"It flies, Mr. Berg!" someone in the group shouted.
"Oh, please. If you want to stand around believing in the boogie monster, by all means stay here and do so, but I'm heading up there to the next ridge where I'm betting the view is completely amazing."
Some of the kids started to move toward the path in the direction Mr. Berg had pointed, but several stood around leering at the entrance to the cave.
"It's just a cave," he said walking up to them. "It's nothing but an opportunity to fall down in the dark and break your neck." His voice changed to the one he used when talking about some piece of History he wanted us to take an interest in. "Up there is the kind of view people drive and fly hundreds, even thousands of miles to see. Come on; let’s go see something worth seeing."
I watched as nearly all the girls and most of the guys followed Mr. Berg. I watched as Jay, Alec, and three of his lunch-time groupies stayed behind to make fun of those who had backed out of exploring the cave. And I watched as Dev stayed with them. My only solace was that Gary and Sonya had stayed along with two of Dev's friends, Donald and Ted.
"Why don't you go up and see the view?" Dev said to me with his eyes on Jay. "I'll be down here waiting for you when you're done."
"Dev, please," I begged. "This is stupid."
"Hey, I've got Gary, Donald, and Ted with me. It'll be fine." He rubbed my upper arm and leaned down to look me closely in the eye. "I promise."
This did nothing to relieve my dread.
"You ready?" Gary asked, suddenly appearing beside me.
"Can't you talk him out of this?" I spoke softly so that only Gary could hear—I didn't want to hurt Dev's reputation or anything.
Gary just tightened his lips in a sympathetic smile and shook his head slowly. "We got his back though, don't worry," he finally said, slapping Dev on the back.
Sarcasm dripped from my voice as fear ran riotously through my veins. "I feel so much better."
Sonya looped her arm through mine as Jay and his little posse' came strolling up. I didn't hate him in that moment, but it was suddenly really difficult to remember how much I had loved him.
"Well, girls," Jay said, snidely addressing Dev, Gary, Ted, and Donald. "Are you gonna stay here with your mommies, or do you have the balls to go inside with the men?"
I wanted to punch him. I settled for glaring at him to the best of my ability. I really hadn't ever known him to be so capable of being an ass. Sure, I hadn't gone to school with him since I was twelve—and to be honest, I hadn't been around him too much when he was with his own friends—but I never thought him capable of hiding this jerky side so thoroughly.
"I don't see you going in by yourself, Jay." Dev countered. "Did you want me to go in first to make sure it's safe for you and your girlfriends here?"
"Alright, okay," Gary thankfully intervened. While he was closer to Dev, he was friends with Jay, too, making him the best mediator between the two. "Let's just get this over with before Berg gets back and kicks our asses."
Dev glanced back at me once before turning on his flashlight and leading the way up into the cave. Jay gave me a sickening smirk that I wanted to smack off his face before he finally followed the rest of them.
Waiting for them to come back was nauseating. I looked down at my watch—they had been in there about five minutes. I didn't know what on earth was going on inside the cave. All I could do was stand there hanging on to Sonya tightly as my body warred between wanting to throw up and feeling totally guilty about being the catalyst for this stupid bet.
"Why do guys always have to take bets?" Sonya's attempt to distract both of us wasn't working on me. "I don't get it. If I had twenty bucks for every single time a guy did something he wouldn't normally do because of a bet, I'd be a rich woman."
All I was capable of was nodding as I worked on gnawing a hole in my lower lip. The longer they were in there, the noisier the voice in my head became, telling me something had happened to them.
Obviously, I didn't want anything to happen to Gary. He had always been one of the most selfless people imaginable and a deeply loving best friend. While I was really annoyed with Jay, I still didn't want anything to happen to him—part of me would always care about him. And Dev—my stomach lurched. Thinking of something happening to him made my breath run laps around my heart.
"Talk to me about something," Sonya's voice was tight. "Take our minds off this… waiting. What did you say to Devlin when he told you he loved you?"
