by Eva Luxe
She hesitated. “Maybe,” she said.
“It’s not a no,” I said. “I’ll take it. I’ll leave tickets for you. Please, Sadie.”
“I’ll think about it,” she said and hung up.
I sat on my bed, staring at the phone, feeling like shit for various reasons. I couldn’t sit there forever, though. I had to get myself to a point where I would be ready for training later. I had to eat to get rid of the hangover as much as I could, shower to clean up when I smelled like alcohol and sex, and get in the mood to run laps.
A lot of laps. God, I really wasn’t in the mood.
I arrived at training in time, and as decent as I was going to get, considering how I felt. I felt drained. Nausea was still a recent memory, and despite taking pills, I couldn’t get rid of the headache.
Hanson grinned when he saw me. “You look rough,” he said.
I groaned in response. If he could see it, everyone else would, too.
We geared up and walked onto the field. Coach Rudi was already there.
“McMurray!” he called, and I jogged to him, trying to look as upbeat as I could. “Am I going to have any trouble with you today?”
I shook my head. “I didn’t think you usually had trouble with me, Coach.”
Coach sighed. “Don’t let your image become your downfall. What we look like to the public means a lot. I thought you had already learned from seeing what Hanson went through. You’re supposed to be my squeaky clean image guy, Brian.”
Oh. He was referring to the news. I was all over it now.
“Sorry, Coach.”
He shook his head. “The worst thing they used to have to say about you was that you must not be out of the closet yet, and that’s not even a bad thing. Now you go and give them a bunch of mud to ruck up. Do I need to get Lacey back here to sort you out, too?”
“No, Coach,” I said.
I wasn’t in need of PR help. I could handle my personal life just fine. The paparazzi were making me look bad. Hanson really had been running around looking for shit for a while. I hadn’t been doing that at all; I had just been minding my own business, living my own life— or trying to get my own life back— when I was unfairly targeted by the press.
“Get back on the field, and prove to me that you didn’t waste away your career with alcohol last night,” Coach said.
I told him I would and ran back to Hanson. I wanted to lie down on the grass and close my eyes, but that wasn’t going to happen. In fact, I would have to push harder than usual to make Coach happy.
And I understood where he was coming from, just as I understood where Sadie was coming from. It was undoubtedly hard to be with a football player who was always in the news— or to coach one. But my pounding head had no patience for the lecture Coach had just given me.
This just wasn’t my day, was it?
“I saw the article,” Hanson said when I joined him again on the field.
“There’s really nothing I can say about that,” I said.
“I just wanted to tell you, I get it, man. It’s hard. But fight for what you want and what you believe in. Trust me, that’s the only thing that’s worth it.”
I nodded. Hanson was a good friend, and his advice was sound. The problem wasn’t me. I wasn’t the one not fighting for what I wanted. I fought as hard as I could.
Sadie was fighting, but only to get away from me. If someone didn’t want something, there was only so much that could be done before it was over.
Chapter 26
Sadie
I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go see Brian again. On the one hand, I couldn’t forget the feeling that overcame me every time I saw Brian. Since I’d seen him on the field that first night after five years, that feeling had been haunting me. When we’d had sex, I’d realized what that feeling meant.
Wouldn’t it be a shame to throw all that away? You didn’t get that kind of attraction with just anyone. I was hesitant to label it, but that feeling meant something to me. If I decided not to go, I would be giving up on that feeling, and it was a very serious decision to make.
What if I never found that feeling again? What if no one else ever made me feel the way I felt about Brian? Even when he was a stranger to me, something about him felt familiar, comfortable. Something about him felt like home.
On the other hand, I didn’t know if I had what it took to ride the wave of infamy that came with being with Brian. Since we’d done anything serious, the paparazzi had picked up our trail, and now, no matter what we did, we were in the papers. I was struggling enough as it was. I didn’t need this kind of drama in my life.
Brian was a great guy, but I didn’t remember everything he did. It felt unfair to expect something so big from me, when anyone else in the same headspace as me would have an equal blank page to begin with. Even with Brian trying to get to know me just as a friend, he still had all the memories that I’d lost. Holding them back didn’t change the fact that they were there.
I felt like I was at a disadvantage with Brian because he would always know more about me than I knew about him. He would always expect it to be the kind of love he remembered us sharing. How would I know what that was? What if I ended up being one colossal disappointment? I didn’t know if I could handle that.
I phoned Lorraine.
“I don’t know what to do,” I told her. “A part of me wants to go. Another part wants to tell him to leave me alone and never come back.”
“Maybe you should go,” Lorraine said. “He’s really trying hard for you. You’ve pushed him away so many times. Any other man would have run for the hills, but he keeps trying. That’s got to mean something. I don’t know if I’ve ever loved someone enough to endure that kind of rejection repeatedly.”
The word love shocked me like a bolt of electricity. It shouldn’t have. I’d known since I picked him up drunk that he still loved me. It was the biggest reason I slept with him. Feeling that loved and feeling something similar for him made me close my eyes and jump, hoping he would catch me.
