by J. H. Croix
We piled into Tyson’s hybrid SUV once I’d gotten my stuff and locked up. It was a tight squeeze but we managed. At least we only had to do this once a year. Beau’s eyes, the same light blue as the sky outside, met mine in the rearview mirror from where he was sitting in the passenger seat next to Tyson. “You been good, bro? Feels like it’s been forever.”
“I’m good.” It had been a couple of weeks at least since I’d seen him. “Heard about your promotion, congrats.”
“Thanks.” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. This day was tough for all of us, no amount of small talk or distraction could take away from that. “Heard you’re taking over from Doc. Congrats.”
“Thanks.”
There might’ve been a time when I’d want to chat more, but it wasn’t this morning. Though I was close to my brothers in varying degrees, one thing we all shared was a comfort with not forcing conversation. I didn’t mind that a bit this morning. The marked contrast of my hazy, sensual morning with Marie and this was jarring.
Beau, Sonny and Tyson talked as we drove to the cemetery. Evan and I watched the greenery and the landscape roll by in silence, only exchanging a few words.
By the time we got there, we were all lost in our own thoughts. We parked in the small lot next to the entrance and grabbed the bouquets of flowers Tyson had in the back as we made the trek to our mom’s grave.
“Hey mom, miss you,” I said, laying my bouquet of sunflowers over the neatly kept patch of grass below the granite stone with her name carved into it. My brothers all whispered similar sentiments as they lay their own flowers down.
This part of the day was always quiet. Once we were done here, we’d go have lunch and slowly but surely, we’d come back into ourselves. But for now, we left each other pretty much alone as we each took a few minutes to think about our mom.
Tyson cleared his throat. It was his turn to say a few words this year. He stepped forward, his hands tucked into his pockets. “So here we are mom. Another year has gone by, some-fucking-how. We’re all here. All together.”
His eyes were shielded by his sunglasses, but his voice was thick with emotion. “This hasn’t been the easiest year, but none of them have been since we lost you. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you, so many thing I wish I could’ve gotten your advice about. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we miss you. And we always will.”
“You got that right,” Beau muttered and Evan nodded. Sonny sank onto his haunches, pushing his sunglasses into his hair.
“We love you, mom. But you keep resting in peace, okay? We’ve got this, don’t worry about us.”
Evan and I exchanged a look, but neither of us broke the silence. I didn’t know exactly what Sonny thought it was that we had, but I hoped it didn’t have anything to do with the conversation we’d had about our dad a couple of weeks ago.
Tyson nodded and bowed his head as if praying quietly. I didn’t know what that was about either, but I assumed it was a prayer for our mom. I did the same thing and waited as each of my brothers did his thing, paying our respects to our mom.
The mood was somber later when we left the cemetery, but two hours later we were all unwinding. We’d had a good lunch together, and I was enjoying the chance to have some quality time with my brothers.
Sonny cornered me at the bar when I went to get us more beer, curiosity burning in his eyes. “You seem different today. What’s going on with you?”
I briefly considered waving him off or telling him to mind his own business, but this was my brother and whether I liked it or not, my friend. I dragged a hand through my hair and looked at him from the corner of my eyes as I leaned forward on the bar.
“I went on a date last night. With that Marie girl I told you about last time. I had fun, that’s all. There’s nothing going on with me.”
“The new stylist at Sarah’s salon?” Sonny asked, lifting his foot to rest it on the railing beneath the bar, one elbow propped onto the wooden counter as he studied me.
“That’s the one.”
He nodded. “I’m glad you had fun. You deserve it, you worry too much about stuff. But I’ll look into her, okay?”
“Not okay,” I replied immediately. “I don’t need you looking into her. I’ll find out everything about her when she’s good and ready to tell me about it. I already know who she is to me, that’s all that matters.”
While I appreciated that my brother cared and, at times, found it convenient he could give me background on people, I wanted whatever was happening with Marie to unfold naturally.
