His face softens, and the sharp edge to his voice fades. “Why didn’t you ring me? How could you just get on a flight without talking to me? Did you think about how I would feel? We could have come up with a plan together. Something less dangerous than…” He furrows his brow. “What did you do exactly? How’d you find him?”
I take a sip of my shake, trying to look as casual as possible. “I asked Lorenzo to get me a meeting with Carlos, then I begged Carlos to tell me how to find Max. He told me. I made a pit stop in Vegas for a makeover, then drove to Tucson to get Max.”
His eyes go wide. “Bloody hell, Lily, you’re mad. Certifiably mad! You could’ve been killed!”
I roll my eyes. “I was fine.”
He looks down and runs his fingers through his hair. “Do you know what these men are like?”
“Of course I do. I’m not an idiot,” I snap.
“Really? If they had caught you, what do you think they would have done to you?”
“I lived through Charlie, remember? I know exactly what they would have done to me.”
“Just last month, they captured a blogger who wrote about crime in Mexico. She never once blamed it on the cartel, but they still took offense. They tied her up, gang raped her daily, and emailed videos of it to her father. For fifty-seven days—one day for each blog post—that’s what her father woke up to. When they finally decided to kill her, they dropped her in a tub of lye. They scooped up the goo and mailed it to her parents, along with a DVD of her death.”
I cover my food, the sight of it making me ill. “Oh my God.”
“Six months ago, they captured the girlfriend of a wealthy business man. They gave him thirty days to pay them three million dollars. They tied her up in a dirty basement and beat her, raped her. He paid the money, but he didn’t get her back. The cartel sold her to some sick bastard who likes to torture women before fucking them. By the time Interpol tracked her down, she was dead. I’m worth thirty times what that bloke’s worth. What do you think they would have done to you? They know you’re with me, even if you don’t. You’d be an excellent acquisition for them.”
I cover my ears. “Stop! Just stop!”
He crouches in front of me and pulls my hands away. “No, you need to hear this! Do you know what it would have done to me if something had happened to you? Especially with the way we left things? I wouldn’t recover. You need to think about that the next time you run off to play hero! It would decimate me if they ever got their hands on you.”
Tears stream down my cheeks as I scream, “Max’s cover was blown! He was a sitting duck. I had to get him out of there. If he died because of me, it would decimate me!”
He lets go of my hands and steps back. “That’s what it’s always about, isn’t it? You needing to live your life the way it suits you. Never about us or the life we’re building together. It’s all about you. I guess that’s the difference between us. I see us as a partnership, and you still see us as separate entities.”
I jump out of my seat. “I had no idea if we were even together! You had just walked out on me!”
“I have one bloody bad night and you think I’d throw it all away? Do you honestly think I’d end our relationship like that?”
“What was I supposed to think?”
His face turns red as he throws his hands in the air. “You’re supposed to think that I love you! You’re supposed to know that I’d never let you go without a fight. You’re supposed to understand that I can’t imagine my life without you. It’s inconceivable to me that after all we’ve been through, you still don’t get it!”
I don’t hear Gavin raise his voice very often, and the depth and tenor of it rattles me. With clenched fists, he storms into the living room and looks out the window. From the way his shoulder blades rise and fall, I can tell he’s fuming. Somehow I’ve become the bad guy.
With his back toward me, he says, “We have one fight, and you accept our relationship is over. Without giving it a second thought, you pack up and leave. You were willing to throw us away so easily.”
I lean back in my chair and replay the conversation in my head. I just lived it, and I still feel as if I need a map to follow all the twists and turns that discussion took. He’s not wrong. I make decisions about my life and don’t always take into consideration how it will impact our relationship. I never paused to think about how he would feel about my plan to save Max. It never even occurred to me that he could or would want to help me.
