I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  “We’re on our way.” I ended the call and took a deep breath, trying to find the strength to tell him.

  “What’s wrong?” Matt sat up on his elbows, looking at me with what I could only think was fear.

  I extracted myself from his lap, sitting back on my half of the blankets, unable to meet his eyes. Here it goes. “It’s your dad. He was in an accident. Dani needs us to meet her.”

  He laid down flat, staring up at the sky. “Was he drinking?”

  I nodded. He still wasn’t moving, just staring. “She’s at the hospital.”

  “Hospital?” He looked back at me with wide eyes. “Why is she at the hospital?”

  “She didn’t say, she just said she needs us there.”

  He sat up quickly and started tying his shoes. “We should go.” He wasn’t there. His body was, but his mind was far, far away from me.

  “Do you want me to drive?” I offered once we stuffed the blankets back in the truck. “I can drive if you want me to.”

  “No, I’m fine.” He sat down quickly and in a flash, we were going back down the hill like nothing happened.

  The drive felt like the longest hour of my life. Matt was gone. He had one hand on the wheel, the other clenched on his lap. The veins in his hands were so vivid, it almost scared me. I wanted so desperately to hold his hand, but I didn’t go for it. Something told me it wouldn’t end well for me.

  I wished I could read his mind, just to know how quickly everything was moving in there. I knew his thoughts were going a mile a minute, faster if possible. He was so quick to know what I was thinking and always so interested in what it was. Him being so closed off was weird, I didn’t like it. But I knew there was nothing I could do about it, especially right then and there.

  We made it to the hospital and found a spot in emergency parking, power walking through the lobby. We were about to stop at reception when Dani came flying around the corner.

  “There you are,” she huffed out, her breathing shallow. “Come on.”

  We followed her past dozens of closed curtains until we found Michael in a hospital bed. He had a massive cut on his forehead with blood congealed in his hair. His right arm was held close to his chest in a blue sling, the left attached to a bag of fluid, and an oxygen mask over his face. His eyes were closed, but he looked tired. Alive, but tired.

  “What happened?” Matt asked, staring at his dad with numb eyes.

  “He was driving home from the bar and he went off the road, hit a tree, totaled the truck,” Dani whispered, staring at her dad with so much worry on her face, it scared me. “Doctors came in and took some blood. He’s been unconscious since they found him.”

  “How drunk?” Matt asked, arms crossed over his chest.

  “Blood alcohol level of .18.” Damn. He was obliterated.

  “Was anyone hurt?” Matt was still numb, staring back at his dad like he didn’t even recognize him.

  “No. Just him.”

  We took the three chairs along the wall and waited for Michael to wake up. Dani couldn’t take her eyes off him. Matt traveled back and forth between his father’s face and the floor. I didn’t care if he wanted me to or not, but I held his hand in mine as tightly as I could. I was going to be there, and he was going to know it.

  I don’t know how much time had passed when Michael’s eyes stirred open. We didn’t notice right away. It was when he began wrestling the oxygen mask that our attention was grabbed.

  “What happened?” His voice sounded like broken glass. I couldn’t imagine it felt much better. He was still trying to remove the oxygen mask.

  “Dad!” Dani rushed out of her seat and sat on his bed, holding his hand.

  “Hey, Dani.” He squeezed her hand back, squinting his eyes at the bright hospital lights. “What happened?”

  She looked at him carefully. I didn’t envy her, having to tell her dad what he had done this time. “You were driving, and you crashed your truck. Hit a tree.” He closed his eyes and flung his head back on the pillow behind him.

  “Am I okay?”

  Dani nodded. “You have a cut on your head, you might have a concussion. The doctor still needs to observe you. And you dislocated your shoulder.”

  “Did I…” he cleared his throat aggressively. “Did I hurt anyone?”

  “Not this time.”

  We all caught a gust of air in our throats, alarmed at Matt’s words.

  “Matt…” Dani sighed.

