“Now you’re being dramatic,” I whisper back. “Caleb worships the ground you walk on.”
“He did,” Mason concedes. “But he’s his own man now; he won’t need me as much as you think.”
“He’ll need you more than you think.” I put my arms around his waist and rest my head on his shoulder. “I know you’re having a hard time coming to grips with this, even though you’ve had months to prepare, but remember, you have me.”
Menace
Months to prepare. If Rina only knew. I had eighteen years to prepare for the boy turned man in front of me to leave, but faced with it in this moment; I realize it wasn’t long enough. I hold onto her, my anchor in this storm of emotions rioting through my body.
I’d asked him numerous times if he wanted me to go with him to Tuscaloosa, and he’d declined the offer. Saying all he was doing was reporting for summer workouts, he’d be staying in student housing, and there was no reason for me to drag ass there until he was in his dorm when the school year started. I’d fought against it every time, but eventually I had understood; he wanted to do this on his own, wanted to depend on himself, prove to himself he could get around in a place he’d only been a few times. Prove to me he could take care of himself. My fingers grip Karina tighter as Jess steps away from his embrace, gives us a wave, and runs to her car. Given the redness of her cheeks, it’s going to be a few hours before she’s finally calmed down.
“I’ll call her later and make sure she’s okay,” Rina is telling Caleb as he walks toward us.
“Thanks Kari, you’ll never know how much I appreciate it.”
She breaks from me, throwing herself into Caleb’s arms, burrowing her head into his shoulder as the man I raised from an infant holds her tightly against him. There are slight tracks down his cheeks, and he holds her head in the palm of his hand as she presses herself to him. Since the day she took care of him when he was sick, they’ve had a special relationship, and it’s easy to see how much this is killing them too. “Take care of my dad,” I hear him whisper to her. “Make sure he’s happy, don’t give him enough time to be sad.”
“Hey.” I step up. “Don’t you worry about me. I’ve got life here to live, you concentrate on keeping that scholarship and kicking ass on the field. Your room is always open, anytime you want to come here and use it.”
He lets go of her, standing in front of me. The son who fit on my forearm now stands in front of me, the top of his head at my vision line. He almost caught up with me before he stopped growing, but he’ll definitely be more muscular than me when all is said and done. Looking at him, it’s like looking into a mirror, seeing myself at his age, but seeing his future much brighter and full of hope than mine had ever been. For years I’d worried that I’d made the wrong decision when he’d been born. Maybe I should have given him up for adoption, let someone with more money and time than I had raise him, but in the end, I realized nobody loved him as much as I did. No one could, and I’d been happy with my sacrifices, had gladly made them. The pride I feel staring at my son right now is beyond anything I can describe. He and I? We made it. We made it through high school without him replicating my path, and the future is so fucking bright, I have to squint. I truly don’t think there’s ever been a prouder father than I am right now.
The two of us stare at each other for what feels like forever, then I open my arms like I used to when he was a kid. His eyes take one look and he falls into me, wrapping himself around me like he did then. I can hear sniffles from my left, and I know that Rina is losing it as she watches the two of us embrace out here for God and everyone to see. I’m about to lose it too as he tightens his grip around my waist, resting his forehead on my shoulder.
“You’re gonna be…” my voice cracks as I try to give him reassurance. “You’re gonna be fine, Caleb. You’re gonna do amazing there.” I clear my throat, trying to push back the tears I feel threatening to spill. I’ve never held my emotions back from my son, he’s the one person who’s needed to see them, and I’m proud I’ve raised one who doesn’t shy away from his feelings.
“What if I don’t?” His voice is quiet and deep at my ear, full of self-doubt, and holds the tiniest hint of the little boy who asked where his mom was and why he didn’t have cute cupcakes in the second grade when all his friends did.
I stiffen my lip and tell him now the same thing I told him then. “They ain’t any better than you are, Caleb. Nobody works as hard as you do, and nobody knows what sacrifice is more than you. Work hard, be a good person, and remember your manners. That’s all you concentrate on. You need me? I’m a phone call away. I can be there in a few hours. Do not,” I grasp his hair in my hands as I say these words, emphasizing again. “Do. Not. Hesitate. To. Call. Me.”
He swallows, I can feel the motion against my shoulder, can feel the wetness staining my t-shirt where his face is buried. “I won’t.” His voice is muffled.
“You get in trouble, you call me. You need money? You use that credit card in your wallet; I’ll take care of it. You miss us? You come home. It’s easy as that, Son. There’s nothing there that you don’t have here, a few hours away.”
“I’m gonna make you proud, do the shit I shoulda done instead of embarrassing you last year.”
I pull him away from me, wiping away the tears streaming down his face. We haven’t been separated since my deployments, and given our history with those, I know why he’s scared and I know why I’m taking this so hard. “You’ve never embarrassed me, never. If anything, I probably embarrassed you with those ugly-ass cupcakes I took to your classes when it was your birthday. God, they were so bad.” I laugh through my tears.
