Letting out her breath, she placed her hand over mine. “It’s OK, David, you’re making perfect sense. We’re friends, end of story. You really didn’t need to give me the whole ‘love you like a friend’ speech. I get it, I asked too much of you, and it’s fine,” she told me with a slight edge to her voice that made me feel as though I’d fucked things up between us, anyway.
“Are you sure you’re OK? You don’t look fine?”
She laughed and took her hand back. I missed it immediately. “Good work, David, you friend-zone me then you tell me I look crap. That’s really awesome.”
“No, you’re beautiful. You're always beautiful. That’s not what I meant.”
Shaking her head, she said, “It’s fine. I’m just embarrassed. But I’ll get over it. It’s not every day you offer your best friend your virginity and get knocked back, so I might need a moment. Let’s just drop this whole thing, OK? I promised you it wouldn’t change things, and I meant that. We’re OK.”
“All right, well… I should probably head home then. Maybe I’ll see you later?” I said, rising from the bed and leaning forward to kiss her on the top of her head. “You sure we’re good?”
“Positive David. Now go home,” she sighed.
I pressed my lips into a wan smile and left, closing her door behind me and saying goodbye to Tom as I headed for the front door. There was a knock just before I reached it, so I called out, “Do you want me to get that?”
“Yeah, it should be Ethan, let him in,” Tom called.
Opening the door, I shook Ethan’s hand. “Hey man, I didn’t know you were friends with Tom?”
“Yeah, we work together at the cinema.”
“Hey, we’re playing Xbox if you wanna stick around,” Tom said, coming up behind me.
“Nah, I’ve got stuff to do. But thanks. I’ll see you around.”
As I walked back home, I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was glad I told Katrina how I felt, but I was worried it was going to affect our friendship regardless. Loving your best friend was hard.
Seven
After the night of the formal, things were a little strained between Trina and me. It’s not that we weren’t talking, because we were. There was just a slight discomfort between us, one that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard I tried to be friendly, or how much time we spent together. When I questioned her, she claimed she was tired and sick of school, which I guess was understandable. But it felt too coincidental.
There were only a couple of weeks left before the Christmas holidays kicked in, which meant at least six weeks away from school life as well as all the bullshit Cassie had continued to cause for us.
Along with the rest of our grade, she’d seen how close Trina and I were at the formal. And because no one could mind their damn business, more rumours spread and I became public enemy number one. There wasn’t a day that went by when someone didn’t call me a horrible name for ‘forcing Cassie to have an abortion’. It didn’t matter how many times I told them I never got her pregnant in the first place. They were more willing to run with the scandal than they were to hear the truth. I was done with them.
Trina also copped a bit of backlash for supposedly dumping Cassie as a friend because she wanted me all to herself. So stupid. There were a few different versions to the story, but all had some element of Katrina being insanely jealous of my non-existent relationship with Cassie and doing everything she could to make sure we couldn’t be together.
It was so incredibly lame.
Besides the handful of people I sat with at lunch, I didn’t bother talking to anyone anymore. I had effectively gone from the guy who called the shots, to the guy who everyone kicked mud on. It sucked, that’s for sure. But at least I knew who my friends were.
On top of things being a little weird between Trina and me, I was still dreaming about her. Almost every night when I closed my eyes, she came to me. Rationally, I knew that was where my attraction needed to stay—in my dreams. I wanted Trina to be in my life forever, and as far as I could see high school relationships didn’t last that long. Better to be friends forever, than to be lovers for a moment. But it wasn’t easy, and I questioned my decision to draw a line in the sand daily. What if I lose her, anyway?
On the last week of school, Mum surprised me with an envelope that held tickets for us to go on a trip to Bali. She said she’d been saving up her overtime and wanted to do something fun to celebrate me doing so well in my exams. I had never been on a plane before, and holidays had been non existent for us since my dad had left. So I was pretty stoked.
“I’m not sure how you managed to do so well because you never seem to study. But I’m proud of you. I’m proud of your grades, and I’m proud of the way you’ve handled everything that’s been put on you at school,” she told me.
We went the two weeks before Christmas, so we missed the really busy time. It was fantastic. I could forget about all the shit back home and just be me. We stayed at the Dynasty Resort, and they had this teen's club called The Den where you could go to hang out away from your parents. My mum got pretty involved with some of the tours, so I spent a fair bit of time there, getting to know some people. It was normal. It was fun and despite missing Katrina; I was sad when the trip was over.
The first thing I did when I landed was go and visit her. Christmas was in a couple of days, and I wanted to give her the present I’d bought for her while I was away.
“You’re back!” She smiled, embracing me warmly when she opened her front door.
All the tension that had been between us seemed to have evaporated in my absence, and I thought that a little time apart must have been all we needed. She looked even more beautiful in person than she did in my memory, and it suddenly felt as though I had been away from her for longer than two weeks. She grabbed me by the hand and pulled me inside, leading me towards the kitchen. Admittedly, my thumb strayed a little and caressed the back of the soft skin on her hand. “Tell me all about it. I’m so jealous. Did you learn how to surf?”
