by Linda Conrad
"I turned the wheel the minute I caught sight of the truck in the right-hand mirror but it was too little and too late. The truck rammed directly into our passenger door with enough force to lift the van off the ground and push it across the median and into the oncoming lanes."
Bella was struck by the pain in his voice and the pictures of terror that his words had conjured in her mind. "I'm so sorry. But this was certainly no fault of yours."
He shook his head. "I'm a professional driver, for God's sake. I should've heard the sirens. If I'd had just a few seconds' warning, I could've taken some evasive action that might have saved lives."
She could hear and see his torment as he berated himself for failing to do the impossible. "How many were hurt in this incident?"
Cal hung his head. "My … wife … and the driver of the suspect's truck were killed instantly. An innocent motorist coming toward us from the other direction and I ended up in the hospital," he told her. "It could have been much worse, I suppose."
"And Kaydie? What happened to your daughter?"
"She wasn't injured at all." He looked over to the baby's sleeping form and blinked once. "I had insisted on keeping her behind me in the car and in a specially made cocoon-type infant seat. Jasmine used to complain about how much time it took to strap her in before we could go anywhere. And she was always griping about how she couldn't reach Kaydie if she started crying."
"So your actions did save your child's life. I think you should commend yourself for being careful rather than chiding yourself for your misfortune."
Cal jerked up from the table and limped to the side of his daughter's crib. "You don't understand."
Yes, Bella believed there was something more behind his guilt that she didn't understand. Something more he'd left unsaid. But she wasn't going to push him for answers that he obviously didn't want to give. Maybe he couldn't even admit them to himself.
She stood, moving closer to his side. "Why do you race cars, Cal?" Perhaps if she changed the subject he could put his troubles aside for a while.
He glanced at her, and she saw the clouds of hurt and self-hate slowly disappear as they lifted from his eyes. "It's an adrenaline addiction, I guess," he said with a shrug.
"Hmm. It sounds a little superficial to me. Sort of a rich man's game. Is that all you want from life?"
"I don't think of it as a game, and I don't believe it's about the money or the fans … although both are nice benefits. Racers like living on the edge, taking risks and feeling alive. I guess that description fits me to a T."
She glanced down at the sleeping baby's face and saw peace—exactly the opposite from what the father's words had described. Then she gazed at Cal, who had turned to look at his daughter. She was happy to see the love for his child radiating across his face, making him seem more appealing than ever.
As he'd spoken of his racing profession, he'd certainly given off high-voltage and combustible animal magnetism. Now as he looked at Kaydie, she found that his charm had finally managed to turn her insides into melted ice cream. His loving response to his child was breaking down her defenses.
Bella surprised herself by also noticing the warm electric currents arcing from his bare skin and zinging through her flesh, straight to her spine. She'd believed she'd stopped feeling these kinds of lustful things many years ago.
But she had to admit that she was definitely noticing them with this man. All her carefully constructed walls seemed about to crumble around her. Was it possible that she did still shelter a hope deep in her heart that someone somewhere would love her one day? Or was this simply an urgent erotic need, unlike any she'd ever known before?
"Maybe that description fits me, as well," she told him as she ordered her body back under her control. "I take my own kind of risks to do my job on the border." She didn't mention that taking risks was no big deal for someone like her who had no family and no love to care whether she stayed safe or not.
But the real risk would be in letting this charming man get too close. Whatever her body felt just couldn't matter. He was dangerous to her equilibrium and too big a risk for her peace of mind.
All the talk about risks reminded Cal of the life he'd had before any of this happened. Before the baby, and before he and Jasmine had to get married. He'd liked things the way they were back then.
Speed was what his life had been all about. He wasn't cut out to hang around a ranch wiping a kid's bottom.
As if to bring home his current miserable situation, when he twisted to move away from the crib, a spear of pain jolted through his leg straight to his hip. "Damn it." He had to stop and breathe just to keep upright.
"What is it, Cal? Are you in pain?"
