, right?”

  “Yea?” He was just as skeptical as I was.

  “What do you want, Madison?” I couldn’t take the confusion anymore. Why was this girl here?

  Her eyes turned sad again. “Can we go talk, somewhere privately?”

  “Why?”

  She removed her matching hat and gloves, holding them awkwardly in her hands. I couldn’t help but notice how her blonde hair frizzed up as soon as her hat was off, something Ashleigh surely would have mentioned. “You are the only person I can talk to.”

  I cringed my eyebrows together, certainly making my crease massive. “How’s that?”

  “Please, Becka?” The look in her eyes told me she was telling the truth. I’d seen her do Ashleigh’s dirty work for years, and this wasn’t it. At least I hoped it wasn’t. I looked over at Matt and he had the same expression as me, pure skepticism and suspicion.

  “Never mind,” Madison retreated toward the door. “This was a bad idea.” Her hand was on the handle and something came over me.

  “Wait.”

  Madis
on turned back around, and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. Whatever this was, it was real. I sighed loudly. “Come on, we can talk upstairs.”

  “Really?” she asked again, now surprised at me.

  “Just come on before I change my mind.” I headed for the staircase and didn’t turn around, expecting her to follow me. Which she did.

  I sat down on the edge of my bed, ignoring the blankets still sprawled out crazily because of Matt and me. She closed the door behind her and started pacing across the floor.

  “Your room looks different,” she mumbled. She wasn’t looking at anything in the room, I knew she was stalling.

  “Madison, out with it.”

  She continued pacing, no words coming out. “Can I sit?” She nodded toward the end of the bed, next to me. I shrugged, not caring whether she stood, sat, or curled up on the floor. I just needed her to speak. She sat down awkwardly in her wool coat, staring down at her toes. But just barely under her breath, I heard something that hadn’t even crossed my radar.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  I thought I swallowed my tongue for a moment, my ability to speak was gone. I looked anywhere but at her, trying to process this.

  “Aiden?” I asked quietly. Her head nodded clearly, and my skin went cold. She was having Aiden Clark’s baby. Another version of Aiden Clark was being made right at this moment. A violent jolt went through my stomach and I had to physically stop myself from throwing up. I threw a hand over my mouth and tried to breathe the vomit away.

  “Are you okay?” she asked when my hand went up, fear in her eyes. I nodded, taking a minute to breathe. I gathered my thoughts before saying anything. This was huge news, but it wasn’t mine. She was the one pregnant with his baby.

  “How far along are you?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t been to the doctor yet.”

  “Are you okay?”

  She sighed. “Not really.”

  “Who knows?” This was probably my most curious question.

  “No one. Just you.”

  “Why me?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know how to tell Aiden. And Ashleigh will tell everyone.” She looked down at the floor again. “You know exactly how she is, and I didn’t think you would judge me too bad.”

  That was fair. I got why she came to me. It’s not like my old crowd was the best support system.

  “What are you going to do?” This I was concerned about as well. Madison had never been the brightest. It was almost ironic that she was now charged with the biggest decision of her life.

  “I don’t know.”

  I turned to look at her this time and mascara covered tears were streaming down her face. I don’t know what made me do it, but I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her into me, giving her the comfort I could only imagine she needed. It caught her by surprise too, but within seconds her tears increased, and she let it all go. As shocked as I was, I couldn’t even fathom what was going on in her head. A small person was growing inside of her, thriving on her to sustain life. This was huge.

  Eventually, her tears subdued, and we returned to our awkward sitting arrangements. She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand, smearing what was left of her mascara.

  “This is so embarrassing…I got pregnant by the football star during my senior year. How cliché is that?” she laughed to herself.

  “That is pretty basic of you.”

  She turned toward me and fell into a fit of laughter. I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing, but I laughed too.

  When she calmed down, she put her face in her hands. “What do I do, Becka?” I had no idea how to answer that. “I mean, I can’t have a baby.” She shook her head. “I don’t know the first thing about babies. I can’t be someone’s mom!” Her panic was rising again. “And I’m going to State, I can’t have a baby. I won’t be able to go to college or do anything with my life. I’m seventeen, I can’t have a baby.” I wasn’t sure what to say to any of this. She was just spewing word vomit everywhere. “But I can’t have an abortion.” Her hands were back over her face. “I can’t do that. I can’t kill it. I can’t.”

  “Madison,” I pulled her hands away from her face and made her look at me. “You need to calm down.” She took a few deep breaths before I continued. “You don’t have to figure this out right this second, okay? You have time. You don’t even know how far along you are. There is plenty of time to decide what you want to do before you are out of options. And even then, no one said you have to raise it. There is adoption for that. You have choices.”

  She nodded her head slowly, trying to wrap her brain around everything.

  “When did you take the test?”

