by Sand, A. J.
“Your dad helped me clean up and I thought, ‘Wow for the first time ever, this guy is being nice to me.’ But it wasn’t what he was doing. I was down and he had come over to kick me. He was there to throw in my face how my life was shit. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Son, it’s not your fault. There’s nothing you can do.’ I thought he meant mom’s cancer. But he kept talking. ‘It’s not your fault, Jesse. You were just born into a screwed-up situation. No one expects you to overcome that. How could you, anyway? The world is unfair. As you know, our screw-ups can affect the ones we care about. We can ruin lives when we’re being selfish, and some people are lucky enough to have someone else to protect them from that. Don’t you wish someone could’ve protected you from your parents’ selfishness? Taken you away from all of it? Well, I have to protect my daughter. You can’t give her the kind of life I want her to have, and it would be selfish to keep her, knowing that, don’t you think? And how would I explain your background to people, to my friends? Your parents can’t come and mingle with the people I know.’
“It was like being punched over and over in the chest. It was the way he looked at me, too, like I had done so much damage by falling in love with you. Like us being together was changing the way he was seeing you. Like I was taking something of his. It was all over his face. He was giving me an ultimatum, and he knew I would give in because he knew we both had something in common. We both loved you more than—”
“My father was protecting his reputation.”
“He said, ‘She’s my only child.’ I told him I wasn’t who I had been before. I was just feeling like shit right then because of Mom. I told him that we weren’t really together; we were giving each other the chance to figure out the world on our own. I said that I wasn’t going to stop you from doing anything you wanted to do. I told him I loved you. He didn’t care. He said, ‘Don’t kill my dreams for my daughter.’ I guess he knew we’d never really let each other go, no matter where we were. And all I could think about was my mom and her dreams for me. I didn’t want you to lose your dad. I knew what that was like. He said, after my mom died, after the funeral, I wouldn’t have any ties to Glory anymore, so that’s when I should just let you go. And I just gave up. I said, ‘Drew won’t have to worry about me anymore. Neither do you.’ He didn’t say anything after that. He just put his hand on my shoulder again and then he left. I had a feeling that you would choose me and it did feel selfish. And the longer I stayed in your life, the easier it would have been for him to start looking at you the way he was looking at me. He knew I would never want that for you, and he used it against me. And I knew if I answered any of your calls I would have to tell you this, and you’d never forgive your dad. Seemed better for you to not forgive me.”
“I asked him for weeks if he had said something to you, and he never admitted it but he didn’t deny it, either. The only thing he ever said was, ‘Maybe that Chance boy finally realized his future and yours aren’t the same.’ That was it.”
“But I think he was right about me. I disrupt your life.” Doctor Hallisay’s words had destroyed me years ago, but now they bring on surprising clarity as I reflect on everything we’ve been through here together. Miguel shouldn’t be dead. Drew shouldn’t be injured. We shouldn’t have had to run from cops. She shouldn’t have given up her life to be here. The true realization of everything I’ve cost this woman I love so much is crippling. I’m her Kryptonite. I’m her poison. Maybe if she hadn’t gotten pregnant, she and her parents might’ve found a way to work out all the strife between them that had come about because of me. There’s no way Drew would’ve hung on to me forever, right? She would’ve hated me, but she would’ve let me go eventually. All I’ve ever wanted for Drew Hallisay is a good life. “Maybe going home really is the best thing for you.”
DEBT
Without a word, Drew and I dance around each other as we get ready in a motel room in Linares, preparing to leave for Monterrey the next morning. I’m wired, even after driving all of yesterday and part of this morning’s wee hours. We should be there in an hour and a half, and she’ll have tons of buses to choose from to get her to Brownsville. But once we’re in the car a sickening feeling curls in my stomach every time I look at her.
We take a twisty, narrow stretch of highway and plunge through the sun-drenched day, dusty mountains and lush farmlands quickly shrinking behind us. Drew’s bouncing her knees, and I’m kneading the steering wheel, so it feels like sandpaper on my palms. The two of us are still carrying on the morning’s quiet. No radio is playing and there’s barely an audible exhale. But it’s hardly cold and empty silence. The Mexican heat is permeating the car and kindling a strange energy between us. The air is churning with something.