  “When are you going to stop this shit?” Matt spat out, wringing his hands through his hair, glaring at the floor. “When is it ever going to be the bottom for you?”

  “Matt, not right now.” Dani tried to stop him, but it didn’t work.

  He fired himself out of his chair and stood at the end of his dad’s bed, his eyes as dark as I’d ever seen them. “Dad, you need to stop. You said you were going to stop.”

  “I know, I was…” Michael took his good hand from Dani and wiped over his face, clearly bothered. “I was doing okay. Sixteen days, no drinking.”

  “Then what?” Matt barked.

  “Matt,” Dani snapped. “It’s Valentine’s day.” They looked at each other so closely, I wanted to call it a twin thing, but I think it had more to do with their mom.

  The doctor came in, breaking up the family awkwardness.

  “Hey, Michael.” The doctor was bald, with small wire glasses.

  “Frank.” Michael nodded, acknowledging his presence.

  Frank lifted a chart off the table and examined it thoroughly. He held a flashlight in front of Michael’s eyes. “It looks like you have a minor concussion. Should be fine. I put six stitches in your forehead and your shoulder has been reset. You got lucky.” This didn’t sit nicely with any of us, especially Matt. “But I have to tell you, because of your blood alcohol level, the police are here.”

  Michael nodded, not looking surprised. “I get it.”

  Frank took his glasses off and looked back at Michael meaningfully. He moved closer to his bedside like they were friends.

  “Listen, Michael, we go back. I’ve known you for a long time. I knew Natalie…” Frank’s eyes traveled to Dani and Matt, giving them the look they hated so much. “I talked to the police and I have an offer for you. If you agree to go to rehab, they will wave off the DUI. No jail time.”

  All eyes fell on Michael. Dani looked hopeful, almost happy like this was such great news. It was, or at least it wasn’t bad news. Matt didn’t see it that way. His eyes were just as intense, focused on his father, almost pleading with him. But Michael said nothing.

  “It’s a minimum of forty-five days in-patient. Depending on how well you do will determine if you have to stay longer, or if you can be transferred to outpatient. I’ll give you some time to think it over, but Michael, don’t wait too long.” Frank was about to make his exit, but Matt put his hands on him, stopping him from leaving.

  “There’s nothing to think over. He’s doing it.”

  “Matt,” Michael stopped him this time. “Just give me a minute.”

  Matt looked like he saw a ghost. “Are you kidding me? He’s offering you a shot and you won’t take it?”

  “I didn’t say that. I just want to take a minute. Let Frank go.” I saw so much of Matt when I looked at Michael in that moment. So headstrong. Matt was still in shock, but he let go of Frank’s scrubs, leaving them wrinkled. Frank left, and we were back where we started, awkward.

  “Dad,” Dani whispered to him, tears in her eyes. “Please do this. Please, take the help and go. Get better, please.”

  “How can you even think about other options?” Matt broke again, still just as intense. “They are offering you a chance to go and get better, just like you promised you would, remember?” Matt was pleading with him, but it was just coming out so angry, so aggressive. “You have to go.”

  Michael sighed, closing his eyes again. “I just don’t know.”

  “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” Matt slammed his hands on the edge of the hospita
l bed, shaking the whole thing. He stormed out of the room, throwing the curtain closed.

  I rushed out of my chair and into the hall, looking for him everywhere. I went back out to reception, the click of my boots following me. I found him pacing quickly, his hands thrust in his hair so aggressively I thought he was going to pull out strands. I didn’t know what to say, what I was supposed to say to make this better. There was nothing I could say, I was just supposed to be there for him. But the devastation on his face was so strong, so severe, it scared me.

  “Matt,” I whispered, trying to find my sound.

  “I don’t get it,” he spoke so hostilely. “How can he even consider not going? He could’ve killed someone! He could’ve killed himself!” Other people in the waiting room turned to stare, but nothing fazed him. He was gone.

  “I know.”

  “He’s being fucking selfish!” he hollered, looking at me with fire in his eyes.