"I'm fine," he retorted fiercely, as he fisted his hands and refused to bend to the pain.
She'd made a move to assist him, but when he shouted at her, she stepped back. The look on her face showed she felt stung and hesitant, exactly the opposite of what he'd been hoping to see there since the first time he'd opened his door to her.
"Damn it," he muttered again. How could he be so stupid as to push her away when what he really wanted was to get closer to her? He wanted her to feel the beginnings of need for him—not pity.
Cal stopped moving and took another deep, cleansing breath. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I didn't mean to yell. It's just that the pain surprises me sometimes. Right when I begin to think I'm healing and that I can start doing more, I do something thoughtless and have to rethink my plans."
He leaned hard on his crutch and shook his head. "God, why is this so hard?"
"Have you been receiving physical therapy for your injuries?" she asked warily.
Her voice had become so tentative that Cal immediately shrugged off the pain and concentrated his attention on Bella. "I was … while in the rehabilitation hospital. But I chose to leave and come back home." He forced a purely phony but easy smile, trying to put her more at ease. "Those doctors were all so pessimistic that I had to get away from there. I know what I'm capable of better than any supposed medical specialist who just looks at X-rays."
The tension lines at the corners of her eyes relaxed as she apparently started to trust him not to bite her head off again. "I know a little about physical therapy, it was one of the things I specialized in at nursing school. What did the doctors tell you?"
"Well, they informed me that I might never walk again." He tapped his thigh and raised his eyebrows at her. "Guess they were wrong about that one."
Cal shifted his weight so he could face Bella squarely. "They're wrong about the rest of it, too. I'll show them."
"What did they say?"
"They told me I might never be able to drive a car again and that racing would definitely be out of the question for the rest of my life." He tilted his head and winked at her. "But that's just bull dung. I'll be back in a car by next season."
Bella had listened carefully to the sentiment beneath his words. He was scared. His life had revolved around racing, and now it might be lost to him forever. Her heart went out to him.
Both a recent widower and a man who'd been forced out of his life's work, Cal needed help right now. Bella decided to make sure that he had that help before she made her way back across the border. She could never leave them stranded.
Bella changed her clothes, then she and Cal talked softly about nothing important. Racing, weather, what Cal wanted to accomplish with his career. Finally she rose from the table once again to check on Kaydie. The baby was still sleeping soundly and her skin was cool to the touch.
Bella looked out the kitchen window and was shocked to find the purple and rose rays of the breaking dawn showering the yard with early-morning shadows. She and Cal had talked on longer than she'd imagined. But he was so easy to be with, so charming and enthusiastic about his work and his life on the racing circuit that the time had whizzed by.
"Is Kaydie okay?" he murmured softly.
"She seems fine." Bella stuck her hand under the baby's bottom and found i
t a bit wet. "She just needs changing."
As Bella started to pull off the baby's diaper, the phone on the kitchen wall began to ring. Cal stood and limped to answer it.
She didn't want to eavesdrop, but the small kitchen did not afford any privacy. Cal, at first surprised by the early phone call, soon seemed irritated with the caller.
"Listen, Cinco, I don't need your help yet," he said into the receiver. "I'll call when I want you to…"
Cal pulled the instrument from his ear and stared at it. "Son of a gun. The bastard hung up on me."
He slammed the phone down and turned to Bella. "That was my brother. He was a little hot that I hadn't called him when the baby's nanny took off yesterday. Seems his wife has been keeping an eye on us from above."
Bella began to ask the obvious question to that remark, but Cal quickly explained. "My sister-in-law, Meredith, is in charge of Gentry Ranch's range pilots and air fleet. One of her jobs is to oversee the hands checking the fence lines every morning, along with watching for problems with the stock."
"Oh?" Bella broke in. "Do you think she might've spotted the coyotes while she was checking the ranch? I don't know where they'd be in the daylight hours."
