by Charlie Cole
We walked out of the office after the call and I hung back to walk out with Jessica. She smiled at me.
“Thanks for including me on that,” she said.
“Oh, I was glad to do it,” I said. “You were perfect.”
“Yes, it looks like it actually worked,” Christine offered. She’d been walking out ahead of us, but couldn’t help but interject her opinion. “Congratulations.”
Christine gave me a pinched smile before she turned and walked away. Somehow I couldn’t help but feel like I’d won a battle but was losing the war with her. Like winning an argument with your wife… you don’t really win.
Standing next to Jessica, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d done some good though. I was getting the impression that maybe she trusted me a little, maybe even liked me a little. Not that I was hoping for anything. I just wasn’t looking for enemies.
“I really couldn’t have pulled that off without you,” I said.
“You would have thought of something,” she offered.
“I did. You were the best idea I’ve had all week.”
She smiled and we walked back to my office.
“I’d invite you in, but it looks like someone just moved in here,” I said.
“Yes, it does. Do you have plans for lunch?”
“To eat. Don’t know what… or with whom.”
“There’s a nice sandwich place on the first floor,” she offered. “Soup and deli sandwiches. If that’s your thing.”
That was my thing.
“I’ll be going at around 12:30 if you want to tag along,” she said. She wasn’t offering to buy, wasn’t even offering to let me buy. She was just putting it out there, one coworker to another.
“Sounds great,” I smiled.
We did have lunch together that day. Jessica paid for her meal, I paid for mine. We talked over ravioli soup and hot turkey sandwiches on fresh baked bread.
“So? Looks like your first day is going well,” Jessica said.
“I suppose.”
“You’ve got a submittal on your first day. That’s great!” Jessica had a lot of enthusiasm for the job, which was great. You had to have a passion for this business or it would eat you alive.
“Thanks,” I said. “So, tell me… about yourself. God, that sounded like an interview question…”
We laughed together at that and she took a bite of her sandwich. She was neat about eating without being dainty. I liked that.
“Sorry, it’s hard to shut off work sometimes,” I said with a smile.
She shrugged and swallowed.
“I’ve been recruiting for a couple years now,” she said. “Before that I was a working contractor doing research, competitive intelligence, business warehouse, that kind of thing.”
I was about to take a drink of my Coke and stopped.
“That’s what you do, not who you are,” I said. “What do you do when you’re not here?”
“Oh… well, I go to movies…” she began.
“What kind?” I asked. I didn’t mean to interrupt, but I was curious, wanting more than the glossed over, pleased-to-meet-you version.
“Comedies mostly, independent films…”
“Who do you like?”
“Christopher Guest is great,” she said.
“’Best in Show’,” I supplied.
“Right! Do you like him?”
“I’ve seen that. I enjoyed it.”
“He does good work,” Jessica said.
“Which begs the question… Dog person or cat person?” I asked.
“Both,” she sighed and laughed. “I’ve got one of each. Oscar and Felix.”
“Odd Couple. Very funny.”
“Neil Simon” we said, frighteningly near unison.
“So, what about you?” she asked.
“What about me?” I realized that my comeback might have sounded defensive. I was punchy. This was new territory for me. Unfamiliar. “Oh, dog or cat? Dog… I’m a dog person.”
“What’s his name?” she asked.
“I’m between canines at the moment,” I said. “Maybe once we’re settled in the new house.”
“We? So, you’re…” she didn’t know how to finish the sentence. Which was the safer side to land on? Married or kids? Or both? I decided to bail her out and not let her hang.
“I have two kids, David and Melissa,” I offered.
She smiled and my heart warmed a little. It would’ve been an easy time to give an “oh how nice” and never mention it again if she were put off.
“How old?”
“Six and four,” I said. “Good kids.”
“You’re married?” she asked. Her voice wavered as if any answer would be acceptable.
“Was. My wife… passed away,” I said. My voice got quieter than I intended. “How did you—?”
“Your ring finger,” Jessica said. “No ring, but still a mark there.”
She was observant. I liked that even more.
“Yes,” I said. “Yes, there is. New start. New town.”
I smiled at her and she returned it back to me.
“Are you?”
“Married?” she snorted. “Ah, no. Happily divorced. I only wish he was dead… Oh my God, I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have said that! I didn’t mean-”
“It’s fine.” I said and managed to chuckle at her discomfort. “Things didn’t end well I take it?”
“Ah, no,” was all she said, so I let it drop.
“I’m sorry to hear that... this is great place, though. Thanks for suggesting it,” I said, trying to be upbeat.
“Nice segue. Very smooth,” Jessica said and shot me a killer smile. She saw right though me. Had to love that.
“Yeah? Best I could come up with.”
We laughed and talked our way through lunch that day. And the next. And the one after. We were fast friends and worked well together. Turned out her sister had a couple kids, but Jessica had not. At one time she alluded to the fact that there may have been a baby once, but because of complications she’d lost the child. In the end, she had no children. Only the love for them.
