How was it possible he was more nervous than me? How come I wasn’t nervous at all?
The Steps.
They cascaded in my mind. I could surrender, finally, to this man I had resisted from the beginning. I felt fearless, brave, generous and confident enough to accept him. I trusted Will, which gave me courage to face whatever our future held. And I was so wildly curious to find out what this man was like in bed, what we would be like together. A new feeling rose inside me, exuberance, the ultimate promise of Step Nine. We were joy in action.
We stumbled into the restaurant, laughing and kissing, tripping over the shoes we kicked off in our rush up the stairs, Will frantically untying the back of my bodice, me helping him off with his T-shirt, in a room that would never feel lonely again.
He was far from the timid lover I had imagined him to be. He was ferocious and gentle all at once, and I reached to match him. I pulled him, kissing him with full force, leaving no mistake about my longing. This man was mine. Standing above me, shirtless, his beautiful arms and chest on display, he whipped off his belt. Then he threw his jeans and underwear across the room.
“Shit,” he muttered, something dawning on him. He bolted to retrieve the tossed jeans, shaking them to release a wallet, which he then savaged for a condom. A man had never secured one so fast in his life, I thought, watching him slide it on. Returning to the mattress, he knelt and opened my legs. His eyes took in the length of me, and he shook his head as though he could not have imagined the moment more perfectly. Then he hovered over me, showering me with kisses, gentle, then more deliberate, beginning an achingly slow trail from my neck, down to my clavicle, and lingering at my breasts. I couldn’t contain my giggles as he inched his way down me, his stubble tickling my skin. He stopped every once in a while to gaze back up at my face, his eyes searching mine, making me beg for him. I am about to have sex with Will Foret, my boss, my friend, my man.
My breathing turned shallow and my back arched as he glided into me. What is it called when you yearn for someone and yet they’re right there with you, giving you exactly what you want? What do you call something that stirs your heart, head and body at the same time? With the other men, I had been fully there physically, but my heart was never fully awakened. With Will, every part of me was alive beneath him. My head was saying yes, my body was saying now, and my heart was near to bursting with the wonder of it all. Is that what it is to love? Yes, I thought, this is love., I realized. Here is my love, my young old man, my Will.
“You’re so beautiful like this,” he whispered, the words catching in his throat a little.
“Oh, Will.” It was hard to believe this was possible, this feeling of ecstasy. I writhed beneath him, mad with desire. I wanted to come, I had to, and yet I wanted to stop, to freeze this feeling of liquid joy inside of me.
“I’ve wanted to do this since the day we met,” he said.
He moved up to kiss my face. His slow, deep movements elicited a thousand surrenders from me. His elbows rested on either side of my head, as he smoothed back my hair, his eyes searching my face. And then he began to hunger for something he had only begun to taste. I could see it in his expression. In a single smooth motion, he flipped me on top of him.
I placed my hands on his muscled shoulders and my hips matched his rhythm. He was feeling it too, I knew it: a pleasure bigger and stronger than anything experienced before. As bliss shot up and through me, I could only throw myself into it more fervently. When I came, I heard him calling my name, his torso arching as he filled me, melding his beautiful body with mine.
Afterwards, I lay across his chest. The chill outside, our breath, our bodies warming the room had caused the windows to steam up. Before I could really calm my breathing, his mouth found mine for a lingering kiss. Then he fell back again and closed his eyes. Both of us were lost in a quiet serenity.
“I think you’re probably going to be late for work tomorrow,” he said softly a while later. “And I think I’m okay with that.”
I laughed as I rested my head against his chest, listened to his heart. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to him, kissing the top of my head.
“Have you really thought of doing that since the day we met?” I asked.
“Yup. And pretty much nothing else, Cassie.”
A terrible doubt rose in me. I needed to know.
“So, why did you guys break up?” This explained Tracina’s moodiness, her absences the past few weeks.