  “Matt,” I spoke as sternly as I could, fighting off my fear. “He didn’t say he’s not going. He said he needed to think about it.”

  “What is there to think about?”

  “You and Dani, probably,” I pointed out. “If he goes, who is going to stay with you? He’s got to think about leaving you guys alone for who knows how long. As a parent, he has to think about this.”

  Matt’s eyes went softer. Not the soft I usually got, but the fire was at least subdued. He wiped his face roughly. “He just needs to do this. He has to.”

  I reached for his hands, hoping he would let me. Our skin touched, and I physically felt him calm down. Still not back to my Matt but getting closer. “Let’s go back in and talk to him about it. Not yell at him, or scream, but just talk. Okay?”

  He squeezed my hands, taking a deep breath. I almost had him back.

  “You go, I’ll be right there.”

  “Matt,” I sighed. I didn’t want to leave him alone. “I go where you go, remember?”

  “I just need to get some air.” He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. He was still gone, that kiss had no meaning, no feeling. He let go of my hands and went through the automatic doors. It took everything I had not to kick up my shoes and chase him out into the parking lot. I just wanted to hold him so tight that all the pain seeped out of him, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I needed to give him time, no matter how badly I didn’t want to.

  I went back to Michael’s curtained area. Dani was still holding her dad’s hand, talking to him quietly. I didn’t want to interrupt, so I sat quietly.

  “We will be fine, Dad,” she said.

  “You guys can’t live on your own, Dani.”

  “Dad,” she sighed, not wanting to tell him what she needed to. “We’ve been taking care of ourselves for a while.” He squeezed his eyes tight, just like Matt. “What we need is for you to get better.”

  “But what about bills? And the food?”

  “The bills have been on autopay for years. And I know how to grocery shop.”

  “I don’t know,” he sighed. “I don’t like you guys living on your own.”

  “They can stay with me.”

  Michael and Dani turned toward me, surprised to see me there.

  “Becka, you don’t need to do that,” Michael said.

  “If it means you get the help you need, then how could I not?” I got up from my chair and went to the other side of his bed. “They will be fine. I promise.”

  “You can’t promise me that.”

  “Fine, but I’ll do my best to make sure they are fine until you come home.” I looked deeply at him, hoping he understood that I wasn’t lying, not even a little. “Michael, you have to give it a shot. Not just for them but for you.”

  “If you don’t go, then you go to jail. Either way, you won’t be here. At least be gone because you are getting help. Please, dad,” Dani pleaded with him.

  Michael laid his head back, closing his eyes. His body rose and fell back down slowly, his breathing rough. I used every ounce of hope I had stored in my body to pray for this man. He desperately needed to get better.

  “Okay,” he whispered. “I’ll go.”

  “You will?” Dani shrieked, tears streaming down her face. She buried her face in her dad’s chest and cried. “Thank you, Dad.”

  I smiled down at the two of them before leaving the room, giving them time. Matt needed to know this was going to get better.

  I went to the parking lot but couldn’t find him. I walked up and down the sidewalk, looking for any spot he might be hiding. But he was nowhere. I walked down the lot to where he parked, but a bright green jeep was parked in its place. Was I lost? I knew we parked here, where was the truck?

  I circled the entire parking lot, arms pimpled from the cold even underneath my jacket, my heels clicking on the pavement. The truck was nowhere to be found. It was gone, and so was Matt.

  I went back to reception, hoping they saw something. Saw anything. I put my hands on the counter, noticing they were shaking, but not from the cold.

  “Can I help you?” The lady behind the counter asked.

  “I was wondering if you’ve seen my boyfriend. We came in for his dad and I can’t seem to find him.”

  She furrowed her eyebrows before a lightbulb seemed to go off. “Tall guy, right? Dark eyes?” I nodded. “I don’t know where he went, but he left something. Are you Becka?”

  I knew my crease was back. “Yes?” She reached under her desk and pulled out my blue duffle bag.

  “He left this for you.”

  “What?” I grabbed my bag over the counter, so confused.

