Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet

by Lilliana Anderson

  “Then where were you? I couldn’t find you David. You weren’t answering your phone. You obviously weren’t checking your messages, and I didn’t want to catch the train on my own. Did you expect me to just hang around by myself in the hopes you’d come find me when you were done fucking Beth?”

  His expression turns cold as he pulls his head back and studies me like I’m a stranger in his room. “Fuck. You.”

  I gasp. “We’re insulting each other now?”

  “You know what, Trina. If you think you know so much, let me enlighten you a little on what I think. This all sounds like you got exactly what you wanted: me out of the way so you could run into the arms of yet another meathead, guilt free.”

  “That’s not true. Why are you angry with me?” I ask incredulously.

  “I’m not angry, Trina. I’m disappointed that our friendship doesn’t mean more to you. I’m annoyed that you didn’t trust I’d never leave you. I’m frustrated that you’ve started throwing yourself at men whenever we go out with your workmates. And I’m hurt that you can’t understand why it bothers me.”

  “Why do you even care what I do? You were so busy hitting on Beth, I’m surprised you had time to notice me.”

  “I was with you. You left me. And I care, Trina—so. damn. Much—stop saying I don’t.” He lets out a deep breath as he looks in the other direction. “It’s you who doesn’t seem to care about me.”

  “That’s bullshit and you know it. I could hardly sleep all night because I was worried about you.”

  He laughs and shakes his head. “If the sex wasn’t good enough to make you to quit thinking about me, it’s a little telling don’t you think?”

  “That’s a low blow, David. Don’t do that. Elliot has done nothing to you.”

  “You’re right. I’m projecting onto him when it’s your decisions I have a problem with. But you’re a big girl now, right? You don’t need my protection? I shouldn’t try to clip your wings when you take off on me at a bar, leaving me to watch you use some guy on the dance floor. And, it shouldn’t bother me when you go running off to fuck some guy who’s going to cost you your job, leaving me to make my way home on my own. It shouldn’t bother me. Because it doesn’t seem to bother you.” He frowns as he meets my eyes. “What happened? What happened to not hooking up when we’re out together? What happened to us?”

  “I don’t know, David. You tell me. You’ve always come home with a bevy of phone numbers. I’ve watched you hit on girls in front of me countless times before. Why is it so wrong for me to do the same?”

  “You don’t get it, do you?” he asks me, looking at me disbelievingly. “You have absolutely no idea…”

  I fold my arms across my chest. “Just answer the question, David. Why is it OK for you, and not for me?”

  He leans close to me, his face almost touching mine as his breath washes over my face. It sends a ripple through my body I don’t want to recognise, but my body knows it well and quivers in anticipation at his nearness.

  He searches my eyes, before his gaze drops to my mouth then moves back to my eyes.

  “It’s because when you do it, people get hurt. You get hurt. You have no idea what affect you have on men. No idea how crazy you make them feel. How you make me feel…”

  A tightness pulls at my throat and makes it hard for me to breathe. What is he saying? That I make him crazy? But crazy how? I don’t understand. He needs to say it.

  He moves closer and my breath catches as I feel how close his mouth is to mine. My body shakes uncontrollably. It’s like everything I’ve ever wanted is actually about to happen, but at the same time, it’s petrifying. Why now? Why, when I’m finally starting to get over him?

  I close my eyes and pull back, swallowing hard as I remember the last time we kissed…the last time he rejected me…I won’t go through that again.

  “Did you fuck her?” I ask in a whisper, opening my eyes when I feel him pull back.

  When I meet his gaze, he’s frowning at me, a hurt look in his eyes. “Did you fuck him?”

  My breath hitches, and I open my mouth to say something back, but I can’t speak. We’re just saying things to hurt each other, and I want to go home.

  Closing my eyes, I let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, David,” I force out, my voice small as I stand and back away, leaving his room.