I never gave him a chance to prove to me that he could, though. Every time he was willing to be there for me, I was the one that ran away.
“Will you come with me?” I asked. “He’s arranged tickets for both of us.”
Lorraine agreed. “It will be cool to sit in the stands for a change and not be on the field or in the locker rooms.”
The game was at the Hard Rock Stadium, home of the Florida Sharks, and the atmosphere was electric. Everywhere, fans were dressed in the team’s aqua and orange colors.
I hadn’t dressed up. Lorraine had put on an orange top to join in the fun. I’d picked up the tickets from the ticket office, following the instructions Brian had sent me.
Lorraine took the tickets from me. “These are box seat tickets,” she said. “We’re watching in style today.”
I hadn’t noticed. Brian had gotten us the best of the best. I was starting to get excited. Box seats at a Sharks game, even though it was still preseason, was enough to get anyone worked up. I had expected it to be empty, but the stadium was slowly filling up.
We were escorted to our seats, and I burst out laughing. They were called 72 Club Living Room Box seats. The chairs were leather with brown partitions between the rows and television screens with the game up close while you could view the actual field from the 35-yard line. The seats were wider, with more legroom, and the seats had their own in-seat service.
When we sat down, someone came to take our food and drink orders. It included alcohol, and Lorraine and I both ordered wine.
I couldn’t believe it. Everything about Brian, all the way down to his football games, were the definition of luxury. I had never watched a game in style like this. It was new and exciting, and it made me feel like I was part of the rich and famous.
Hell, I was already in the papers like one of them.
“Hello,” said a woman seated to my left. She had a chubby, cherubic looking baby on her lap. “You must be Sadie. I’m Lacey, H
anson’s wife. And this is my best friend Kina.”
She held out her hand towards a woman seated on her far side of us.
“Nice to meet you,” I told her, as I introduced Lorraine and we all shook hands with each other.
And it really was. It was calming to know that other women did this crazy thing— dated a football player— and that sometimes it turned out okay. Sometimes they appeared to live relatively sane lives, with marriage and a baby included.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Lacey said. “And yes, it really is possible to date a football player.”
I laughed, loudly and freely for the first time in a while. I already liked this Lacey chick. And I was glad we had come.
The glasses of wine arrived. We watched as the seats filled with locals, wearing the fan colors.
I sipped the wine. Lorraine had ordered a platter when the wine arrived, and it was delivered soon after. We nibbled on the food and sipped the wine. God, we were living the life.
“You know what, Sades?” Lorraine asked. I looked at her. “I know this is hard and everything, but there are perks to dating a pro player. All of this is really nice.”
I laughed and nodded. “It is really nice. And you’re right about there being perks.”
“Uh huh,” Lacey said from beside us, winking at us.
Her baby reached out to take my hand, so I let him.
“Awww, what a cute little guy.”
“Thanks,” she said, with a smile. “But I’m not sure you’d say that while changing his diaper at three in the morning.”
“No,” I told her, laughing while I curled my finger around the baby’s. “I don’t think I would.”
My thoughts returned to dwelling on Brian. I didn’t tell Lorraine that the money and the luxury weren’t as important to me as the emotions behind everything. I was still unsure about what I felt, but we were having a good time, and the seats were amazing.
I told myself to just relax and have fun. But I never seemed to be very good at that and I was nervous about whatever was going to happen— or not— between Brian and me.
Chapter 27
Sadie
After a few minutes of staring ahead and willing myself not to talk about Brian, I couldn’t help but do just that.
“I just don’t know how to deal with all these stupid tabloid articles,” I said to Lorraine. “They’re driving me mad.”
Lorraine nodded. “I noticed that.”
She was referring to the night I took my mood out on the girls. Since then, they’d forgiven me, and I’d gone back to my normal training routine.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with them twisting the information like that.”
Lorraine frowned. “Can I be honest with you?” she asked.
I nodded. “Please,” I said.
I could really do with a little reality check right about now.
“Well,” she said. “I don’t mean this to come across wrong, but they’re not exactly twisting anything.”
I opened my mouth to argue. I was shocked.
“Don’t get upset yet,” Lorraine said. “Hear me out.”
I closed my mouth and bit my tongue.
“They caught you guys kissing on your patio, right? Well, that happened. And your sneaking out on him after you picked him up? That happened, too. Right now, you’re so up and down with him, you do look like just a fling.”
“But they made me sound like I was trashy,” I said because there was nothing else I could complain about. She was right.
Lorraine nodded. “Yeah, they could have worded it better. But imagine what it looks like to outsiders. Not just that, imagine what it looks like to Brian.”
I frowned. “Are you kidding me?” I asked.
Lorraine shook her head. “You’re blowing hot and cold with this guy all the time. You’re leading him on and dropping him. The papers are just calling it what it is.”
I was getting angry. “Those are big accusations,” I said.
“I know,” Lorraine said. “I told you I wanted to be honest.”