Something flammable. Something volatile.
I can feel it beneath my skin. In my lungs. In my blood.
“You’ll be happy in Glory,” I say finally. “You’ll probably end up with that job you want. If you go back and be with Buck, you will make a great life there, even without your parents’ help. Even without your parents. You will put this behind you and never have to think about it again. And that’s why letting you go is the best idea…” I make a reckless swerve into a U-turn, angering every driver in the vicinity as I pull off to the side of the road, where it abuts an expanse of farmland. I get out of the car, walk around to the other side, and open her door. “But I can’t let you go. Not again. Because I want to be really selfish for once. I love you, Drew Hallisay. I don’t want anyone else to know what that’s like ever again. I don’t want anyone else to love you. And I don’t want anyone else to ever know what it’s like to be loved by you. I’ve fought for so many fucking things…a lot of the wrong things. This—you—is the first thing that’s felt right to fight for. The thing my mom told me about five years ago. So you can’t go home. Not without me. I will throw my fucking keys across the road if I have to.” I’m panting, jittery, and so tense my hurt shoulder is aching.
I’m scared.
I’m actually fucking scared right now.
Drew stares at me, unblinking, like none of my words make sense. She focuses her gaze back on the windshield. “Get in the car, Jesse.”
“What?” My voice is so buried in my breaths the word barely forms.
“Goddammit, just get in the car, Chance.” She grips the door handle and pulls it so that I’ll move away. She slams it shut and still won’t look at me, even when I’m back in my seat. Then she turns a teary-eyed smile to me. “Don’t ever wait that long to tell me something like that again.” Her hand hits the back of my neck, and my abs contract in anticipation as she brings herself closer.
Her lips touch mine, warm and eager, before her tongue slips into my mouth. She smiles right after I do. I kiss her back, slide my tongue over hers, suck on each of her lips, and drown myself in that sweet, familiar taste of her mouth. I feel the fierce beat of my pulse at my temples as I’m flooded with lust. Frenzied, possessing lust. I maneuver her into my lap, and adjust the seat back, once she’s straddling me. She’s biting her lip and glancing between my mouth and eyes, and the sun’s no match for the impatience burning in her gaze. I run my hand from her thigh to her waist. My fingers inch up her skin, under her top, and follow the curve below her breast. As her lips part slowly, she shudders my name. Drew’s chest is inches away from my face, her nipples round peaks under her shirt. I lift my stare to hers because I need her to see my hunger, and I need her to know I want to fuck her until neither of us can move.
A noisy muffler drones by, and the desire shining in Drew’s brown eyes almost makes me forget that we’re way too comfortable being exhibitionists. A flirty smile pulls a corner of her mouth to the side, and it’s the kind of look that asks a question that’ll land us in jail for indecent exposure later. “Shit. We can’t do this here…”
“Then you better get us somewhere where we can. Now.” Drew pushes off me and falls back into the passenger seat. Fast driving in Mexico? I’m all over that shit. I ca
n’t say which motel we end up at, how long it takes us to get there, how much it costs, if I’m even parked legally outside, or who took whose clothes off.
What I do know is every detail of how this beautiful naked woman on the bed in front of me is reacting as I kiss her torso and draw her underwear down her legs—her head is back, body arched, the intermittent moans she releases, the soft way her stomach pulsates under my lips, and how tense her thighs are as my palms move toward her toes.
She only looks at me when I pull her knees apart. Her nails rake down my scalp when I lower my face to her bellybutton and lift her hips. She moans and palms her own breasts as soon as I grip her waist and pull her against my mouth. My tongue snakes in, flicking against her clit, and her knees give out as her fingernails dig into the back of my head. My fingers go into her, and Drew writhes against every kiss, lick, and sweep of my chin, and her taste has me more than ready to be inside her. Her breathing intensifying, she grabs my ears.
