by Sophia Renny
“I know what you mean.”
He glanced at her, eyebrows raised in silent question.
She pressed her lips together, searching for the right words to say. “It’s only been in the last three years that I’ve learned how to talk about my own…pain. I’ve finally learned what it means to take each day as the blessing it truly is and live my life to the fullest.” She flushed. “A cliché, I know.”
“But it’s so true. You wrote something like that in your note.”
She frowned in momentary confusion, and then groaned. “Oh, that note. Were you totally shocked when you read it? You must’ve thought I was crazy.”
“No. I thought I was going crazy. I had to read it several times before realizing I wasn’t hallucinating.” He gave her wicked grin. “I’d never been propositioned by a lady before.”
“I was so nervous. I was half afraid you wouldn’t knock on that door and half afraid you would.”
He flipped his hand over, palm up, and interlaced their fingers. “Do you remember what I said to you? About finding me in the right place and at the right time?”
“I remember everything you said that night.”
He brought their entwined hands to his mouth, kissed her fingers. “I had just decided only a few weeks before that night that it was time to get into the dating scene. That was why I’d gotten tested, though it seemed unnecessary. You were the first woman—and the only woman—I’ve slept with since Rachel.”
Her heart somersaulted. “Really?”
“Really.”
She bit her inner cheek, a hundred questions simmering inside of her.
He brought his head down to hers; his lips grazed her ear as he whispered in a sinfully soft growl. “You were worth the wait, sugar. I only have to close my eyes and I can still feel your wet heat around my cock, your legs wrapped around my back. The sounds you made that night have played a feature role in all of my sexual fantasies since then.”
She gave a little gasp, felt her face turning a dark crimson red.
He chuckled against her ear. “Damn, I love that blush of yours.” He groaned. “Oh, Maggie, Maggie. That night was so incredible. I’d never experienced anything like it.”
She leaned back to look him straight in the eye. She was shocked. “But… what…even with…?”
He nodded. “That was the guilt you heard in my voice. I’d never imagined that I would find anything to equal what I’d shared with my wife. Never wanted anything beyond what I had with her. In that sense it was a betrayal of sorts—comparing what you and I shared with how it’d been with Rachel.” He clutched her hand in a tighter grip, compelling her to understand. “I loved Rachel. She will always be a piece of me. But I didn’t realize anything was missing until I held you in my arms for the first time. What Rachel and I had…” He searched for the right words. “It was like your favorite pair of shoes, the ones you wear around the house and in the yard until they’re raggedy and scuffed and, even then, you just don’t want to toss them out. Because they’re comfortable, they’ve melded to the soles of your feet, they’re…easy. With Rachel, everything was easy. We met in college and it just clicked immediately. There was no fuss, no angst or drama. And we just eased right into marriage.” He smiled in reminiscence. “I’m not saying it was perfect. We both had our moments. Rachel could be a real spitfire. And I can be stubborn and controlling, I’m warning you now.”
Maggie gave a soft huff of laughter. “None needed. You were, um, pretty demanding that night.”
“That’s the thing. That second time I took you… I’d never been that way before. And I wanted more, Maggie.” He briefly closed his eyes. When he opened them again they were flaring with the memories of that passionate night. “I want so much more. Things I’ve only imagined doing before, but never put into action.”
She couldn’t speak. The heat of his gaze had sucked all of the air out of her lungs.
“I don’t want you to misunderstand me,” he continued, his voice almost harsh with the sincerity he wanted to convey. “It wasn’t just the sex. There’s something about you that…pulls me towards you. I don’t know what name to give it except that it’s astonishing and powerful. Do you feel it too?”
“Will you folks be wanting dessert? I’ve got people waiting to be seated.”
Jason blinked. He looked away from Maggie with clear reluctance. “No, we’re finished,” he said to the hovering waitress.
She slapped their bill down on the table. “You can pay up at the front. Thank you.”
“What time is it?” Maggie asked as they left the diner.
Jason glanced at his watch. “Almost three thirty. Getting sleepy?”
“No.” She heard the surprise in her voice. “I should be.”
“Times Square is just around the corner. Do you want to see it?”
“Yes!” She hooked her arm through his, gesturing for him to lead the way. “I’ve never been to New York before, can you tell?”
“The quintessential small-town girl in the big city.” He smiled down at her. “What do you think so far?’
“It smells.”
He threw his head back and laughed.
“I love your laugh,” she said, recalling the first time she’d heard it.
“I love your honesty,” he replied, still chuckling.
“Do you live in the city?”
“Yes. I have an apartment in Chelsea. Nothing fancy, but it’s convenient.”
“You mentioned that Rachel would take the train in…”
“We had a country home upstate. I sold it three years ago. How about you? Do you live in Des Moines?”
“In the suburbs. I bought a condo last year. It’s my first home. I love it. The neighborhood is full of trees and open spaces. The air is clear.”
“You live alone?”
“Yes.”
“Does anyone in your family live nearby?”
“Oh, wow, this is amazing!”
