by Kim Fox
“It’s nice to meet you too, dickhead,” I say to him from behind Turic’s protective stance.
“Avery may not be a Sandroka,” Turic says, defending me. “But she is female. She has a culip. A beautiful culip that drips with sweetness and smells like the divine Cheecho herself. Turic drank her sweet nectar all of last night and this morning.”
“Jesus, Turic,” I whisper. “TMI.”
All eyes are on me wondering what my culip looks like. I tap Turic on the back. “Can we not talk about my culip in front of the whole village please?”
But he just goes on. And my cheeks get redder.
“Avery’s flowery culip is as tight as the grip of a randosha and is as soft as the flowers of the gushart tree,” he continues while I sink lower and lower. “Turic thrust his raging cock into it until Avery screamed Turic’s mighty name.” He pulls me out from where I’m hiding behind him, utterly mortified. “Tell them, my sweet Avery. Tell them how Turic thrust his towering cock into the sticky abyss between your legs.”
The whole village is staring at me with wide eyes on their curious faces while they wait for my answer.
“He may have rounded third base,” I say meekly. “Maybe went all the way home.”
“Base?” Loupin says, clearly not impressed with my presence. “What is this base the pale one speaks of?”
“I’m not pale,” I mutter. Maybe a little bit but it was freaking October back home and the sun here doesn’t seem to be strong enough to give me a tan. “At least I don’t look like I’m coming out of a Blue Man Group audition like you weirdos.”
Loupin doesn’t understand the reference but that doesn’t stop him from glaring at me like the mean girl from high school. “I want her out of my village. Now. Quindo. Sanser. Remove her.”
Two huge Drandroka step forward and Turic lets out a vicious roar as he plants his tree trunk legs and cocks his iron fists. “Nobody touches my Avery,” he growls.
Seeing him go all berserker rage, protective beast on me like this is the sexiest thing that I’ve ever seen. My heart is pumping and it’s not from the two blue warriors approaching.
Quindo and Sanser take a step back in hesitation when they see Turic’s flexed muscles and the snarled lip on his furious face.
“Rashut, Wentik, Vecton,” Loupin calls out, waving three more big guys over. They all obey without question and it makes me wonder what role this blueberry’s asshole really plays in the village. They seem to all worship him. Well, except for Turic. He seems to only worship me.
All five of the Drandroka leap forward at once. Turic crashes into four of them, but the one with the nasty scar on his chest grabs my wrist.
He spins me around and pulls me away from Turic who is thrashing under the Drandroka like a beast.
There’s a gasp and a lot of pointing blue fingers.
When someone yells out “kaleem” and points to my tattoo, all hell breaks loose.
eleven
“Release her!” Turic screams as loud as an erupting volterno. “She is mine!”
There are hands all over Turic. Mighty hands. Drandroka hands. Turic slaps each one away as he fights for his mate. Avery’s beautiful pale face looks fearful and that awakens the angry beast within Turic.
He fights like a thousand garagulas and none can hold him down.
“Get your ratty little hands off of me!” my Avery shouts as Rashut and Wentik lift her in the air. Rashut, Wentik, Vecton. Any bastard Drandroka who dare to lay their fingers on my Avery will die.
Loupin stands before Turic and frowns. “She bears the Kaleem,” he says, placing his hand up to Turic. He wants Turic to settle the beast within but Turic cannot. He will not. Avery is under Turic’s protection and filthy Wentik has his hands all over her.
“Enough!” Loupin orders but Turic does not care. Turic would slay every Drandroka in the village to save his Avery. She comes from the heavens and she is magnificent.
Turic throws Quindo to the ground with a thud. He punches Sanser in the stomach with the power of a hundred bacalars.
But there are too many. Soon Turic is on his knees. Many hands hold him down. Strong rope from the enger tree tightens around his vigorous feet. Around his mighty wrists.
Water leaks from Avery’s eyes as they carry her away. My Avery. My mate.
They think my Avery is the Saku. The chosen one.
She is Turic’s Saku. Turic’s chosen one.
