As soon as the door shuts, I walk back downstairs. When Ryley asked if she could speak to Evan alone, I couldn’t say no. He’s been back for a month and I’m already imagining the worst happening. I don’t want to think that she cheated, but the thoughts are there. Any man in my position would think the same. I hate that I am, but my gut is telling me she cheated.
Standing in the doorway to the kitchen, Ryley fiddles with the few dishes in the sink. My uneaten sandwich sits on the table, wrapped in plastic wrap and waiting for me to devour it. My stomach growls, but I can’t eat. The thought of food right now makes my stomach twist into knots. My relationship with Ryley is about to be tested and it’s very unsettling.
The urge to go to her, to stand behind her and kiss her neck is as strong as it was before I left. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act right now. Are we still engaged or did she call that off the minute Evan showed up? Yesterday, I was talking about getting married and hopefully conceiving another child before I deployed, but now I’m not even certain that she wants me to touch her. I’ve always been second to Evan in her eyes; that’s something I’ve accepted. He’s her first true love and nothing ever replaces that.
My steps are cautious and yet calculated as I approach her. She sees me out of the corner of her eye but continues to wash the dishes. I reach around, shutting off the water and encasing her with my arms. I hold her as she sags against me. The first sob breaks my heart and the second shatters it to pieces. Her knees buckle and I guide us to the floor, bringing her onto my lap. Her tears soak my shirt, intensifying the ache I’m already feeling for her.
We’ve been here before, on the kitchen floor with her on my lap. After I was given the news about Evan, I left the base in Afghanistan and came straight to her. Something told me that she’d need me more than my mother would and I was right. Ryley wasn’t just alone after losing Evan, but pregnant as well. No one knew at the time, except for her and Evan... and then me. Ryley hadn’t gotten around to telling anyone in hopes that Evan wouldn’t be gone long. This time it’s different but with the same result, heartbreaking tears over my brother.
Holding her against my chest, my hand rubs up and down her back in an attempt to soothe her. It makes me wonder if she did this with Evan – or even Lois – or if she’s been holding on until I got home. This is a side of Ryley that Evan has never seen. He wasn’t there to pick her up off the bathroom floor after she spent all night crying in there. He wasn’t around to make sure she ate, or went to her doctor’s appointments. He wasn’t pacing the floor, desperate to get into the delivery room with each cry he heard.
That was me.
He would’ve been there for all of those things, given the chance. My brother would not have missed the birth of his son; I know that for a fact. I also know he never did anything to make Ryley cry, nothing intentional at least, and would’ve been the first one to scoop her up in his arms and fix whatever was causing her pain.
I couldn’t do that for her then, and I can’t do that for her now. He’s the cause. It’d be easy for me to remind her that these tears are all because of him, but I can’t. He’s my brother and whether he sees us that way or not, I refuse to badmouth him.
Ryley turns in my arms, her head resting on my shoulder. “He just showed up. I came home from the store, and he was here. He looked the same, he spoke the same, but… remember when I thought I’d see Evan at the beach or coming off base? You’d remind me that he wasn’t coming back, and yet there he was in the flesh. I screamed at him, Nate. I said mean, hurtful things to him when he hadn’t done anything wrong.
“He just stood there, dumbfounded and hurt. That hurt quickly turned to anger when he saw my ring and I told him who it was from. The look in his eyes, it’s something I’ve never seen from him. And then when he asked about EJ, I lost it.”
“What do you mean when he asked about EJ?” I ask, in confusion. Evan knew she was pregnant, but he couldn’t have known his son’s name.
“That’s just it, he knew. He knew everything. Evan had pictures of EJ and me. He had letters from us. Packages from home... None of them died. Him, River, McCoy and Rask were all getting care packages and letters.”
Ryley’s words stun me and as much as I’d like to call bullshit, I know she’s telling the truth. Words rattle around in my brain, but nothing comes out of my mouth. Who would do this to us? To the team? And why?
