27
Heart & Soul
Reuben sat with his back against the wall, his polished acoustic guitar resting on his chest with his legs drawn up to it, his fingers lying absently on the strings and his eyes distant with thought. He strummed a chord absently but didn’t even hear it. There was the sound of a vehicle zooming by outside the house and he could hear the muffled ringing telephone outside his room. He didn’t want it to be for him, he just wanted to stay here with God and his thoughts and figure out all that had happened in the past six months.
He reached over and picked up his phone from beside him and started scrolling through his pictures. Pictures of James and the band opened up and he found himself smiling as he remembered all the grand times they’d had as a band these past couple months; fun they hadn’t had in a long time. His smile faded though when he remembered that James was lying motionless on that hospital bed, no family, no background, a dying ghost.
“What was your plan James?” he asked, looking at the picture with his friend staring back at him with that powerful gaze. Even now it seemed to be hinting him, think Reuben, think and act .
His mind went back to that first time he’d met him, a frightening figure in the shadows, but with such presence.
He came upon a picture now, that oddly made his heart leap and he found himself unable to press the next button. It was Alex, looking right at the camera with a wide grin, her cap on backwards and yellow cleaning gloves on her hand, making a goofy hand gesture. He smiled then frowned, what had this girl done to him? He picked up the phone and forced himself to press next only to find another and another and another, it was like each time he caught her in a smile he couldn’t resist taking the shot. She was so smart, so strong, so beautiful. If only she only knew how much she was loved by God, how much she was loved by him. He shook his head and out of nowhere came James voice, “just be her friend.”
He snapped back into the reality of it all, closed the photo gallery and turned his phone face down on the bed. If James had told him then that he would have fallen for that stoic girl with the haunted eyes, he would have laughed to his face and asked him if he was nuts, which is what he’d done. James knew however, he had seen what Reuben would not have allowed himself to see. He was fighting to win Lisa back when he’d already let her go in his heart, yet James had warned him to just be Alex’s friend. How ridiculous was it that he felt he needed to get more involved in ministry to win a girl back?
Now that he thought about it, he felt ashamed. He didn’t need to prove his loyalty to God, to anyone, especially in this way. God blessed everyone with a purpose and a ministry and he didn’t need anyone to tell him that who God has called him to be wasn’t enough.
“That’s it...” he put aside his guitar and sat up.
It was hard admitting to himself that he did have some feelings towards Alex but it was harder admitting that those feelings were irrelevant to her salvation. He had to put her relationship with God first and that meant, just being a friend, it meant being there for her when she needed him most, and that time was most definitely now.
He got off the bed and went down on his knees, this time he would do it right. He would go through the right channels and wait like James for the right time, the entire mission rested on his approach, he smiled as he bowed his head, I sound like James, don’t I?.
When Alex stepped into her old bedroom she felt sick to her stomach, rememberin the day she’d disowned her own sister when she needed her most. Nicole had been there for her from the day her father left, she slipped up once and Alex couldn’t give her in the least, a listening ear.
Nicole had moved out of the house before they had arrived, it was like she was never there and that hurt Alex even more, because she knew it was her fault. Nicole could have left years ago but she chose to stay, mostly for Alex’s sake than anyone else’s, she had taken a lot of hurt that should’ve been Alex’s.
That night, as had become a norm since the accident, Alex cried until she drifted off to sleep, it seemed that was the only way she could, these days. And like all the other times before, she dreamt – nightmares haunted her sleep. She dreamt of her father, of Ryan, but the worst were the ones with James, because she never could get to the end of it, she never could figure out who the dark sinister figure was and why he kept shooting at them. The doctors had said that would happen, side effects of the drug – loss of memory, night mares, and headaches. The price she paid for trusting a man with no integrity, for trusting in the philosophy of no tomorrow.
She had been interviewed by the police shortly after her discharge, they wanted to know everything she knew about Kane. As it turned out Kane was a wanted man, somehow linked to human trafficking and drugs. Who knew what his plans for her was, other than handing her off to Antonio. The police also seemed to suspect that Antonio was into the human trafficking game, Alex wondered if it wasn’t just one human he was interested in ruining. They still hadn’t found them but the police were convinced that Kane and Antonio would not attempt to contact Alex.
Gradually she became as withdrawn as she had been after she’d left the hospital, she stayed in her room only coming out to eat. No one could convince her to go see James, but she clung to Sherry’s updates that she never asked for but always looked forward to, listening with her head partially covered and one eye squeezed shut. But one day Alex was forced out of bed by an unexpected visitor.
When Mike came to tell her that someone had come to see her, she told him to go away. When he told her who it was, she got up, tossed the covers aside threw on a shirt over her Pajamas, made a quick visit to the bathroom and dashed outside to see him.
The sight of Reuben sitting in her living room, was the most heart-warming sight she’d ever had. She was a bit embarrassed about the state of the house, or the quality compared to Ryan’s place. To think that she would miss him so much after she’d treated him so terribly and walked away from their friendship, for reasons that now seemed too stupid to have existed.
When he saw her, his face brightened and he stood with open arms. Without a word Alex slipped into his warm embrace, she closed her eyes and breathed the familiar scent of him.
“It’s so good to see you umbrella girl,” he breathed.
She smiled, she loved the way he said that; she wouldn’t have ever believed that she could miss that name so much.
When he finally released her, she took a step back and looked up at him; he hadn’t changed a bit except for the worried look in his eyes and his faltering smile.
“I missed you in church these past Sundays. Maureen had to take your spot in the Easter play,” he said with a grin.
Alex shrugged, “I’m sure she did a good job,” she replied.
He shook his head and his smile faded, “no one could’ve done Mary Magdalene like you.”