Cal shrugged. "I don't know. We'll have to ask Cinco. But I guess Meredith has been watching out for Kaydie and me. She flew over yesterday and noticed that the Suburban was gone but that there was smoke coming from the chimney."
He grimaced and continued. "On this morning's rounds she saw that the truck was still gone and began to worry." Cal sighed and shook his head. "I imagine we'll be getting a visit from my brother very soon."
"Oh, but that is good … no?" Bella was relieved to think that someone would come to help Cal and Kaydie; the two of them seemed so vulnerable. Eventually she would have to leave, and perhaps the sooner the better—before she grew too attached to the child—and to the father.
"No," he grumbled dejectedly. "Cinco's been heckling me to move into the main ranch house with him and Meredith. Our family's housekeeper is there to help with the baby, and my brother thinks I'd be safer under his roof."
"It sounds like your brother loves you and wants what is best for you. Wouldn't that be better than trying to make it alone?" she probed.
Cal shook his head sadly. "I know my brother loves me and he's been missing me all these years since I've been on the circuit. But he's a security freak."
Bella wondered again what he was trying to tell her.
Cal waved his hand in the air. "Cinco thinks he can save everyone and everything that happens to be within his reach. I'm sure he'd hire nurses for both Kaydie and me. I can't take being fussed over twenty-four hours a day."
Cal straightened and limped to the chair. "It would be the worst thing that could happen for me, and probably for Kaydie too. I need my independence to keep moving. I have to relearn how to take care of myself." He sat down gingerly and leaned on his elbow. "I can't take the chance of letting Cinco smother me with kindness. I know I must live through the pain so I can get back to doing what I love. In order to drive again, I have to be tough on myself."
Bella had listened to everything he'd said, and tried to listen to the things he'd left unsaid. "Have you thought of letting your brother and sister-in-law take Kaydie into their home temporarily? Maybe you could do better if you had less to worry about."
Cal's face turned ashen, and he stared at her as if she'd just suggested that he throw his child to the wolves. "My daughter is my responsibility. My father taught all his children to honor their responsibilities and to do their duty to their families. I just need a little help with her right now, that's all."
Bella felt as if he'd struck her. She thought she knew him well enough by now to know that he was an honorable man. She hadn't meant to accuse him of anything. And she couldn't figure out why his reaction had been so intense.
"Cal, I didn't mean that you should give up your daughter permanently. I just thought…"
"It's okay." His demeanor quickly changed and he shook off her apology. "Actually, I'd already thought of that solution myself. But I don't think Cinco will accept leaving me here alone. And … and … I think he might need more time to get to know Kaydie better."
Bella thought that last remark was a strange thing for Cal to say. Somehow his words had not made any sense to her. Even listening between the lines with her soul, the way she'd learned to do with the migrants, had not been enough to decipher his meaning this time.
But one thing had come through quite clearly. He needed help and was probably trying to find a way to ask her to stay and take care of his child while he worked on healing himself. It was something she would certainly have to consider.
An hour later Cal stood at the kitchen sink alone, washing out the few dishes they'd used for breakfast. After she'd fed Kaydie and before she'd gone to take another shower, Bella had fixed a delicious meal consisting of scrambled eggs with chopped corn tortillas and sausage mixed right in.
He'd found he enjoyed learning about the complex and gorgeous Bella. She was a better cook by far than Jasmine ever could've been. In fact, her food was as good as the Gentry Ranch's longtime housekeeper, Lupe, who made the wonderful Tex-Mex cuisine Cal had loved since childhood.
Man, he sure hoped he could convince Bella to stay on for a while. Life would be exceedingly easier—and maybe, if he played his cards right, a lot more challenging.
A quick rap on the cabin's front door caught Cal's attention. But before he could dry his hands and limp to answer it, Cinco strode through the door and into the room.
"Well, I see you're still standing." Cal's older brother gestured toward the dishes drying on the counter. "And that you can at least manage to feed yourself. Is your daughter still alive, too?"