The possibility that her ex-husband had left her because she couldn’t carry a baby seemed to loom over Jess. Nothing specific that she ever said. It was one of those things we talked around rather than through. But I got the feeling that she needed an anchor. Someone to be a friend. And at that time in my life, that’s all I wanted, too. A friend.
In the weeks that followed, Christopher Swenson interviewed for the Project Manager position with the Department of Homeland Security. He passed the security background check, the drug screen and the financial audit then was reinstated with his Top Secret clearance after taking the polygraph exam. I saw him in the Chicago offices with his new security pass clipped to his jacket. I said hello to him that day and we chatted for a moment. He was happy to be working outside the purview of Blackthorn and the truth was, so was I.
I never thought I could admit it to myself. Never thought that after what had happened in the past months, I’d ever be in a position… ever allow myself to be happy again. But this job, in this town, with these people… I could disappear here. Settle in and let the lights and the noise and the work and the family time wash over me and immerse myself in a new life. If I could do that, then perhaps, I could be happy.
Out there, down the road was the promise of happiness again. A time where I could live my life without a second thought. Without fear and recriminations and nightmares around every corner. I could see it then. Life with the family. Driving the kids to school every morning, being home for dinner every night, reading them a story before bed. Letting them grow up and watching them mature into their own people.
Nothing would ever tear me away from the life we were building here. At last, I’d put that life behind me and could look ahead with a sense of hope.
Or so I thought…
Chapter Six
I was in the kitchen when I heard the screaming and I knew I had to act
quickly. I reached for the cutting block and pulled out the biggest blade I could find, a Henckel chef knife. I turned, put my shoulder down and pushed open the swinging door as I burst into the dining room.
I was greeted by the resounding blaaaaaat of the kids’ party horns. David and Melissa were seated at the table, party hats askew on their heads, laughing at the horrendous noise they’d just made. David’s hat kept slipping back on his head and the rubber band would roll up his chin and snap him under the nose, thus the screams I’d heard a moment before. He’d try to keep the band in place by pursing his lips or “making kissy faces”, as Melissa put it, but inevitably the snap would come, followed by the exaggerated howl of mock pain.
“Anyone want cake?” I asked, holding up the knife. I was met by a resounding “YES!” from the kids. Alaina had been keeping them busy for as long as she could but was close to rolling her eyes at the kids, which I’d come to learn was a clue that I’d better move things along.
David and Mel were two years apart, but their birthday dates actually fell within three days of each other, so we often combined birthday parties. Claire had been hinting that we’d need to split them up as they got older, eventually let them each have their own party. It had been two years since Claire had passed and for better or worse, I’d kept to the tradition of the shared birthday, keeping the kids together, keeping the family together.
Jessica appeared in the doorway behind me, carrying the cake, candles lit. The room went quiet at the sight of her. At least it did for me. The light flickered across her face, caressing her cheeks, giving her skin a warm glow. I enjoyed having her in my home, with my family, but wondered if they felt the same.
Jessica noticed that all eyes were on her, not just on the cake she was carrying, but on her. This was the first time I’d brought her home to meet the family and I realized that my timing was perhaps not the best. I shouldn’t have eclipsed the children’s party with introducing Jess to them, but somehow, it seemed right to me. Maybe that’s just what I told myself to make it feel okay. Maybe that’s actually the way it was. But it felt right having her here. I’d known Jess for nearly a year and a half now. It was right for her to be around my family.
To break the ice, Jessica began to sing. Softly at first in a voice almost like a little girl she began to sing “Happy Birthday to You.” I joined her immediately and a second after, Alaina joined us. I put my hand on Jessica’s back and gave her a smile of encouragement. Melissa’s eyes were bright and dancing with excitement. She was bouncing in her seat, clapping her hands in a soft little pitter-patter of anticipation. David was in awe, his eyes fixated on the candles, wide in wonder. We wrapped with a hurried “Happy Birthday, David and Melissa… Happy Birthday to You!” and a shout of victory went up. The children blew fiercely and the candles were vanquished. I stepped in with the knife to slay the beast… or at least to serve the chocolate cake.
“You’ve got a nice voice,” I said over my shoulder to Jess, but she scoffed.
“My mother has a nice voice,” Jess replied. “But I didn’t inherit it.”
“I thought you were in the choir when you were a kid?”
“Yes,” she replied. “The part about ‘making a joyful noise’ was for my benefit. I sing in the shower but that’s about it.”
I made a mental note to check into that later, but decided to move on. I was serving cake around the table, the children first, then Alaina and Jessica. Jess squeezed my shoulder as she took the plate from me and sat down. Alaina jumped up and announced that she needed to go to the restroom and disappeared down the hallway. I shot Jess a quick look.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’d better wash up myself. I’ll be right back.”
Jess didn’t have to say anything, but her eyes told me the whole story. She was trying to fit in here and while David and Mel seemed to go with the flow, Alaina wasn’t quite so resilient. Part of my reserve in bringing Jessica home was out of fear of reaction from the family. And Alaina was sometimes more my family than I realized.
I followed her down the hallway and called after her in stage whisper that sounded ridiculous to my own ears, but I didn’t know what else I could do.