He closed his eyes like a man who knows he has to deliver news he’d rather forget about. “Couple weeks ago I caught some texts that went back and forth between her and that D.A. from the auction. But it’s been over between us for longer. She just handed me an excuse.”
“Was she cheating on you?”
“She says no. But I don’t really care either way. It doesn’t matter. It’s over.”
“What’ll she say when she finds out about us?”
“She’ll say, ‘Told you so.’ She always knew I was a little bit in love with you.”
A little bit in love with me? He must have sensed my astonishment. “Yeah, you heard me,” he said, tickling my sides. “Does that scare you? Me saying it?”
“Nah, you said a little bit in love, you didn’t say a lot in love. That would scare me.”
“Well—” he began.
I slapped a hand over his delicious mouth.
“Don’t!” I said, resting on an elbow and hovering over his very handsome and now very pensive face.
He removed my hand and kissed it. “You’re different than I thought you’d be, you know,” he said, regarding me intently.
“You mean … in bed?”
“No. I don’t mean the sex, not exactly. I mean you. You seem more … together. More confident, I don’t know. I mean, I always saw you like that, but I didn’t think you did, until lately. Lately you’ve just been more … more you.”
I smiled down at him, having just received the best compliment of my life.
“You know, I think you’re right. I think maybe I am more me lately,” I said, leaning in for another kiss.
And moments later we fell asleep to the sound of the sax player who held court after hours in the doorway of Café Rose, hat at his feet, putting his own loneliness to music as mine dissipated into the night.
How I left Will sleeping there I’ll never know. I guess I assumed I’d see him again a few hours later, after I raced home, fed the cat, showered and put on a nice pair of jeans and a sexy top to open the restaurant.
Turned out I wasn’t late. I was early, in fact, early enough that I managed to have the coffee brewed before our first customer walked through the door, stepping over the Times-Picayune instead of doing the polite thing by bringing it in for me. But I wasn’t mad. Nothing could get me down that day, I decided, not the rain, nor the fact that the girls had left the room upstairs a bloody mess, one that would likely fall to me to clean. After all, Will and I had contributed to the mess, hadn’t we? Will and me. Me and Will. Were we an us? I hoped so. No. It’s too soon to think that way, Cassie. There was still the matter of collecting my charm, and telling Matilda I’d made my decision. I was choosing a relationship with a man I loved over S.E.C.R.E.T. And I was grateful, so very grateful, that this decision was such an easy one to make. The sexual emancipation of Cassie Robichaud was complete.
Admittedly, a part of me would miss the excitement. And I loved the feeling of sorority I got from the women in S.E.C.R.E.T., women like Matilda and Angela and Kit. I could only imagine what it would be like to help facilitate fantasies for another woman, to pass the lessons down. But I wanted a life with Will. Something in me knew it would be fulfilling and loving and fun. He’d already proven to me that sex with him could be all that I needed, wanted or ever imagined. And I was ready to do that for him too.
No, nothing could bring me down on that day, until I saw Tracina trudge around the corner from the condo, waiting for a soda truck to pass before slowly crossing Frenchmen, her a
rms tightly wrapped around her. I felt a twinge of guilt despite my certainty that I’d done nothing wrong. They broke up. We weren’t friends. I owed her nothing. Still, I fled to the back of the Café and busied myself with sandwich prep. My stomach dropped when I heard the door chimes announce her arrival. She said hello to a couple regulars. Why was she here so early? I quickly tossed out a dozen bread slices like I was dealing cards.
“Hey,” she said, sending me to the ceiling.
“Ah!”
“Whoa, Cassie, relax. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I let out a nervous laugh. “It’s okay. I’m just a little jumpy.”
She asked about the show. She’d heard that I danced after all.
“I made an ass out of myself,” I said, shrugging.
“That’s not what I heard.”
She knew something. I could tell by the tone of her voice. Will and I had left Blue Nile holding hands.
“I’m just glad it’s over,” I said, slashing mayo across the bread, avoiding her eyes.
“Did Will show up?”
“Ah … I think so, yeah.”
