“I’ll try,” I reply, knowing I may not be capable of keeping my word. I don’t even know where to begin.
He cups my cheeks and looks into my eyes. “You’re not alone,” he says. “You’ll never be alone.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
As perfect as New Year’s Eve was, New Year’s day is one calamity after another. I’m woken by something dripping on my forehead. A faulty pipe leaked and flooded the bedroom. The carpet, and bedding are all ruined, not to mention the whole wall needs to come down to fix the pipe. Instead of spending the day with friends, Gavin and I are stuck home with the plumber.
Gavin’s swamped with work. Not only is the gala coming up, but apparently he’s acquiring a new company. It sounds like he’s going to be working sixteen to twenty hour days, and I shouldn’t expect to see much of him. He called Audrey, his decorator, and set up a meeting, but made it clear he needs me to manage it from here on out.
The next morning, she drops by with fabric samples. After Willis sends her up, I open the door. She looks confused. She steps back and double checks the apartment number. “I’m sorry, I must have the wrong flat. I’m looking for Olivia, Gavin Edwards’ girlfriend. Are they on this floor?”
O’s like a cockroach. No matter what I do, I can’t get rid of her. “Right apartment, wrong girlfriend.” I hold out my hand. “I’m Lily.”
Audrey drops the sample book, and covers her mouth. “How embarrassing. I’m so sorry. Olivia was my contact during the remodel. She oversaw the whole project. Well, until the last week or two anyway.” She shakes her head. “You probably don’t want to hear about that. I’m sorry. I’m making an ass of myself.”
I pick up her book and gesture for her to come in. “Don’t worry about it,” I say hiding my irritation. “O was acting as his assistant at that time. Getting him coffee, picking up his dry cleaning, that sort of thing. I’m sure she was lending a hand while he was in the US with me.”
She walks in and takes off her coat and rests it on the back of the sofa. “Oh. For some reason I thought she was his girlfriend. Maybe I was confused since she had a key, and he trusted her to make decisions when he couldn’t be reached.”
I wouldn’t put it past O to tell people she and Gavin are together. “Honest mistake,” I say trying to be polite. I point to the hallway that leads to the bedroom. “Why don’t you inspect the damage, then we can get started.”
Once we are able to move past the awkward introduction, Audrey and I work together well. We quickly pick new bedding, carpet and paint colors. Presuming the contractors show up on time, the room should be good as new by the beginning of next week.
After she leaves, I pack up and head to a meeting with Poppy to discuss the gala. The most complicated thing I’ve ever planned is a sorority party, which is the easiest thing to throw together. One trip to Party City and the liquor store, and poof, you’ve got a party. Gavin’s event is really a week-long schmooze fest for all the rich and beautiful people. It’s filled with teas, cocktail parties, outings, and it concludes with a black-tie gala.
When I offered to help, I thought I’d be hanging balloons or showing people where the restrooms are. Oh, no. Poppy, the despot event coordinator, rules with an iron fist and will not accept anything but one hundred percent focus and dedication. I thought I’d signed up to help, but what I really did was enslave myself. For the next three weeks, I’m her bitch.
Poppy puts me in charge of finalization duty since I have an “all-access pass” to Gavin. Somehow it’s my job to get Gavin to sign off on the things she either can’t get him to agree to or is afraid to talk to him about. Most of the time, he has more questions or needs more options, and it becomes my responsibility to come up with solutions. With how busy he is, finalization is not an easy job. We barely see each other, and when we do see each other, I’m pestering him about seating arrangements or color schemes. Giving up sex to talk swag bags is simply unreasonable!
During our discussion last night, Gavin told me he didn’t like the programs, so I have to work with the graphic designer to come up with new options. I spend five hours trapped in an office with a guy who seems to be averse to showering, but I think I’ve got it the way Gavin wants. I’ve never valued fresh air as much in my whole life as when I open the doors to that office and escape the toxic stench.