Damn, but Cinco could sure annoy the hell out of him in less than sixty seconds. "Listen, bubba," he retorted, with as much emphasis on the hated baby-talk word for brother as he could manage. "We're doing just fine. Kaydie is asleep in the next room. You didn't need to break into your day just to come check on us."
Cinco ignored his remark. "Why didn't you call when Mrs. Garcia left so suddenly?" he demanded. "We've tried all along to make you understand we want you and the baby to come stay with us. Without the nanny, Meredith and I can't stand the thought of you and Kaydie trapped out here with no help and no way of escape in case of emergencies."
Cinco's expression turned softer and his eyes began to plead his case. "Things would be so much easier for you at home. We could handle everything for you."
* * *
Four
« ^ »
Cal threw the dish towel on the counter and turned to confront his brother. "That's just the point. I don't want your kind of 'easier.'" He shook his head as Cinco sat down, dwarfing the little kitchen table with his bulk. "I need rehabilitation … not protection. I have to learn to take care of myself before I can ever hope to go back to work."
"Cal … brother. Before you left the rehabilitation hospital I spoke with your doctors." It was Cinco's turn to sadly shake his head. "You've done an amazing job of getting back on your feet but … sometimes life throws rocks at us instead of roses. You have to learn to dodge instead of hanging tough in the middle of the road."
"You sound just like Nana Gentry used to with her 'garden philosophies,'" Cal muttered. "And it seems to me you gave me this same speech twelve years ago.
It was the wrong speech for me then and it's the wrong thing now."
"Sit down a second, Cal," Cinco softly suggested.
Cal decided it wouldn't hurt to give his leg a rest. He propped the crutch in the corner and sat beside his brother. But he really didn't care to hear Cinco's pessimistic words as he tried to make the case for Cal to come back to the main house. Cal sighed and resigned himself to the inevitable.
"Almost thirteen years ago," Cinco began. "We were all so devastated and so young that it was hard to put our feelings into the right words. Each of the three of us took Mom and Dad's disappearance in
a different way. I gave up my dreams and came home to pull in my horns. I was determined not to lose anyone else from the family."
Cinco rolled his eyes at his own foolishness. "That wasn't a particularly mature or practical way to go, as it turns out." He tried to muffle a groan. "And poor, lost little Abby simply stopped developing into an adult. She became the original western version of Peter Pan, forever a tomboy with no need to dwell on her pain."
"And me, big brother? How do you, in all your newfound wisdom, see me?" Cal interrupted.
Cinco narrowed his eyes at him. "I do have a new wisdom. One born in love. I see all of us a lot clearer now that Meredith has taught me how to look."
Cal shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He wasn't sure he was ready for any more lectures from his big brother. In fact, he'd never really been ready for them.
Regardless of what Cal wanted, Cinco seemed determined to make his points. "You ran, Cal. Where I dug in and got ready to fight off the world, and when Abby stuck her head in the ground, you took off and never looked back. You refused to admit anything bad ever happened in this life. You thought if you just drove fast enough, had enough meaningless affairs and never put down any roots, nothing really bad could stick to you again."
What his brother was saying had occurred to Cal many times over the years. He wasn't exactly blind to what he had made of his life. But he liked it just that way.
"So what," Cal countered. "What's wrong with living life in the fast lane? At that speed you don't have time to sit around feeling sorry for yourself." He narrowed his own eyes at his brother. "Or … to meddle in other people's lives without being invited."
Cinco fisted a hand on the table, but Cal noticed him pointedly relaxing his shoulders. "Life in the fast lane can get you killed, bro. And what's worse, it can hurt the people around you, too."
Cal fisted his own hands but bit down on the inside of his cheek so he wouldn't say the things that he knew he would regret. He refused to get into it with his brother on just his second day back at the ranch. Besides, although they didn't know it yet, he had a plan for Cinco and his wife to keep Kaydie while he returned to the racing circuit. It was most important that they take the time to learn to love the baby. And Cal needed to stay on Cinco's good side until then.