It had been two months, and the ring was still not back on. Tonight, I was going to ask him about it. I had almost asked, a few times. If he still loved me. He said he did, but didn’t taking that ring off mean he didn’t? That he didn’t see us spending our lives together? And if we didn’t end up together, after everything we had gone through, didn’t that mean that Nathan had been right? That two men weren’t meant to be married, weren’t meant to be happy?
With all that going through my mind, more work on a Friday was the last thing I had wanted. I was cranky when I left work, and when I got to Steven’s, I wasn’t much better.
“Long day?” Steven said, as soon as he saw me. He knew me so well.
“Very.”
“Wanna eat out? I don’t feel like cooking.”
“Whatever,” I said, more snappishly than I had meant. “As long as there’s gin.” Steven looked hurt, and I immediately regretted my tone. “Sorry. Yes, let’s go out. We’ve both had long weeks.”
You’re not a good person, Alex, I thought, as we got ready to go out. Steven is the one who went through yada yada yada. How long are you going to beat yourself up for what Nathan did? Even if it was to get to you, it wasn’t you who did it. You didn’t beat him. You didn’t hold him prisoner. All you did was go out and get drunk and get high and get fucked. Even if you did eventually get him back, you did a lot in that week.
Dinner was quiet. I couldn’t shake the dark and angry thoughts spiraling around my head, and seeing Steven’s ringless finger just made me angry. Not at him. Never at him. And not at Nathan, like I should have been. Just at myself. If I hadn’t fucked up so much, if I wasn’t such a complete fuckup in every way one person could be a fuckup, Steven would be wearing my ring, we would be planning our wedding and our future. Everything would be good.
“What are you thinking?” Steven asked.
It was my opportunity. “Just about work,” I lied, and the opportunity passed. He didn’t need my shit on top of everything he must still be feeling. The ring, like Nathan, like Aaron, like cocaine, were topics best left avoided.
But as we left the restaurant that night, he took my hand, and right then, I didn’t notice the missing ring. I rested my head on his shoulder as we walked home, and the doubt melted away. I loved him. He loved me. Things would be good again.
“Faggots!”
It was a shout from a car that sped off, and it jolted me from my dreams of happy-ever-after. That word. I hated that word.
“Alex,” Steven said. “It’s just a word. Don’t worry about it. They’re assholes. It’s just a word.” He knew how I felt about it. He knew what it triggered in me.
It wasn’t just a word. It was everything wrong with the world, and everything wrong with us, and everything wrong with me. Steven didn’t understand that, but the guys in that car knew. Nathan knew. I knew.
Chapter 6
I got home from work and Steven had dinner ready. There were candles on the table, a bottle of wine breathing. I took a breath too, thinking this was finally the end of what had gone before and the beginning of all that was to come. A big romantic dinner meant he would put the ring back on. We would resume our course toward big gay matrimony.
He kissed me on the cheek, and before I could stop myself, I asked, “What’s the special occasion?”
“I just thought it was time we had a talk.”
There was nothing then, is nothing now, and never will be anything good about a talk.
I pulled out a chair and slumped down into it, and my wedding plans derailed in my head. This was not a beginning.
He scooped out some salad and we ate in a sudden awkward silence.
“Look, I . . .” I said finally just as he said, “So here it is.”
“Here what is?”
“I can’t shake it. I have tried to shake it, but I can’t.”
“Shake what?”
“You and Aaron, and everything that happened, while I was gone.”
While I was gone. What a cute euphemism to describe his weeklong captivity and torture. And me and Aaron? That’s what he couldn’t shake? I sighed and said, “I told you, it didn’t mean anything.”
“It did, though.”
“Okay it did, but it didn’t mean as much as you think it did. It was an ending.”
“An ending to something that had already ended.”
“Yes.” I was guilty, and guilt made me defensive, and defensiveness made me add, “And if you can’t believe me, there’s nothing else I can do to convince you.”
“I do believe you.”
“What then?”