“You still remember that?” He laughs too, using his arm to wipe his nose, scrubs his hands down his face. “They were really bad, Dad, but then I remember you weren’t much older than me, and I can barely cook Ramen Noodles.” He laughs. “The thing that’s always mattered is you were there. Nobody else was, but you stayed. You didn’t abandon me when it would’ve been easier. And you dealt with all those looks, every time we did something and no one believed you were my dad. When I had that appendicitis at ten and the doctor waved you off, saying you were being paranoid. When I got my heart broken for the first time and you told me it was okay to be upset. When you listened to an ungrateful little shit few months ago, who didn’t know what the fuck was going on in his head. You didn’t let me stray, you stuck by me. I love you, Dad.”
For a few minutes, I stare at him. Remembering this moment in time before everything changes and give myself a pat on the back for getting him here. There was a village. From my mom, who helped us whenever she could, to coaches, to Violet and the guys from the MTF, and especially Karina.
“It’s your time now, make me proud.” I cup his neck, forcing him to stare at me. “Have fun, but not too much. Study hard, but not all the time, and enjoy yourself.”
“You too, Dad.” His eyes flit to Karina. “Let me know when the wedding is.” He gives us a smartass grin.
“Get outta here.” I hug him one more time, before he bends down, hugging Karina again.
“I’ll text you when I get there, let you know what house I’m in and stuff,” he promises as he walks to his truck, loaded down with all he’ll need.
“Please do.” Karina worries at my side; I can feel her wringing her hands as I sling my arm around her shoulder, letting her bury her face into me. Before she inhales deeply and then forces herself to watch him go.
As we stand and watch his truck drive away, neither one of us move. We stand there for probably fifteen minutes after we can no longer see it. “He’s gone,” she whispers.
“C’mon, let’s go inside, figure out what we’re going to do.” I hitch my head toward the house.
“Ice cream,” she mumbles. “I need to drown my sorrows in lots of ice cream.”
“And beer,” I add. “Beer, ice cream, and Netflix. Today we wallow. Tomorrow we go do something fun,” I promise as I kiss her head.
�
��You know it’s okay to wallow for a few days, right?” Her fingers fist in my shirt. “I can’t even imagine how that felt for you.”
I’m still trying to process it, but I know it’ll be good for him, I know he’s going where he needs to. Those thoughts though, they don’t ease this ache in my chest.
“One day at a time, Rina. That’s all I can promise.”
She grabs my hand entwining our fingers.
“We’ll do it together, big guy. Always together.”
Always together. During the hard times, I’ll hold onto the words, and the memory of the pride I felt when I watched my son take his first step into adulthood and independence.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Menace
June
Karina is meeting with up with some of her fellow teachers today at the high school. She mentioned something about helping to purge and clean some of the older rooms. They’ve been doing it for a while, a couple of the times some of the guys from the police department have been asked to go out and help move stuff, but I’ve never been one of them.
She looks cute as she’s ready for her day, with her hair pulled back in braids, a hat over her head, a pair of old shorts, and one of my old t-shirts. I reach up, tugging on one of the braids. “Have fun today.”
She gives me a look, one that says kiss my ass, before she grabs me around the waist.
“I’ll see you later.” She kisses me, squeezing the flesh of my stomach, before we part ways for the day. “Tell Caleb I miss him. I hope you two have a great day together.”
“Ouch woman, that fuckin’ hurt.” I rub my side where she’d grabbed my fat.
“That’ll teach you to pull on my hair.”
I give her a hot grin. “Sometimes you like it, babe. Don’t even act like you don’t.”
A grin plays along the corner of her lips too, but she doesn’t say much. “Have fun with Caleb,” she ends up telling me, as she puts her hand on the doorknob.
Conceding I won this battle of smartass comments, I blow her a kiss. “Will do, don’t work too hard.”
“Oh, trust me.” She gives me a wink. “I won’t.”
I give her a tap on the ass as she leaves. As I watch her back out of the driveway, I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. Today I’m taking my son with me to do something I never thought I would do, but I know I want him with me when it happens. Flipping my keyring in my hand, I grab my wallet and hit the road for Tuscaloosa. It’s going to be a great day.
* * *
Caleb is waiting out in front of the student housing he’s been assigned to as I pull up. It takes everything I have not to open the door and embarrass him in front of anyone who walks by. I’ve missed this guy, more than I can express. As he hops in, I can’t wipe the smile off my face.
“So what are we doing today?” He hands me a cup of coffee, much like the days of us living together.
Quickly I take a drink. “Damn, Son, nobody makes me coffee like you do, I don’t know what you do differently, but not even the cups Rina makes me are as good.”
He gives me a wink. “It’s my little secret.”
A part of me wants to know what that secret is, another part likes that we share something like this together. Back to his original question, I drop what’s kind of a bomb on him. “I want to pick out an engagement ring for Rina, and I want you to help me. That cool with you?”
His surprised gaze clashes with mine, a wide smile brightening his features. “Are you serious?”
“Living with her has made me realize how much I love having her around. I don’t see that ever changing, and I want her to be a part of our lives forever. I want her to be our family. But I also want you to be okay with it. If you aren’t, please tell me.”
