29
The First Step
Alex stood on the side walk, leaning against an old traffic light pole, staring off into space. She’d survived two days of exams and she wasn’t feeling especially bad about them, she was even beginning to believe that it wasn’t as daunting as she’d thought, was this really the life threatening exams she’d been prepping, sweating and griping over since she was twelve? Had she really made peace with her mother? Had she really forgiven her sister and come to terms with all their imperfections and failings and felt prouder of them because of it? And if she had, why did she still feel so.... empty?
She folded her arms and looked up at the over cast sky, it looked like it was going to rain, and in response a timid drop fell on the tip of her nose as though asking permission on behalf of the clouds to drench the city. That reminded her of the first time she’d met Reuben, standing hopelessly in the pouring rain; that had later led to the faith talk under the umbrella and a complete upturning of her life.
Suddenly Alex froze, feeling the hairs on the nape of her neck stand on end and her blood run cold, she knew it wasn’t because of the weather but the looming shadow that had suddenly fallen over her.
“Mon Cherie,” came the buttery smooth voice that at that moment had the power to stop her heart. She couldn’t tell if she’d really heard it or if it had resonated from the recesses of her troubled mind.
She turned quickly to face the handsome nightmare, gapping and afraid. Wanting to prepare herself to face her nightmare but not sure how. And like a dream Kane’s perfect face faded into Julien’s frowning one.
“You okay?” he asked.
Alex gasped leaning forward slightly as her hand gripped her chest, trying to soothe her racing heart.
“Ohhh...” she struggled to find her voice.
And Julien grew more concerned; he placed a hand on her shoulder and bent to look her in the eyes, “Angel?”
She looked up at him, “no... yes... I.. I thought you were someone else,” she said with a nervous chuckle.
He grimaced, “I take it, that that wasn’t a very pleasant someone.”
Alex smiled uncomfortably, “Not at all.”
“But you don’t need to be afraid of...”
“I know,” she cut in, “I’m just... I have a lot on my mind these days.”
“I could imagine,” he said, lowering his gaze and looking utterly guilt ridden.
Alex smiled. She hadn’t known Julien very long but it didn’t take much to see that he wore his emotions like his eyebrows; so perfectly defined, it was the first thing you noticed when you saw him.
“I’ve been calling you,” he said.
Alex nodded, “I know,” it was her turn to look guilty.
There was tension, enough to hold back the rain in a thick dark blanket over the town, but it wasn’t unbearable.
“I’m sorry about Missus Hartley, I tried to convince her to show some mercy, but I guess there are some people whose hearts you just can’t penetrate with simple pleading,” he paused, and lowered his gaze, avoiding her eyes shyly.
“I’ve been praying for you and your family...” he started.
“Thank you, I appreciate that,” she said.
He smiled, revealing a lone dimple in his left cheek, “sooo, it looks like it’s gonna pour.”
“Oh yea,” she replied, toying with her bag strap.
“You uh… wanna hang out?” he asked, his brown eyes blatantly begging her to not turn him down.
She smirked, “sure, I’ve got some time.”
Julien was good company, no, he was great company. Alex found that she was so taken with his jokes that for a moment she forgot the grand tragedies of her life. As she looked over at him, time seemed to slow and images of all the men she’d encountered in the past seven months or so flashed in front of her. From Julien’s dancing brown eyes and funny hand gestures to Reuben’s approving smile and concerned frowns, then there was James’ blank almost intimidating face with those piercing I-know-what-you-did eyes. These three strangers, who had just popped into her life for no apparent reason, but just when she needed them the most.
“I’m very happy you decided to meddle in Ryan’s business,” he said, stirring his spoon in the remains of his ice cream, “I know, given the circumstances that that may seem to be a very cruel thing to say but it’s the only way I could acknowledge how happy I am to have met you.”
Alex smiled, “funny, I was just thinking the same thing.”
They laughed but sobered quickly, both staring at a spot on the concrete tiles outside the mall. Then to her surprise but not to her displeasure, he reached over and gently slipped his hand over hers.