“Nah, surfing’s never going to be my thing. I reckon if the waves keep pushing you back to shore, you should take it as a sign that the ocean doesn’t want you there.”
Dropping my hand, she laughed. “I never thought about it like that before.”
“Here, I got you a souvenir slash Christmas present while I was there. It’s not wrapped sorry, I came straight over,” I said, handing her the white paper bag.
“David. Thank you. Do you want a drink? You must be tired. Did you seriously come straight here?”
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?” I shrugged.
“No reason. I’m just happy you’re home.” She pulled two cans of Coke from the fridge, handing me one before placing hers on the breakfast bar where we both sat. I watched as she opened up the bag and slid out the bundle of tissue paper inside that contained her gift, while I reached across the bench to pull the tab on her drink for her.
Removing her gift from the wrapping, she turned it around in her fingers and studied the patterns painted around the edge of it.
“It’s a bangle,” I said, feeling stupid the moment the words popped out of my mouth.
“I can see.” She laughed. “Is this all handmade?”
“Yeah, that’s what they reckon, anyway. They carve the wood themselves and then paint all the little flowers on. Do you like it? I thought it was pretty and well, girls like jewellery, right?”
Katrina grinned and nodded as she slid the bangle onto her wrist. “Thank you, David. It’s beautiful,” she said, leaning across the table and kissing me on the cheek.
“You’re welcome.” I smiled, taking a swig of my drink as her phone beeped with a message.
Pulling it out of her pocket, she swiped at the screen and grinned broadly the moment she saw it.
“What’s making you grin like that?” I asked, wondering what had been happening in the two weeks I’d been gone.
“Oh, it’s nothing… it’s just… Ethan. You rem
ember him, right?”
“Of course.”
“Yeah, well, we’ve kind of been hanging out a bit lately. He’s really nice.”
A slight pang shot through my chest and landed heavily in my stomach as I planted what I hoped was an unfazed smile on my face. I had no right to expect her not to move on from Ben, and I guess, in a way… me. I chose this.
“He seems like a good guy.” I cleared my throat and took another drink to cover my less than pleased reaction. “Is Tom weird about you hanging out with him?”
“No… oh, maybe a little. But there’s not much he can do about it.” She flicked the ring pull on her can with a twang as a quiet fell over us. “You’re not weird are you?”
“Why would I be?” I laughed in this odd way I hoped never to hear come out of my mouth again.
“I don’t know… Anyway, he’s coming over soon. He’s going to take me to a movie.”
“Oh really? Well, I should get going then. What time’s your bus?”
“He drives.”
“Of course he does. He’s actually finished school now hasn’t he?”
“Yeah, he has. He’s just waiting to see if he’s going to Uni or not.”
“What’s he going to study?” I asked, making a great effort to sound interested.
This weird dreamy look came over her face, and I realised in that moment that I’d lost her. That line was deep in the sand, a cavern I might never be able to cross. Suddenly, I really regretted not having the guts to say yes to her. I didn’t want her to be Ethan’s. I wanted her to be mine.
“I’m sorry; what did you say?” I asked, realising that her lips were moving, but I hadn’t heard a word that came out of them.
“I said, he’s thinking of becoming an optometrist,” she repeated.
“Really? That’s like an eye specialist right?”
“Yeah and don’t laugh. I’m sure it would be very interesting.”
I held up my hands in mock surrender. “Hey, I’m not saying anything.”
“Good. Just be nice to him OK?”
“Why would I be anything else?”
“Um, you beat up my last boyfriend.”
“Well, he was talking smack about you. I’m sure Ethan won’t do that. He seems like a good guy, Trina. I’m happy for you.” And I was happy for her. I wanted us to go back to being friends, and with Ethan in the picture, it seemed we were just that. Friends.
Why does that word twist my stomach now?
Christmas came and went. We were on school holidays until the beginning of February, so I divided my time between taking the driving lessons my mother had gotten me for Christmas and visiting Trina…and Ethan.
They were becoming inseparable, and I could tell by the way Trina looked at him that she was getting ready to call what they had the ‘L’ word. He’d even gotten her interested in triathlons, and together they’d joined the local club and started training.
It fucking hurt seeing her like that with someone else, especially since the bangle I bought her suddenly vanished from her wrist and was replaced with the silver chain bracelet Ethan got her for Christmas. I wanted so much to be an arsehole to him because of it, but he was a decent guy. I just had to accept that Trina was his now, just as I had to respect that it was probably hard for him to have me around his girlfriend. God, I hate that word.