“He didn’t come home last night,” she said, pulling her coat tighter to her. I wanted to scream, What do you mean, “home”? You guys broke up. He’s been sleeping upstairs for the past two weeks! He told me.
“Did you happen to see him leave last night?”
“I didn’t see him leave. Nope,” I lied.
“Did you go to Maison with the rest of the girls after the show?”
“Nah, I just went right home.”
“I guess that’s why I didn’t see you there.”
My blood chilled. I was being cued that yes, indeed, Tracina knew something. Panic crept in. Would she tear my eyes out, kick in my teeth? Good God, where was Will?
“Will said you weren’t feeling well yesterday. Are you better now?” I asked.
“I’ve recovered. Mornings are the worst. I mean look at my skin,” she said. Reluctantly, I scanned her face and had to admit that her skin was a little sallow, her eyes a little sunken. “But the doctor said the morning sickness will pass soon, when I enter my second trimester.”
Second trimester? What the—? “Are you …?”
“Pregnant? Yes, Cassie, I am. But I wanted to be sure because I’d been down this road before and then been disappointed. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for certain. And now … I know for certain.”
She placed a hand on her stomach, which, now that I was staring right at it, did seem to exhibit a bit of a swell.
“Does … Will know?”
Her eyes met mine. “He does now. I called him. About an hour ago. He came rushing right over.”
It must have been just after I left to go home and change. “What did he say?”
“He was so happy he was … nearly in tears. Can you believe that?” she said, her own eyes welling.
I could believe that this news would bring tears to Will’s eyes. I could. In fact, right then and there, I also choked up.
“It’s all very sudden, I know. But after I told him this morning, he proposed to me. He’s such a good man, Cassie. And you know how much he loves my brother. And wants to set a good example for him.”
My mind was spinning. How can this be happening? I picked him and he picked me.
I opened my mouth, but all I could manage was “I don’t know what to say.”
She eyed me, her whole body relaxing now that she had this out of her system.
“Just say congratulations, Cassie. Leave it at that.”
“Congratulations,” I said, moving in for an awkward hug. I couldn’t breathe for a second, so when the doors chimed, I used it as an excuse and quickly walked out front.
But it wasn’t a customer. It was Will, looking as haunted as I’d ever seen him.
“Cassie!”
“I gotta go,” I said. “Tracina’s in the kitchen.”
“Cassie, wait! I didn’t know! What can I do? What can I say?”
I turned to face him. “Nothing, Will. You’ve made your choice. There’s nothing more to do.”
Tears spilled down my cheeks. He reached out to wipe them, but I moved his arm away.
“Please don’t go, Cassie,” he whispered, begged.
I plucked my coat off the rack and threw it on, leaving the door open as I walked out of Café Rose. As I went south on Frenchmen, the cold rain began to subside. My walk turned to a jog at Decatur as I made my way through the French Quarter, already waking up to the day’s festivities. At Canal, Mardi Gras madness was gearing up and I moved through the crowd at a crazed pace. I had to get out of here. At Magazine, when I bent over, gasping to catch my breath, I realized I was still wearing my waitressing apron. I didn’t care. Images of my body entwined with Will’s flashed through my mind. His kisses, his chest flexing beneath me, the way he cradled my head in his hands. I clutched my side as the sobs wrenched their way to the surface. My Will, my future, dissolved. Just like that. I let a packed bus pass, then another one. I decided to walk to Third Street so I could keep crying, not caring who saw me, the throngs of tourists fighting for a prime spot on the parade route.
Oh, Will. I loved him, but there was nothing to do. I couldn’t be the woman who took a father away from his baby. One perfect night, that’s what we had, and now I had to let it go. I’d learned from the other men how to be with them, then let them go. Could I do this with Will? I had to try.
Crossing under the Pontchartrain Expressway, I started to feel my body relax as the tourists thinned out. The dank smell of the French Quarter gave way to the scent of flowering vines snaking up the houses in the Lower Garden District. The rain had stopped and the widening sidewalks put my heart at ease.
