by Corgan, Sky
Urges
Part Three
SKY CORGAN
Text copyright 2015 by Sky Corgan
All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission of the author.
CHAPTER ONE
The air in Trent's office is stifling. My eyes are fixed on his lips, though for the first time ever, I'm not thinking about kissing them. I'm waiting for him to say the words that will cast me out of his presence forever. And I'm so pissed off that I don't care.
It seems like the cat has his tongue. We look across his desk at each other, and as the time ticks by, counting to the end of the day, counting to my termination, I feel the tension building up inside of me to an insurmountable level. If he has nothing to say, then I sure do. I will go down with guns blazing, and by the time I walk out of his office, he'll know what a total piece of shit I think he is.
“You know, Trent, I really enjoyed what happened between us, and I'm not just saying that because you think I'm a slut. I'm not. Sleeping around isn't my thing.”
“I never—”
“Shut up!” I hold my hand out to silence him. We're beyond the point where I give a crap about what he has to say. Thankfully, he doesn't challenge me. His body tenses, but he remains quiet while I continue my rant, perhaps thinking that he owes me at least this much. “I like you. No.” I shake my head. “That's not right. I liked you. I thought you were a great guy. Some hero, coming to save the day. Maybe not at first. Not at the hotel. But when I came in here and saw you were willing to give me a job despite what happened between us and my lack of experience. And maybe not even then so much as when you treated me with respect and never made me feel weird about things.
“Even after we messed around in your office, when you treated me dismissively, and I thought that was the end of everything between us, I still liked you.” My eyes are watering, and I don't know why. Maybe because this confession is too raw. Perhaps because I feel desperate, even though I'm not anymore. What happened between us is over. If he's going to send me packing, then I'm at least going to unload on him before I go. Hopefully, it will make me feel better. Maybe I'll regret it. There's no way of knowing until I'm done and out the door. And I still have a lot to say before that happens. “I don't know who you are. I've never known. I'm not going to pretend like I even have a clue. You can be the nicest guy one second, and then the next...” My voice trails off as I think about him telling me to take the walk of shame. I suck back the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks and lock eyes with him. “I've never treated you with anything but respect. I gave you everything you wanted. More trust than I've ever given a man. I've dated guys for years that I wouldn't let tie me down the way I allowed you to. I thought things were going great between us. I know you said you don't date, but I thought that maybe there could be...something. But then when you told me to take the walk of shame,” I laugh, because right now I feel like I'm starting to go insane.
The emotions are building up inside of me to the point that I'm about to snap from being overfull. And he's just staring at me blankly. Is he even listening? I can't tell, but I also suppose it doesn't matter. Because I need this. I need to get this all out.
“Everyone has issues, Trent. You act perfect here, but there's something wrong with you, and that's okay. I was willing to help you figure it out. I was intrigued by the way you are. Hell, I was even willing to forget everything that happened between us. If you truly wanted to push me away, I was fine with that too.
“But apparently, even that's too much for you. You can't handle being around me because of...whatever reason. And now you're firing me,” my tone takes a mocking turn, as if I can't believe that everything has boiled down to this moment where I lose my job over casual sex.
Trent's head jerks back slightly, and he screws his face. “I'm not firing you. I never said anything about firing you.”
Those words should fill me with relief, but instead, they completely mortify me. I just poured myself out to him, and he has the audacity to patronize me by telling me that firing me was never his intention. What in the hell was this about, then? I'm ashamed and embarrassed and panicked, and that tiny fragment of sanity that was holding me together snaps right in half. I can't do this. I can't be around him anymore. He's messing me up mentally.
“It doesn't matter, because I quit.”
***
What happened at Chilly Creations, Inc. has left a foul taste in my mouth. Trent didn't even try to stop me. In fact, he didn't say a word as I gathered my pride and myself off of the horribly uncomfortable metal chair in his office and took my leave, holding back sniffles all the while. Stubbornness kept me from crying on the way home. I had convinced myself that he wasn't worth my tears, and that's probably a good thing, because as soon as I got home, I was immediately thrust into another awkward social situation.
Gary Guarino, the guy who my mom wanted to introduce me to, was already at the house. I was forced to suck up my emotions and pretend to be friendly, but I can say with certainty that I wasn't feeling any sparks when we met. Not that I don't find him attractive. He's tall and lanky, with long dark-brown hair and big doe eyes. Far more in my league than Trent was, but a little too young for my taste, being four years my junior.
Mom must have brought him home right after work, because they were both still in their work uniforms and smelled like food. Not the most attractive way to meet someone. Then again, I don't exactly look like a prize either.
I made polite conversation with them for a while before excusing myself outside. After going through such a turbulent and emotional evening, socializing with someone who thinks I'm their new potential love interest isn't very appealing. Being so distant makes me feel kind of like a bitch, but right now, I just want to be alone. Besides, even though my mother isn't the best listener in the world, she can tell when something is wrong with me, and I really don't want to launch into a conversation about how I quit my job in front of a complete stranger.