I’m independent and always have been. A natural byproduct of losing my parents so young, I suppose. It was one of the reasons why Ash and I worked. He lived his life, and I lived mine. I needed nothing from him, wanted nothing from him, which was perfect for him, because he had nothing to give me. When I saw people in relationships where their lives were intertwined, bound by codependence, I’d think how lucky I was not to be tied down.
Looking back on it now… god, I was a fool. I wasn’t autonomous—I was just alone. Ash didn’t respect my independence. He took advantage of the fact that it never occurred to me that I deserved better. Gavin wants it all, and I’m not sure I can give it to him. I’m not sure I know how to be what he wants.
I cross the room and lean against the window next to Gavin. “I’m sorry. I’ve never had anyone I could ask for help, so it never occurs to me that it’s even an option. I’ve never had to worry about how my actions affected anyone, because there’s never been anyone who cared enough about me to let my actions affect them.”
“Well, you do now,” he snaps. “The question is, do you want someone to care about you? Do you want to share your life with someone?” He rakes his fingers through his hair. “Maybe you don’t. Maybe you prefer to be on your own.”
His eyes meet mine, looking for assurances, but he closes his eyes and looks away. Apparently he didn’t find what he was looking for. I’m blowing this, and I have no idea how to fix it. I don’t know how to give him what he wants.
“I hate this feeling,” I say quietly. “You’re ten feet away, but it still feels like there’s an ocean between us.”
“Welcome to my world. You always feel just out of reach.” He turns from me and walks to the sofa.
“It’s not intentional, I swear,” I say as I follow him.
“I believe you, but the ‘I don’t know any better’ excuse only goes so far. At some point, you need to make the choice to let me in. Not because you’ll hurt me if you don’t, but because you want me there.”
I crawl into his lap, then lean my head against his chest. His arm curls around me, holding me close. I pull his hand to my chest, covering my heart. “I want you here.”
His heart pounds in my ear. The rhythm is hypnotically soothing. After all the drama and chaos of the last few days, being in his arms feels so good. My body relaxes into his, and I feel all the tension start to fade as I close my eyes. The peace is temporary, though. Until Gavin and I work through this, the angst will still fester under the surface.
“I love you, and I want this to work more than anything. I promise I’ll try harder,” I say.
“And Max?”
I wince. “I was hoping you’d forgotten about that.”
“I don’t expect I’ll forget seeing my mate kissing my girlfriend any time soon,” he growls.
“Max had a moment of temporary insanity. I promise once the adrenaline high comes down and he takes a nap, he’ll realize he was just caught up in the moment.”
“I helped him out with the nap part. Hopefully the pain he feels every time he blinks will remind him to keep his hands to himself.”
“I don’t think that’ll be a problem.” I shudder and gag. “Kissing him was just wrong. But then again, kissing anyone but you is wrong.”
He kisses my forehead. “Best you remember that.”
I smile at him. “As shocked as I was that you knocked him out, I have to admit, that was kinda hot. The whole caveman thing.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Oh yeah?”
�
�The club sex was hot too. I wish it were motivated by different reasons, but at the time, I thought it was hot. Broody and possessive looks good on you.”
He lifts me out of his lap, then nods toward the dining room. “Go finish eating. You’re going to need your energy.” He winks, then walks to the bedroom.
“Where are you going?” I ask.
“Shower,” he calls over his shoulder.
Hmm, cold burger or Gavin? Not even a competition.
Chapter Nineteen
“What were we fighting about again?” I ask, out of breath. After rolling around the sheets for hours and seeing stars four—no, make that five times—we’ve come up for air.
“I can’t recall, but I never want to have another row with you,” he says, smiling. “I can’t bear to be away from you for that long again.”
“No more oceans between us,” I promise.
He lets out a quiet laugh. “Yes, luv. No more oceans between us.”
Gavin pulls me closer and kisses me. Our kiss deepens, and despite feeling sore, I’m eager for him again. Our tender moment is disrupted by a loud knock on the door and shouting from the hallway.
“Urg, what now?” Gavin groans as he gets up and puts on pants. “Stay here.”
