“Why did you leave my mom?”
Cutting right to the chase. I liked it. Taking a deep breath, I gave myself a moment to gather my thoughts. “I was young, dumb and selfish. I got scared. I started drinking a lot—you know I had to go to a special doctor for drinking too much in the past?” He nodded. Evan was very familiar with Hope Reigns and the struggles of the families who participated. “I struggled with alcohol all my life but then I made some mistakes, hurt some people pretty bad, and I turned to the bottle to console myself. I was pretty good at hiding it from others at that point. One day, I was in my car drinking by myself, thinking about how I was going to be a dad. Then it hit me. I would be a terrible father. The worst kind imaginable. An alcoholic. I figured your mother and you would be better off without me. I ran off, without even saying goodbye, just like that, and went back to New York City.
“My brother came after me, tried to talk some sense into me—” I left out the part of the story where Wes used his fist and broke my nose in trying to get his message across, “but it didn’t work. I was drinking during the day and at night by then, out of hating myself for the mess I had caused. Then, I heard your mom was dating Ray. I stayed far away from Poke. I’ve known Ray—your dad, since I was a kid. There never was a better man. So, I continued to stay away because I didn’t want to risk coming to town and messing up what your mom and Ray had going.” I ran my fingers through my hair again, trying to read Evan’s face. “Is any of this making sense?”
“Yes. Continue.” Sitting stoically, the kid didn’t move a muscle, his eyes barely even blinking as he absorbed my words.
“I heard they were getting married—your mom and dad. The finality of what I had done hit me. I came back to Poke and I showed up drunk, of course, to the wedding. Luckily, my brother got a hold of me before I could make a big scene. The next day, Wes sat me down and told me he booked me a place at Free Fall—a place for people like me to get well. He even called my boss and quit my job for me. Then he hopped on a plane and flew me to California. I was at Free Fall for six months. I haven’t had a sip of alcohol since.”
“Then you came back to the ranch?”
“Yes. Luckily, Wes never gave up on me and was willing to take me back at Lonestar. He’s a good man. I changed my ways, taking my life seriously for once. Tried to be good to my family, work hard, be good to others. Then the opportunity to open Hope Reigns came along and I took it. Seemed like a fitting way to spend my days—trying to help other families that had been hurt by alcohol like the pain I brought onto my own family.”
“Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
“It wasn’t my place to tell you. And your mom and dad wanted to tell you, but they were waiting until you were a bit older. They love you and want the best for you. I promise the only reason they didn’t tell you before you figured it out was because they were trying to do what is best. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy decision for them.”
He gave an understanding nod.
“I’m just—I’m sorry, Evan. For everything, and I’m glad I’m finally getting the opportunity to apologize to you in person. You deserve so much more than I could have given you. Of course, if I could pick, I never would have done anything to hurt you. But the way it ended up… I’ll just say, you couldn’t have gotten a better dad than Ray Stevenson. And he couldn’t have asked for a better son.”
His dark, little brows knitted together, his eyes locking on mine. When he spoke, his sincere words held a heavy tone. “I forgive you.”
“You do?” His words washed over me. I felt a tingling of disbelief dance across my skin. But when I looked in his eyes, I knew he meant it before he uttered his reassuring words.
“Yes. I do.”
“Where do we go from here?” I asked.
“I would like to be friends. I mean—we already are. We go riding together and stuff. But sometimes, I’d like to spend time with you alone, like this,” he gestured at the space across the table between us.
“I’d like that too. I’ll have to talk to your parents…”
“I already have.”
“Of course, you have.”
“I asked them if you were my father and after they gave me a long winding answer that ended in ‘yes’, I told them I would like to speak with you and I would like to hang out with you sometimes. They said, ‘okay’, and here we are now.”
“So, we are.”
“I’d like one more thing, if you don’t mind.”
“Shoot. Anything you want—as long as your parents approve.”
