The Great Jackalope Stampede

by Ann Charles

  “She was thinking about getting pregnant,” Deborah said.

  “No, I’m not!”

  Deborah continued, her soap-box tall and sturdy. “I saw this documentary last month about teenage girls being too lazy to go out and get jobs, so they get pregnant and spend the next eighteen years living off the government, abusing the system.”

  “Remind me, Mother,” Ronnie said. “What was your job for the last thirty-five years?”

  “I had three children to raise, Veronica. And I wasn’t living off welfare.”

  “That’s been your excuse for not going out and getting a job since I was conceived.”

  “And what was your excuse, Veronica?” Deborah threw back. “Your resume isn’t exactly overflowing with legitimate employment for the last five years.”

  “You’re the one who—”

  Claire grabbed Ronnie’s arm and yanked her sister back to her side. “Get out of the ring,” she told her, “this isn’t your fight. Not tonight.”

  Ronnie growled but submitted, kicking at the gravel instead of their mother.

  “Ruby,” Claire still held out her other hand. “Please let me see that piece of paper.”

  Ruby shoved it into Claire’s palm, huffing yet. Her eyes darted around, as if she were looking for a neck to snap. Deborah would be wise to keep her trap shut.

  As Claire tried to read the piece of paper in the growing darkness, a pair of headlights splashed across the small crowd, a familiar engine growl crossing the bridge toward them.

  They all looked over as Kate skidded to a stop and practically fell out the door. “What’s going on? Is Henry missing again?”

  Henry barked his greeting to his second favorite person in the world. He raced over to lick Kate’s fingers, like so many other testosterone-filled suckers had over the years.

  Before Kate shut off the headlights, Claire held up the piece of paper and read the evidence being used to sentence Jess to a severe tongue-lashing.

  “What’s wrong?” Kate stood frozen in the open car door. “Why are you all standing out here? You’re not waiting for me, are you? Did Arlene call you?”

  “Call us about what, Katie?” Ronnie asked.

  “Jessica bought a pregnancy test,” Deborah tattled to Kate.

  “A test?” Kate’s voice fluttered. Her hand flew to her chest as she fell back against the door jamb. “Oh, God, no!”

  Claire glared across at her. Overreact much? “You trying out for a soap opera role over there?”

  “Bite me, Claire.” Kate bent over to catch her breath or maybe get a closer look at her shoes, Claire wasn’t sure which.

  “Your sister has the receipt for the test in her hand,” Deborah added.

  Claire was going to cram said receipt down her mother’s throat if Deborah did not shut her flap soon.

  “Mom, Harley,” Jessica said, sniffing. “I … I swear it’s not mine.”

  “It was in your book, Jessica,” Ruby reminded her. “If it’s not yours, why are there little flowers doodled on it?”

  Gramps cleared his throat, his knowing look aimed at Claire. Chester and Manny were taking their cue from him, all three of them had her locked in their sights.

  Claire sighed. Son of a bitch. So much for waiting for Mac to talk about this. She lowered the receipt. “Ruby, Jess is telling the truth.”

  “She is?” Kate’s voice sounding strangled still. “How do you know?”

  “Yeah, how can you tell?” Ronnie peeked over Claire’s shoulder at the receipt.

  Gramps gave Claire an encouraging nod.

  She squeezed Ruby’s forearm, drawing the woman’s gaze. “This receipt belongs to me. I’m the one who bought the pregnancy test.”

  “You bought a pregnancy test for a teenager?” Deborah guffawed. “Did you buy her a case of beer and a pack of cigarettes while you were at it?”

  “No,” Claire answered her mother, but her eyes stayed locked on Ruby’s. “I bought the test for me. I may be preg …” Gurg! She could not get the word to pass over her tongue. “I’m late.”

  “You’re pregnant?” Kate asked. “I thought you were on the—”

  “I don’t know, Kate.” Claire did not want to discuss aloud in front of everyone in her family the worries that had been clanging around inside of her head for a week. Well, everyone but Natalie. Where was her cousin anyway? This whole mess was her fault for buying that damned test.

  “What do you mean you don’t know?” Deborah bit out each word. So much for her being happy about being a grandmother. Oh, well, her cookies were always too dry, anyway.