But not the Saku from the prophecy. She is not the chosen one to kill all of the beasts of Zandipor. She is better. She is more special than a whole village of Sakus. For she is mine.
And they take her away.
Turic explodes to his feet with a thunderous roar but the Drandroka are strong and there are too many.
“She is mine,” Turic growls. “Mine to breed. Mine to keep. And Turic will slay any Drandroka who stand between us.”
Loupin nods and a force hits the back of Turic’s head with the power of a hundred bacalars. Turic feels his soum breaking as he watches them take his sweet Avery. The bacalar hits again and the mighty Turic tries hard to stay awake for his Avery, for his beautiful mate, but his eyes are too heavy and the blackness takes over.
Loupin is standing before Turic when he wakes up. Strong rope holds him to the enger tree. “Mpff.” Turic tries hard to break the rope for his Avery but they are too strong.
“That ugly pink Sandroka bears the Kaleem,” Loupin says. He is the head of the village. The most respected of the Drandroka. Turic would snap his neck if he could move his hands.
“She is mine,” Turic snarls. “She is my Avery.”
“She bears a false Kaleem.” His foul breath washes over Turic’s face like the stench of a lemru. “She will prove her falseness in front of all the fools who believe.”
Turic’s soum is hammering in his hulking chest. He wants to leap forward and show Loupin his true might. But the ropes from the enger tree cannot break.
“Where is my Avery?” Turic growls. His stout muscles are as tight as a drum.
Loupin grins and Turic clenches his strong teeth at the sight of his arrogance.
“The ugly Saku is parting now to be tested,” Loupin says, his eyes dancing with mischief. “The pale weak one will face a beast of imaginable terror. And then, every Drandroka will see. Including the mighty Turic.”
Turic roars so loud that the Gods must awaken. No Drandroka will be safe if anything happens to my Avery.
Turic will slay any Drandroka who touched her.
Every.
Single.
One.
twelve
“Look, I’m sorry that I slapped you,” I say in a panic as the grumpy blue guy walks with me draped over his shoulder. “I’m sure you’re very nice but I’m not the Saku. This is a tramp stamp, not the Kaleem.”
Grumpy Smurf doesn’t seem to care. He just keeps walking forward with the whole village following us. I really wish Turic was here. Everything is better with Turic around.
Meteors are raining down from the sky, the sporadic thump, thump, thump, is starting to blend in with the surroundings and I don’t even really notice the sound anymore. A meteor crashes into the ground not too far away and everyone jumps.
Grumpy Smurf walks for about an hour and after a while the steady rhythm of his gait mixed with the blood flowing to my head makes me fall asleep.
I wake up startled as he stops abruptly. “We’re here,” he whispers, smacking my ass.
I can only see behind him and I don’t like what I see. Every stinking Drandroka has their spears, knives, and bow and arrows out and ready to go. Their eyes are wide and flighty. Their blue muscles tight.
Every single one of them is totally on edge.
My blue horse puts me down and I swallow hard as I turn around slowly. We’re at the end of a canyon, at the tip of a horseshoe. The rock walls tower high around us and there’s no escape. The ground is white and looks like it’s covered in snow.
But it’s not snow.
> It’s bones. Big bones the size of buses.
The wind is making a strange wooshing sound. In and out. In an out. It sends my pulse racing and a vicious tremor erupts through my body.
I don’t like this place.
I wish that I could hide behind Turic but he’s not here. I turn to find a new hero but the army of angry Smurfs all have their spears pointed at me, urging me forward.
“It’s not the Kaleem,” I hiss at them in a whisper. “It’s a tattoo.” Ah, what’s the use?
I turn back with a whimper and something catches my eye. Three white ovals that look impossibly smooth against the sharp edges of the flaky rock walls. At first, I think they’re more bones but there’s a huge nest-like thing around them. Huge logs and whole trees complete with the long roots trailing out behind them like torn-out guts make up the nest instead of little branches and twigs.
“Oh, my God!” I whisper, my trembling hand flying to my mouth. That’s no bone. That’s a dinosaur egg.