  I don’t really know which part I said sorry for: the near kiss, that he may have slept with Beth, that I actually did sleep with Elliot… or the situation as a whole. I just know that when I leave his room, I’ve lost any joy I was feeling over my time with Elliot. The feelings I thought I was developing have been replaced by my confusion over David. Lately, every time we’re around each other we fight. What the hell is going on with us?

  Twenty-One

  Back at work on Monday, I feel unlike myself. I still haven’t spoken to David after our argument on Saturday afternoon, and my time with Elliot is feeling more like a dream than a reality. When I do see him in the office, he doesn’t even look at me which is adding to my sense of unease.

  Normally spending Monday lunch with David, I’m at a loss on my own. I could meet up with Kayley, but I don’t feel like talking today. I don’t feel like smiling. Instead, I grab a chicken wrap at the kiosk across the street and sit in Martin Place plaza, watching groups of people chatting around the water fountain. They talk and laugh, and it feels like everyone is happier than me. Not a care among them.

  Deep in thought, I think about David’s behaviour and how it’s affecting our friendship. It’s like he’s a jealous boyfriend. But that doesn’t make any sense. I thought he didn’t want to cross that line. Had he seriously been about to kiss me? I try to convince myself I imagined it as I throw pieces of flat bread to the pigeons milling about on the pavement. Because I must have. David would never…

  When the space between my eyes hurts, I need a distraction, turning my thoughts to Elliot—kind, sweet, and obviously interested in me Elliot. When we’re together, things are nice and simple. I know he wants me, but what I can’t understand is how he can so easily switch his feelings off when we’re in the office. It’s like the weekend didn’t even happen…

  And now I’m more confused than ever.

  With a shake of my head, I try to clear my thoughts as my angst ridden stomach twists and sours. I watch the pigeons fight over the last of my wrap until I spot Kayley waving and moving toward me.

  “Well, this isn’t something I get to see every day: Katrina Mahoney, sitting around on her lunch hour. Shouldn’t you be off with David or running around a park somewhere?”

  A hollow sound replaces my laugh. “Not today, Kayley. I'm just doing my own thing this time.”

  Lowering herself to sit next to me, she gives me a look of concern. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Turning my head to meet her friendly face, I feel a sudden rush of emotion as my eyes threaten to spill my confusion out in the open. I blink rapidly, concentrating on the pigeons to keep my control.

  “I’m just all over the place. I’m supposed to be preparing for the selection races coming up and getting ready for exams in a couple of weeks. But instead of focusing on those, I’m fighting with my best friend and attempting to have inappropriate relationships. It’s all too much for me to deal with. I feel way out of my depth.”

  My phone chooses that moment to beep, telling me I have a message. Hope swirls in my chest that it’s David. Then I sigh in frustration upon seeing the screen.

  Good luck this weekend. Thinking of you. Love Christopher.

  “Noooo.” I bounce the word in my chest as a frustrated cry.

  “What? What is it?” Kayley grabs for my phone and reads the text. “Who’s Christopher? My God. How many men do you have after you?”

  “That’s my ex. And this is not a good thing.”

  “Doesn’t want to accept it’s over?” She hands back my phone.

  “Not really. I get a call or a text from him every now and then—from a private
number so I can’t block it. Normally, I just ignore them. But right now, it’s the last thing I need. I have two men in my life that I desperately want to call or text me, and the only one that does is the guy I don’t want anything to do with.”

  “Sounds like you have a lot going on,” she says kindly.

  “When did my life become a soap opera? What happened to having fun, going out with friends and going to Uni?”

  “I don’t know. But if you ever want to talk about things, I’m happy to listen. No judgements, no repeating, just an ear to hear your troubles.”

  “I appreciate that. I think I’m mainly upset not talking to David. It’s not normal for us not to hang out or at least talk every day. I feel…” I struggle to find the right words. “I feel empty without him.”

  “Perhaps you should stop throwing your lunch at the birds and call him?” she suggests, lightly touching my arm in sympathy.