Waiting for what feels like forever, he rubs at the stubble on his chin. “Do you know how popular I’ll be in the locker room when I tell people she’s my stepmom?”
I can’t help but laugh when, as usual, he breaks everything down to the clearest of detail. I don’t know why I worry about what his reaction will be, because he always surprises me. Caleb takes things in stride more than most adults do, and it’s one of the things I love most about him.
“Do you know how proud I’ll be when I tell people she’s my wife?”
“Dad, I’m happy for you. Please don’t get married without me.”
Pulling my Jeep into the traffic, heading toward the nearest mall, I give him a glance over my sunglasses. “Are you serious? I want this to happen soon, but there’s no way in hell it’s happening without you. You’ve been a part of every major change of my life. This is no different. Plus, what a douche move, to include you in picking out the ring and then not inviting you to the wedding? What kind of a dad do you take me for?”
“A fucking amazing one.” He laughs as we pull into the end of the mall that has a fancy jewelry store.
“Let’s go get this ring and grab some lunch, I’m hungry.”
He rubs his stomach. “I could eat.”
Which we both know is a lie. Caleb could always eat, even if he had just eaten a large pizza by himself. Hooking my arm around his neck, I pull his head down and run my knuckles over his hair as he laughs. These are the moments I’ve missed with him being gone, but as long as I can have days like this, I know without a doubt I’ll be fine.
* * *
We’ve been in the jewelry store for over forty-five minutes, but nothing is jumping out at me. The sales girl has been nice, giving me my space, but it looks like she can’t take my indecision anymore.
“What metal are you looking for? That would at least narrow down your options. You look so confused, sir.” She gives me a look of sympathy.
I motion Caleb over. “What metal do you think Rina would like.”
“What’s her personality?” the sales girl asks.
“She’s a bit of a smartass,” Caleb is quick to answer. “Nice, smart, cares about the people she loves, but she’s classic too. She’s got a beauty that comes from the inside.”
Caleb is half-way in love with Rina. I realize it right now, but I know it’s a platonic kind of love. “What he said, and God, she’s just gorgeous. Everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman.”
“Do you have a picture?” she asks.
I dig my phone out of my pocket, showing her a picture we took last week.
“Oh my, she is beautiful. With her coloring, I think she’d look best in rose gold. Why don’t you come over here and let me show you what we have? From there, you can make a decision.”
When she opens the case for us and I’m confronted with these rings, a contentment settles in my stomach, a peace. These are it, any of them are, but now that I feel that peace, I know Caleb and I can pick out the most awesome ring ever.
Karina
“How did we get stuck doing this?” Trinity, the new librarian who’ll start in August, sighs as we move our mops and buckets to the girl’s locker room.
“It’s basically community service for the school. I was indoctrinated when I started, so they asked me to ease you into it. Honestly it’s not that bad, and I think it makes teachers more aware of what the janitors have to go through. At least I feel like I pay more attention and do my best to help out when I now know what it takes just to clean a portion of the school.”
She holds the door open as I push the mop and bucket in. It’s hot out here. There isn’t an air conditioner, and I wonder how the girls survive this, but then again they’re younger than I am too.
“How did you and your boyfriend meet?” she asks, as she dips her rag and gets to work wiping off the lockers.
“On a dating app.” I can’t help the smirk. “He had the sexiest picture as his profile. I always thought that he was catfishing me, but then I met him for dinner and saw he was just as hot in real life. We moved in together not long ago.”
Trinity makes a noise in her throat. “That’s romantic, I wish shit like that would happen for me. I’ve not been lucky in love, ever.”
She laughs.
“How old are you?”
“Just turned twenty-one. I graduated high school early.”
“What are you? Like a prodigy?” I gaze back at her, going to one of the seldom used supply closets out here to wipe down the walls and make sure there’s no leaks from the roof.
“You could say that.” She shrugs. “I’m smarter than average, but I was home-schooled so this will honestly be my first foray into high school life.”
My eyes are wide as I look at her. “Oh honey, this is definitely going to surprise the hell outta you.”
“I’m ready for a change.” She pushes her hair out of her face. “Really ready for a change.”
“You’ve come to the right place.”
Taking my rag, I start washing the wall, but as I keep going, I hear water dripping from somewhere. “There’s a leak in here, wonder if it’s in the roof.” I grab my phone, turning the flashlight on, trying to look and see if the tiles are discolored.
Trinity comes over, listening with me. “It’s definitely going behind the wall, but I don’t see any discoloration.”
“Me neither.” I take a look at it again, trying to figure out where the sound is coming from.
“Karina, it’s not going all the way down the wall,” she gasps, pointing at the wall.
“What?”
Then I see what she’s telling me, the water is running down only so far, until it’s making it’s escape behind a crack, which makes no sense because I don’t actually see where the wall separates.
“I’ll hold the light, you see if you can get your fingers in there,” I tell her as we crowd around, me holding the light over her head, her crouching and trying to peel the wood back with her fingers. Just as I think we’re about to give up, the wood gives way. “What’s in there?” I ask as she lifts a full piece of it away from the whole wall. Her head is a good portion in, as she glances down.
Menace Page 15