He broke eye contact, and we ate some salad. Then he took a big gulp of his wine. “I think we should invite him over.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I think I need to see it for myself.”
“You’ve seen us together lots since then.”
“No. I haven’t seen you together.” The emphasis he put on that last word made it clear what he meant.
“You want to watch me have sex with my ex?”
“No. I wasn’t planning on just watching.”
Of all the things Steven could have said, this was not one I ever would have predicted. Open relationships and frequent three-ways, that was Jesse and Colton. Steven hadn’t ever even hinted he was interested in anything like that. “You want a threesome?”
“Maybe. I think. Yes.”
“But why? Don’t you think it would be awkward?”
“Maybe.” He rubbed the back of my hand with his finger. “Don’t you think it would be hot though too?”
I pictured the two of them together. I pictured the three of us together. It was hot, for sure. They both knew what I liked in bed, I knew what both of them liked. How could it be anything but hot? I could see myself in the middle, Steven on one side, Aaron on the other. My dick was suddenly hard in my pants.
“When were you thinking?”
“I was thinking, after dinner, maybe . . .”
“Excited?”
“Aren’t you?” I took his hand, and guided it to my crotch. “Oh, you are.” He smiled at me.
“I’ll call after dinner.”
Chapter 7
He kissed me, hard and long and passionately. He had always been an amazing kisser, right from our first kiss after our first date, that night so long ago when I backed into his car just to meet him. Since he was gone though, his kisses had a new intensity about them. Mine too, I suppose. It was a combination of relief and desperation and gratitude, and tonight, nerves and excitement.
There was a knock at the door.
“Do you want to let him in?” Steven asked.
“It’s your house,” I said, “and your idea.”
“We’ll just do it like we discussed. Play it by ear, have some wine, see where the night takes us. You’re good with that?”
“Yes.” And I was. Well, I was pretty sure I was. The man I loved. The men I loved? Me and two hot guys. The thought made my dick twitch again.
Steven opened the door. “Hey, come on in.”
Aaron entered and I took them both in. I had a type, that was for sure. They were both the wholesome, All-American, boy-next-door gay-clone type, Aaron’s hair a bit darker, Steven a bit more muscled. In my mind’s eye, I undressed them, seeing Steven’s closely trimmed chest hair, Aaron’s smooth torso, following identical treasure trails to their two equally beautiful cocks.
There were hugs all around, and Steven brought us all a glass of wine and turned on the stereo. We small-talked, about each other’s weeks, the latest gossip from Wonderland. An hour passed, and the bottle was empty. Steven went to uncork another.
“So what prompted this?” Aaron asked. “We never hang out at home on a Friday.”
“We just weren’t in the mood for Wonderland.”
“The boys didn’t want to come?”
“We didn’t ask them,” Steven said, coming back into the living room with the bottle and filling up all our glasses before sitti
ng back down on the couch next to me.
“Well, cheers,” Aaron said, and lifted his glass. We clinked, sipped. “I’ll be right back,” he continued. “Just need to pee.”
Aaron disappeared down the hall.
“Do you think he’s even into it?” I asked.
“How could he not be?” Steven said, his hand suddenly kneading my crotch.
“So do we just ask him?”
“Eager, are we?”
“Well, if we’re going to do it, we might as well do it before we get too drunk.”
Steven smiled and leaned in to kiss me, his hand never leaving my now hard dick. Our tongues danced in each other’s mouths.
“Bad time?”
We pulled apart as Aaron came back into the room. He was standing there, a half grin on his face.
“No, actually,” Steven said. “Perfect timing.” He patted the couch next to him. “Come sit.”
Aaron raised an eyebrow, and my breathing quickened. He grabbed his wine from the table near the chair he’d been in before, and sat down next to Steven on the couch. “What’s up, guys?”
“We’ve been thinking,” Steven said.
“What about?”
“I’ll let Alex tell you. I’ll be right back. Need to use the boys’ room myself.”
He went down the hall, leaving me alone with Aaron. My ex. My ex of six years. My ex I’d had those extra-complicated and semi-recent hookups with. My ex I was about to have a three-way with.
