19
Whatever Shapes I Want
Alex sat hunched over her books with a frown, she felt like the girls she’d often made fun of at school. Those who never did their assignments until the very last day and would come to school with bags under their eyes, rumpled uniforms and unkempt hair.
Since that last day she’d seen Reuben, nothing felt right, and she’d wasted valuable time moping over her foolishness instead of keeping up with her study plan. Now exams and assessments were staring her dead in the eye and she knew they would have no mercy, not for her, whose undoing was no one else’s but her own.
The words in her notebook swam before her eyes but made no sense. She stared at a physics equation that would’ve once made her excited and propped her head on her hand with a sigh. Where had all her drive and passion gone, she felt so worn out but never enough to want to sleep, she did not deserve sleep. She felt guilty over things she couldn’t place a finger on and as a result everything annoyed her.
“Hey you!”
Alex jumped and turned around suddenly, Nicka was peering in, wearing a wide grin, “your mother let me in,” she said as she closed the door behind her.
It had been a while since they’d hung out together, not with Alex running home after school to go to youth meeting or hang out with Rueben or with Sonti.
Nicka came in and sat on the edge of the bed familiarly, despite the fact that this was the first time she’d actually been to Ryan’s house. Alex looked over at her from her desk and frowned at her; she was dressed in loose jeans torn at one knee, a light blue polo shirt with her hair in simple all back cornrows. If it wasn’t for her very feminine face she could have been mistaken for a homeless little boy.
Alex knew that her attire could mean one of two things, considering her usual elegance and attention to her dress, either she was running away from women’s bible study at her mother’s house or she’d come to study. Personally Alex preferred the former as she was in no mood for pretending that all the hang outs she’d missed and postponed had actually been spent studying.
“This is a nice get up you have here,” she said as she perused the room.
Alex shrugged, “it’s alright.”
“But then again, rooming with a nine year old could take half the charm out of a good thing,” Nicka continued.
Alex chuckled drily, pushing aside her books, “nah Rach is okay,” she said.
“So.... studying up for that scholarship exam next month?” Nicka asked after a moment of brief introspection.
The scholarship exam she was referring to, was a full scholarship package to an American University, being offered to fifth form students at Secondary schools all over the island. Three students with the most outstanding grades, who signed up for it of course and paid an entrance fee, were expected to do an exam in February, consisting of a written exam and in lab experiment. Both Alex and Nicka had been excited about it, even knowing that both of them might not get through; the original plan was for the two of them to sign up together accepting that even if one of them didn’t get in, they would at least get to share the joy of the other’s accomplishment.
Alex sighed, “I’m not doing that Nicka, remember I told you Sherry said she didn’t have the money and she didn’t want me signing up for no nonsense like that? She isn’t going to let me go to another country anyway.”
Nicka winced, “oh yeah, but as usual I thought you were going to find a way around that, you always do,” she looked thoughtful for a moment, “unless....you’re scared that you might actually get through with it,” she looked like she’d received the most vivid revelation.
“Alex you have to push past your fear of actually succeeding, it’s only natural... but can’t you see it all aligning itself on the horizon of success.”
Alex shot her a look, “don’t give me your Doctor Phil mumbo Nicka, it irritates me,” she said, getting to her feet with a tired sigh.
Nicka rolled her eyes “whatever,” she said, “is it snack time now?” she asked, clasping her hands in anticipation.
Alex frowned, “No.... you just got here, how could you be hungry?”
“Uh yeah, you’re right, but.... your mom was baking cookies and tarts and cheese straws... and well now I am.”
“What?” Alex asked with a chuckle, “you’re joking right? Sherry doesn’t bake anything,” still she headed toward the door, curiosity getting the best of her.
Nicka followed her out, “yeah, it smells really good down there,” she said as they descended the stairs.
With the head start Alex had, she got to the kitchen before Nicka, who had gotten caught up with the pretty stones in the living room. She was like a primary schooler in a museum.
“Where’s mom Rach?” she asked as she walked into the kitchen, pausing to acknowledge the foreign scents of home-made delicacies.
“She went to take a phone call,” said the girl, she was busily squeezing cheese straw barter onto a baking tray.
“You making cheese straw?” Alex asked, trying not to sound as surprised as she was.
Rachel looked up at her and smiled, “unbelievable eh?” she licked her finger, “Aunty Sherry showed me how to do it and she told me to make whatever shapes I want,” she explained.
Alex frowned, conscious of the jealousy rising in her stomach, hot and bitter, “that’s cool” she mumbled.
Sherry brushed past her, a towel thrown over her shoulder.
Alex frowned, was this opposites day?
“Alex,” she greeted airily, “Yuh finally come out of that room,” she made her way to Rachel’s side.
“Yeah, I...” Alex started.
“Oh no Rach, these two are a little too messy!” Sherry exclaimed, she leaned over and took the utensil from Rachel’s messy hands.
“Here,” she said as she demonstrated how it should be done, squeezing neat mounds of cheese straw barter onto the baking tray as though she’d done this a million times over, and teaching young girls to do it was second nature to her too.