“Did Evan say where he was?”
Ryley shakes her head. I knew that’d be her answer that he wouldn’t divulge classified information, but I had to ask. Instead of leaning against me, where I’d like her to be, she sits up. Her beautiful face is stained from tears, her gorgeous red hair is falling out of her ponytail and her eyes are puffy and red. It’s been years since I’ve seen her like this. We’ve been happy for so long and for this to happen, while it should be a miracle, is unheard of.
“I love him,” she says, her voice breaking. I knew this was coming I was just hoping that it wouldn’t be today or tomorrow. Can I live with her knowing that she’s in love with Evan? Yes, I know I can because I have been for years... but he wasn’t here then. He is now.
“I know you do.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
My eyes close for fear that I’m going to break down in front of her. She’s only seen me cry a few times and right now doesn’t need to be another. I know what’s coming. I knew the minute I saw them walk in together.
“Ry, I can’t tell you what to do. Hell, I don’t even know what the answer is. Our lives have been rocked by tragedy and we’ve survived so I’m pretty sure we can survive this. Whether it be together or apart, we do it together. But before you make a decision, know how much I love you. Know how much I love EJ.”
I take a deep breath and pull her back into my arms. It may be the last time I get to hold her, although I plan to do everything in my power to ensure that’s not the case. “You and EJ, you’re my world. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. You make me tick. You’re my better half. You give me something to look forward to at the end of the night. You’ve been my rock for as long as I can remember. We’re about to get married and expand our family... none of that has to change. I’ve known for years that you love Evan, and I’ve respected that.”
“It’s different, Nate.”
I know that, but I don’t tell her. I hold her because for all I know she’s going to tell me to pack my shit and leave. That’s not what I want and it’s not what she needs. Being alone with her thoughts is a dangerous thing for her.
“Someone did this to us, Nate. Why would they do this?”
“I don’t know but I promise you I’m going to find out.”
It’s in this moment that I vow to find out how this happened. I don’t know how, but I’m going to. Someone has to pay for what they’ve done to my family. Someone has to answer for what they’ve put Ryley through. Imagining the agony of seeing Evan alive after everything she went through; I can’t even begin to describe how angry it makes me knowing I wasn’t home to help her. Losing my brother was unthinkable, but I have never seen someone break the way she has. When my father died, my mother cried but was stoic. Ryley crumbled. She lost her world and wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out, but she couldn’t. Being pregnant saved her life as far as I’m concerned.
“I don’t want Livvie here,” I blurt out, losing my filter. My sister hasn’t been Ryley’s cheerleader these past few years and the fact that she’s here is rubbing me the wrong way.
“She’s your sister,” Ryley says so quietly that had there been any noise, I wouldn’t have heard her. I pull her a little closer and kiss the top of her head, leaving my nose and mouth pressed there.
“I know,” I say after pulling away. “But her intentions aren’t to help you with EJ, she’s here because she wants to be with Evan. If that’s what she wants, she can go stay at Carter’s.”
I know my timing probably sucks but I want to lay down some ground rules about Livvie being
here. I don’t like it and don’t believe that Livvie is here for anyone but Evan. I know she won’t do anything to hurt EJ, but that doesn’t mean she won’t be a brat to Ryley as she always has been.
“Your mom kicked her out.”
Sighing, my head taps lightly against the cabinet. When Evan died, my mother shut off. I thought when she found out about EJ things would change, but sometimes I think his birth just made things worse for her. Livvie was always closer to Evan than she was to me, which never bothered me until she all but alienated Ryley. Most of that was due to my mother, and the fact that Ryley and I started dating.
“My mom…” I cut myself off before I can even begin to defend her.
“Thinks I’m a whore.”
Her words sting because Ryley is anything but. I turn slightly so I can look into her eyes. “You’re not a whore. Why would you even say that?”