“Seeing as I’m your son, and you and Wes stand to inherit the ranch, I would like to be considered a part-owner of Hope Reigns, as well as the cattle raising side of the business. I want to learn how to run a ranch as well as a horse farm.”
I was speechless.
“It’s not the money,” he said with a wave of his hand, I think he mistook my silence for financial concern, “my dad has plenty of that. It’s the ranch itself. I’ve loved it since I was a kid and I feel I’m entitled to be a part owner, just like Wes’ daughter is.”
“Okay, you got it, little man. You can be a part owner and Wes and I will show you the ropes. And when I die, you will inherit my half of the ranch. Sound good?”
“I didn’t mean to make you think of your own mortality.”
The vocabulary on this kid. Geeze.
“You didn’t. And I’m happy to anyway. What’s mine is yours and Wes and I are always worrying over who’s going to take over the business when we grow too old to ranch. He will be thrilled—we both will—to hear that we have a little man rising up to handle the business.”
He gave his grown man nod again. “Then it’s settled.”
“Yes. Thank you, Evan—for talking to me. And for your forgiveness. You have no idea what it means to me.”
“You’re welcome,” he said with a sincere nod of his head
“How is Ray handling it?” Having returned from the Burger Barn with Evan—my son—I had grabbed a few private moments to chat with Jess about the heavy subject Evan and I had just discussed.
“It was hard on Ray at first, hearing Evan say that he wanted to spend time with you. You know just a natural instinct to protect what’s his—and a fear that Evan would find you, ‘cooler’. But he understands. And he wants what’s best for Evan. We knew this day would come, I just thought I had more time for him to mature first.”
“Seems like an incredibly mature kid to me.”
“He is, isn’t he? He must get that from me.” She gave a laugh and a wink. I think we both knew it came from Evan’s young eyes watching the way Ray handled the matters in his life. “Sometimes it’s uncanny, though, his mannerisms and such. He is a spitting image of you. It was stupid of Ray and me to think we could hide it from him for much longer.”
“I gave him my half of the ranch when I pass on.”
Her eyes widened. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“I did. He’s my son.”
“What if you and Bella have kids?” A knowing look flashed in her eyes. “Come on, Garrett. I’ve heard the talk. She’s your girlfriend now, right?”
“Yes.”
“Well, if you marry,” she gave a deep teasing nudge to my unprotected ribs, “she deserves half of what is yours. But we can work all that out another time. I’m just happy for you, Gare. It’s time you let go of your guilt and lived your life. Let someone love you. And I like Bella, I really do. She sure can raise some money too, so that’s a bonus.”
“Thanks again, Jess, for today, for bringing Evan here.”
“You’re welcome. I’m happy to help such a great cause. And I’m happy Evan knows. That was a heavy secret to keep. Until he came to us—asking if you were his father—I didn’t realize how heavily it was weighing on my shoulders.”
Apologizing for the hundredth time seemed like it would be a burden, so I just stood quietly.
Abruptly, Jessica pulled me into a hard hug. “Thank you… for Evan. I know it was
a mess in the past, but not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for that little boy. And you gave him to me so… thank you.”
My eyes stung, and the back of my throat burned. Today had been an emotional one. The day my son met me for the first time as his father.
The day I finally forgave myself.
Chapter 4
Bella
The Hopeful Heart day was a raging success. After my boss ravaged me in his office, I’d raised ten thousand dollars in two hours. And I’d eaten every bite of my Southwest Ranch salad, even though I didn’t love it. So, why when we pulled into my driveway after work did Garrett Love give the biggest, fakest yawn I have ever seen, and tell me he was too tired to come in?
Damn, damn, double damn. The first day of being my full-fledged boyfriend and he didn’t even kiss me goodbye.
Opening my freezer door, I stared at the Cherry Garcia beckoning me from within. What the heck? My boyfriend of less than twenty-four hours had practically dumped me. Why not resort to my old habits?