Chapter Twenty
Marie
“Thank you so much again for watching him,” I said, glancing at Sarah. Austin had stayed the night with her and while he’d been excited to see me when I arrived, he kept gushing about how much fun he’d had with her and begged me to let him finish a puzzle he’d started before we went home.
I was sipping sweet tea with Sarah in her living room. Austin was situated in the far corner of the room with his face all scrunched up and the tip of his tongue sticking out as he concentrated. Sarah smiled at me, sitting back in her bright pink recliner.
“It was really no trouble, honey. He’s such a sweet boy.”
Austin hadn’t had many sleepovers, so I was relieved that it looked like he’d had a good time and he hadn’t been difficult. “Did he give you any trouble?”
Sarah shook her head quickly, her fiery curls bouncing around her shoulders. “No problems or trouble at all. You’ve raised him right. He’s well-mannered and so damn funny.”
“He is, isn’t he?” I smiled softly. I was proud of my boy, just like any mom was when people complimented her about her child. “I’m so happy he behaved himself. I was a bit worried about bedtime.”
She laughed, taking a sip of her tea and looking over at Austin fondly. “Not at all. He was exhausted, I think. Told me it was time for him to brush his teeth and change into his pajamas. I’d barely turned back the covers, and he was out like a light.”
“That’s good to know,” I mused, relieved that he hadn’t had any trouble getting to sleep. I’d been worried he would’ve gotten scared, but Austin seemed entirely at home at Sarah’s place.
She mistook my relief and grinned slyly. “I’m happy to watch him again if you want to go out with Jeremy. Any time.”
The mention of his name doused some of my happiness at seeing Austin and my relief over his having behaved well for Sarah. In the stark light of morning, I’d been determined to leave Jeremy’s before he even woke up, thinking that a clean break was best for both of us.
But he’d foiled that plan by coaxing me back into his bed. I didn’t regret what’d happened, not for a second, but I had to face reality. I had a child, and he’d said in no uncertain terms that he didn’t want anything to do with having children.
Nothing could happen between us again. I couldn’t allow it to. Last night had been so much more than I’d expected. If I were being bluntly honest, my attraction to him ran so hot, I’d wanted a chance to dive into it. Just once. Yet, I was unprepared for how reality stacked up to fantasy. Usually, it was the reverse. Fantasy collapsed against the weight of reality. My experience with relationships thus far had shown me that in flashing neon. I’d fallen for Wesley’s superficial charm, only to discover sex was ho-hum, and then the violence started.
I’d gone into dinner last night, thinking the hum of anticipation would fizzle. Instead, the second my lips met Jeremy’s, I’d all but caught on fire. Just thinking about it now, heat bloomed inside. But I couldn’t let myself want more. Austin was my priority, and I couldn’t even consider exploring something with a man who didn’t want children.
My heart couldn’t take it and the last thing I wanted was to lead Jeremy on. I could feel the pull inside, the wish we could have something more. I felt it this morning when it had taken everything I’d had in me to leave.
It would be too easy to fall for him. He was funny, sweet, kind, ridiculously attr
active, great in bed, and I was pretty sure he could read my mind. A few more dates and who knew how far I’d fall down the rabbit hole? But no, that couldn’t happen. No matter how much I wanted it.
I had Austin and on top of that, there was Wesley to consider. There was no telling what he would do if it ever got back to him that I was dating someone else. I was confident Jeremy would be able to deal with Wesley, but with Austin? It wasn’t even fair to think about asking him to accept my child when he didn’t want one of his own.
Shaking my head sadly, Jeremy’s handsome smile flashed in my mind as I looked into Sarah’s eyes. “No, I don’t think that’s going to happen. Thanks for the offer though.”
Her face fell, confusion knitting her brow. “I don’t understand. You were all smiles when you arrived and you look more relaxed than you have since you came back to town.”
“I know.”
I felt more relaxed too. One night in Jeremy’s strong arms, and I was ready to push my fears about dating and Wesley aside, if only our long term interests were aligned. “But he made a comment about how he didn’t want to bring a child into this world and… well...”