  “Maybe…I just don’t know if he wants to hear from me at the moment.“

  “Well, there’s only one way to find out. And what’s the worst that can happen? He doesn’t take your call?“

  “You’re right,” I sigh. “I know you’re right. I can’t sit here waiting for everyone to come to me.” I stand up, deciding that I’d rather call him from my desk instead of on a noisy city street. “I’ll head back. You coming, or staying out here a while longer?”

  “I thought I’d go and grab a coffee across the street before I head back. Hope you sort things out with David.”

  Nodding, I give her an appreciative smile as I leave to walk back to my office’s building. I’m going to skip training tonight and ask David if he wants to go and have dinner so we can talk on our own, discuss exactly why we’re upset with each other and actually listen to what the other has to say. Cards on the table type stuff. It’s time to be honest or this fight will just keep happening until it eventually tears us apart. And I don’t want that. I’m sure he doesn’t want that either.

  Just as I round the corner to enter the building, I freeze. Because standing just inside the entrance is Beth, Bianca and…David. Placing my hand on my stomach, I take a step to the side to watch the exchange unseen. Vile betrayer! How could he?

  David says something then laughs as Beth touches his arm flirtatiously. My breathing grows difficult, and my heart leaps into my throat. Painfully strangling me as I witness him lean in and kiss Beth goodbye before he starts toward the door.

  Oh god. I feel sick.

  Not wanting to be spotted, I quickly turn and cross the street to the coffee vendor where Kayley is lining up. He’s supposed to be my best friend. Why? Why would he be in my building kissing my colleague like they’re friends now? All while hanging around the one girl who makes my working life more difficult. Betrayer. Betrayer. Betrayer.

  I want to scream. What’s going on?

  My eyes burn, and I have to take a few deep breaths on my way over to Kayley so I can calm down before I can speak to her.

  “Everything OK?” she asks.

  “I thought the coffee sounded like a great idea,” I say with faked brightness, shooting a glance over her shoulder as David meanders down the street back to his work. My chest hurts. Why?

  Smiling, she offers to buy my coffee, which I gratefully accept, promising to get the next one. By the time we get our coffees upstairs, I feel a little calmer. Although, my turmoil returns when we hit reception and Beth is in deep conversation with Bianca.

  I take a deep breath and try to walk through without reacting, but Bianca doesn’t seem to have the same level of restraint.

  “Ever get the feeling you’re being replaced?” she asks.

  I stop and close my eyes, taking a calming breath as Kayley urges me to keep walking. Then I catch Beth stifling a giggle behind her hand, and I just can’t help myself.

  “Last I saw, it was you hanging off David, Bianca. I think you’re the one he passed over.”

  She scoffs. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “And neither do you.”

  “You know, Katrina,” Beth starts, moving like a cat towards me. I’m thinking about replacing my earlier assessment of her. She doesn’t seem nice at all, she seems predatory. Now her friendship with Bianca makes sense. “David doesn’t need you. You can run off with your little Irish boyfriends and aloof solicitors all you like. I got the better end of this deal. David will be fine with me.”

  I almost snort. “David doesn’t do relationships,” I tell her flatly.

  “Oh, that was before he quit you. So, we’ll see about that,” Beth says boldly.

  I actually laugh. But before I can say anything more, Kayley pulls on my arm. “Come inside, Katrina. This isn’t getting you anywhere.”

  As much as I want to put these bitches in their place, I listen to her voice of reason, heading back to the library, trying to immerse myself in work. I curse that my job isn’t more complicated, because my mind keeps going back to David. Why would he want to pursue either of those girls? Is it to hurt me? Could he be that cruel?

  Pulling out my phone, I type out about a hundred different messages to him, none of which I send. Because I don’t understand. Am I losing my best friend? After eleven years, has he actually quit me? My heart squeezes in my chest, and I drop my phone back inside my bag. All I want to do is go home and fall asleep until this is all over. Maybe it’ll just be a bad dream.