I sit on the front porch and stare out across the street at the empty lot between two of my neighbors. We live in a suburb about fifteen minutes outside of the city. The lots are big, and many of them are still undeveloped, which gives the neighborhood a woodsy feel to it.
My mind is a mess of confusion and regret. There aren't many men whom I wish I hadn't slept with, but Trent has definitely made the list. I should have known better, should have known things would go wrong after meeting him in the hotel room. Even back then, it was obvious he was messed up. Instinct told me to stay away, but he was just too damned tempting. And when I knew there might be a chance that I could have him, I let my hormones trump my logic.
Perhaps if he hadn't been my boss, this wouldn't be so hard. I've lost everything I gained from my encounter with him, and it's just as much my fault as it is his. Work relationships never last, though I doubt most spiral out of control as quickly as ours did. Oh well. It's over. Now I'm back at square one—unemployed and depressed.
For as much as I wanted to just be alone, was waiting for Gary to leave so I could go to my room and wallow in misery without seeming completely anti-social and dismissive, I'm not allowed that luxury. The chattering that was going on inside the house stops, and I hear footsteps approaching the front door. I turn my head just in time to see Gary coming out of it, and dread fills me with the realization that I’m now trapped alone with him.
“Hi.” He shoves his hands in the pockets of his dark jeans, looking somewhat shy as he sits on the patio chair acr
oss from me.
“Hi,” I sigh inadvertently, and there's not enough emotional energy left in me to feel guilty about it.
“You look like you've had a long day.” Gary's eyes follow mine out to the lot across the street.
“Is it that obvious?” I glance at him briefly, leaning forward and allowing my shoulders to slump.
“Thank God it's Friday, right? I assume you have the weekend off.” He smiles at me, but it seems forced.
“I do.” The weekend, and every day following until I can find another job. I don't tell him that though. It's none of his business.
He looks back towards the house. Inside, I can hear my mom messing around in the kitchen. Hopefully, she's not making us dinner. If so, this is going to be a much longer night than I feel up for. And I can't pretend to be fine forever.
“Your mother is something else.”
“She is.” What, I don't know. Goofy. Angry. A mix of sweet and bitter, with a large helping of disinterested.
“Um,” he hesitates, and I can feel the nervousness radiating from him, even though I'm several feet away. “So, what are you doing this weekend?”
My breath leaves me in a long exhale. This is what I had been fearing. We got past the introductions, and now we're at the part where he asks me out on a date. And I have to let him down easy, hoping that it doesn't screw up his relationship with my mother. She'll realize that trying to hook us up was a bad idea tomorrow when they're working together, and he's acting awkward towards her. It can't be helped though. I can't even fake being interested right now.
“Look, Gary.” I turn to him, giving him more of my attention than I have all afternoon. “I know my mom wanted to bring you over so she could hook us up, but I'm really not interested in dating anyone right now. To tell you the truth, I just got out of a tumultuous relationship, and I need a bit of time to recover.” It feels like a lie. Trent and I were never officially in a relationship. I'm not sure what else to call it though.
Gary's expression is blank, and for a moment, I worry he's going to be upset. Then a smile curls the corners of his lips. “Oh, thank God.”
Now I'm the one feeling offended. The way he said it makes it sound like he's absolutely repulsed by me. Realizing that he made a mistake, Gary looks over at me apologetically. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm just already kind of seeing someone else, and I really like her.
“When your mom invited me over to look at the porch, I had a feeling she was going to try to hook us up. She talks about you all the time, about how we'd make a cute couple.” A soft blush covers his cheeks, and I can't help but grin at how adorable it is. “You're very pretty, but I'm not a player, and I wouldn't want to lead you on.”
“Thanks, Gary. That is a relief. I've had enough guy problems recently.” I wish I could bite back my words. They sound so pathetic, but I'm still feeling a bit crazy from what happened in Trent's office. Tomorrow, my emotions will stabilize. I'll pull myself together, and things will return to normal—as normal as they can be when you're twenty-four years old, unemployed, and living with your mother.
“I know you don't know me very well, but maybe that's a good thing.” Gary perks up now that the tension between us and our awkward situation has dissipated. Knowing that neither of us is on the prowl dials down the mood to casual. Already, I feel more relaxed around him. “If you want to talk, I can give you a friendly ear to listen and an unbiased opinion, if you need one.”
For some reason, the idea of talking to Gary about Trent is a lot more appealing than talking to my mother. Maybe because I think that he'll actually listen. In truth, I would like to get some of this off of my chest, and since there's really no potential for a relationship between Gary and I, it wouldn't hurt to tell him things.
“The short version is that I made the mistake of getting involved with my boss, and as a result, I quit my job today.” This is his chance to escape the long boring details. If he seems disinterested, then I'll know he was just being polite.
“That certainly doesn't sound good.” He stares blankly at the porch, as if trying to analyze the small snippet I gave him. “What's the long version?”