  “She hasn’t taken the test yet,” Natalie said, coming out the General Store’s screen door with a candy bar in her hand.

  There she was. Excellent. Now this warm and fuzzy moment felt complete. Call Hallmark, someone needed to take notes.

  “What are you waiting for?” Ronnie asked.

  My period to quit playing hide and seek. “The right moment.”

  “Wow! Claire’s gonna have a baby.” Jess’s focus bounced back and forth between Claire’s stomach and her face.

  “Or not,” Claire said.

  “I bet your belly is gonna get huge.”

  “Jessica, that’s rude.” Ruby patted Claire’s arm. “You should have told me. I never would have let you up on that roof if I’d known.”

  “We don’t know that I am pregnant yet.” Why did everyone keep forgetting that fact?

  “Take the test, you big chicken and we will.” Natalie polished off the candy bar in one bite.

  “Don’t you have some bags to pack, mouth?”

  “I’m not leaving until Sunday. Things are too entertaining down here to rush back to an empty house.”

  “Mac is going to be a dad.” Jessica smiled wistfully, still adding limbs to her family tree.

  “The baby is MacDonald’s, right?” Deborah asked.

  This time it was Ronnie holding onto Claire to keep her from launching at their mother.

  “What?” Deborah exaggerated a cowering stance. “You’ve never been one for sitting still long, Claire, and he does travel an awful lot.”

  “Back and forth to a day job, Mother,” Kate shut her car door and joined her sisters. “Not overseas to a ten-year war.”

  “If you say so, Kathryn. I still think Claire should have played hard to get.” Deborah nodded, as if agreeing with herself on the matter. “Now he’s never going to make her an honest woman.”

  “I’m still standing right here in front of you, Mother.”

  Chester snorted. “Who wants Claire honest? I certainly don’t. She won’t be any fun anymore.”

  “Es verdad,” Manny confirmed. “I love the trouble that follows her around. It’s what makes her beautiful brown eyes sparkle.”

  “Why will she have to get honest if she’s married?” Jess asked Ruby.

  “Who says I’m not honest now?”

  “What do you know about Mac, Mother?” Kate’s tone had gone up a note, now stronger than before, Claire’s virtue seeming to be her new cause all of a sudden. “He’s kind and sweet and smart and handsome and strong and yet gentle and very supportive most days and has a good amount of money and—”

  “Are we still talking about Mac?” Ronnie asked.

  Kate glanced down, brushing something off her black work shirt. She cleared her throat and raised her chin again. “Of course we are. Who else would we be talking about when Claire is having his baby?”

  “We don’t know that I’m pregnant everyone, remember?”

  “Why don’t you go take the test now?” Gramps asked. “Then we can stop speculating about this kid and move onto the next step.”

  “Planning the baby party,” Chester agreed with a grin. “Let’s keep it co-ed. I vote for bikini mud wrestling.”

  “No, no, no, hombre. You don’t have mud wrestling at a baby shower. We’ll save that for Mac’s bachelor party.” Manny wiggled his thick eyebrows at his fellow old coot.

  “Where’s that
pregnancy test kit?” Chester asked. “Let’s get things rolling.”

  “How do you test for pregnancy with a kit?” Jess asked. “The ones in the store have white sticks on the box.”

  “What are you doing even looking at those, Jessica Lynn?” Ruby grabbed her daughter and pulled her into a hug, dropping a kiss on her head. “How about I explain some of this stuff to you another night when we’re alone?”

  “Sure, but can I watch Claire take the test?”

  “No!” Ruby and Claire said at the same time.

  “Whatever.” She pulled out of her mom’s arms. “I might as well go inside and finish reading my book then.”

  “Good idea.” Ruby looked around. “We all should go inside and leave Claire be for the time. She’ll tell us when she knows for certain one way or another.”

  Thank you, she mouthed to Ruby.

  The old boys grumbled on their way past Claire and her sisters, Manny pausing long enough to pat Claire on the head. “Let me be the godfather, por favor. Stinky Shorts is way too hairy for the job.”

  Deborah looked at her watch, then frowned toward the road to town.