They’d rounded a corner and there it was—the brilliant light and color of Times Square. She stood still, feeling shell-shocked from the kaleidoscope of sights and sounds around her. “Don’t they ever turn the lights off?” She wondered, not expecting an answer. “And who are all these people? It’s almost four o’clock in the morning!”
“You’re in the city that never sleeps, hon. Come on.” He drew her forward, guiding her around groups of gawking tourists, street hawkers, a work crew paving over a pothole, police officers on foot patrol. “Let’s go sit up there where you can soak it all in.” He pointed to some illuminated red stairs that ran up one side of the TKTS booth.
She followed in a daze, staying close to his side as he walked up to the top row of steps and tugged her down to sit beside him. After several minutes of gawking like the rest of the tourists, she became aware that Jason wasn’t looking at anything or anyone but her. She glanced up at him. “Thanks for bringing me here.”
“You’re welcome. I usually avoid this area like the plague. But everyone needs to see it at least once.”
“Do you like living in the city?”
“My company is headquartered here. But, no, I can’t say that I like living here. I enjoyed living outside of the city and taking the train in when I wasn’t traveling. I’d like to find a home like that again, maybe something in Connecticut with a little bit of land, a place for the kids to run around.”
“That sounds nice,” she said wistfully.
His expression was gentle. “I can’t help but notice that you change the subject every time I ask about your family.”
She knew her face looked guilty. “That obvious, huh?”
He nodded.
She pressed her lips together, glanced away for a moment before meeting his eyes once again. His expression was nothing but kind, receptive to anything she had to tell him. She took a deep breath. “There’s someone I want you to meet,” she murmured. She pulled her wallet out of her purse, took out a picture and handed it to him. Her hands shook slightly as she
put the wallet back in her purse. She tucked the purse under her legs and then clasped her hands in her lap, her thumbs rubbing together nervously as she waited.
Jason studied the photo closely before giving her a quizzical look. “Is this your mother?”
Her mouth had gone dry. She licked her lower lip, cleared her throat. “No. That’s me.”
“You?” He looked at the photo again, then back at her. “I don’t believe it. This looks nothing like you.” To her relief there was no derision in his voice, only befuddlement.
She flattened her palms together, held them pressed between her thighs. In spite of the warm night, she shivered. Hearing Dr. Moira’s voice in her ear, she took several deep, calming breaths before speaking. “It’s best if I start at that very beginning, to help you understand who that girl…who I was. How I became that person you see in the picture.”
“Okay.” He set one hand on her knee, a gesture of comfort and encouragement.
“My parents married young, right after high school He’d gotten her pregnant. The way he tells it, my mother’s father forced them to get married. There was no love in that marriage. A few months after my older brother was born, my mother began having affairs—all of this I learned secondhand from my father’s mother, so I’m not sure how much of the story is exaggeration and how much is truth. But I was the result of one of those affairs, or, according to my fath—Hank—more likely a one-night stand with some drunk my mother doesn’t even remember.”
“Hank sounds like a real winner. How old were you when you found out?”
“I was around five or six year’s old the first time I remember him calling me a bastard. He was screaming at my mother, calling her a cheating slut, a whore.”
Jason clutched her leg. “Did he hit you?” His voice was icy calm.
“No. He never touched me at all. I mean, never touched me once in all the years I lived in that house. He never held me in his arms when I was a baby, never rocked me to sleep when I had a nightmare, never hugged me when I got straight A’s in school. To him I just didn’t exist at all.”
“What about your mother?”
“She was hot and cold. When I was a little girl sometimes she’d shower me with hugs and kisses, buy me pretty dresses. Looking back I realized that she was just using me to goad him, to remind him that he wasn’t the only man she’d been with. Mostly, though, she just ignored me, especially after I started to gain a lot of weight.”
“What the hell? Why didn’t they divorce each other? And where were the grandparents? Child protective services? There was no one around who could’ve removed you from that environment?”
“Let’s just say his parents weren’t good people. They died within a couple of years of each other. They were both alcoholics. And her parents moved to Florida when I was ten and never looked back. Hank and Fran—my mother—divorced about five years ago, long after I’d moved out of the house. I left the day I graduated from high school and haven’t been back since.”
“Jesus, honey. I’m so sorry you went through all that. Here, give me your hands. You’re shaking.” He’d tucked her photo in his jeans pocket. He took her hands and held them pressed together within his own. “What about your brother? Where’s he?”
She made a derisive sound. “Like father, like son. Phil took his cues from Hank. He pretty much ignored me. He was two years ahead of me in school. He would just watch when the other kids taunted me about my weight. A few times he joined in.”
“Son of a bitch. I want to tear him apart. Where is he now?”
Tears came to her eyes. It was the first time in her life that a man had come to her defense. It was a deeply powerful emotion, this feeling of being protected, championed. “I don’t know. I don’t care.”
“Hey, now. Don’t cry. You don’t know what it does to me when I see your tears.” He released her hands to pull her into a tight hug.
“I’m not crying about my past,” she insisted. “These are tears of relief. I was really nervous about sharing all of this with you. You’re reacting a lot better than I expected.”