There was an awkward silence after that. Alex didn’t know what to say or how to react, Reuben reminded her of all the things she didn’t think she deserved.
“How have you been doing?” he asked, his brows furrowed with lines of concern.
Alex nodded, “fine...” she tried to put on her best smile. Her face dropped just as quickly, “No not really,” she dropped onto the couch with a sigh.
Reuben sat down next to her and waited silently, if there was one thing she couldn’t stand about him, it would be his patience. But it was also the one thing she was grateful he had, or he wouldn’t be here right when she needed him the most.
“I found your note,” she said, “the one you slipped into the gift Carol gave me, with the Cross pin.”
He nodded slowly, “I hope I didn’t offend you.”
There was a long pause again, she watched Reuben play with his fingers until he spoke again, “Alex, I’m sorry. I know you told me to stay away but I can’t...”
Alex shook her head, “no it’s fine, I’m glad you’re here. In fact... I think I need you here,” she continued to stare at a spot on the worn carpet,
“I thought I’d have figured it all out by now but...” she sighed and covered her eyes with her hands, “why can’t God make this easy... or am I just really slow?”
She looked up at him with pleading, pained eyes, “is there such a thing as a slow Christian, where God lays out everything in front of you but, you’re so dumb you keep getting everything wrong and you mess up, over and over again.”
Reuben grimaced, he didn’t want to see her like this, so unglued, he could almost see her strength coming apart at the seams, and he wanted to cry out to God at the top of his voice to stop this. But he knew that God’s way of doing things surpassed all human understanding, and that his power to stop things usually lay in our choice to ask him; sometimes it was human understanding that hindered the way he wanted things done.
“Did you ask him?”
She looked up at him with a confused frown, “what?”
“When you thought you’d figured it out, did you ask him if you’d gotten it right?”
She looked thoughtful for a moment, then shook her head and as she did, tears fell from her eyes “I don’t know how. I’ve tried Reuben, but it makes no sense to me, how do I know he even hears me,” she grew pink with embarrassment.
Reuben smiled and touched her shoulder, “That’s alright bud, there’s no ritual to talk to God, no defined pattern to lay your heart out before him, he knows you and loves you, but he’s waiting for you to call out to him. And trust me Alex, he hears every word, if you knock he’ll be at the door in a heartbeat,” he smiled.
“It’s tough, trust me I know. I couldn’t stand the fact that I was adopted or the thought that my birth parents just didn’t want me. But then I looked at it differently and saw that by giving me the parents I have now, God had given me a second chance. I couldn’t see that, until I let go of all that anger and hatred and believed him, had faith in him forgave those who hurt me. And I know you need to too Alex, I see it in your eyes, especially when you try to hide it most.”
Alex shook her head. He could see her pushing him away.
“Guess you heard about my escapades?” she chuckled drily, twiddling her thumbs.
“I heard some things,” he replied easily, choosing not to mention that he’d been there, seen her and fought for her. Trying himself to push that memory away, it hurt so much to see her in the clutches of those men and to think that he’d come so close to losing her.
Alex nodded, “Yeah. And James?”
Reuben reached over and took her hand, “he’ll pull through,” he said.
“How can you be so sure?” she asked in annoyance, withdrawing her hand from his.
“That’s what they call faith; you remember what that is don’t you?”
Alex’s face contorted with scorn, “faith? Hmm, I’ve had faith for a long time, hoping God would bring my Father back... and he didn’t come through. So don’t blame me if my faith is a little bit shaky.”
“Would it have made a difference?”
Reuben’s question caught her off guard, she didn’t want to remember the sight of her father lying lazily on the couch emptying beer cans while he waited for his next gig, she didn’t want to remember her mother’s cries and pleas for him to get up and get a real job. Back then she was young and her father had taught her that you can’t rush art, so she hated her mother for trying to force her father to forget his art. But now that she was older, it was easy to notice that Declan Radley was never much of a father or even much of a lover.
“My father loved me,” she muttered.
Reuben’s strong hands reached for her good one. She opened her eyes to his comforting face, still shaking with the memories that somehow managed to break free from their cages.
“This is not about your father, nor your mother, it’s not even about your brother. It’s about you making the right choices in your life, bouncing back from the wrong ones, and the beauty that comes from the depth of you because of it. I don’t know what happened in your past, maybe you feel God wasn’t there for you and he won’t help you, but he wants to, because he loves you more than anyone could. Nothing can separate you from his love Alex,”
The passion in his eyes sobered her. Alex didn’t know what to say, what to think, how to act, all she knew is that he was here after she’d pushed him away, walked out on a great friendship, gave him every reason to forget her. Yet here he was, telling her about a love that she didn’t think she could ever understand.
“Thanks for coming to see me,” she said.
He embraced her again and planted a light kiss on her forehead, she leaned into him and shut her eyes; she still didn’t know what she did to deserve this kind of appreciation.
Reuben left Alex in a pensive mood, after hearing what Reuben had to say, she didn’t feel comfortable crawling back to bed, and that was her first impulse. When she got to her
room, she found herself getting down on her knees at the side of her bed. She felt awkward at first just like all the other times she’d tried to before, and she had no idea how to start. But then she remembered the guy from the bible, Abraham. She decided to tell God about him first, just to let him know that she knew about one of his people and that she wanted the kind of faith that he had.
“God... Jesus... Lord uh... I know it’s kind of crazy but... I was wondering if you could forgive for messing up so badly. I tried to fix it myself and messed everything up…. Could you please help me make it right again, I’d really like that, even though I don’t think I deserve it....and Reuben says you’ll forgive me. Would you please forgive me, I’m so sorry…”
Twist of Faith Page 28