My libido is disappointed, but my slightly overused girly parts are relieved by the interruption. In Gavin’s absence, I try to doze. That goal is cut short when Em storms into the room. “You need to get the hell up and referee out here!”
Max. I search for my clothes, but I’m fairly certain they, along with the complimentary robes, are strewn about the living room. One of the few things I learned in college was how to make a fantastic toga, so a minute later, I storm into the living room in my sexy sheet dress. Em is separating Max and Gavin.
I use my fingers to whistle. “Enough, children. Someone want to tell me what’s going on?”
“Nice toga,” Em says with a smile. Things must not be that bad if she can stop for compliments.
“Thank you. Max, what are you doing here?”
Gavin looks hurt that I chose to hear Max out, and he stomps off to look out the window.
“I needed to clear things up with you,” Max says. He grabs my hand and looks deeply into my eyes. “Lily, I don’t love you.”
I let out a deep laugh. “Yeah, I could’ve told you that.”
He gently takes my elbow and drags me to the sofa. “I took the job in Tucson after I heard some horrible chatter about what the cartel had planned for you. That bastard who kidnapped you may not have been theirs, but Rafael had something worse cooking. I needed to get in there and take the fuckers down.”
I throw my arms around him. “I love that you love me that much,” I whisper.
He gently pushes me back. “Just let me finish, okay?” I nod, and he continues. “You were all I thought about while I was working. When you showed up, I think everything got jumbled. I get really into character when I’m on the job, and sometimes it can be hard separating what’s real and what’s not. I think I just got caught up in the moment. You and me, we’re tight, but we’re not right for each other. Not in that way. I’m sorry I let the lines blur.”
That’s a relief. I don’t have enough friends to lose one to unrequited love. “The whole experience was so emotionally charged. It’s understandable that we got caught up in the moment.” By “we”, I mean him, but I’ll take some of the heat if it means I can get out of this awkward conversation.
“But you have to admit, we were fucking hot together. I mean, that kiss,” he says with a huge smile. “I kept delaying our exit because I wanted a little bit more.”
Damn it, Max, you don’t know how to quit when you’re ahead.
Gavin growls from across the room. He looks at Em. “You don’t have a problem with this?”
She scoffs. “One, I have no reason to have a problem with this. I don’t have a horse in this race.”
Gavin and I roll our eyes. I know she’s just putting on a show. Em couldn’t possibly let someone think she has real feelings for them.
She counts on her fingers. “And two, Lily is a spectacular kisser. No arguments from me there.”
Oh no, she didn’t!
“Emily Harrington!”
“Oh, I must hear about this,” Max says, practically bouncing up and down. “Are there pictures? Video? How often does this happen?”
Dear lord, he’s like a kid on Christmas.
“Yes, Em. Do tell us all about how good a kisser Lily is,” Gavin chimes in.
I seriously doubt he’s thinking about Em and me kissing, but I can guarantee he loves making me squirm.
“Oh, my lips are sealed. I don’t kiss and tell,” Em replies with a wink.
“Subject change, please,” I beg. “Max, you don’t love me, so can we be friends again? Gavin, can you and Max be civil now?”
“G-man, really, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking,” Max says.
Max extends his hand as a sign of peace, but Gavin folds his arms across his chest, showing no sign of accepting the olive branch.
“I’ll get over it. I’m still bloody pissed at you, but I’ll get over it,” Gavin relents.
Max shoves his hand into his pocket, trying to recover from Gavin’s rebuff. “You did knock my ass out. That has to get us closer to even.”
Gavin’s face turns hard. “Not even close. Best you remember that.” Gavin walks to the bar, pulls out a bottle of scotch and pours a finger’s worth. “Anyone else?”
“Hit me,” Max says.
Gavin flips over another glass and pours. “Don’t tempt me.”
Max holds up his hands. “Just a joke, man. I remember you used to have a sense of humor.”