Alex stared at them, unable to conceal her scowl. She did not even know Sherry could make cheese straws, as a matter of fact she couldn’t remember her mother spending any worthwhile time in the kitchen. Instead she remembered spending hours outside her mother’s bedroom door waiting for her to come out and acknowledge her, sitting on the steps until dark or until Nicole or her father felt sorry for her and brought her in. Always waiting for her mother to come home and mother her, but she never did, not once.
Now she had to watch Rachel get all the attention she’d always wanted but never got. She shook her head and stalked out of the kitchen, she doubted Sherry would even notice.
Nicka met her in the living room, and her wide grin faded at the sight of her face, “what?” she asked with a frown, “they’re not ready yet?”
“Oh they’re ready alright,” she mumbled.
Nicka followed her out to the front porch, “huh? You lost me.”
Alex grunted, sat down pulled on her sneakers and got up again, just in time to see Sonti pulling out of the yard.
“Hey Sonti!” she called, “room for one more?”
“Where are you going? We’re supposed to be studying Alex,” Nicka protested, looking at Alex with wide eyes of disapproval as she hurried down the front steps to the waiting car.
“I’ll call you Nick, have some cookies,” she called back.
They made their way to the bar which was already quite crowded and was greeted by Sonti’s friends. As usual Kane was the first to notice her, his eyes swept over her body appreciatively and she blushed. She felt awfully out of place in her faded jeans and t-shirt.
“Alexis, so glad you could join us tonight,” he greeted, leaning in to plant a light kiss on her cheek.
It seemed Sonti and her friends felt like dancing tonight but crowds of sweaty strangers rubbing cold clammy bare skin on each other, wasn’t her thing. So she hung around by the bar with Kane instead, wh
o couldn’t stop staring at her.
“I don’t think I’ll stay,” she was saying, “this was a bad idea I need to study,” she protested, as the anger and hurt from the evening started to fade.
Kane frowned, “nonsense, this is what you need Alex, to unwind a bit. All that work, all the expectations of your family and friends, you deserve a break. Let me get you a drink,” he said in his creamy voice.
Alex shrugged nonchalantly; she was growing quite restless and weary of his attention. She regretted airing her problems to a complete stranger, especially one this handsome.
“Same thing from last time?” he asked.
Alex hesitated, feeling that rebellious angry part of her tug at her resolve, she opened her mouth to reply, but he interrupted her with a lifted hand.
“Of course not” he said, “you will want to try something different, stronger maybe. Go sit, I will be right there,” he gestured to another corner of the room with low black leather seats. Alex rolled her eyes at his persistence, but made her way there.
She sat staring indifferently at the pulsating bodies on the dance floor, their human forms only visible whenever the flashing neon lights lit up the crowded club. The various colours flashing in time with the heavy bass, thumping against the wall, in tune with all the club’s merry patrons, hungry for the chance to sweat the unpleasantness of life away.
After a short while, Kane joined her with two drinks, one of which was a pretty milky pink. The way he always paid attention to her, reminded her of Reuben but then there was another side to him. It was a daring, sensual personality; despite the few moments they’d spent together he’d made it very clear how attractive he thought she was, something Reuben had never been able to do. Still in the moment Alex promised herself not to make the same mistake twice, and that mistake would be to let her guard down again for another guy... like Reuben Clark.
Kane handed her the drink and sat down next to her, really close despite the availability of space on the sofa; the man loved to violate her personal space.
“I know you ladies like them attractive,” he explained, referring to the drink in her hand.
Alex hesitated; chewing on her bottom lip in uncertainty.
“You can trust me” he said, his light brown eyes looking right into her grey ones, “you have no idea the effect just blinking your eyes has on me,” he whispered, “beautiful eyes, like the silver moon,” he coaxed, leaning down to plant a light kiss on her neck.
“You have a boyfriend?”
Alex swallowed hard, the man had her blushing in all shades of pink, maybe it was the accent, maybe it was those daring dark eyes.
She lifted her glass and took a large gulp; she could barely taste it. She wasn’t oblivious to the fact that just the right amount could make her forget all her worries along with the rest of the night, but that didn’t seem like such a bad idea at all.
“Nope, no boyfriend,” she finally replied.
Kane smiled at her, “you like it mon cheri?”
She shrugged, “not really,” she replied but downed the rest of it.
Kane smiled, “well, well, well...” he crooned, “hmm, I think I have something else that might interest you.”
He opened his hand to show her a pretty looking pill, “it is like candy you’ve never had before.”
Alex stared at him for a while, at his mischievous smile, his dark captivating eyes, then snatched the offered ‘candy’ from him and threw it into her mouth.
