“Probably two, maybe three.” I couldn’t get the idea of Matt’s babies growing inside me out of my head. “You?”
“I think like five.”
“Five!” I flipped my body around to face him and met his perfect smile. “You want five kids?”
“I mean, yeah. I always wanted a big family. I think I could have five kids. What’s wrong with five?”
“That’s a lot of kids! That’s the first string of a basketball team!”
He laughed heartily with me again. “Then we can start a family team! Five starters and two subs.”
I couldn’t stop laughing. “You’ve got it all worked out, huh?”
“I think my plan is pretty solid.”
“Good luck telling your wife.”
He rolled his eyes and looked away from me. “Why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Say things like that. My wife. You act like we aren’t talking about us in the future. Like I’m going to be with someone else.” He looked at me this time, the fun and wonder of the conversation gone. “Why do you act like it won’t be us having a family?”
He caught me off guard. I wasn’t sure what to do. He untangled himself from me and moved to another cushion on the couch, pushing one hand through his hair in frustration.
“Why does our future scare you so much?”
“It doesn’t scare me,” I denied.
“Yes, it does. You get scared when I talk about college. I know I came off too strong about it before, but you still get scared, I can see it in your eyes.”
He wasn’t wrong. “This is all just so fast. Two months, Matt. We’ve been together for two months.”
“Would you take any of it back?” he asked, his dark chocolate eyes piercing my soul.
“No, not a thing.”
“Do you love me?”
“Of course, I do!”
“Then what does it matter how long it’s been?” He was calm, the opposite of my disposition. “Who cares how long we’ve been together if we can both say without a doubt that we love each other?”
“Because what if something happens? What if something goes wrong and we don’t make it?”
“Do you think something is going wrong?” he asked calmly again.
“No, but that doesn’t mean something can’t happen.”
“Why are you so scared?”
“Because I don’t want this ripped out from under me!” I shouted, my heart beating fast. He was good, getting me to say my truth. “I don’t want to lose you, Matt.”
“How could you lose me?” he pleaded with me. “Do you ever think I would cheat on you?”
“No.”
“Are you planning on cheating on me anytime soon?”
My eyes turned to slits. He was going too far with this. “Don’t you dare ask me that.”
“I’m just saying. If neither of those things is going to happen, and I’m not breaking up with you, where am I going that you could lose me?”
“To college.”
He leaned back from me, shock in his eyes. “So, what? You think I’ll go to school and be a different person, want nothing to do with you anymore?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then what are you saying?”
I didn’t want to bring it up. I had been pushing it down as far as I could, but he was pushing me, and I felt like I had no choice. “Maybe you’ll go to school and realize you rushed into things with me and you want to try something new. Maybe your dad was right.”
His eyes were a dark like I’d never experienced. I recognized the anger, but there was something else. There was pain. He stared back at me in complete and utter shock of my words.
“I can’t believe you just said that to me.”
“Matt, I—”
“With everything you know about me, everything we’ve talked about, everything we’ve been through, and everything you mean to me, you are going to take one thing my drunk dad said and use it to push me away?” There was so much disappointment in his eyes, it shook me to my core.
“I’m sorry.” My voice was so weak, even I didn’t believe it. Matt got up from the couch and went straight for the door, never meeting my eyes once. “Please don’t go,” I choked out, tears already falling.
“You pushed too far, Becka.”
I laid on the living room floor, sprawled out like a corpse. My chest was being crumpled from the inside, caving in on me quickly. My breathing was short and jagged, barely any air coming in or out. I knew I was hyperventilating, but I didn’t care. I deserved it. I hurt the one person who ever truly loved me. I lost him. I pushed him away and I lost him. I was alone again. And it was all my fault.
“Becka? What the fuck?” Ryan rushed through the front door and found me, clearly unprepared for what he was witnessing. I couldn’t move even if I wanted to. Ryan came to me and dropped to his knees, unsure of what to do.
“Becka, what happened?”
“I. Can’t. Breathe.” My breaths were still quick, less than one second of inhale and exhale each.
“Becka, look at me.” Ryan put both his hands on the sides of my face. “Focus on me.” I saw his soft eyes, but my breathing wasn’t getting any better. “Focus, Becka. Slow down and breathe. Do it with me.” Ryan started taking large deep breaths, his eyes never leaving mine. My chest was pumping like uncontrollable hiccups, but I heard his breaths and I tried. It took a while, but I was eventually able to match him, my panic attack coming to a close.
“Better?” he asked once we had breathed in sync for a few minutes. I nodded as best I could with his hands still holding my face. “Can you get up?” I honestly wasn’t sure. I had been on the floor for a while, but I used what little strength I had left to lift my body onto the couch. Ryan ran to the kitchen and got me a glass of water before coming back to me, his face drenched in worry. “What happened?”
My breathing immediately tried to give out on me again, but I tried to breathe my way through an explanation.
“I think Matt broke up with me.” I inhaled roughly, tears running like a faucet.