While I was typically quiet while freaking out, I gave into her need to talk—she was a nervous talker. I had to shake my head to clear it. She turned me around so that my back was to the cave entrance. It helped me to breathe again, but it still felt like something was lurking behind me. I wiped the back of my hand across my eyes. "Umm, I—I didn't say anything."
"Come on." She tugged on my arm. "Talk to me. What did you really say?"
"No, I… really, I didn't say anything. I think I said I was scared."
"That's it?" She looked at me like I'd just said I thought Justin Bieber was an alien from outer space. It made me cower a little away from her. "You didn't tell him you love him back?"
Sheepishly, I shook my head.
"Seriously?"
I stared at the ground, focusing on the dirt path and the small pebbles scattered here and there. "I… I don't know how I feel."
She threw her hands up in the air dramatically and huffed loudly. "That's the biggest load of crap I have ever heard!"
It was my turn to look at her as if she had lost it. I really didn't know how to feel. With Jay so hurt and mad at me, how could I focus on my feelings for Dev?
She shook her head at me sadly. "God, Evie. I should have taken a picture of your face just now as he went into that cave. You were white as a sheet and nearly hyperventilating. Don't tell me that was because you were worried about Jay."
"Well, Gary is in there too," I countered, glancing back over my shoulder at the entrance—no change.
"I can't believe you." She sounded a little pissed. "You're scared to death something is going to happen to him. You can barely be apart from him. When you're with him, you're like someone else entirely with this brightness about you I haven't seen since your parents died. You look into his eyes like—like I don't even know—like something everyone around you is jealous over, and you have the nerve to stand here looking over your shoulder every five seconds for him while you try to make me believe that you don't know whether you love him or not? You can't possibly be that stupid or blind, or I don't even know. I'm just—I'm at a loss for words on that."
I kicked at the dirt with my shoe. I didn't have a response. I tried to process what she had said—to figure it out, but the stampeding herd of killer elephants in my stomach made it hard to concentrate. Finally, I sat down where I was, glancing again at the cave. Was I being stupid? Was I over-thinking this?
"Evie," Sonya began again softly. "What are you so afraid of?"
I stared defiantly into her eyes, and the image of her dropping Gary's hand earlier flashed through my mind. "I could ask you the same question."
She quietly watched me for a moment. I didn't think she was going to answer.
She flopped down next to me and said sadly, "I don't want to lose him."
I nodded slowly. "Jay's little sister once asked me if I could have only lost one parent instead of both, which would I have chosen." I glanced at her in time to catch the shocked expression on her face. "I know, it's not an appropriate question at all, but she's eight. She's at that age where she blurts out everything on her mind. Anyhow, point is I couldn't choose. I can't imagine either one without the other. They just wouldn't have been okay anymore, you know? And I'm just—scared to feel that way."
"You want my honest opinion?" The intensity in her voice commanded my full attention.
Sonya had eyes into my head most of the time. We'd been so close for so long that she could tell me things about myself that I had buried so deep even I couldn't fin
d them anymore. I couldn't help but be a little fearful of her next words, but I nodded anyway.
She reached out and placed her hand on top of mine. "You're fooling yourself if you think this about whether or not you're in love with him. That ship has sailed, Evie. This is about being afraid to admit just how much you do love him." She was silent for a few moments. "What was that line your mom used to say to you about regret?"
I smiled, just a small smile at the memory of one of my mom's famous mottos. "She used to say, 'I'm not afraid of doing something I'll regret, but I'm petrified that I'll regret something that I was too scared to do.'"
"Yeah," she smiled sadly at the trees. "I get that now."
And I realized that was true for how I felt about Dev. I was avoiding the truth because I was scared. I still felt guilty about my feelings for Dev and the fact that they were so strong so fast, but I had to stop being afraid of those feelings. At the very least, I had to realize that I couldn't let the fear hold me back. I looked over at Sonya and nodded. "Yeah… I guess I do too."
Voices behind us made us jump to our feet, whirling around to see the cave entrance.
"You're such a wuss, Alec," Donald laughed, his kind, round face and dark hair were covered in dark green stuff.