“What’s up, Alex?” he asked.
I swallowed hard, and slid over next to him, and kissed him. He kissed back, briefly, then pushed me back. “What’s going on?”
“Want to have some fun?”
“Are you serious?”
“Yah, we are.”
“Do you think it’s smart?”
“I don’t know. Let’s find out.” I kissed him again, and his hesitation crumbled, and he kissed me back harder, and I let out a small moan as his hand pulled me tight against his face.
I got so caught up in kissing Aaron that I barely noticed Steven come back into the room until I felt the couch shift. I broke apart the kiss and looked at him looking at Aaron. Their eye contact barely wavered as he pulled my face to his and kissed me. Could he taste Aaron on my lips?
Aaron’s mouth was on my neck to my right. Steven started kissing down my neck to the left. I had one arm around each of their shoulders, barely believing this was happening. I was no stranger to threesomes, but this, this was Aaron and Steven. Together! I looked down to see their lips meeting, right in front of my face. And then the three of us were kissing, all together, and it was a melting mess of mouths.
Steven stood up and took his shirt off. Aaron murmured appreciatively at Steven’s chest, and we all chuckled. Then Steven reached over me to undo the buttons on Aaron’s shirt, and as I watched my current lover slowly undress my ex-lover, I started to undo Steven’s pants. He leaned across me and his mouth covered Aaron’s nipple. Aaron’s head rolled back with a groan; he had always loved nipple play. Steven looked up at him, then looked back at me. His dick was hard in his pants, and I pulled it free. He groaned.
“Maybe we should move this to the bedroom,” he said, and he stood up, pulling us both to our feet. He kissed me, then Aaron, then me again, and as we clumsily stumbled toward the bedroom, we finished undressing each other.
In the bedroom, Steven pushed me onto the bed. I looked back at him, at them, standing there, both nude, both hard-bodied and hard-cocked. Then Steven pushed Aaron down to the bed as well, and I attacked his mouth. Steven climbed down next to me, and they were each working one of my nipples. Their hands traced my thighs, and then both of them had their hands on my balls and cock. First Steven’s mouth, then Aaron’s mouth, then both their mouths. I bucked my hips. I had never been so turned on.
I held their heads there at my dick, on my dick. My fingers tangled in their hair. One would work my shaft, the other my balls, then they’d switch. It was heaven.
I looked down to see them kissing again, and took the moment to catch my breath. I didn’t want this to end so soon, and the two of them, both knowing all the spots and techniques to drive me crazy, already had me on the edge.
They looked up at me, and Aaron slid up to press his lips to mine, as Steven started sucking me again. First me, then Aaron. I felt a twinge of something, seeing my ex’s dick in my lover’s mouth, but Aaron’s mouth on mine drove the thought away. I felt Steven slither up to the top of the bed, his dick pulsing against me.
We were three-in-one, hands and mouths and cocks. Our bodies were slick with sweat and our groans and moans filled the air. I went down on Aaron and looked up to see him and Steven kissing, slow, savory kisses. A surge of jealousy ran through me, seeing them, but I closed my eyes and inhaled Aaron’s dick. He thrust his hips into my mouth and I felt him tense, felt Steven tense next to me feeling Aaron tense.
“I want to fuck you.”
I had heard that from Aaron so many times, and the thought of him fucking me, of Steven seeing him fuck me, had my dick pre-cumming, had me clambering up and onto my stomach. And then I looked over, and Aaron’s hands were playing with Steven’s ass. Steven arched his back, and Aaron rolled onto his knees, lapping at Steven’s ass.
“Fuck me,” Steven told him, and Aaron slid his cock up and down Steven’s crack. Steven never wanted to bottom, and being more of a bottom myself, I didn’t mind, but this? He was practically begging for it.