  “Let’s go, Deborah,” Gramps said. “Give your daughters a break for a while and play some Euchre with us.”

  “For your information, Dad, I have a date tonight.”

  “With whom?”

  “Jessica’s father. He’s picking me up and taking me out for a nice evening.”

  “And some hot love?” Manny asked.

  Deborah sniffed. “No, Manuel. Unlike my daughters, I am not that type of girl.”

  Ronnie coughed out a bullshit.

  “I heard that, Veronica.”

  “Dad’s not coming here tonight,” Jessica said, her hand on the screen door handle.

  “Yes, he is,” Deborah countered.

  “No, he’s got a date.”

  “With me.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “You’re mistaken, then.”

  “Nuh uh. I met her this morning.”

  “What do you mean, kid?” Gramps asked. “Met who?”

  “Dad’s new girlfriend.”

  Ruby frowned down at her daughter. “New girlfriend?”

  “Yeah, that’s how she introduced herself when she came out of his bathroom in her bra and underwear.”

  Deborah gasped out a breath. Everyone else seemed to be holding theirs.

  Jess continued, oblivious of the blow she had struck. “She showed me this fancy diamond ring on her right hand that she said her last boyfriend gave to her. She even let me try it on. It reminded me of the ring Ronnie is wearing in her wedding picture with her old husband. You know, that picture you guys put on your dresser when Claire called to say she was coming, too?”

  Deborah screeched, silencing Jess. “You’re a lying little—”

  “No!” Jess returned to the defensive, high pitched tone she had been using with her mom. “I swear, I’m not. Her name is Mindy Lou Hair-something. They met at Butch’s bar. Do you know who she is, Kate?”

  “Ohhh,” Deborah let out another shriek before Kate could answer.

  Claire winced.

  “Men are all rotten, stinking, cheating bastards.”

  Ah, misty water-colored memories. Her mother’s outburst took Claire back to her high school years when she used to listen to her parents fight from the other side of her bedroom door.

  Ronnie let out several squeaks of laughter. When Claire gaped at her, Ronnie covered her mouth and turned her back toward the crash scene, her shoulders shaking. What was so damned funny? Claire hit Kate with a questioning glance. Kate shrugged back.

  “Jess,” Ruby grabbed the cordless phone off the porch from where Claire had left it and pulled open the screen door. “Go inside.” She shoved her daughter in, not giving the girl a chance to buck. “Harley, come on.” She held out her hand toward her husband, who crutched inside after Jess faster than Claire had seen him move in days. Ruby waved Chester and Manny to follow.

  Manny hesitated. “Deborah,” he reached for her hand.

  Deborah jerked away. “No! Don’t touch me.” She spun on her high heel and slammed past Ruby, bumping her back a step.

  Claire could hear her mother’s shoes clonking across the General Store floor, probably heading toward her bedroom where she would hide until she had regenerated and could return to her cool, calm, bitchy self again.

  Without looking back, Manny and then Ruby followed her inside and closed the door behind them.

  “Wow!” Natalie came down the steps, joining them.

  Kate blew out a breath. “That’s going to make life hell for the rest of us.”

  “Where have you been?” Ronnie returned to the conversation, no longer leaking squeaks. “Hell has come and gone. We’re in Hell’s basement now dynamiting deeper by the day.”

  “Jesus,” Claire rubbed her eyes with the heels of her palms. “I could really use a cigarette and a beer.”

  “How about a Shirley Temple?” Natalie squeezed her shoulder.

  “I could smoke and you could smell my breath in between puffs,” Ronnie offered.

  Sighing, Claire shook her head. “I don’t want to be pregnant.”

  Much to her surprise, Kate pulled her into a hug. “Sometimes we don’t always get what we want.”

  She must be referring to Butch.

  “But lucky for you,” Natalie tugged her free of Kate’s hold and led her toward her sister’s car, which was still ticking in the darkness. “You have a wonderful, warm, and loving mother to support you in your time of need.”

  That made all of them laugh, especially Kate, who really cackled until Ronnie asked, “Katie, are you flipping out?”

  Kate nodded and then shook her head. Her laughter stopped on a dime.

  “Wait!” Claire said as her cousin shoved her into the back seat. “Where are we going?”