“What!” Ryan leaned back in shock. I dropped my head in my hands and became hysterical once again. Ryan wrapped his arms around my body and held me close. “I’m so sorry, Becka. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s my fault,” I blubbered. “I kept pushing him away and I pushed too far.”
Ryan pulled me from his hug and looked back at me concerned. “Why were you pushing him away?”
“I…I don’t know…I was so scared he was just going to leave me one day. I just thought…”
“You thought what? That if you did it yourself it wouldn’t hurt as bad?” He was unimpressed with my reasoning. “Becka, what did you expect? He can’t keep trying and trying if you won’t try with him.”
“I know!” I was wailing at this point, tears and snot streaking the couch pillows. “I know I fucked up! I know I just lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I know it’s my fault! But I was scared! He’s talking about the future and having kids and I was scared. Because what if I get my hopes up and it all falls apart? I can’t get my hopes up anymore, Ryan. I just can’t.” I buried my face in a pillow and continued to bawl. It took him a minute, but I felt Ryan’s arms wrap around me again.
“I’m sorry this happened, and I’m sorry you’re so scared. But you can’t live your entire life scared of getting hurt, Becka. Especially when you have someone you love as much as Matt.”
“I do love him. I love him so much.”
Ryan lifted my head from the pillow and met my eyes. “Then you need to stop being scared. Otherwise you will lose him for good.”
It took a while to calm myself and gather my thoughts. But once I did, I drove to Matt’s house. I wasn’t sure if he even wanted to see me. But if there was any chance of saving this, I needed to try.
My hands shook as I knocked on the door, nerves coursing through my body like a current. I didn’t know what to expect, and honestly
, I was terrified. I didn’t want this to be over. I didn’t want to lose him.
“Hey, Becka,” Michael greeted me as he opened the door, just as friendly as ever. I wasn’t sure what his demeanor would be considering the last time we interacted was at the terrible dinner. But he acted as if nothing happened.
“Hi, Mr. Murphy. Is Matt home?” I appreciated his pleasantries, but I was on a mission.
He smiled lightly. “How many times do I have to tell you to call me Michael?”
I tried to play it off. “Sorry. Michael.” I pointed toward their staircase. “Is he upstairs?”
He opened the door wider, letting me in. “Yea, he should be. Go on up.”
“Thank you.” I wasted no time. I took the stairs two at a time and made it to his door, taking one final breath before knocking.
“Come in.” I heard his mumble through the door, his voice deep and dark, not light and cheerful like I liked. My terror remained, but I opened the door anyway.
“Hi.”
He was sitting on his bed, head leaned against the wall and his phone in his hands. He looked surprised to see me, but not in a good way. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, not trying to crowd him.
“Can we talk?” I asked softly.
He tossed his phone to the side, propping his arms on his bent knees. “Sure.”
“I wrote you something.” I pulled a piece of paper out of my back pocket, unfolding it slowly. “I haven’t been very good with my words lately, at least not off the top of my head and straight from my mouth. So, I thought I would write down what I can’t seem to explain.” He stared back at me, skeptical of my plans. I could feel how much I hurt him in the air. “Can I read it to you?”
He cleared his throat and nodded his head. “Okay.”
I took a deep breath and combed my hair away from my face, ready to tell him what was on my heart.
“Since the day I met you, you have been nothing but honest with me. You’ve shown me who you are and what it feels like to really have someone by my side. You became my friend, and then my boyfriend, and then my best friend in such a short period of time, I have such a hard time believing that this is real life. I believe in everything you tell me because you have never given me a reason to think otherwise. I believe in you more than anything. But I am scared. I am not scared of you or the things that you say, but I’m scared that one day you’ll get tired of me and I won’t be good enough. I’m scared you’ll get bored of me and find someone new. Someone who does things for you that I can’t, and I’m scared I won’t be able to convince you that I’m what you wanted at one time.” Tears were streaming down my face, but I made no attempt to wipe them away. I just needed to get this out.
“None of my fears have anything to do with the way you make me feel. You have done nothing to encourage these insecurities. But they are thriving because of how much I love you and because of how scared I am of no longer having you in my life. Because I know with all my heart that this is what I want. I want you in the morning, pouring my coffee, sleepy with dragon breath and kissing me good morning. I want you at night when you are exhausted from the day and all you want is me in your arms. I want to watch movies with you, bake cookies with you, and go on adventures with you. I want you to be able to tell me anything and everything. I want to be the one you go to when you’ve had a good or bad day. I want to be that for you because you have always been that for me. I’m so sorry I hurt you and I’m so sorry I pushed you away. The last thing I want is to be without you. I don’t want you to give up on me or to ever think twice about how much I love you, because I’ve never thought twice about your love for me.” I was reaching the end and my anxiety was getting the best of me, my breathing getting more jagged.
“I hope I’m not too late and I hope I can fix this. Because all I want is you. I love you.”