  Twenty-Two

  I don’t go to work on Wednesday. Why? Because I’m a big ole chicken. I can’t face Bianca. I can’t face Beth. I can’t even face the thought of seeing Elliot because I’m too emotional to keep my cool. Too upset to sit in that office and pretend I’m fine when inside, I’m dying. I’m losing my friend.

  When Elliot calls to ask if I’m OK, I tell him I have a special swim coach booked for some pointers before my race on Saturday. I’m lying again. But when I don’t understand the truth, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to talk about it. So I lie in bed. I stare at the ceiling. I even go for a long bike ride with a few of the guys at my triathlon club. But I can’t get rid of the confusion in my mind and heart. Especially when each thump in my vein feels like it’s saying one word: why.

  I know. I should be proactive, try to talk to David. Our friendship is too important to just let it go. We’ve been through too much and mean too much to each other. I guess that’s why this tension hurts so much. It seems cruel and unusual and I’m struggling to make any sense of it.

  But what if he really is dating Beth now?

  That question alone keeps me from picking up the phone or texting. I think I’d die inside if that turned out to be true. I’ve spent years dealing with the fact he would never want a relationship with anyone. If it turned out he was just waiting for the right person, and that person was Beth? God. I don’t think I could handle that. Was the idea of being with me that hideous to him?

  Deciding to get a jumpstart on my exam preparation, I pull out my iPad and my uni books, picking out important points to make up study cards. It keeps my brain occupied until my brother sticks his head inside my room. “Oi, suckface. Wanna take a study break and walk up the shops with me?”

  Shaking my head, I laugh a little. “Gee, Tom. When you ask so nicely, how can I refuse?”

  I pull on a pair of shoes and meet him at the front door. “Why aren’t you at work today?” he asks.

  “I could say the same to you.” I shoot him a smile, nudging him with my elbow as we walk along the footpath.

  “Yeah. But we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you.”

  “Why are we talking about me?”

  “Uh. Let’s see… You never take a day off for anything. Even when you were in the hospital after that douche beat you up, you were trying to walk laps around the hospital. Pulling a sickie for work isn’t normal for you.”

  “I needed a mental health day,” I say with a shrug. “I didn’t realise how much stress filling my life to the brim would cause.”

  “Sounds like bull
shit to me,” he says, calling me out. Which I do my best to ignore.

  “So, how’s your girlfriend? I never see you anymore,” I enquire, trying to get him to switch topics.

  It works. His face goes all soft at the thought of her. “She’s great, actually. I let her meet Mum and Dad on Saturday.”

  “Wow, that’s pretty epic for you. I’m sorry I missed it.”

  “That’s OK. You were off getting plundered.”

  “Plundered?” I roll my eyes. “Is this how you talk to your girlfriend?”

  “Her name is Daniella. And yes, she loves a good plundering.”

  “Oh my god. Please don’t talk to me about you and Daniella doing—” a disgusted shudder runs down my spine, and I have to shake it off. “Just. Don’t.”

  He laughs, always loving it whenever he gets the chance to gross me out. “On a serious note, I’m glad you’re moving on from that last guy. It’s about time. You're young. You shouldn’t worry about dickheads like Christopher.”

  “Yeah,” I say, flashing him a small smile. It’s hard to feel enthusiastic about a new relationship when another one is crumbling to bits.

  “What’s up? Isn’t this one treating you nicely? Do I have to beat him up?” He thumps his fist against his hand.

  “Violence won’t be necessary. This guy—Elliot—he’s fine, nice.”

  “Ugh. He sounds like a yawn.”

  “He’s not. We get along great. It’s just… things are complicated because we work together. That’s all.”

  “Complicated, huh?”

  I nod, not wanting to elaborate.

  “You seem pretty mopey for a girl in a new relationship. Aren’t you supposed to be running through fields of wildflowers right now, sighing all the time?”

  “It’s not the relationship that has me down. David and I are going through a bit of weirdness right now.”

  “Ah. I knew there had to be something going on. What kind of weirdness?”