Turning up Third, I was reminded of my first foray down this lush street and how my fear had stopped me in my tracks so many times that day. Now, I stood here again, soaking wet, my heart bruised. I was once so afraid of the world. And even though I was in pain, the fear was gone, replaced with a true and real sense of myself. I had my feet on the ground. I was heavy-hearted, but I would survive this and be made stronger. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I had to do.
Danica buzzed me past the entrance. I made my way slowly across the courtyard, marveling at how spring came to New Orleans in February. Before I even knocked on the big red door, Matilda opened it, an expectant smile on her face.
“Cassie. Are you here for your final charm?”
“I am.”
“So you’ve made your decision?”
“I have.”
“Are you saying goodbye to us, or are you choosing S.E.C.R.E.T?”
I stepped over the threshold and handed Danica my wet coat. “I’m choosing S.E.C.R.E.T.”
Matilda clapped her hands, then placed them on my cheeks.
“First let’s dry those tears, Cassie. Then we’ll phone the Committee. Danica, put some coffee on. It’s going to be a long meeting,” she said, gently shutting the big red door behind us.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thank you to everyone at Random House of Canada and Doubleday Canada for throwing instant support behind this book: Brad Martin, Kristin Cochrane, Scott Richardson, Lynn Henry, and Adria Iwasutiak. Also to Suzanne Brandreth and Ron Eckel for your incredible work in Frankfurt. And thank you Molly Stern, Alexis Washam, Catherine Cobain, Jacqueline Smit, and Christy Fletcher for being early adopters. Much gratitude to Lee-Anne McAlear, Vanessa Campion, Cathie James and Charlene Donovan (Monkey!); and for the time off and support, thank you Tracie Tighe, Alex Lane and Mike Armitage. Love and thanks to my family, especially my first reader, my sister, Sue. And if not for Nita Pronovost, my fierce and tireless editor, this book would not exist. Thank you.
READER’S GUIDE TO
S·E·C·R·E·T
ABOUT THE BOOK
Widowed at a young age after a disastrous marriage, Cassie Robichaud has settled into a quiet life with narrow boundaries: the restaurant where she works, the “Spinster Hotel” where she l
ives, and the sad, constant awareness of how long it has been since she has been with a man. Cassie moves through her daily routine clad in bleak practicality—hair in a hasty ponytail, sensible work shoes, stained shirt—escaping only briefly with a run through her neighborhood, chats with her boss and friend, Will, and a voyeur’s longing for the romantic happiness that seems to come so easily to her patrons. When one of them leaves behind a notebook full of salacious sexual details, Cassie gets her first glimpse into a new world of sexual empowerment.… And her first introduction to the unusual sorority that will transform her life. Dedicated to passion, pleasure, and sensual discovery, S.E.C.R.E.T. is all about women living their sexual lives to the fullest.… And for Cassie, it’s the key to sexual emancipation at last.
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
1. What compelled you to read this book?
2. How does the book fit in with modern popular erotica? Have you read other books with a similarly sexual theme? How does this one compare?
3. Did you enjoy the writing? What constitutes good writing in this genre? Do you hold it to the same standards as other novels or popular fiction?
4. How do you imagine the spark between Will and Cassie first occurred? Why is she so reluctant to date him during the years of their friendship? Do you think they would make a good couple?
5. What qualities do the members of S.E.C.R.E.T. see in Cassie that make her an appealing candidate? Do you agree with their assessment? Why do you think they are so sure of her acceptance of their offer?
6. How have Cassie’s experiences with her father and husband shaped her view of men and relationships? Does her opinion of men change during the course of the book?
7. During her ski trip, Cassie reflects on the sacrifices she made for Scott and the ways in which she gave up—or never explored—her own passions in order to please him. Has she begun to more fully explore her own interests through her year with S.E.C.R.E.T.? What is she discovering about herself, and what (if anything) do you think she still needs to discover?
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