Her eyes fill up with tears again and my heart plummets, expecting the words “I cheated” to come out of her mouth even though I don’t want to believe she could do that to me. I know how Evan feels about her, though, and if he didn’t know she’d thought he was dead, he’d have expected her to wait for him.
“I kissed him, Nate. I did it more than once and I wanted more. I’m sorry, but I did it and I hate myself.”
Kissing I can live with even though I shouldn’t have to. Sex is another story. Regardless of where Evan has been, we knew him as dead. After we buried him we all worked to move on and provide for EJ. None of it was easy.
“Ry –”
“No, please listen. When I see him, I’m taken back to what we had and what we’ve missed out on. It’s hard to not want to be with him, but it’s also hard not to want to be with you as well. I’m confused, hurt, and angry and I feel incredibly lost right now. I’m a nightmare when all I wanted to be was a fairytale.
“Life isn’t a fairytale, Ry.” I cup her cheek and she covers my hand with hers. Her smile is soft and hits me right in my heart.
“My life has felt like a fairytale, for the most part, since I met you and Evan. You both have made me feel like I’m a princess in your own ways.”
I pull her close and press my lips to hers. The soft feel of her lips give me hope. Even though she’s in my arms, I feel distant, like this is an out of body experience. Hell, maybe I’m hallucinating. I’m still in the desert waiting to shoot my rifle and when I come home she’s waiting for me with open arms and none of this is happening. But just as I told her that life isn’t a fairytale, it’s not a dream either.
It’s reality, and reality is ugly.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” I say, pulling her into my arms. When she sags against me I know deep down that she and I are going to be together. I don’t know how but we’ll make it work, taking a vow that we have planned to stay with each other, for better or for worse, and apply it now. Ryley has to know that I’m in this for the long haul no matter what.
Before I can reassure her that I’m not going anywhere the front door opens, but Ryley doesn’t move. Knowing that it could be Evan and she’s still in my arms comforts me. It’s hard not to think about what lies ahead. The road before us isn’t forking, it’s damn well splitting with too many options. Sadly, not a single option is favorable for all parties involved. Life is going to get messy, and I hate messy. I need order.
High pitched squeals and the thundering of little feet brings a smile to my face. I’ve missed my boy, and hate that I have to leave him again, but my duty is to my country. I know that each time I’m gone I’m protecting his future.
EJ comes around the corner, his smile spreading from ear to ear as he barrels toward us. Ryley catches him and maneuvers him between us. I have my family. We may be slightly unconventional, but we work. We love each other. Livvie clears her throat, making eye contact with me. I don’t even have to ask what she’s thinking; I can see displeasure written all over her face. The brother part of me should get up and talk to her, but holding my family in my arms is far more important.
I don’t know how long we sit on the kitchen floor holding each other, an hour maybe two. I’m not counting. I’d love to find a way to keep us here and shut out the outside world forever or for us to run off into the sunset and forget everyone around us. But truth be told, life just isn’t that easy - it’s unorganized, dysfunctional and crazy.
Take it from me... if you think your life is perfect, you’re lying to yourself.
THE SMELL OF BARBECUED food wafts through the air. As I look around River’s neighborhood I remember that most of the homes belong to sailors and their families. Before we left, there was a block party. We all came together, ate, drank and had a blast. Music played, people got to know each other and everyone had a good time. Everyone laughed. I remember thinking that I couldn’t wait to have one on my block, but that never happened. And sitting here now, watching the kids ride their bikes up and down the street, I’m not sure it’ll ever happen.
“I want this,” I say, spreading my arms out wide. “I want to see EJ riding his bike with his friends. I want bikes parked in my front yard and noise coming from my house. I want people to know that they can stop by anytime, just to say hi. That’s how my house was when Nate and I were growing up. My mom would bake cookies at night for the next day and my friends would be over all the time. It all stopped when we were sophomores and discovered that making out was better than Mom’s cookies.”
“You’ll have it,” River says, but his voice lacks the conviction I need to believe him. It’s hard for me to grasp that I can have what I want. I had it, but the Navy took it away.