"Shut up!" Alec yelled, shoving Donald. "I'm claustrophobic. I went in there didn't I? I just couldn't go as far as they could. Besides, you could have just handed me your flashlight instead of escorting me back outside. Admit it, you were freaked out too." Alec had more green stuff on his arms than Donald, and it looked like moss of some kind.
Donald scowled. "Whatever, I don't think—"
"Where are the others?" Sonya asked, while I obsessively stared at the entrance.
"They went deeper in," was the only answer we got as Alec and Donald walked off in the direction of Mr. Berg's group, arguing along the way.
Sonya and I quickly glanced at each other then scrambled up to the entrance. I tried to see in, but I hadn't brought my flashlight. I couldn't see anything. I could smell it, though. It smelled like someone had forgotten a load of wet clothes in the washing machine for several days. Sonya pulled out her phone and opened it to shed some light into the cave.
"Devlin?" I yelled into the cave. "Gary?"
No answer could be heard, but we did make out some kind of noise. The backlight on Sonya's phone shut off, leaving us in darkness again. They'd been in there for at least fifteen minutes now. What on earth was so interesting that they had to be in there for fifteen minutes?
"Gary, get your ass back here this minute!" Sonya yelled, her voice full of panic and anger.
We could just barely make out someone yelling back at us. My heart started beating again when we heard them yell something that sounded like "coming." Wherever it was they had gone, it had to be pretty far. We could hear their voices, but it took them another five minutes to make their way back to where we could distinguish what they were saying.
"Well screw you, Vaughn! You had no right!" Recognizing Jay's voice, I flinched and stepped back.
"Shut the hell up both of you!" That was definitely Gary. "Shit happens, that's life, deal with it! Jay, you lost, accept it. Vaughn, you don't have to be a dick just 'cuz you won. Now that's the end of it, do you hear me? This is done, or I'll freaking kick both your asses myself!" He was yelling at Dev and Jay, so clearly they were both okay, which meant I could breathe again.
My stomach was still doing an excellent imitation of a whirlpool, but I was able to walk away from the entrance and pace in front of it instead. When Jay's groupies came out of the cave, they appeared to have been in some kind of a scratching contest. Every bit of skin visible seemed to have cuts on it. Ted had fewer scratches, but the one across his right cheek was pretty deep and gross, the green stood out against his pale skin. They all had green stuff on their clothes and arms. It was like slime or something, but not like the neon green slime you get in the store—more like moss. I was busy staring at the cut on Ted's face when Sonya ran up to Gary, throwing herself in his arms.
Gary had mossy stuff on him too, but no cuts or scrapes. He appeared to be the only one not involved in what looked like a violent kitten fight. I would have gone over to hug Gary as well, but Sonya had clearly really taken my mom's motto to heart. He picked her up and kissed her right then and there. I wanted to smile—I wanted to be happy for them—they deserved it so much, but Jay walked out of the cave that second. His lower lip was bleeding, his right eye was bright red and starting to swell, and his shirt was torn at the sleeve exposing a pretty deep cut down his arm. When his eyes met mine, he stopped where he was and stared at me. He looked so hurt and upset that I almost went to him, but my peripheral vision caught sight of Dev stepping out into the light, forcing my attention to snap to him.
Dev stopped just outside the cave, his eyes turned to Jay who was standing next to him, and followed Jay's gaze to me before bouncing back to Jay. He didn't seem angry, he seemed a little sad. Jay glanced over at him before letting his shoulders fall and walking away in the direction of his friends.
My body wouldn't let me stand around and watch anymore. It only took two steps before I lost all patience and ran to Dev. He met me halfway, although his steps were more tired and heavier than mine, but he pulled me roughly into him as I threw my arms around his neck. He picked me up and held me, my feet dangling several inches off the ground as I clutched him tightly to me.
When we'd both calmed down, he set me back on my feet and I proceeded to check every inch of him—well, not every inch of him, but every bit of skin visible—for wounds.
"I'm okay, Evie. Just a few scratches from the cave, but I'm okay."