Being as decent as he was, he actually asked me to hang out with them himself a few times. And he did his best to be cool about me and Trina being so close. He even tried not to seem annoyed when he showed up to Trina’s house and I was already there. I could tell he didn’t like that his girlfriend had a guy for a best friend, but he still made an effort. I couldn’t dislike him even if I tried.
As per usual, I spilled my guts to my mum. Admitting to her that I had started to see Trina as more than just a friend, despite insisting I wasn’t ready for us to be more.
“Well David, you could always tell her how you feel.”
“Mum, that’s so not an option right now. She’s with Ethan, and she’s happy. Plus, I don’t know. I want to be with her, but I’m still scared I’ll stuff it up.”
“Then I guess you have to decide whether you can be the guy on the outside of her relationship, waiting for it to end. Or whether you just move on yourself and keep waiting until you’re absolutely sure about her. You’re young, David. You have your whole life ahead of you, and I’m pretty sure Katrina is going to be a part of it no matter what.”
The more my mum and I talked, the more I realised that now wasn’t the right time for me and Trina, and it was unfair for me to keep being the third wheel in her and Ethan’s relationship.
We even spoke about all the events of the past year. I realised that half the shit that happened could have been avoided if I wasn’t behaving like a little kid and acting out because I was jealous while she was dating Ben.
My mother helped me see that I only seemed to want Katrina when she was dating someone else because it was safer to desire her when in reality, she wasn’t mine. When she was available, I got scared and threw up walls. I was lucky Ethan played it cool when I was around, because most guys would have hated it and showed it. If I didn’t learn to back off a little then eventually, my behaviour would drive Katrina away for good. Which was exactly what I was trying to avoid.
She told me that if I wanted to keep Katrina in my life, then I was going to have to become the friend she deserved. I was going to have to spend time with other people and stop putting myself around Trina’s relationship so much.
“I’m not saying that you have to stop seeing her. I’m just saying that maybe you should give her the chance to come to you occasionally.”
“What if she doesn’t?” I asked, suddenly really worried.
“She will, David. I guarantee it.”
Eight
February came quickly, and with it, the start of the school year. It also brought on my birthday. I’m one of the rare people who was born on the 29th, so for a long time we just celebrated my birthday on the last day of the month, and we’d have a party every leap year for my actual birth date.
We had just entered a leap year, but after all the drama I’d been through at school, the last thing I wanted was to throw a party. All I wanted was the day off school so I could go and get my license.
A few people remembered there should have been a party and asked me about it, but most of them didn’t give a shit. I’d given up my friends the day I beat up Ben, and I didn’t even really care about the new group I’d started to hang out with anymore. We were in our final two years of school. All I wanted was to be left alone to study and get the hell out of dodge.
Some of the top-ranked students of year ten were invited to the Sydney University campus in Redfern to have a look around and see if it was somewhere we’d like to attend.
Along with UTS, it was the best university in Sydney. I was in awe being there. Katrina had been invited along as well, but she wasn’t as excited about it as I was. Since things had become more serious with Ethan, she was concerned about her proximity to him. He didn’t make it into university and was doing a TAFE course instead. TAFE was a place you went to when you didn’t qualify for university, kind of like community college in the states. Some people used it as a stepping stone to get into University, while others went there to learn a trade or skill.
Ethan was still interested in optometry, but now he was studying to be the technician who makes the glasses instead of the actual optometrist. So Trina being Trina, she thought long-term and was thinking of going to UWS to be closer to home and closer to him.
“You can always catch the train here and still live at home, you know,” I told her.
“No thanks, there is no way I’m sitting in a train for over an hour each way every day,” she said, looking around at the heritage building that towered above us. Being there was like stepping back in time. I loved it.
“Just keep an open mind,” I said, grabbing her hand to drag her around the campus one mo
re time. “Just look at this place.”
“I’m not denying it’s beautiful. I just know that uni is a lot of work. I’ll have limited time as it is. Adding travel will only take away from that.”
“Have you considered that your priorities might be different in two years’ time?” I asked, trying to point out that she and Ethan may not even be together that far into the future without actually saying it.
“I still don’t want to travel this far every day,” she said. “It’s insane when there is a perfectly good university twenty minutes away.”
“Twenty minutes. When high school is finally over, I want to be as far away from Penrith High as possible.” I took a cleansing breath. Even the air felt different here.
“You really want high school over that much?” she asked, gripping my elbow to pull me to a stop.
“Don’t you?”
“No.”
“Why? High school is the pits.”
“Yeah, but we won’t be around each other as much at uni. I won’t get to see you every day if you come to a place like this. I mean, would you commute, or would you live in uni housing?”
“Uni housing, I guess. I don’t want to be stuck out west all my life.”
“Do you really think moving away from Penrith is going to change who you are?”
Her question caused a jolt in my chest. Even though she didn’t mean it that way, it was like she was telling me that no matter how hard I worked or how successful I became, I would still be the boy I was now. I’d still be my father’s son. Nothing.
Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet Page 36