My jubilation is cut short when I see Gavin and Skanky McCumbucket coming out of a hotel.
His arm is around her, and he’s whispering something into her ear which makes her stop and look at him. I know that look. She’s lost in those hypnotic sapphires. He keeps talking to her and holding her hand! O tries to walk away, but he pulls her back into a tight embrace. What the hell! They break apart, and they’re holding hands again. Smiles turn into laughter as he leads her back into the hotel.
How can this be happening? Is he really doing this to me again? How could I just stand here and watch it?
In Vegas, he had me utterly convinced that she was out of his life. That he wanted nothing to do with her. I believed every single word out of his mouth. Have they really been carrying on this whole time under my nose? I toggle through my memories. Audrey thinking O was his girlfriend. All the nights he came home late, phone calls he needed to take in the other room. Christmas Eve, when he was “stuck in traffic.” Was it all lies?
He’s always teasing me about being gullible. Maybe I am.
I’m frozen. My legs are unwilling to continue my walk to the Tube. I want to follow them. Maybe there’s an innocent explanation for all of this. Deep down, I know the only thing waiting for me if I follow them is heartache. I shouldn’t step foot in that hotel.
I’m such a masochist.
They have a head start, and I lose them in the lobby. They aren’t in the restaurant or in the bar. I check the schedule of meetings in the conference rooms, and unless they’ve become orthopedic surgeons studying the latest techniques in bone setting, I don’t think they’re there. After I’m done with him, he may need an orthopedic surgeon!
I stop at the front desk and feed the young desk clerk a line about trying to find my boss who will fire me if I don’t give him the files in my hand. Sadly, the guy is a boy scout who simply refuses to release any guest information regardless of how hard I come on to him. He tells me I’m more than welcome to wait for my boss in the lobby. At first that seems like a fantastic idea. I’ll wait and catch them when they come down from their afternoon delight. Three hours and six glasses of wine later, humiliation and indignity drive me into a cab. I may have had some motivation from the bartender, but I can’t be too sure.
Where do I go? Gavin has proven he’ll monitor my credit cards to track me down if I go MIA. All of my friends here are tied to Gavin and O, and I can’t drag them into it. Part of me wants to go back to the flat to see when he’ll drag his ass home and hear his pathetic excuse. But the thought of him coming into the bed we share smelling like her makes me vomit. Thank God we’re at a red light and I can easily open the door. The last thing I need is a cab-cleaning charge. Six glasses of wine on an empty stomach wasn’t a good idea. Then again, neither was shacking up with a lying, cheating bastard.
After my stomach has been relieved of everything I’ve ever eaten, I lay back and close my eyes. With my head a little clearer, my sadness switches to fury. Why am I worrying about what I’m going to do? He’s the one who’s in the wrong. He’s the one who owes me an explanation. Hiding from him allows him to escape.
“Oh, hell no! He does not get off that easy!” Oops. That was supposed to be internal.
“I beg your pardon, miss?”
Crap, I’ve scared the cab driver.
“Sorry, just losing my mind back here. Don’t mind me.” I’ve already retched in front of him. Why try to save face? “Please just get me to Knightsbridge.”
“It’s my pleasure, dearie.”
When I get back to the flat, I shower off the stench of wine and dirty cab, and wait in the white room for him. The serenity of this room keep
s me from grabbing a butcher’s knife while I wait. I wouldn’t use it on him, but it would scare the piss out of him!
Around midnight, he strolls in, but he doesn’t see me. He looks exhausted. I guess a long day of fucking will do that do you.
“I wouldn’t have thought you’d cheat on me, but never in a million years did I think you would cheat on the Four Seasons. The Ritz, Gavin? Really?”
He sets his briefcase down, then walks toward me. “It’s not what you think.”