I stood there with my letter, unable to meet his eyes. I was too scared of what I might see staring back at me. But thankfully, he didn’t give me a chance. Matt climbed off his bed and came toward me immediately. He took my letter and put it on his desk before pulling my body into his and enfolding me in the best hug I’d ever experienced. The feeling of his embrace put air back in my lungs. I dug my fingers into his back as I hugged him, unwilling to weaken my grip. I needed this more than anything.
Matt walked me over to the bed and laid us down, never loosening his hold on me.
“I’m so sorry,” I cried into his shirt. “I’m so sorry for everything.”
He hushed me as he kissed the top of my hair. “It’s okay.”
“I was just so scared of getting hurt again.”
He pulled my head back and looked into my eyes, still full of sadness. “Do you really think I would hurt you? Even with everything you know about me?”
“No, it’s just…” I needed to take a second to compose myself. “I wasn’t looking for you. I never expected you. But then I met you and everything changed. Matt…meeting you was the best and scariest thing that has ever happened to me. You are so amazing and treat me so wonderfully. If this falls apart, I don’t know that I’ll recover. And that is the scariest feeling in the world; realizing that one person can affect me so deeply is terrifying.”
“Do you get that I feel the exact same way? That even the idea of losing you hurts so bad I won’t even bother to entertain it?” The thought hadn’t crossed my mind. “Because I do, Becks. I’ve thought about what would happen if we broke up and I didn’t get to see you every day, or if I never got to wake up to you again, and it makes me sick.”
I had no idea he had fears like mine. “So why aren’t you scared too?”
“Because I can’t be excited and scared about our future at the same time. I have to look at the positives and what it could be. And I think it could be amazing.” He smoothed my hair down slowly, his eyes never deviating from mine. “I don’t want to lose you either, Becks. I know it’s only been two months. It’s insane to think I’ve found the girl I love in such a short time. But this is real. If we can be this happy and this in love in two months, imagine our future. Imagine how great the rest of our lives can be. That’s why I’m not scared. All I care about is you and how you make me feel. That’s what I trust.” He wiped the new tears that sprouted from my eyes. “I need you to trust that what we have is strong enough to make it.”
I leaned my body into Matt’s chest and let him hold me tightly. He was the sweetest person I had ever met in my life and I would give anything to have a future with him. As it turned out, what I had to give up was my fear.
“I’m so sorry. I’ve been so scared of losing you that it’s getting in the way.” I let my tears fall into his chest, just trying my best to be as honest as possible. “It just seems too easy, like this is all just a dream.”
He rubbed my back gently. “We’ve always said this is easy, that no matter what fucked up thing is going on around us, this is easy, so easy it’s perfect. Things don’t normally come by on a whim and be this easy for us. But I promise you,” he lifted my head off his chest, holding my face in his hands, “we are going to make it. No matter what schools we go to or whatever the hell happens in this world, we will be okay. Please stop thinking of the worst possible outcome and just be here with me.”
I let the rest of my tears fall as I kissed him softly.
“I go where you go.”
Twenty
Going back to school was easy enough, but we were all very much aware that this was the last semester of high school. It weighed heavily on me. More and more people were deciding on their futures, whereas mine was still up in the air. I tried my best to keep myself distracted, and the upcoming birthday of my best friend and my boyfriend was helping immensely.
I had been badgering Matt for weeks on what he wanted for a present. He was little to no help, so I improvised. I thought I did a great job with what I had picked out, but a week before the big day as we were waking up from our usual sleepover, he had finally decided.
“I k
now what I want for my birthday,” he whispered in my ear as he spooned against me.
“Took you long enough,” I laughed. “It had better be easy to get. I’ve only got a week left.”
“I want a song.”
I laid still against him, unsure of why I was feeling nervous. “A song?”
“When we first started hanging out, you told me you pick songs for how you’re feeling. It’s been almost three months and I’ve never gotten a song. So that’s what I want. I want you to pick a song for me.”
I was grateful that he remembered what I had said, but I was still nervous. I picked songs, but I didn’t share them with others. Especially not songs that were so close to my heart. This was a lot of pressure. I knew I could always be honest with him, but a song was a different kind of honesty. It was more than honesty; it was a different level of vulnerability.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
We had all just been waiting for school to end. The last day of the week meant we got to enjoy our movie marathon and the next day two of the four of us would be eighteen. School felt useless compared to our social lives.
Matt waited for me at my locker at the end of the day, looking forward to our evening.
“Hey, you.” He greeted me with a kiss. “Are you still staying over tonight?”
“Do you want me to stay over tonight?”
My favorite sexy smile appeared on his face. “Is that even a question?” He wrapped his hands around my waist and brought us together. “Being with you tonight means you are the first person I get to see on my birthday, and that is all I want.”
I leaned in and kissed him deeply, probably too deep for a school hallway, but I didn’t care. He knew just the right thing to say.
“I’ll be there.”
I made a quick stop in the bathroom before leaving, and I found Madison by herself, wiping tears away from her eyes.
“Madison?”
She looked over at me in panic, but she rested her eyes when she saw it was only me. “Hi, Becka.”
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