Alex looked down at the smooth brown hands holding her slender fairer ones, and then she looked up at him. His gentle light brown eyes held hers and she smiled.
His grip grew firmer, more reassuring then he looked ahead, his jaw set tightly, “you don’t know how amazing you are Angel, very easy to talk to... I don’t think I’ll ever regret meeting you.”
She smiled wryly, if only he knew where she’d been, would he still feel the same? It felt good though, having one person in her life who didn’t know enough to judge her.
“If you truly knew me you wouldn’t call me Angel.”
He frowned, “that’s your name isn’t it?”
She smiled wryly, “yes it is. How ironic.”
He leaned over, “can I say one last thing?
“Yeah, sure.”
“I think you have a beautiful heart and I would love to get to know you better.”
Alex blushed, reaching up to push a loose plait from her eyes, “thank you, I’d like that.”
The best way to prepare for life, is to begin to live. As Alex walked down the aisle of the church, her eyes glued to the cross engraved on the wooden podium, she wondered if Elbert Hubbard was referring to life in the spiritual context, or if he too was misguided by man’s impression of life.
She didn’t know, her father hadn’t taught her the specifics of these grand words, like who were these men, where did they come from, what led them to believe what they believed, do we just accept all they say because it can fit into certain moments of our lives?
She sighed and slipped into the pew next to her mother, and Reuben sat down next to her, she couldn’t be bothered with him now, regardless of how dashing he looked. Today was about her life and where she wanted to prepare to spend it, on her selfish plans or on her divine purpose. She was still thinking about what Julien had said to her. They had been talking every day since that day after school and she had opened up to him about her thoughts about God. He’d texted her this morning ‘just let go, it’s not an equation to solve’, it made her think about James.
That first night he’d approached her, he told her God had a plan for her life, and she’d so foolishly quoted William James, the art of being wise, is knowing what to overlook but was she really willing to overlook her own salvation.
The service started and everyone stood for opening prayers, she stood as though in a daze, looking directly at the man standing at the altar, head bowed reverently, with one hand fisted passionately at his side as the words flowed from his lips. She couldn’t see those words, she couldn’t see his prayers floating towards the heavens, yet they all believed God heard, faith is abstract, a reflection of our actions, but just like salvation, creation, life... it was real.
She sat quietly throughout the service, not seeing Reuben’s concerned looks, not hearing Michael’s comments about the worship leader, whom he thought was attractive. She was just sitting there, reflecting, waiting for something to give inside of her, something that would tell her it’s okay to let go.
“Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my father in heaven. And he who does not take up his cross and follow after me is not worthy of me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake will find it
.”
The reverend stood tall and confident behind the podium, looking down on the congregation with certainty, his eyes bright with passion.
“We lose our lives by surrendering ourselves to God’s divine purpose, his will for us... Jesus said in John chapter eight verse twenty nine, he said the one who is with me, he has not left me alone for I always do what pleases him...”
Alex looked up at him, her eyes wide, without faith it is impossible to please God. She leaned forward, even Jesus had to submit to his father’s plan for his life, so what made her – a fatherless, sinful, bitter teenager – exempt from submission.
Hubbard said we can only prepare for life by beginning to live and Jesus said we only begin to live when we lay down our lives.
“God wants to have his way in your life today, he wants the best for you, don’t let him down because of fear, don’t reject him because of pride, don’t reject him because you think you aren’t good enough or that you’re too good, but accept him because he loves you...”
His words went right through her like a blade and she slumped against the bench in front of her, not caring for what her mother might think, or what her brother might say later, but caring only for what God wanted from her; her acceptance and submission to his will. As she lay against the wooden bench, she cried like she’d never cried before, even though she’d been crying so often these days, there was something different about this fountain that had burst from her eyes. This came from the core of her, from her shattered heart, the sharp shards that had lodged themselves inside her were melting and bleeding out of her, in tears.
“Oh Lord I need you,” she cried.
She felt a hand gently touch on her shoulder, and then those arms reached around her and she saw his hands. She saw the piercings in his hands before they reached around her to pull her into the warmest embrace that she couldn’t begin to describe.