I jump off the couch and step away from him. “Isn’t that what every scumbag who gets caught says? ‘I know you caught me in the act, but it isn’t what you think. I fell with my penis out, and her vagina just happened to break my fall.’ Tell me, if what I saw today outside the Ritz was not you and O having an affair, then what was it?”
He holds his hands up as he takes slow steps closer to me. With each step he takes toward me, I take one back. “Olivia is going through something, and she needed me. There was nothing remotely inappropriate going on. Just one family friend helping out another.”
He’s just a few feet in front of me and my back is against the wall. His blue eyes meet mine, pleading for forgiveness. Knowing he was looking at her all afternoon makes me nauseous. I push off the wall and cross the room. “Family friend, huh?” I reply, not hiding my disgust or sarcasm. “After all the headache and heartache she’s caused! To our relationship! To your relationship with James! To your company! You promised me she was out of your life for good. How am I supposed to believe a word you say?”
He sits down, leaning his back against the wall. “I’m sure what you saw was confusing, but how can you possibly think I would ever be interested in O? You know what I think of her.” He bangs his fist against the wall. “You and I had a knee trembler this morning, right here against this fucking wall. After our mind-blowing sex, why would I even think about another woman?”
My memory flashes back to this morning and that very lovely wall, which quite possibly has a few cracks in it now. Gavin was cutting strawberries. He fed me one, which I received seductively. Then… No! Out, sexy thoughts! Out! But I’ve already given him the opportunity to take control of the conversation.
He stands and walks toward me again. “I love you and only you,” he says. “I did not and never will have any sort of a relationship with Olivia, but there is something I have to tell you. I should have told you ages ago, but I hate thinking about it, let alone talking about it. Can you listen?” His eyes are bright and gentle. For a lying, cheating bastard, he looks like he may be telling the truth.
I nod. “Yeah, fine. I’ll listen.” I sit on the chair furthest from him.
He walks to the bar and pours two glasses of scotch.
When he hands me one, I decline. “I drank six glasses of wine at the Ritz waiting for you to come down. I’m not sure I need another.”
He puts the drink on the table next to me. “You’re going to need it.” He downs his glass and walks back to the bar to refill it. Instead of one finger, he pours about four.
I hate scotch, and he knows it. Giving me alcohol is his “In case of emergency, break glass and pour down Lily’s throat” move. If he’s telling me to drink, this must be intense.
He sits on the sofa across from me. After a few long sips, he speaks. “Olivia had a sister named Daphney. I was fifteen when she died. Right before I walked out on my parents. In fact, her death probably was the catalyst to me leaving.”
James had mentioned something about Daphney, but I know nothing about her.
Gavin takes another sip. “O’s family and mine were always close, but Daphney was special. She was a dancer, just like my mother. She became the daughter my mother never had, practically living at my house for periods of time in her life. My mother was a cold, unfeeling woman, but she had a soft spot for Daphney. We all did.”
He toys with the glass in his hand, the ice clinking as the cubes bounce off each other. “She really had it all. She was beautiful, brilliant, and so talented. Recruited to dance with some of the best companies in Paris. She always had the highest marks in school, and everyone adored her. Everyone except her parents.
“They pushed her so hard, and her best was never enough for them. They always found something to criticize. Her dancing, her school work, her weight. The girl couldn’t have weighed five stone, and they still pushed her. They demanded she take on more activities, harder auditions, tougher classes. She used to say her childhood was a series of one epic failure after another. It was heartbreaking, because from an outsider’s point of view, Daphney was golden.
“The older she got, the worse it became. Once she was of age, her parents wanted her to throw away the career that they had forced upon her and marry a proper gentleman. They arranged dates with men that could bolster their family’s social status and blackmailed her into going. As much as Daphney hated them, she craved her parents’ approval more, so she went.”