  “You’re going to watch me get soused for my going away party.”

  “But you’re not leaving until Sunday.”

  “It’s a three-night extravaganza.” She pointed at Kate. “Jeeves, take us to The Shaft. Let’s go find Ronnie a man.”

  “Why?” Kate asked.

  Natalie grinned. “So she can beat him up.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Friday, October 5th

  The grocery store in Yuccaville was crawling with shoppers. Ronnie dodged heaped carts in every aisle. With their paychecks still warm in their bank accounts, the mining community en masse appeared to be stocking up for another week of living the glamorous life of digging for copper.

  Ronnie grabbed the barbecue sauce scrawled on Ruby’s list and dropped it into her grocery basket. She scanned the slip of paper—refried beans, bacon, bananas, BBQ sauce, beets, brownie mix. Apparently, tonight’s feature film was going to be “Dinner at Ruby’s,” brought to viewers by the letter B.

  Standing in line behind a sweat-ringed guy who looked and smelled like he had spent the day eating the dust billowing off a mega-huge mining truck, Ronnie searched the sea of heads. She was looking for a familiar patch of ginger red in the crowd.

  Jessica was supposed to meet her in line with her own basket full of the other half of Ruby’s list—dish soap, liniment rub for Gramps’s leg, three packs of low-energy lightbulbs, and a box of tampons. They had split up to save time, but now Jess was nowhere to be seen.

  She was probably still sulking about Ronnie being the one to pick her up from school today instead of her new boyfriend, whom Gramps had waylaid back at the R.V. park. The silly boy should have known better than to ask the old man running the General Store counter directions to the high school in Yuccaville. He must have left his brains back in his dorm in Tucson and packed his dick instead.

  “This is so embarrassing.” Jessica spoke from behind her.

  Ronnie turned. “What? Being seen at the grocery store?” She was clueless as to what was cool these days on the teen scene.

  “No, hanging out in the tampon aisle. I can’t
believe you made me pick those out.”

  If she thought that was embarrassing, she should try having a handful of Feds explain that the video camera Lyle had hidden away in the master bathroom had a clear shot of the shower—the one with the handheld massaging shower head installed behind the clear glass shower door. Ronnie had nightmares about the stag parties in the evidence room for weeks after learning that detail.

  Ronnie emptied her basket’s contents on the black motorized belt. “They’re for you, kid, not me. Why should I have to carry them around?”

  “Mom always buys them for me so I don’t have to be seen with them.”

  “You know,” Ronnie grabbed the box from Jess’s basket and tossed it on the belt. “If you move in with your dad, you’re going to have to buy embarrassing stuff like tampons all of the time.”

  “Who said I was thinking of moving in with Dad?” Jess’s voice had an equal pinch of suspicion and defensiveness. “Is Mom trying to get rid of me?”

  Ronnie shook her head. “Nobody said anything. I figure that with your dad in town buying you stuff left and right like that necklace you showed me, taking you to the movies and all of that jazz, you’re probably thinking life with him would be a lot nicer than staying with your mom and Gramps.”

  The teenager’s cheeks darkened as she unloaded her basket onto the belt. “Dad said he would let me go out on dates, but Harley thinks I’m too young, and Mom keeps listening to him instead of me. It’s not fair. Harley is so old-fashioned. He wants me to wait to date until I’m eighteen. Can you believe that? They might as well send me off to some nun school.”

  Deborah had made Ronnie wait until she was seventeen to start dating, and then insisted on being present during the first date. In the meantime, Claire and Kate had been sneaking under the bleachers with boys during football games and playing tongue tag with whomever they felt like. Which of the three of them was more well-balanced was up in the air, but only Ronnie had ever sought counseling from a professional.

  And a lot of good that had done.

  The therapist had strongly suggested Ronnie stay with her husband. That she try harder to break through their communication barriers and give him yet another chance to show his devotion to the sanctity of their marriage vows. A few years later they had a new communication barrier—a thick plate of Plexiglas, and their marriage had turned out to be a steaming pile of lies. These days, her therapy came in the form of gin and tonic, which was much easier to swallow and cost a hell of a lot less per hour.