  She shrugged. “He came in and handed it to me, asked me to give it to his girlfriend.”

  My body went numb. He left me. I hadn’t been sure if he was really gone, but now there was proof.

  “Everything okay?” she asked, cutting off my panic.

  “Yea, everything is fine. Thank you.” I took my bag to the set of chairs in the waiting room.

  I pulled out my phone as quickly as I could. He didn’t answer right away. Five rings passed through my ears before I heard him.

  “Becks…”

  “Where did you go?” He didn’t say anything. “Matt? Where are you?”

  He sighed. “I just can’t, Becka. I can’t deal with this right now.”

  “I know it’s hard, but please don’t go.” There was nothing but silence. “Matt?” He still didn’t answer me. “Please talk to me.”

  “I…I just can’t.”

  My voice caught in my throat. “Please don’t do this.”

  “I’m sorry, Becks. I just can’t.” He ended the call.

  My chest hurt, a deep pressure setting in quickly. I grasped at the front of my dress, trying to loosen the space from cloth to skin so I could breathe. I was breathing, just not enough.

  He kissed my skin and told me he needed air. He said he would be back. He was supposed to come back. He wasn’t supposed to leave. He wasn’t supposed to leave me.

  “Becka?”

  I looked up and found Dani, looking at me anxiously.

  “Yeah?” I wiped my face, not even realizing I was crying.

  “My dad has to stay overnight, observation for his concussion. They are sending a shuttle in the morning to take him to the treatment center.”

  “That’s good,” I nodded. “That’s really good.”

  “Where’s Matt?” She looked around, trying to find him.

  “I don’t know,” I croaked out, trying to catch my breath. She sat down in a chair next to me, holding my hand. “He left. And he left my bag,” I choked back a sniffle. “He left my bag at the front desk.” Dani wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. I lost it. Tears came out of me faster than a hose. “He’s gone, Dani,” I cried. “He’s gone.”

  “He’ll come back,” she soothed me as best she could. “He always comes back, remember?”

  I tried to subdue myself, not wanting her to see me like this. This wasn’t about me; this was about Michael. I wiped my tears and us
ed all my energy to stop the new ones from coming.

  “So, what do we do now?” I asked. “About your dad?”

  “We can go home for the night. Just have to be back in the morning to say goodbye before he goes to treatment.”

  “Okay. I’ll call my mom and have her come get us.” I scrolled for her name quickly.

  “Becka, he’ll come back.”

  “Let me just call my mom. I’ll be right back.” I couldn’t talk about it.

  Mom was at the hospital in twenty minutes, looking frazzled and worried. She found me quickly, still hunched over in my chair trying not to hyperventilate in front of strangers. I had told her the gist of why we were there. She knew I wasn’t hurt, but I still looked bad.

  “Honey, are you okay?” she spoke softly to me.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Where’s Dani?”

  “She’s saying bye to Michael, telling him we will be back in the morning.” I grabbed my duffle and headed for the door. “Let’s just wait in the car.”

  We waited in silence. My entire body was numb, almost frozen.

  “Becka, where’s Matt?” Mom asked quietly.

  I stared out the window, looking back at the bright lights of the hospital. “I don’t know.”

  “He didn’t tell you where he was going?”

  “No, he just left,” I snapped, not wanting to talk about it anymore. It was hard enough to deal with it, talking about it was worse.

  We stopped by Dani’s and picked up a bunch of her clothes as well as Rocky. They piled back in the car and we made it home. It was well into the night, everyone else fast asleep. I liked the idea of sleep, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. Not in a long shot.

  Dani and I got ready for bed. She wasn’t saying much, but I got the feeling she needed to let it out.

  “Your dad is gonna be okay. He’s going to get better and he will be okay.”

  She pulled back the blanket, but the emotion hit her hard. She slapped her hand to her eyes and sobbed deeply. I pulled her onto the bed and wrapped her in my arms, letting her head fall on my shoulder. This was out of the ordinary for Dani, but at some point, everybody needs somebody.