“Do you really want to hear this?” I crease my eyebrows.
“I only want to hear what you want to tell me.” Gary smiles politely.
My mom was right. He's a sweet guy.
“Well,” I begin, my mind going back to the hotel room. “The guy wasn't my boss to start with. It was really bizarre how we met.” Now that I think about it, maybe I should skip the part where I posted an ad online looking for sex. I certainly wouldn't want that getting back to my mother. “I went to a club and met this guy, not my boss, who invited me back to his hotel room. When we got to his hotel room, he left me there. A few minutes later, the guy who later ended up becoming my boss came in.”
“That sounds confusing,” Gary cuts in.
“It was. I had no idea who he was. He came and sat with me and started lecturing me about how I shouldn't come to hotel rooms with men I barely know.”
“That's good advice.” He wrinkles his nose at me, and I can tell that he's judging me. My story still wasn't tame enough, but it was far better than the original version.
“I was drunk, so I wasn't really thinking right.” Another lie. I was perfectly sober, waiting to get pounded by the gorgeous blond Adonis. “I hit on him, and he advanced on me.” I bite my bottom lip for a moment, thinking of Trent's hard body on top of mine. The way he held my hands above my head to keep me in place. That was the real him. The guy who had come into the room pretending to be protective, the kind, professional man who works behind the desk everyday at Chilly Creations, Inc.—that's the facade. I know that now.
“And the two of you had sex?” Gary asks, noticing that I'm quickly becoming lost in thought.
“No.” I shake my head. “I'm not sure how to say this without sounding more bizarre. Let's just say that he gave me a good warning about what can happen when a woman goes off with a man she doesn't know.”
“He raped you.” His eyes widen in shock.
“No. I said we didn't have sex.” I glance over at him, indicating that I'm not getting into it more deeply than that.
“Alright.” He nods slowly, trying to process everything. “Then what happened?”
“Then I left and forgot about it. Well, not really forgot about it so much as pushed it to the back of my mind. The lesson he tried to teach me sunk in, not that I typically go out to clubs trying to get laid. It was just a fluke, much like everything else that happened beyond that point.
“I went to interview for a job at the company he works for. At the time, I didn't know he worked there. Had I known, I never would have gone in. But, I didn't know, and so I did go, and he saw me there and helped me get the job and became my boss.
“I thought everything was fine between us, that we were both going to forget what happened at the hotel and try to keep a professional relationship. There was sexual tension between us though. I felt it, but I never realized he did until I stayed late one afternoon to help him go through some files.”
“This is where things get inappropriate, I bet.” The grin across Gary's face reminds me of a teenage boy about to watch porn for the first time. He's enjoying where this story is headed a bit too much.
“Yes. That's where things got inappropriate.” I can't help but smile as well. Now that I think about it, the whole thing sounds completely outlandish and like the perfect setting for a porno. Who hasn't had the fantasy of sleeping with their incredibly hot boss on the desk in his office. Perhaps I should be more grateful for the experience, but it just left me emotionally shattered. “We didn't have sex in his office, but we did mess around. In hindsight, I should have realized he had control issues then.”
“What makes you say that?” He readjusts in his chair, so he can look at me without having to turn his neck so far.
“Well, in the hotel room, he held me down with my hands above my head, making sure I co
uldn't get away from him. In his office, he bound my wrists together with his tie.”
“The guy sounds kinky.”
“You don't know the half of it.” My head tilts back in exaggeration. “After we messed around in his office, he acted like nothing happened between us, but that obviously wasn't the case. We were both still thinking about it, and when he finally brought it up to me, he gave me all of these weird warnings about pursuing him. He told me he didn't date, and I was fine with that. I thought we'd just be friends with benefits or something. I mean, I wanted him, and he wanted me, so what's the harm in it?” I shrug. “He took me to his house and led me down into the basement.” My pulse races as I think about how this is stuff I'd definitely not want my mother knowing. “This all stays between you and me, you hear. Everything I've said so far.” I point at him.
He nods. “Of course. Completely confidential.”
“Good. Anyway, to make an exceptionally long story short, he did a bunch of BDSM type stuff to me.”
“BDSM type stuff?” Gary quirks an eyebrow in confusion.
Repeating any of it makes my stomach queasy. I absolutely refuse to give details. “You know, like whips and chains kind of stuff.”
“So he whipped you?” His expression changes from amused to protective in half a second.
“No.” I hold my hands out. “But he did do some things that made me a little uncomfortable. Nothing I need anyone to go kick his ass for. I mean, it was my choice to go down there with him, and once I did, I had a pretty good idea of what I was in for. I thought it would be worth it if we were going to be seeing each other regularly.”
“But it wasn't worth it?” He still looks displeased. There's a small part of me that adores the fact that he seemed ready to come to my rescue the moment that I mentioned the possibility of abuse, even though he doesn't know me. The girl he is interested in is very lucky.