“Alaina? Wait a second… Alaina!”
She turned around at the end of the hallway, just before she reached the backdoor. She was upset. I could tell. I had seen enough women in my life that were upset with me to know to know that she was one of them.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she shot back at me. She answered too fast, too sharply for it to be the truth and she knew it. I stood back and looked at her. Her arms were crossed, her face dark with emotion.
“Really? It’s nothing?” I scoffed.
Alaina’s face held defiant for a moment then crumbled and she let out an exasperated sighed.
“Alright…” she said. “I guess she’s…” Alaina gestured toward the dining room where Jessica was entertaining the kids and they were giggling. “She’s… she’s great, okay? She’s just not… not…”
“She’s not Claire,” I offered. I didn’t know if my answer was right or not or sensitive or not, but it was the truth and I hoped that Alaina could see that.
“No… she’s not,” Alaina said and for a moment I envisioned her as my own daughter and how life would be when Melissa was older.
“That’s true,” I confessed. “And I’m okay with that.”
Alaina looked at me quizzically.
“I’m not trying to replace Claire, okay?” I said. “I’m not trying to find a mother for David or Melissa… I’m not trying to replace you… I’m just trying… I’m just trying to be happy, Alaina. I’ve spent a lot of time being unhappy. And I didn’t like it much. I didn’t like what it did to me. What it did to us… So, I want to be happy… and right now, more than anything, I need a friend… okay?”
Alaina had the hint of a tear in her eye and I didn’t want to get her started. She nodded and hugged me. We were okay, I thought. We’d be okay.
“No promises,” she said, but her voice was light and sweet.
“No promises,” I agreed. We walked back to the dining room together just in time to see Jessica blowing on Melissa’s stomach and making her shriek in laughter. “Although she does do that extremely well…”
Jessica shot me a withering look that told me to shut the hell up and I took her hint. She could hold her own, hold a tune… and hold onto me… She was someone I wanted in my life.
Later, after the presents had been unwrapped and the plates cleared, Jessica decided it was time for her to go. Alaina caught Jess in the doorway and thanked her for coming and gave her one of those hugs that only women can seem to pull off with one another. David and Mel joined quickly and hugged Jess, each one latching on to one of her legs.
“Can you come over next week?” David asked.
“And we can have a tea party and dress up my dolls and watch Dora the Explorer and finger paint and…” Melissa kept talking and Jess kept listening, but looked up at me and smiled warmly. I shrugged. This was my life and what I’d come to realize I’d truly wanted.
They said their good-byes and I walked Jess to her car.
“Thanks for coming,” I said. I couldn’t help but smile when I looked at her.
“Was it okay?” she asked. She saw the kids and Alaina watching from the door and waved at them. They waved back and Alaina gave us a little grin, pulled the kids inside and closed the door to give us a moment of privacy.
“Was it okay that I was here today?”
“I couldn’t imagine it without you,” I replied.
“You’ve got cute kids…”
“Want them?” I asked.
Jessica grinned, blushed and looked away. I wondered if I’d said too much, crossed a line that I shouldn’t have. We’d been fast friends at the beginning and it had only grown since then. We stood there in the August heat, letting the warmth of the day hang between us, clinging to us, holding us close.
“
It was perfect having you here,” I said, hoping to add some finality to my approval. “You’re the best.”
Jessica smiled and I enjoyed just watching her. The dimples in her cheeks as her smile spread. The way she pulled her hair back over her ear when it fell into her eyes. Suddenly I felt like we were standing closer together than we had a moment before and I wondered who had moved, her or me.
“You really ought to give them separate birthday parties,” Jessica said offhandedly. “They’re old enough… they’re their own little people now, you know?”
I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. Jess saw me floundering. She reached up and put a hand on my cheek and gave me a quick peck on the lips. It wasn’t our first kiss… Our first kiss had been in a stairwell at the office. We’d paused for a moment, passing each other on the stairs and stopped to talk. She had told me that she was sorry that she hadn’t emailed me the night before and I’d told her it was fine, it was nice to see her just then and before I knew it… before either of us knew it, we kissed. Oh God, the scent of her… I hadn’t been that close to someone in a long time. It was gentle and soft and kind and when it was over, although little had actually happened, we struggled to compose ourselves. It was difficult not to share smiles with her through the rest of the day.
But now, it was just a peck and she got into her car. She fired up the engine and rolled down her window.
“Alaina doesn’t like me, does she?” As she asked the question, she was putting a green fabric band in her hair, pulling it back into a ponytail. I’d bought it for her just months before and I still loved the way it looked in her hair.
“Alaina… likes you,” I replied. “More than you know.”
Jess looked at me suspiciously, not sure if she should accept my answer or not. I could have let it drop at that but decided to complete my thought.
“It will take time, but you know what? We have time.”
“We do. We’ve got time,” she said and I kissed her again, lingering more this time. I realized the kids might be peeking through the curtains, so I broke away.
“See you later, Simon,” Jessica said.
“Later, gator,” I replied.