“Jesse, I’m gonna… Oh shit…Oh…” Her words dissolve into waves of whimpers. She releases a final satisfied sigh as she rocks her hips into my face one last time. “Damn…I meant to tell you before; you are a lot better at that now.”
“I know…” I say with a wink, planting a kiss on her thigh.
Up on her elbows, Drew watches me with playful impatience as I put on a condom—we remembered to stop for those, thank God. Excitement flows into the sweet smile on her face, and I just want to look into those brown eyes right now.
“You on top, is that smart with your shoulder and all?” she asks when I position myself between her splayed legs.
“Nope,” I say. Drew starts to sit up further but I lower myself, pushing her back down to the mattress as I go.
“Jesse, we could…” Her concerns die on her lips and falter into a soft cry when I thrust into her. I brace myself on my arms, right near her shoulders, and feel the sides of her feet on my ribs. I grind my teeth when a piercing ache flares up around my collarbone, but as soon as I rock into her with a slow, steady rhythm, pleasure hits every nerve ending in my body. Fuck my shoulder.
“Drew, you feel like…goddamn…I…” My brain scrambles, and my body tenses, and all I can do is groan. I pick up my pace when her fingernails pinch into my back, and one of her legs curls around me. She cups my face and brings it down to hers, drowning all my noises in her mouth with a rough kiss. I swing my hand down between her sweat-slick thighs and stroke her clit until her arms lock around my neck and her nails are burrowed in my drenched skin. I thrust harder and faster, and she has to pull her mouth away from mine.
“Oh fuck…” Her lips stay parted. Her head rolls back. Her eyelids flutter. Her knees quiver. It’s pure, unrestrained ecstasy. And it’s so goddamn perfect. Fuck me if I ever get tired of seeing this girl come.
But it also gets me every time. The intense coil of pressure inside me is unraveling. I drop my forehead to hers, put her leg up on my shoulder and clutch the edge of the mattress. Her sweat wets my lips when I bury my mouth in the crook of her neck and drive deeper into her. My body grows more rigid with each pump and jerks intermittently as sharp jolts of pleasure take over. I come with a harsh growl, saying God knows what.
I collapse on top of her and we’re both too breathless to speak, but I do manage to pull out and take care of the condom. We stay naked and just kiss right there on the bed, like we used to as teenagers. But I’m hard again several minutes later. Drew’s intoxicating, a way to get lost and want to stay that way, so we sink into another round of ignited nerves and primal need.
I’m not sure when we fall asleep but when I wake up to go get food, a purple sky is chasing fading orange streaks. I eat alone when I return because Drew is sleeping in a way she hasn’t in days. I know she’s nowhere near okay, but at least she’s getting peace tonight in her dreams.
I climb back into bed with her, and she stirs as I pull the sheet higher up on the two of us. Her eyes stay closed and she smiles sleepily as she snuggles closer to me.
I hold her possessively, even though it’s just us there. I’m swept up by a tidal wave of sobering insecurity. Can I really protect her enough? Can I love her enough? Am I enough? I exhale and try to stay above those thoughts. I’m so fucking tired of letting my doubt eat away at me the way it does.
But maybe it’s natural to be afraid when you let yourself love someone this much. Because what I feel for Drew is so big that it does scare me. But its magnitude also makes me believe in its strength. And I should take pride in that. I know my love for her is capable of surviving the most devastating of wounds, capable of crumbling mountains to dust, and maybe capable of outlasting even ourselves. It’s infinite.
Drew’s an undeniable force in my life, a pull I can’t escape.
She is my gravity.
I think she’s my everything.
****
Drew tosses a towel to me as I step out of the shower and trail her into the room. Any day that starts with sex is poised to be a great one, but I’m genuinely happy right now as I smile behind her back. I feel hopeful. Drew has always made me feel hopeful.
“I went into town and got these for you while you were sleeping,” she says. Clean clothes, a pack of boxers, a toothbrush, and a few other toiletries are on the desk. It’s a small gesture—much smaller than coming to Mexico with me—but there will never again come a day when I’m not grateful for her.