No, a nagging, handsome cowboy entered my brain, commanding me to open the fridge and eat the chicken and sautéed vegetables instead.
What a conundrum.
I settled for the chicken, promising myself an ice cream dessert afterwards. I removed the lid, slamming the microwave door just a little harder than necessary, and set the timer for two minutes. As I watched the food rotate, I reminded myself that Garrett had bought the food for me, prepared it for me, and even marked the container with how long to cook it.
Pushing my silly insecurities aside, I decided to throw a load of wash into the washing machine that said boyfriend had also purchased for me and had delivered to my house.
“Silly, Bella. Get a grip,” I mumbled as I shoved a month’s worth of dirty towels in the empty tub of the washer. I pushed down on the towels trying to make room for one more. Adding the soap, I turned the knob to ‘super’ load size and went back to the kitchen.
Just as I was biting down on a steaming piece of broccoli, my phone rang. Hope rose in my chest as I rushed to answer it. It was none other than my boyfriend, Garrett Love.
“Hello?” I tried to keep the middle school girl excitement from my voice, but it was impossible.
“Whatcha doin’?”
“Actually, at this very minute, I am digesting a piece of healthy broccoli, which I opted to eat instead of ice cream.”
“Good girl,” he laughed.
“What are you doing?”
“Sitting on my porch, thinking about you.”
“Are you now?”
“Yes. And feeling sorry that I rushed off when I dropped you off. Instead of coming in and doing bad things to you.”
My panties felt melty and I squirmed in my chair at the promise in his words. “Why’d you rush off so fast, then?”
“It was… a long day. I had to face the greatest mistake of my past today.”
I sat down, placing the dish on the coffee table and settling into my sagging couch. “Tell me.”
“You know Evan Stevenson, Ray and Jessica’s son? I think you’ve seen him around the ranch.”
The little black-haired boy who often came riding in the afternoons. The serious one who seemed to make it his responsibility to look out for the younger members of the program when he was there. The very same one who was a spitting image of Garrett Love.
“Yes, I do.”
“He’s my son.”
“I know,” I whispered. I had known it all along, even though I didn’t know that I knew it until I heard it said out loud.
“How’d you know?” he asked.
“I’ve seen you two, together. He looks just like you. One day when you both were leaning on a fence post, you had your arms and legs crossed in exactly the same manner. It was uncanny.” My memory flashed back to that day as I downed a big bite of chicken. Garrett and his mini me, leaning against the post, their heads cocked at exactly the same angle, their arms crossed just so, their dark gazes keeping a steady eye on the riders in the ring. “That and Jessica told me while you two were at the Burger Barn.”
Laughing, Garrett said, “Omitted that little fact, did you?”
“She was nervous. I think it slipped out. She raised a lot of money with that nervous energy though while she was waiting for you to return. She told me the whole, sordid story.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I didn’t want even one more person to know before Evan, but I had no idea when they would tell him. Did she tell you the part about me leaving her while she was pregnant?”
“She did.”
“Then I showed up drunk to Jess and Ray’s wedding—you know the icing on the cake kind of deal. That’s when Wes got me to Free Fall and saved my life. That kid is something else. Talks like a little grown up and more mature than most adults. But the best part was when he forgave me. I feel like I can finally move on.” Garrett cleared his throat, pausing before he spoke again. “I’m glad Jess told you. At least you had an idea of why I ran off so quickly tonight.”
“Actually,” I admitted shyly, “I was worried it was because of me.”
“Don’t be silly, Bella. I’m obsessed with you. Just an emotional day and I needed to catch my breath.”
Obsessed with me. The very idea sent delicious shivers down my spine. Just as I was trying to think up a super sexy retort, a loud, steady banging filled my house. “What the heck is that?”
“Obsessed with you? I am. I can’t get enough of you.”