Okay. That’s enough of this. I turn and march right into a wall of pointy spears. “Excuse me,” I say tapping the rock spearhead that’s a hair away from my belly. “I don’t care what you think I am. But I’m getting the fuck out of here. I didn’t travel five million light years to be a freaking T-Rex’s brunch.”
All eyes widen as dozens of heads roll back, looking up. I gulp.
“She’s behind me isn’t she?”
They don’t answer. They all just simultaneously take a step back.
“I’m going to pretend that she’s not behind me.”
A booming roar rips through the canyon making me jump out of my skin.
“Oh, God,” I whisper as I turn around, the roar still echoing down the canyon.
Yup, just as I feared. A fucking T-Rex. She’s standing at the top of the canyon looking down at her special delivery. Free food delivered right to her doorstep.
She leaps down and slams into the ground with a force that nearly knocks me to my feet.
All but a few of the Drandroka flee. The ones that remain, retreat to the farthest possible spot in the canyon where they can still watch the grisly scene about to happen.
Thanks for leaving a spear, you dicks.
The Tyrannosaurus Rex is staring at me with her tiny eyes. Her teeth are the stuff of nightmares. Her tail the stuff of horrors. Her tiny hands the stuff of…well, her tiny hands are kind of funny looking.
She opens her massive jaws and lets out a squeaking roar that has my heart pumping like a fucking jackhammer on steroids. I swallow as I look around for a weapon. A rock. A stick. Anything.
If I’m going to die, I’m going to die fighting.
Because that’s how we do shit on planet earth.
There’s nothing but dirt and rocks that I couldn’t possibly lift up around me so I stuff my hands in my pockets hoping for a miracle. Maybe a rocket launcher.
The key to my tiny apartment.
It’s all I have. I must have left my rocket launcher in my other shorts.
I slide the key between my fingers and hold up my fists, hoping that maybe the T-Rex will die of laughter.
She doesn’t look intimidated in the least. Hungry, yes. Intimidated, no.
I really wish Turic was here. I’d even take Tin Tom.
The dinosaur lowers her gigantic head and lets out a deafening roar that coats me in hot saliva. It leaves my ears ringing so loud that I can’t hear anything. At least I won’t be able to hear her chewing me alive.
She rears up on her two skyscraper legs and roars again. At least I think she does. I can’t hear anything.
I hold my fist up with the key clenched between my fingers and close my eyes with my ears ringing, waiting for the teeth to slice into me.
I cringe as I feel a whoosh and then a thump on the ground that throws me backward with a concussive force. I grunt as I slam into the hard ground, scraping up my elbows.
The impact was even stronger than when the T-Rex landed and I don’t want to imagine the size of the beast that landed that hard. My right eyelid creeps open for a peek. “What?” I open both of my eyes with a gasp, staring forward in disbelief.
There’s a huge, sizzling, smoking meteor dug into the spot where the T-Rex was standing a moment ago. It’s the size of a house and a stream of red blood begins to leak out from underneath.
“Wow,” I say still not able to hear anything over the ringing in my ears. I wish I had my eyes open to see that.
I can feel the heat radiating from the rock and it’s so hot that I have to crawl back. My thoughts are fuzzy. I can’t seem to think straight as I stare at it.
That hunk of rock just saved my life. I’d give it a hug if it wasn’t glowing red hot.
My hearing comes back to chants of “Saku.” Over and over again. “Saku! Saku! Saku!”
I grunt as I push up to me knees with my apartment key still clutched in my fist. “Saku! Saku! Saku!” It gets louder and louder, echoing through the canyon.
When I turn and look back at the Drandroka they all drop to their knees, bowing their blue heads to the ground. “Saku! Saku! Saku!”
“That’s right!” I scream as I push up to my feet. I slam my fist against my chest with a King Kong thud. “I AM THE FUCKING SAKU!”
Maybe not. But they don’t have to know that.
thirteen
I walk back into the village like a goddamn warrior princess.
Wait until Turic gets a load of this. He’s going to shit his animal skin loincloth.