I suddenly felt so exposed, so ignored. Aaron reached over to the nightstand, grabbed the lube and a condom. He leaned down over Steven’s body, tight together, as he ripped the condom open. I lay there watching, my dick suddenly limp. Aaron slid into Steven, and I watched Steven’s face, the absolutely ecstasy on it, mouth half open, eyes half closed. Slowly, slowly, Aaron went deeper, deeper, until he was leaning down on Steven’s back, and they kissed again.
“I guess I’m not needed here anymore.” As soon as I said the words, I regretted it.
They both looked at me. “Well, come over here,” Steven said.
“No, you guys are good.” I stood up and grabbed a blanket to wrap around my nakedness.
Aaron pulled out and I heard Steven gasp as the dick left his ass. “I told you this wouldn’t work. I knew he couldn’t handle it, Steven.”
“What?” My jaw dropped. “This was planned?”
“Well, yes, we talked about it before I talked to you about it.”
“What the fuck, Steven? Why?”
“I thought you wanted it, Alex.”
“Fuck you. You’re clearly the one who wants this.”
“Alex, calm down.”
They were both standing there naked, still hard. They had planned this? Between them? Who knew what else they had talked about? Who knew what else they had done? Had they done this before? Was that why they fit together so naturally?
“No, I won’t calm down! When did you guys plan this? Have you fucked before?”
“Jesus, Alex, you’re out of line. This was for you!”
“Don’t fucking lie to me, Steven! You’re the one who just had his dick in your ass. This was for you!”
Bam! I had barely seen him move, but I surely felt his slap. My face was on fire, my head ringing.
“How fucking dare you! After everything you did while I was gone? You’re accusing me of cheating? Are you fucking nuts?”
“Go to hell, Steven.”
I stormed out of the bedroom, slamming the door. They didn’t come after me. “Let him go,” I heard Aaron say. I got dressed. They didn’t come after me. “Good-bye, assholes!” I yelled out, and left. I couldn’t believe it! How had that happened so quickly? How did it go from glory to this, this fist that had reached through my chest and squashed my heart? My eyes were on fire from tears I wouldn’t let fall.
I started walking home, suddenly feeling a lot more drunk than I had. How many bottles of wine had we had? Three? Four?
No. This wasn’t going to end
this easily.
I turned around and went back. I froze with my hand on the doorknob. I walked around the side of Steven’s house, to his bedroom window. I looked inside. They were there, on the bed, still naked, Steven wrapped in Aaron’s arms.
I was a fool. It was done, and there was nothing there for me.
“Fine,” I said aloud, as I walked off again. “They can have each other. There’s a bar filled with men, and my ass is theirs for the asking.”
Chapter 8
“Alex, my friend, so nice to hear from you!”
I was too hung over for the Caterpillar’s niceties. “Can you swing by?”
“Already?”
“Rough night. Rough week.”
“Be there in twenty, my friend.”
I hung up and stared at my laptop screen, open to Facebook. Remove Steven Thompson as a friend? Had it come to this? In just a few weeks? Had it already been a few weeks? Had it only been a few weeks, since that disastrous attempt at a three-way? Time was either moving too fast, or too slow, and nothing was making sense anymore. Curiouser and curiouser and furiouser and furiouser.
It was all such a blur, the threesome, its aftermath at Wonderland, and the long and lonely nights since. Every night, I had come home to an apartment empty except for Griffin. Griffin and gin. Only drunk did the image of them together go away. Only drunk did I forget the scene I had caused at the club after.
I hadn’t talked to anyone. Jesse and Colton had tried to get in touch, but I’d been ignoring them. The way I had treated them was unforgivable. If Facebook was the last connection to the outside world, removing Steven, the last of my group of actual friends, was the last step. Then it would just be me and my cat and my gin.
Griffin meowed at me and I picked him up and held him close. There was no need to cry. It was better this way. I wouldn’t get hurt, and I sure wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone else. All I had to do was go on about my life. Go to work. Come home. Get drunk. Go to bed. Go to work. Repeat. Fun outside the apartment was done.
My intercom went off, and I buzzed him up, my new best friend. My only friend. My dealer. The Caterpillar.
Through the Mirrorball Page 2