“Not you, not what you said. The noise. There is some awful banging going on over here.” I jumped up from my seat and ran towards the back of the house where the noise was coming from. In the laundry room sat my brand-new washing machine, rocking back and forth.
“Shit,” I hissed through my teeth throwing the lid open. The tub slowed its turning and the deafening noise lessened until the machine came to a full stop and the house was quiet again.
“Bella—is that your washing machine?”
“Yes.”
“Did you overfill it like I told you not to?”
“Maybe.”
“Take half the stuff out, put it in a laundry basket, then make sure all the clothes are loaded evenly, and restart the washer. Then run the rest in a second load.”
“In my defense, it was towels.”
“Did you stuff them down in there?”
“Maybe.”
Garrett chuckled. “I’m going to let you go take care of that. And I’m sure you have some dishes to take care of.”
I did.
His voice lowered as it softened when he spoke again. “And, Bella, thanks for everything today. You were amazing.”
“You’re welcome, Garrett. I was happy to do it.”
“Night.”
“Goodnight.”
I continued to hold the phone to my ear until I heard the lonely depressing sound of the dial tone.
So—it wasn’t me after all. It had just been a… ‘my son of ten years who I have been living down the street from and seeing weekly figured out that I was his dad and left his mom when she was pregnant, kind of day’. I had had plenty of days like that of my own.
Sighing, I sank down on my couch. We all carried baggage with us. For some of us the bags were just heavier, packed all by ourselves with our choices. Thinking of the day, Garrett had made me think of my own son, Oliver.
Picking up the phone, I stared at the picture on the screen. It was Oliver, sitting proudly on top of Waffles, the apricot horse that was his favorite to ride. I hated to interrupt his evening routine, but after hearing of Garrett’s day I longed to hear Oliver’s voice.
“Hey, Bella,” the gruff voice of my ex said on the other end of the line. “You okay?”
“I’m fine, Dave. I just wanted to say ‘hi’ to Oliver if he isn’t too busy.”
“Just a sec, Bells.”
I heard my ex-husband calling for our son. There was long pause, then Dave returned to the phone. “He’s just finishing up a game
of Uno with his brothers. This round’s gotten pretty heated. Can he call you back?”
“Of course,” I said brightly. I knew I hadn’t earned the privilege most moms had of demanding that they came first, that their children end their card game and hurry to talk to them. I knew I would always be second place to his family now. And I knew it was my fault, and due to choices I had made in the past. “Or even tomorrow is fine. But only if he wants to.”
“Okay. Take care of yourself, Bells.”
“I will. You too.”
“Goodbye.” Again, the lonely dial tone buzzed in my ear.
Resting my head on the back cushion of the couch, I closed my eyes tight, pressing down the bile that threatened to rise. You can never go back and change the past. The vision of Garrett’s face danced behind my closed lids. You couldn’t change the past. It was true. But being able to walk through the future with someone who understood your past was possible. And a miracle. I began to wonder if there wasn’t something to all of Garrett’s talk about working hard at life to no longer make such foolish mistakes. Cherishing discipline and stability over chaos and flightiness.
A few months ago, one of Oliver’s avoided phone calls would have sent me straight to the freezer to devour a pint of mint chocolate chip. Three bottles of sparkling water later I would crawl into bed with all the lights on, the house a wreck. Instead, tonight, I had a renewed energy. I hopped up from the couch and went to the kitchen. Pulling on my yellow rubber gloves, I squeezed the last drop of soap into the sink and got to work beneath the lavender scented bubbles.
Bright eyed and ready for my day, I paced by my door even though it was only quarter to seven. I had gotten an amazing night of sleep, woke up refreshed, and even sang in the shower as I lathered my hair that morning.
At seven o’clock on the dot, Garrett’s truck pulled into the driveway. I rushed out to greet him, throwing myself into the cab and slamming the door. When I turned to Garrett, he leaned in, giving me a soft kiss on the cheek.
“That was from last night. Sorry, I didn’t do it then.”
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