I didn’t have to say any more as my gaze wandered over to where Austin was playing. Sarah nodded slowly, sadness seeping into her expression. “I see, but I still want to hear all about it tomorrow or sometime when we’re alone.”
“We’ll talk about it later this week, okay?” I asked her, just as Austin punched the air and announced he’d completed the puzzle.
“Sure thing, honey,” she replied. “Let me help you get his things together.”
Together, we searched for all of Austin‘s things. He might only have stayed one night, but both of the bags I’d packed for him, one with clothes and toiletries and one with toys, were empty, their contents spread throughout Sarah’s house.
It took us some time to hunt it all down, with Austin and Sarah turning the search into a treasure hunt of sorts. Their goodbye was really sweet, with Sarah tearing up and Austin patting her on the head to soothe her.
“Thanks again, Sarah,” I called with a wave after loading Austin and all his belongings into the car. “I really appreciate it.”
Sarah wiped at the tear that was sitting in the corner of her eye. She tended to be emotional about just about anything. Good lord, she was about to make me cry. “It was such fun having him here. You two have a good day, and I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”
“Sure thing. Thanks, you too. See you tomorrow.”
We drove away from Sarah’s house, heading to an ice cream parlor nearby. The streets of Cypress Creek were quiet. The moss hanging from the trees blew gently in a soft breeze, and the scent of honeysuckle infused the air. Sunday afternoons were always lazy around Cypress, with most people having family picnics after church or just spending time at home.
Austin and I took advantage of the nearly empty parlor, getting a booth right near the all-you-can-add toppings. After a lunch of sandwiches, I let Austin pick out his favorite ice cream and even enjoyed some for myself. I wanted to spoil him a little for having been so good at Sarah’s house.
“We’ve just got to stop at the grocery store before we head home, okay buddy?” I asked as I helped him gather up our dishes to carry up to the counter. “Then maybe we’ll take a nap when we get home.”
Austin nodded enthusiastically and followed me out of the parlor, climbing into his seat in the back of my car. I buckled him in and turned it to his favorite station on the radio. My thoughts wandered to Jeremy again. After last night, he’d pretty much taken up a permanent parking spot in my brain. There was sex, and then there was what happened with him. Before last night, my well-hidden vibrator was the source of the best orgasms I’d ever had. But then Jeremy’s mouth drove me over the edge and just reliving the feeling of him sinking into me got me hot all over. With a shake, I forced my mind off that crazy track. I couldn’t sit around thinking naughty thoughts like this.
A wave of regret rolled through me. It wasn’t just about the sex. Jeremy was nice. He’d be a great catch for any woman. Yet, he didn’t want children, and I needed to remember that every single time my thoughts started drifting this direction. One night. I’d given myself one right. And what a night it had been.
After we got to the grocery store, we each got a cart. Austin got one of the smaller ones, mostly for him to feel like he was helping even though we never packed too much stuff into it. We were nearly all the way through the store when a hulking figure rounded the corner at the end of the aisle.
Blood rushed to my cheeks and my heart started pounding. As though he could hear it, the person turned and my suspicions were confirmed.
Jeremy.
His eyes found mine. Locked on them. I couldn’t look away. Even from this distance I could see the flash of heat in them the second he saw me, his lips curling into a stunning smile. Then his eyes dropped to Austin, standing with his cart right beside mine and confusion replaced the heat.
“Hey,” he said, walking right up to us. He moved to lean in and kiss my cheek, but I stepped back, glancing down at Austin.
Austin looked up at Jeremy curiously, completely oblivious to my sudden discomfort. “You’re really tall.”
To my surprise, Jeremy laughed. “I know. How are you, Austin?”
“I’m good. I built a puzzle this morning,” he told Jeremy, his little chest puffing with pride. Glancing up at me, he lowered his voice like he was letting me in on a secret. “Jeremy’s on the wrong side of twenty five.”