“Where’s Loupin?” I holler, with my army of loyal blueberries following behind me. I storm through the village calling his name. “Loopy. Loupster. Shoop-a-loop! Where are you, you leathery little fuck?”
He steps out of a Hobbit-hole house with a look of mixed shock and terror on his face.
“Didn’t expect to see me again? Did ya?” I say, wagging my finger in his face. “Well, that’s right. I am the fucking Saku!”
He drops to his knees and bows, splaying his body on the ground like a squished spider. “Oh no,” I say with my hands on my hips. “It’s a little late for that shit. Where’s my Sexy Smurf?”
“Smurf?” one of the Drandroka behind me asks.
“Turic. Bring me to Turic.”
He darts away and I have to sprint as fast as I can to keep up. Fuck these guys move fast.
Speedy Smurf brings me to a tall gray tree with no leaves. My Turic is there. Tied up with his head dipped down, his chin on his chest. He looks devastated.
“Thanks, Cookie Monster,” I whisper to the Drandroka behind me. “Give us a minute, will ya?”
“Pontuck,” he whispers back.
“Huh?”
“Pontuck’s name is Pontuck,” he says with his blue head bowed. His long, dark, blue hair is tied up in a bun on the top of his head. He looks like a hunter with the quiver of feathered arrows strapped to his back and the tall bow wrapped around his muscular shoulder.
“Well, from now on your name is Cookie Monster,” I say, tapping the silky bun on his head. “The Saku commands it.”
He raises his head with a proud gleam in his eye. “Cookie Monster,” he whispers to himself as he stands a little taller with his chest thrust out and his shoulders back. “Thank you, glorious Saku, for this wondrous honor. You fill Cookie Monster with great pride.”
I shrug. “I do what I can. Now please, leave us.”
He darts off as fast as one of the feathered arrows strapped to his back and suddenly I’m alone with Turic.
His big hulking body slowly heaves up and down with heavy breaths, his shoulders drooping forward, his spine bowed and curved. His eyes are closed like it’s too painful to open them.
I step forward quietly, watching him with my chest aching. He looks like he’s lost all of his will to live and it’s in that moment when I realize what I mean to him.
What he means to me.
I think I’ve fallen for my big Sweet Smurf.
My breath is caught in my throat as I step for
ward, reach up, and stroke the back of my hand down his cheek. His eyes are dull as he opens them. His expression slack.
Until he sees me.
“My Avery,” he whispers, his eyes widening as that sparkle that I love so much comes back. He’s staring down at me with wonder and admiration.
I answer him with a soft kiss. I stroke his face as I study the hard, angular curve of his jaw, the chiseled lines of his mouth, his strong masculine nose, his smoky blue eyes. He’s the most gorgeous thing that I’ve ever seen.
“My Turic,” I whisper as I trace my fingertip over his soft damp lips. “I love you.”
I say it in English so he doesn’t say it back but I can tell with the way he’s looking at me, with every movement in his body, that he feels it too. He’s in love with me as well.
“You’re alive?” he asks, straightening his shoulders back. He’s tied to the tree behind him with strong ropes that feel like metal, only they’re not. “You killed the many fanged beast?”
“Uh,” I say, pressing my index finger to my bottom lip. “Technically, no. But she is dead.”
I can still picture the bitch’s stiff tail sticking out from under the meteor. She’s dead.
His blue eyes light up. “The prophecy was true. My Avery is the Saku.”
“This is kind of awkward,” I say holding my elbow as I swing back and forth. “That’s what everyone thinks but it’s still just a shitty tattoo.”
“My Avery is the Saku,” he says, raising his chin with beautiful pride all over his stunning face.
I shrug. “We can talk about this later.” After I bask in that admiration for a bit.
I call in a Drandroka and order him to cut down my Turic. The first thing Turic does is yank out his bone dagger with pure murder on his face. I know he would never harm me but I take a step back anyway. He looks scary as hell when he’s in his blue berserker mode.
“The mighty Turic will slay every last Drandroka who laid their hands on my Avery,” he growls, flexing his muscles as he stares ahead.