  “Yesterday.”

  “And you’re sure it was positive?”

  She nodded. “I took four of them. And I got the ones that say pregnant or not pregnant. They all said pregnant.”

  The entire situation threw me for a loop, but ultimately, I just didn’t want her to feel alone. “I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling, dealing with this. But this is up to you. Whether you tell people, tell Aiden, or tell no one. Whether you keep it, get an abortion, or give it up for adoption, this is your choice, okay?”

  She nodded again. “Okay.”

  “But this is happening whether you like it or not. You have to make those choices. Not right this second, but it is on you. Take it seriously.”

  “I am, I swear.” She wiped her tears again.

  I took her hands in mine and looked right at her, surprising myself. “You are going to be okay, with whatever you decide. You are going to be okay.” I pulled her in and hugged her tightly, repeating the same words. “You are going to be okay.”

  “Thanks, Becka.”

  We talked for a little while longer, just about how she was going to do things. She said she wanted to tell Aiden; she just wasn’t ready yet and I understood why. Aiden wasn’t one to stray away from his football plan. How he took this would be massive. But she said he had a right to know, so I supported her. I don’t know why I was being so supportive, but I immediately thought of Dani and how supportive she was of me when I was at my lowest. Even if it was Madison, I wanted to do the same.

  I walked her back downstairs and toward the door, Matt eyeing us skeptically.

  “Thanks again, Becka,” Madison said, hand on the doorknob.

  I nodded. “You still have my number, right?” She nodded. “Let me know if you need anything.” She smiled shyly before opening the door and leaving.

  I let out a heavy sigh of relief when she left, glad that it was over. But Matt’s eyes met mine and I knew it was far from done.

  “What just happened?” He paused the movie and gave me his full attention.

  I exhaled. “She’s in trouble.” I curled back in the blanket with him and gave him the full story.

  “She’s pregnant with your ex’s baby?” Matt was beyond shocked.

  “Not technically my ex, but yes.”

  He combed his hand through his hair, eyes just as wide as when Madison showed up. “That’s crazy.”

  “To put it lightly.”

  “Why did she come to you?”

  “She hasn’t told Aiden yet, and she couldn’t exactly go to Ashleigh.”

  He nodded. “That makes a lot of sense. What is she going to do?”

  “Freak out for a while, I think. But she wants to tell him. She just doesn’t know what she wants to do. She kept saying she can’t be a mom, but she can’t abort it either. I think she’s confused.”

  “I don’t blame her,” Matt strongly agreed. “We are just trying to graduate and go to college, and now she has a baby growing inside her? This is nuts.”

  “I feel for her, I really do. She’s done some shady shit, but this is a lot.”

  “I’m proud of you for helping her.” He moved his arms around me and kissed my cheek. “You didn’t have to let her in, but you did it anyway.”

  “It was the right th
ing to do.”

  We curled back up and watched our movie, trying to relax from everything that just happened. At least I was. Matt’s mind was somewhere else.

  “Would you tell me?”

  I wasn’t sure I heard him right, his voice was so low.

  “What?”

  “If you were Madison…if you were pregnant, would you tell me?”

  I turned my body around so quickly it scared him. “Of course, I would tell you! How could you even ask me that?”

  He closed his eyes tight, realizing his mistake. “I don’t know, I’m sorry. That was stupid.”

  My heart was beating rapidly. “Did you think I wouldn’t tell you?”

  He shook his head so fast it could’ve fallen off. “No! No, I just…never mind.” He covered his face with his hand, upset at himself. “I just… I know Aiden is an asshole who probably isn’t going to care, but I would care. So, I would just want you to tell me. It’s not that I don’t think you would, I just…I don’t know.”

  “Matt, you know when my period is. I think I would tell you if we were going to have a baby.” I tried to joke, easing his tension.

  “I know, I’m sorry.”

  I knew he didn’t mean it; it was just a very un-Matt thing to say. I took his veiny hand in mine and kissed it quickly, trying to take away his guilt. “It’s okay.”

  We laid back down and continued watching the movie. I just wanted the moment to pass. We didn’t fight. We argued occasionally, but it lasted all of thirty seconds. I didn’t like the feeling of being upset with him, I just wanted to forget it.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered on my neck.

  “You don’t have to be, it’s okay.”

  “I think I was trying to ask you if you want kids someday.”

  I choked out a laugh. “You might want to work on your approach next time.”

  Thankfully, he laughed with me. “Yeah, not my best work.” He paused for a moment, rubbing my arm softly. “But for real, do you?”

  “Yeah,” I whispered. “I’d like kids someday.” I felt his arms wrap tightly around me. “Do you?”

  “Yeah, I’d like to have a family.” I couldn’t stop the butterflies from erupting in my stomach. What was happening? “How many do you want?” he asked.