Somehow Kane managed to get her out onto the dance floor, into the midst of the heat, ignited by restless bodies, dancing into oblivion. This was something Alex would’ve never done, but she felt so uninhibited, everything was like a pleasant dream, even as he pressed his body close to hers, with his hands resting possessively on her lower back as they swayed rhythmically to the slow throbbing bass. Alex couldn’t see the gyrating bodies close to her, or feel anyone’s presence but his, it was exhilaratingly dangerous and in the corner of her still sober brain, she knew she would hate herself for it in the morning. Kane leaned down so she could feel his warm breath on her neck and smell the alcohol on his breath. In the back of her mind she wanted to pull away and she started to make a gap between them but his eyes and the alcohol coursing through her were more powerful forces than conscience and common sense.
He caressed her cheek, “there is something about you, Alexis, you are not like most girls,” as he spoke he traced his finger along her jaw. If she had a penny for the number of times she’d heard that line.
“I should get home, it’s past my curfew,” she giggled.
Kane smiled, still tracing lines along her jaw.
Alex wasn’t sure if she was still breathing but she was definitely alive; she could feel her heart thumping against her chest like a bassline of it’s own, as he leaned down and planted a gentle kiss on her lips.
Alex closed her eyes and leaned into him as he deepened the kiss, no, no, no, no, she chanting mentally.
“Stay, he whispered.
“I don’t want to,” she slurred, not entirely sure if her voice was her own or the jumbled thoughts clamouring in her head.
“Stay, have another drink,” his voice was like a shiny hypnotizer; she closed her eyes and leaned her rebelling body against him.
“Okay, but only one,” she said amidst a pleasant, drunken chuckle.
Alex woke up the next morning with a headache, backache and a bad case of nausea. She rolled out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom, where she stuck her face into the toilet and threw up.
She didn’t know how long she was in there slumped against the wall before Sherry started knocking on the door.
“Alex, Alex,” she called.
“Uh Huh,” Alex grunted as loud as she could.
She was so disoriented that she couldn’t tell where the sound was coming from and looked about the room for the source. She only wound up wincing at the bright colours, the light streaming in from the small window.
Sherry eventually came in and was immediately at Alex’s side, “What happen?” she asked worriedly.
Alex shook her head in an attempt to clear the fog from her mind, “I’m fine,” she mumbled, staggering to her feet.
She shrugged off Sherry’s offered hand of support, pausing until the wave of nausea passed. She bent her head into the sink and opened the pipe over her face, for a moment she forgot Sherry was there as the cold water flowed over her heated face, bringing with it the bittersweet memories of last night.
Much of it was a blur and though she vaguely remembered what had happened that night, she knew enough to know that she had acted foolishly with a complete stranger. Yet there was a part of her that enjoyed a night of no reservations, no self imposed restrictions, nor expectations.
Kane was a grown man who made a living partying and running clubs. He didn’t need an excuse to get her drunk, or lie to her, he didn’t need to pretend to be honest or faithful and she didn’t want to care. She did remember Sonti helping her up to her room at some point during the night, the same girl she knew she shouldn’t trust was tucking her into bed after a long night of drinks and dancing. She also vaguely remembered her calling it a night when it was clear Alex had become like putty in Kane’s hands and who knows what would have happened then.
“Well yuh not going to church today” Sherry said matter-of-factly, “am gonna call that boy and tell him yuh sick, yuh hear?”
Alex took a moment to understand what her mother was saying; it took great effort to part the thick fog that seemed to have replaced her brain which was throbbing like there were bass steel drums in her head. But when she realised who Sherry was referring to she wished she hadn’t taken the time. She was still very mad at Reuben, for turning out to be just what she’d suspected him to be, a twofaced liar.
“He not coming” she said and eased past Sherry, holding onto the wall for support, “he’s never coming.”
Alex returned to her
bed and pulled the sheet over her, and after staring at the picture frame beside her bed for a while she dosed off.
Sherry came and stood over her, her worried expression etching foreign lines on her usually smooth face as she clutched her daughter’s clothes in her hand, clothes that smelled like they’d been steeped in alcohol, sweat and marijuana. She looked down at Declan’s smiling framed face clinging to the one person he’d hurt the most with that sudden selfish decision, and scowled. Where was he now with his father of the year award?
She left Alex and Rachel’s room and went to her bedroom, shutting the door behind her softly so it would not wake Ryan, only to find the empty bed, his shorts tossed carelessly on his side of the bed.
She went over to the window and looked out, his car was gone. How hard was it to call out to her that he was leaving? How hard was it for him to stay up and have a conversation with her? These days she knew nothing of what was going on in his life, but that told her enough.
She lifted her daughter’s clothes to her nose and closed her eyes, summing up all that had occurred in the past couple years that led up to this exact moment in both their lives.
She sighed, opening her eyes to the sounds and sights of an early Sunday morning. A day like this should hold so much promise for a child, for a mother, for a family. But all she could think about was how everything was coming apart at the edges and soon there would be no ground to stand upon, and so much distance between them that there wouldn’t be a hand close enough to hold onto.
“It falling apart,” she whispered, her eyes growing moist, her shoulders slumping under the burden of fear and failure. She reached down and gripped her stomach, pressing her lips together in intense thought, “not me children Lord, not me Alex.
Twist of Faith Page 20