A shocked giggle fell from my lips. I’d seen Jeremy at the salon, talking to Austin and Sarah, and it hadn’t skipped my notice he’d been referring to Austin when he’d been talking about Sarah’s son the night before.
At the same time, Jeremy lifted his eyes to mine. They were filled with laughter as he told me, “And Austin’s five.”
“I… uh. I know,” I replied numbly. How was I supposed to handle this situation? I’d gone home to change my clothes and take another shower before collecting Austin from Sarah’s. Looking at Jeremy made me all too aware of the fact that only hours earlier, he’d been buried deep inside of me. He’d made me scream his name and forget my own.
I was mortified. I hadn’t been expecting to see him again so soon, and with Austin right next to me no less. Heat was spreading from my chest up my neck, the mother of all blushes creeping up on me. Jeremy’s eyed narrowed on mine for a split second, his expression puzzled.
“What you doing here with Sarah’s son?”
Austin’s eyes darted from me to Jeremy and back again as my scrambled thoughts fought each other for purchase until I finally blurted. “He’s mine, not Sarah’s.”
Realization lit up Jeremy’s eyes as the pieces clicked into place for him. “Ah. That actually makes more sense.”
I didn’t ask him why that made sense, I wasn’t thinking clearly enough for that. I was terrified he was going to be angry, that he’d think I’d intentionally misled him. I’d known I should’ve been honest with Jeremy, but I just hadn’t known how to be last night and now he was going to hate me.
Sure, I didn’t owe him anything. Even though I knew nothing was going to happen between us ever again, I still hadn’t wanted us to part ways like this. I knew how men reacted when they thought they’d been lied to, even when you hadn’t actually lied. Wesley had taught me well how much they hated that.
Jeremy was going to…
My frantic, escalating thoughts were interrupted by his low voice, smooth and still friendly. “How about I take the two of you out sometime when you’re free? I know this awesome place not far from here.”
My mind was blank, unable to comprehend what he was saying. Why wasn’t he pissed off? Why wasn’t he yelling at me for not clarifying Austin was my son and not Sarah’s? I was trying to make sense of it all when Austin spoke up next to me, his voice excited and eager.
“Yes. We say yes. Please say yes, mommy.” He tugged at my shirt, demanding my attention. When I look
ed down at him, his eyes were as wide as pools, begging me. “I love awesome places.”
I’d been planning to turn Jeremy down, but that one look at Austin, combined with the fact that he’d actually already said yes made me pause. Austin took my stunned silence as a yes and raised his hand to Jeremy for a high five before I could verbalize anything to the contrary.
“I love awesome places,” he repeated to Jeremy, who high fived him and grinned at me.
I bit back a grin because who didn’t love awesome places? I loved having a little boy who got excited at nothing more than a vague idea.
“So do I,” Jeremy said. “How’s your schedule look this week?” he asked, his eyes bouncing to me.
“I’m free on Wednesday,” I heard myself saying before I could stop myself. What the hell was I doing? What the hell was Jeremy thinking?
Jeremy’s hand curled around my arm, just above my elbow, squeezed it and smiled wide. “Wednesday it is. I’ll come pick you both up for a day out. I’ll call you with the time?”
I nodded absently, struggling to keep up with how fast this second date was being made. Wait, I didn’t even know if it was a second date. Was it? I wanted to bury my head in my hands and hide, try to figure out just what the hell was happening. I couldn’t let myself stumble into something that wouldn’t work for Austin.
Instead, slivers of hope and excitement slipped through the shock to lift my lips into a smile. “Sure. We’ll see you then.”
“Bye Marie. Bye Austin,” Jeremy said with a wink. “I’m looking forward to Wednesday.”
“Me too,” Austin called out, practically bouncing with excitement beside me. As we watched Jeremy walk away, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was only doing this to be nice to us.
Whatever his motivation, hope was bouncing up and down in my heart. Judging by the energy Austin was radiating, he was feeling it too. I loved seeing him excited. There hadn’t been enough in his life for him to be excited about.