He hands Max his drink. “What happens now? Do you go back to DC? ” he asks, ignoring Max’s comment. His tone’s still curt. I can’t tell if he’s asking because he genuinely wants to know what’s going on with his friend, or if he’s trying to figure out how fast he can get Max and me in different time zones.
Max eyes Gavin while he sips his drink. I suspect he’s thinking the same thing I am. “I’ll go back and tell them I was made and needed to make a quick escape. They probably have enough to go in and make arrests.”
I should have accepted that drink. “Max, that could be very bad for me. You realize that, right?”
“No, I don’t. You won’t explain it to me, so how can I know?” Max slams his drink on the table.
In less than three seconds, my friend who was all apologies and love morphs into the hardened agent who’s still very much pissed at me. The instant change makes me wonder if his apology was genuine or if it was just a way for him to get me talking to him without Gavin knocking him on his ass. I know how seriously Max takes his job. He wouldn’t hesitate to manipulate me if it helped him get his collar.
“Cool it, Max,” Gavin warns.
“I don’t know what you expect me to do! I’m an FBI agent; they’re bad guys. I’m supposed to put them away. Did you really think you were going to pull me out and I would turn a blind eye to everything I know? They put drugs on the streets, Lily. I know for a fact they sell to children. I saw a fourteen-year-old junkie who they’ve now wrangled into prostitution to pay for her habit. They need to be brought down. How do you not get this?” He’s shouting, and his face is red with anger.
“I don’t know,” I scream. “I don’t know what the answer is!”
Am I buried so deep in this that I’ve lost sight of who’s a villain and who’s a hero? Am I so worried about my self-preservation that I can justify leaving drug dealers on the streets? What the hell has happened to me? I thought I’d saved myself when I made my deal with Carlos, but all I did was sell my soul to the devil.
Max continues. “Lily, I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but you need to come clean now. This game you’re playing is dangerous, and you’re out of your league. You could’ve gotten us both killed last night. Who knows how many more lives you’ve put in danger. How many othe
r lives do you have to risk before you put your ego aside, huh, Lil?”
His words cut like a knife. Not because they’re harsh, but because they’re one hundred percent true. How could I let things get so out of control? How could I have been so naïve that I thought I’d handled the cartel? The lines between right and wrong have become so blurred. I’ve justified my actions because my life is on the line, but was there a better way? I’ve had tunnel vision this whole time, convinced that my approach was right and ignoring all other possible options. I’ve put so many at risk because I rationalized that my way was the right way. Guilt overtakes me as I reach my breaking point. Sobs erupt out of me; I couldn’t contain them if I tried.
Gavin and Max start screaming at each other.
Em steps between them. “Max, you crossed a line. I don’t know what’s going on here either, but this isn’t the way to handle it.” Em orders, “Let’s go. Now.”
“I’m not leaving until she fills me in,” Max says, standing his ground.
My sobs are wild and uncontrollable. I couldn’t respond even if I had something to say. Gavin picks me up and smoothes back my hair. I lean my head against his chest. He carries me to the bedroom and slams the door.
Max is still yelling about answers, but my weeping drowns him out. Gavin cradles me in his arms, whispering soothing words, and lets me get it out. I needed this release, and he recognizes that. Through the door, I can hear Em coaxing Max out the door. From the crashing and banging I hear, he’s literally kicking and screaming.
Once the tears stop, I feel hollowed out and void of emotion. I’m raw, and the nerve endings are just under the surface. One scratch, and the wounds will open again. I’ve exhausted all my energy, but I can’t sleep. Gavin keeps holding me in our big bed overlooking the Strip, stroking my hair. Listening to his heartbeat keeps me from thinking about anything. Eventually, it lulls me to sleep.
I wake up with Gavin still wrapped around me. Poor Gavin hasn’t moved in hours. He’s going to have a massive case of pins and needles when he wakes up. I try to untangle myself from him, hoping he’ll fall into a more natural position, but he grabs me and pulls me back to him.
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