He drew back, put one hand under her chin and lifted her face to his. He studied her features, eyes narrowed. “Did you think I’d be disgusted by your story? By the way you used to look?” Seeing the unspoken confirmation in her eyes, he took her face between his hands, frowning fiercely. “None of that crap matters in the here and now, Maggie Rose. Don’t ever feel that I think any less of you because of your parentage or because you used to be overweight.”
A deeply-seeded bitterness, one she and Dr. Moira had analyzed over and over, shoved its way to the surface. “You wouldn’t have given that fat girl a second glance if it’d been her sitting in the bar that night. Admit it.”
He looked almost livid now. “No. I wouldn’t have. But not for the reasons you’re probably thinking.” He let go of her face and retrieved the photo from his pocket. He thrust it in front of her. “You called this someone—like she’s a completely different person. And you know what? She is. My first reaction wasn’t that she’s fat. No, I was thinking that this is a girl who doesn’t love herself, a girl who’s profoundly unhappy, maybe someone who used food for comfort. Believe it or not, I’ve known many very attractive women over the years who were on the heavy side, some extremely so. What makes them attractive, Maggie, is that they clearly like themselves, they carry themselves with pride. They don’t give a shit that they don’t fit some media-hyped mold. That’s attractive. Don’t put me in some box of stereotypes you might have inside your head. Yeah, a lot of guys are superficial assholes. I’ve never been one of them.”
She took the photo from him, looking at the person she used to be. She was quiet for several moments. She felt his agitated breathing and understood just how much she’d offended him with her foolish assumptions. “I know, Jason. I know. That was a stupid thing for me to say. You didn’t deserve it.”
He said nothing as she put the photo back in her purse. She glanced at his profile. He still looked upset. She put a hand on his arm. “Were you never teased or bullied in school?”
He gave a short, scathing sound. “Yes, as a matter of fact. I wore braces and glasses all through grade school. I was called Four Eyes and Metal Mouth more often than my own name.”
“Something tells me you didn’t turn the other cheek.”
His expression softened. He gave her a sideways smirk. “Let’s just say I spent a lot of time in detention for fighting in the school yard.”
She hooked her arm through his, propped her head against his shoulder as she looked straight ahead. “I wasn’t able to fight back. I’d become so used to hiding from Hank and Fran at home that I did the same thing at school. I buried myself in my books and homework, and I pretended that I couldn’t hear what the other kids said about me. I thought things would be different in college. But pretty much everyone there just ignored me. I can’t say which was worse, the verbal abuse, or being made to feel like you just don’t exist at all. Almost everywhere I went it was like I was invisible. People looked away from me or right through me like I wasn’t even there.”
Jason clasped her hand with his, tilted his head to rest on hers. “What made you…change?”
“I’d tried to lose weight over the years.” She gave a brief, cynical laugh. “I’m a wealth of information when it comes to diets, Jason. I’ve tried them all. But I never addressed the root cause of why I’d put on all the weight in the first place. My first year in college, I got a job at the student recruitment office. It was a behind the scenes job, putting together all the promotional materials. I liked that job and stuck with it after graduation. My co-workers there, aside from a few snotty interns, were nice to me. But I watched them get promotions or eventually leave for bigger and better things while I just stayed in my little corner, day in, day out…slowly dying inside. Then I became friends with another girl, Sarah, who managed all of the campus events. She was the first real friend I’d ever had.” She swallowed, fighting to keep any t
race of self-pity out of her voice. “She confided in me one day that she used to be overweight, too. She told me about this therapist in Des Moines who specialized in treatment of women with weight issues. Sarah kept pushing me to see her and I finally got up the courage to make an appointment. And…well…the rest is history.”
Jason was silent for a few minutes. Then he pressed a lingering kiss against her temple. “There’s a lot of hard work and struggle and pain in those last four words, Maggie Rose.”
She gave a soft sound of agreement. All of that pain was worth this moment, being here with this amazing, wonderful man.
“Sarah sounds like an angel. I’d like to meet her.”
“You almost did. Not that I would’ve been sitting in that bar if she’d been with me.”
“What do you mean?”
“She was with me or, rather, I was with her in Chicago. She now works as an event manager for an information technology company. They were having their bi-annual sales conference at that hotel. Sara invited me at the last minute to help her onsite. We were both going to stay an extra night in one of the hospitality suites the hotel sales manager had provided complimentary to the group. Her boyfriend showed up that afternoon and they went to stay in the city instead.”
“Aha. That explains why the hotel couldn’t give me the name of the person who’d reserved that room.”
Maggie lifted her head to look at him askance. “They shouldn’t have given you any information at all. That’s confidential.”
“I sweet talked the girl at the front desk into showing me the folio. There was no name on it. Just VIP, master account. She wouldn’t tell me anything more and I had to rush to catch my plane. I’d been kicking myself ever since. I should’ve changed my flight, taken the time to dig deeper.”
“This really is a miracle, isn’t it,” Maggie said in amazement. “Us finding each other like this.”