“I don’t even know if I have a place to live,” I reply as I shake my head in frustration. “She asked me to leave, but never said to go back in an hour or two. She just asked, and I did it without hesitation because I’d do anything for her.” My pity party of one is growing by leaps and bounds. I shouldn’t be here dumping this on him; he has his own issues to work out. But I have nowhere else to go, at least no place that I trust.
“Ryley’s going through a lot, but I doubt she’ll kick you out.”
I scoff. “I’m not living with my brother. So either he leaves or I do and something tells me that it’s going to be me. He can claim squatter’s rights or whatever they’re called and there isn’t jack shit I can do about it. Nate’s lived there for the past however many years. He’s taken care of the house, EJ and as much as I hate admitting it, Ryley. I’m Charlie Bucket from Willy Wonka, looking through the window at the candy counter.”
Tipping the bottle back, I empty what’s left of its contents. Dwelling on what I can’t fix isn’t going to make things better for me and it’s definitely not going to improve my situation with Ryley. However, leaving her with my brother doesn’t sit well with me. I’ll have to fight to keep her and EJ, and he’s my enemy. I need to be front and present. I can’t be forgotten again.
“You know you can stay here,” River assures me. I know I can, but imposing is not in my nature, especially to a couple who could be going through the same things Ryley and I are. Six years is a long time to go without seeing each other, and to find each other again takes time. Time is not my friend right now.
“You and Frannie need time. I don’t want to impose.”
River looks over his shoulder quickly and shakes his head. “I’m home, but things are different. She doesn’t ask questions and acts like nothing is amiss. My clothes were still hanging in my closet, my boots by the door. My favorite beer was in the refrigerator and when I went to throw it out she said she had just bought it. I’m not sure what to think. Either she really held out hope, or she’s not right in the head.”
I try not laugh, but can’t keep it in. “That’s your wife you’re talking about.”
He shakes his head. “I know, and I’m trying to tell myself that she was just keeping everything because she hoped I would return, but it’s just odd especially when she buried me. Either way, you’re welcome here until… well, as long as you need. I could use the
company.”
“Thanks, man.”
A couple of River’s neighbors walk by, stopping to chat, and a few venture into territory that neither of us are willing to talk about. Everyone wants to know what happened. Where we’ve been and how we’re doing. Each neighbor is caring, offering us their shoulder as if we’d divulge our lives to them. That’s what I have Doc Howard for. I’ve told her classified information, facts that could possibly get me dishonorably discharged, but I trust her. Telling a stranger walking down the street, however, is never gonna happen.
“They’re nosey, yet caring.”
River chuckles. “You have no idea. The first night I was home, the doorbell rang every thirty seconds and every visitor brought food. Frannie doesn’t know this, but I took most of it down to the shelter.”
“Very noble of you.”
“Nah,” he says as he pops open another beer. “Do you ever wonder why the press isn’t hounding us? We were dead, Archer, and then showed up out of the blue as if nothing happened. Where are the talk shows and book deals?”
What he’s saying makes me wonder about the same thing and it perplexes me. We should be all over national TV and signing deals right and left to tell our story.
“Everything about that mission is a mystery. We extracted the package, only to be sent out continuously. We should’ve been home within ten days. Someone wanted us gone and we have to find out why and who.” Thinking about what I want to say next and making it sound plausible and not some lame ass attempt on my part to get Nate out of the way, is tricky. Sighing, I run my hand through my hair and stand.
“I know this woman. She works for Navy Intelligence – at least she did before we left. I’m going to call her up and see if she can help. Hopefully with her and Carole we can learn something. We’ve been home a month and I have a feeling shit isn’t even stirring enough to hit the fan.”
“Who is she?”
Smirking, I think this name will get a rise out of River. “Cara Hughes,” I pause to see if he has any recollection of who she is. When he doesn’t, I continue. “She was Nate’s girlfriend when we left.”
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