He takes a deep breath and begins to pace. “One night, she showed up at my parents’ house. Her dress was shredded, and her face was bruised and bloody. I think she hoped my mother would help her, but all my mother did was help her cover it up. She spent the night at my house, and right before dawn, she crawled into my bed, sobbing. She begged me to help her, but I was just a kid. I didn’t know what to do any more than she did. Two weeks later, she was engaged.”
I’m still not sure what this has to do with him and O and the hotel room, but he has me by the heartstrings. “Gavin, that’s wretched. No wonder you left.”
He shakes his head and scoffs. “I haven’t even gotten to the bad part yet.”
I swallow. “Oh.”
“January twelfth, about a month later, once the bruises had healed, his parents decided to throw an engagement party. A big black-tie affair at the Ritz. About halfway through the party, Daphney disappeared. She was due to take more pictures, but she was nowhere to be found. Her mother sent me to look for her. I checked everywhere. After running out of places to look downstairs, I went to her room.”
As Gavin sits back down, I notice his bottom lip tremble ever so slightly. He clears his throat and blinks a few times. “Her mother had given me a room key, so I let myself in. I found her in the tub. I think there was more blood than water in the tub by the time I found her. I called 999, but it was too late.”
He sniffs and brushes a tear from his cheek.
I’m an ass. He wasn’t having an affair with O; it was the anniversary of her sister’s tragic death. I move next to him and onto the sofa. He looks down and turns his back to me slightly, probably trying to hide his tears. Wrapping my arms around him, I rest my chin on his shoulder and whisper, “I’m sorry,” over and over.
He continues. “Despite the fact that her parents were never satisfied, they glorified Daphney in death. But the pressure they put on Daphney pales in comparison to their expectations of O. The difference is if O doesn’t meet their standards, they don’t put more pressure on her; they just shut her out. She doesn’t exist if she doesn’t make them happy.
“O is warped and twisted, but she grew up in the shadow of a ghost she could never compete with. She couldn’t get love and attention from her family, so she sought it in all the wrong ways. She uses her beauty and brains as weapons. She’s so jealous of others’ happiness that she’ll stop at nothing to tear it down so she doesn’t have to witness it.
James was the only good thing in her life. The only pure thing that wasn’t tainted by her games and vindictiveness. I always thought in the end, they would make it. I wanted that for her. I knew with James, she could be happy.
“I’m still pissed at O for what she has done, but when she called and said she checked into Daphney’s room at the Ritz and she needed me, I had to go. O is in a low place right now and I couldn’t risk history repeating itself.” His eyes squeeze shut. “I couldn’t live with myself if …”
Running my fingers through his hair I say, “Of course. Of course you needed to be there.”
“Gavin, you were fifteen. A child. Her problems were too big for you to solve.”
We talk in circles for hours until he tires and can no longer speak. The emotions and scotch overtake him, and he needs sleep. He has carried this burden with him for so long, and I won’t be able to help him in one night. I get him to bed, and he falls asleep the second he hits the pillow. I’m up all night trying to process what all of this means.
I understand now that O will always be tied to him. No matter what she does, no matter how cruel or vindictive, he’ll never let her go. He needs to save her. When Daphney died, my super hero was born. His need to save the world is buried in those memories of loss and misguided responsibility. My heart breaks for fifteen-year-old Gavin. My heart even breaks for O.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Sometimes life brings you closer and pulls you apart at the same time. Gavin showed me a part of himself that he’s kept buried. What he went through with Daphney’s death is unspeakable. A teenager doesn’t have the capacity to process that kind of trauma. His parents were part of the machine that drove her to her suicide, and then they martyred her after her death. Their deplorable behavior was the impetus for him cutting ties with his parents. He could no long look at them with love and respect. He lost a friend, his parents, and his innocence all in one tragic day.
Being estranged from his parents, he didn’t have anyone to convince him it wasn’t his fault, to protect him from the demons born from that kind of guilt. Years and maturity tell him that Daphney’s depression and tragic choice wasn’t something a fifteen-year-old could solve, yet her death is the cross he bears.
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