I kept shaking my head as I looked him over, not caring if I got mossy stuff on me. Finally, he pulled both my hands into one of his and nudged my chin up with his other hand so our eyes would finally meet. It never changed—every time I looked at him was like going from a panorama picture to zooming into focus on every detail in his bright blue eyes.
"I'm fine, baby." It was the first time he'd called me that, and it made my heart swell five times larger than the Grinch's.
"I—I—I love you." Immediately, my mind started running rapidly to try to catch up with what my mouth had blurted out. The mice in my brain were working overtime in that moment, and my eyes went wide with the fear that just flooded back into my system.
He moved his hand from my chin to my cheek as he smiled warmly into my eyes. "I'm afraid too… but we'll figure it out—we'll make it work."
All I could do was stare up at him. I was so scared—so petrified to need him. I loved Jay, but I hadn't "needed" Jay. With Dev though, I just couldn't imagine losing him.
The voices and footsteps from the group coming back down the ridge made him grab my hand and pull me back toward camp. "Gary," Dev yelled. "Come on, man. If we head down now, they'll think we were with them, but started back first."
I heard Gary yell, "Yeah, okay," before he and Sonya fell into line behind us.
I spent pretty much the rest of the trip lost in thought. The teachers heard about the fight between Jay and Dev from Jay's stupid friends. First, Ms. Kasper made them all nearly scrub their own skin off at the sight of their cuts, and then she poured hand sanitizer on their wounds lecturing them about infectious diseases spread through fungus spores. Then they were confined to separate busses, unable to take part in the rest of the trip. If I hadn't been so lost in picking apart everything that had happened, I probably would have felt guilty, but I had enough to worry about.
I couldn't sleep at all that night, which actually worked out well since I was alone with my thoughts while everyone slept around me. It also gave me an excuse to sleep the entire bus ride home. Dev and Jay weren't allowed out of Ms. Jones's sight until she was able to speak to their parents. I winced at that thought. I hadn't met Dev's parents, but I knew Jay's parents would kill him when they got their hands on him.
Sonya complained about my moping the rest of the weekend. But I wouldn't s
ay I was moping, more like I had gotten on a shuttle and headed off into space to live there with my thoughts and study all my fears.
Case of an Unidentified Tool
Text messaging is like duct tape. They originally created duct tape to, surprisingly, seal ducts, but now it’s recognized as a universally useful product. Everyone needs duct tape. My dad used to keep three rolls of it in the trunk of the car for quick repairs on the old rolls-can-'ardly, I’ve seen guys with duct tape wallets, decoration on shoes—you name it and duct tape can be used for it.
I equate text messaging with duct tape because whoever created text messaging couldn’t possibly have any idea just how useful it would be to the teenage population. For example, the very next morning, I arrived at school with Sonya at 7:25am. We sat on a bench in front of the school waiting for Gary for about ten minutes. No one spoke to us other than a wave of their hand, and I didn’t see anyone paying us any unusual attention. But when Gary walked up to us, he was shaking his head and typing away on his cell phone.
"Stand up, let me see," were his first words to me.
"Huh?" Completely confused, I stayed seated.
"I need to see the sign, there must be a sign somewhere." He was smiling while trying to tug me up off the bench.
"Gary, what on earth are you doing?" Sonya was as bewildered as I was.
He finally let me go and pointed to his phone. "Seven. I’ve gotten seven text messages about your break-up with Jay, three text messages asking if you’re dating, and two text messages from those clearly out of the loop of knowledge asking me if you had broken up with Jay. Do you have a sign on you? Did you give a press conference this morning? Post it on your blog?"
"I don’t have a blog, Gary." I was annoyed—annoyed and frustrated with the gossip-mongers. Standing up quickly, I walked off toward class alone. The nerve! This was my life everyone was blabbing about. I fumed through first period not allowing anyone to draw me into conversation. In second period, we were working on group posters and were, shockingly, allowed to choose our own groups. Of course, I nearly ran to Sonya hoping to hide behind her brain for the period since mine was otherwise occupied.
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