Then he spoke, when she clearly couldn’t, his voice like a gently breeze, like river water tumbling over stones.
“Welcome home Angel. I’ve been waiting for such a long time,” there was laughter in his voice.
She was leaning against him like a content baby, smiling wide, the tears still flowing down her cheeks. This is what a father’s love feels like, she thought.
When she opened her eyes Reuben was looking down at her, a big grin on his face. He drew her closer to him, gently caressing her arm. She could hear the Pastor speaking again, she could hear people praising and crying out to God. She laughed, feeling light, she leaned on Reuben’s shoulder as he held her firmly to his side. Nothing could compare to the embrace of her saviour… and then there were Reuben’s arms, she smiled.
Why settle for silver statues when you can have something more beautiful, more powerful more constant and... real. She smiled and bowed her head, feeling a peace unlike anything she’d ever felt, envelope her.
“Dear God, I know that my sin has separated me from you. thanks for forgiving me…”
And in a narrow hospital bed, miles away, a still pale, motionless figure, lay smiling in his bed, “thank you Jesus.”
It was a beautiful day for fishing, the sky was a rich blue with sparse patches of cottony white clouds hovering like grand watchmen of the sky, with seagulls rising to the sky like graceful air ballerinas and falling to the blue-green sea like air borne harpoons.
The men standing on the docks however, weren’t interested in fishing. Though dressed in worn out sleeveless T-shirts, sandals and shorts with fishing hats, they couldn’t look more out of place.
“Hurry up! Get those cases on the boat,” one of them yelled.
He was the leanest among them all, his muscle bound chest pushing against the plaid shirt he wore and his tattooed arms with sinews wrapped like snakes were planted on his hips, as the others carried and tossed their cargo onto the ship.
“We’re not home free yet, fellas,” he called.
He looked down at his wrist watch and grimaced, “Darn it,” he grumbled and rushed forward to pick up a small crate, deciding an extra hand would probably help them along quicker, and doing something took the anxiety down a notch.
“What’s the big rush?” came a commanding baritone behind him.
He froze, the crate still pressed against his chest, he closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath. Something told him that wasn’t just another fisherman trying to be friendly.
He turned to face the stranger with a smile, and did a very good job at hiding his panic at the sight of three uniformed officers standing in front of him. His eyes went to the two parked police cars behind them and he swallowed hard.
“We just want to beat the other fellas today, just wanna get a head start,” he replied, trying his best to mask his accent.
The Officer just stared at him, his eyes narrowed, a disturbing half smile on his face. By now the others had realised what was going on, and he could feel the panic vibrating off of them.
“Is there a problem Officer?”
“I’m Officer Harris. May I see some ID please?”
He hesitated, it had grown quiet now, even the neighbouring boat men were listening in. He shrugged and handed him his ID. Good for him he’d fixed himself up with a good fake alias before he’d packed to leave the island.
Officer Harris looked over the ID for an unusually long time; this made the men even more nervous.
“Hmmm, you see, Mister.... Peterson, I find it strange that this guy and...” he reached over and took a paper from one of the officers behind him without taking his eyes of the floundering fisherman.
“And this guy here...” he lifted the paper towards Kane, “looks like the same guy.”
The others were beginning to murmur behind him, “really?” he asked stiffly.
“Really Mr. Peterson... or should I call you Kane Collins...”
“Listen man, I don’t know what you’re talking about... We’re just a couple of guys going to catch some fish...”
Officer Harris shook his head, “you are a very popular man Kane, hard to miss a guy like you on this island, especially one that knows how to throw a hell of a party,” his voice oozed sarcasm.
He signalled to the guys behind him, “Kane Collins, you’re under arrest for possession and distribution of illegal substances, assault, attempted murder...” they read him his rights as they snapped on the cuffs and proceeded to arrest the rest of his crew.
Kane swore as he was escorted to the car. Officer Harris gestured to his men, “well let us see what in these boxes boys.”
Twist of Faith Page 30