I wanted to tell her she was being a bitch, but I was starting to think maybe she was right. I hadn’t exactly been fair to Brian. He’d been more than nice to me, picking up the pieces every time I fell apart, dealing with me patiently when I got angry or scared and decided to leave. Come to think of it, it sounded a lot like what he did those first three months when I was impossible to deal with.
Was I still the same? That couldn’t be. But Brian was. He was solid and steadfast all the way through.
“What do you think, Lacey?” Lorraine asked, and I wanted to hit her.
I couldn’t believe she was inviting this near stranger into our conversation. But, knowing Lorraine, I know she probably just wanted some validation for her point of view.
“I happen to agree with you,” Lacey told Lorraine, after turning in our direction. She unwrapped a strand of her hair from the baby’s hand, since he reached for it once she turned.
Lorraine gave me a gloating expression, but Lacey added, “On the other hand, I see where Sadie is coming from. It’s hard work to date a football player.”
“Thank you,” I told her, looking satisfied. Kina looked over at me and winked, as if she was on my side, too.
“But if you really love someone, it’s worth it,” she added.
Well, dang. If she was going to start bringing up the “L” word, I wasn’t sure I had much to say back. I was pretty sure that what I felt for Brian was love, but I don’t remember experiencing anything like it before, so I’m not sure how I would know for sure.
“Besides, Kina and I are both PR managers,” Lacey continued. “And our job is to present to the public the side they want to see. I believe that when an athlete or other notorious ‘bad boy,’ or really any man at all, falls in love, our jobs are made much easier. Because the woman— or, being in love with her— usually naturally brings out the guy’s good side. In this situation, it is doing the opposite, though.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
Lacey cleared her throat, as if she was unsure how to continue.
“She means that you are really doing a number with Brian’s head,” her friend Kina piped up.
Everyone laughed, and I couldn’t help but join in.
“Hey!” Lacey interrupted. “Thanks for making me sound bad, Kina. I certainly wouldn’t put it that way.”
“I know, because you’re too nice,” Kina said. “But, to be blunt, Brian was always one of those alpha males who is definitely a bad boy— rough around the edges, drinks some and swears more, etc., but he is more quiet and reserved about it.”
“That’s true,” Lacey said. “I know Brian pretty well due to the fact that I happen to be married to his best friend, and he has always had this confident, yet stand offish and kind of grim personality. Almost as if he’s haunted. So, when you came back into the picture, all of us had hope. He seemed to have hope. But now he’s spiraling out of control because he doesn’t know where he stands.”
I sighed. That was sad. And I hadn’t meant for things to turn out that way. Life had a way of surprising me, all the time.
“Well, thanks everyone, for your insight,” I said.
“Aren’t you glad we could dissect your love life and give you our armchair advice?” Lacey asked.
Everyone laughed, the game started, and I pretended to watch intently. I didn’t know what to say to Lorraine. I used the game as a reason not to speak. Because she was right, and I didn’t want to admit to it. She read the articles, too, and she knew the inside story because of what I told her. She saw both sides of the coin. If there was anyone that could be objective, it was Lorraine.
Plus, now we had two strangers— Lacey and Kina— saying pretty much exactly the same thing. As well as pointing out that I had broken Brian’s heart once, without meaning to, and now I was doing it again. I felt a responsibility to make up my mind, once and for all.
The game was good. The Shark
s won. I expected they would. The screens in front of us replayed the highlights whenever they had a timeout. It was the best football experience I’d ever had.
But the whole game had been overshadowed by what Lorraine had said to me. Her words bounced around in my mind, and I went over them again and again, as well as the words from Lacey and Kina.
They were right. I knew they were. And that meant that I’d been playing Brian, even though I hadn’t wanted to. I pushed him away when I didn’t want him, and I expected him to come when I called. What did that say about me? What did that mean?
I knew how I felt about him. I knew how terrified I was, too. I never had any intention of messing with him this way. But in the process of trying to figure out what I wanted, I was pushing him around so much, and he was just patiently waiting for the person I used to be to come back.
That was my problem, though. I wasn’t sure that person would ever come back. And if she didn’t? Brian would have waited his whole life for nothing when he could have been happy with someone else.
I would never be the woman he expected.
Since the game was over, we said goodbye to Lacey and Kina.
“And bye, little Liam,” I said to the baby, tickling his cute chubby cheeks.
“Hope to see you around again soon,” Lacey said, as she left.
I said, “Likewise,” but my stomach was in knots.
“Where did he say he wanted to meet you?” Lorraine asked when everyone started to file out to the exits.
I shook my head. “I don’t think I’m going to meet him.”
Lorraine frowned. “Isn’t that what we came for?”
“It is,” I said, nodding. “But I can’t do this. I think it’s better if we just leave.”
I knew what she was thinking. I was doing it again, the thing that she pointed out before the game. But I had a lot to think about, thanks to her, and I needed to figure out what I wanted. I knew I was being a bitch all over again, but I needed some time to think.