“Thanks.”
“How’s your shoulder?”
“Worth it,” I say with a slow-spreading grin.
“Back in the sling, okay?” Drew’s wrestling with a smile that’s ten times bigger than mine as she pulls a cotton dress that looks a lot like a t-shirt over her head—a curve-hugging, damn-this-woman-is-sexy-as-hell t-shirt. “Like right now.” But her grin withers as a pensive look sneaks in. “We need plan, Jesse.”
“You’re definitely staying?” I ask, beating back my giddiness. I just need to hear her say it.
“Of course, I am, Chance.”
Relief washes over me and I sigh. “Well, I was thinking we could gamble on a few fights the next few weeks. I’ll take my sling off eventually, start training, and then go from there.” I pull on my jeans and the shirt she bought. “And before you start worrying, you got this, baby girl. We’ll only bet on fights you’re comfortable with.”
Doubt sets in her eyes when she sits on the bed, but there’s also agreement and acceptance, because we don’t really have any other option. “That was the idea running in my head,” she says, confirming.
“Good, but hey, I need to tell you something. It’s a little more important to me than even the money.” I sit next to her. “I’m sorry I hurt you so badly four years ago. I really thought I was doing the right thing. Even though in the end, I guess I gave you up for nothing…” I hang my head, regret and sadness tugging at my heart.
But Drew lifts my chin and there’s only a kind, consoling smile on her face when our eyes meet. “You were dealing with an emotional tragedy and then facing my dad, so I get why you did what you did. I even understand why you kept it going for years. I can’t say I’ll get over it today or tomorrow, and everything will be perfect, but—if there’s an upside—maybe if we hadn’t been apart, we never would’ve known how much we really love each other. You just never think that when you fall in love at seventeen that you might be in love forever.” Drew’s smile fades even though the tenderness in her expression doesn’t. “I really thought you were gonna let me go again yesterday. I kept thinking to myself, ‘How can I go home when my home has always been you, Jess?’ No matter where life has taken me, you have always remained as a feeling. This intense, scary, messy feeling. I just wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to be selfish. You’ve had to lose too much. It’s okay to hold on to something.”
“I am holding on. I always was. Just not in the way I should’ve.” I grab both her hands. “This is kind of embarrassing to admit but I used to have this fantasy where, ten years from now, I’d be designin
g houses at some architecture firm and you’d be planning your dream home for you or your family. You’d be happy and married, if that’s what you wanted, and have a great job. Maybe have a dog and a kid, and somehow we’d find each other when you were looking for an architect. I wouldn’t have disrupted your life. I was just hoping you’d get the chance to see that I could create with my hands, instead of destroy, and I’d give you the home you always wanted…the one you asked me about that one night. I’ve designed it so many times. If you’d looked further into my sketchbook you would’ve seen…” I trail off when she covers her mouth and tries to contain her emotions. “Hey…it’s not a sad story, is it?”
Drew shakes her head. “It’s just so sweet…” She wipes her eyes and bursts out laughing. “And if you were to design me a house ten years from now, if you were the one who showed up during a consultation, my life would never have been the same. You would’ve disrupted it. I don’t think this thing between us would’ve played out any other way. You did disrupt my life when you came back to Glory, Jesse Chance. And maybe it’s because you were always supposed to.”
I nod. “Sometimes, I think…we’re only for each other…”
“Doesn’t that scare you?”
“Yeah, it does…”
“Because I swear to God, I’m either going to love you until I die or loving you is actually going to kill me. And both of those options frighten me.” She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me, hard and sloppy. “But I still want us. More than I ever wanted us before. This very bad situation brought us together, and it’s been so tragic, but we’re together. Here. When the odds said we were supposed to lead separate lives. And if you’re selfish, I must be crazy, because as much as it makes me feel crazy, I like the way everything about you consumes me. I just love loving you.”
“And that doesn’t make you weak or pathetic. A lot of people are afraid to follow their hearts the way you do.”