She shrugged but the corners of her mouth turned up slightly. “I can’t be gone too long. I need to pick Phoebe up from Mum’s in a few hours.”
I shook my head. “This won’t fucking take long.”
Then I had a thought. “Actually, why don’t we go to Garden City for shopping instead? Kill two birds and all that.”
“That should be okay.” I took that as an acceptance and headed toward the motorway. When I hit the on ramp, I slowed right down. After ensuring there was no one behind me, I pulled to a complete stop. Then, when the motorway ahead was clear enough, I dropped the clutch and floored the accelerator, slamming through each gear and pinning Alyssa back in her seat with the G-force of my take-off.
It felt good and right. It was what I was made to do. When I tore past one-twenty, I hesitated because I wasn’t sure about Alyssa’s reaction. I honestly thought she would scream or get pissed with me like she used to when I pulled this shit after first getting my licence. She fucking surprised the shit out of me by giggling and fuck if it didn’t sound terrific. It made me forget everything that had happened in the last four years. I was simply a fucking boy taking his girl for a drive. I flicked it into sixth as we sailed past one-fifty kilometres per hour before finally slowing back down to the speed limit.
“So, will—” I cut myself off. I was going to ask whether she’d tell me a little about Phoebe, but wasn’t sure I was ready to hear it or broach any topic that wasn’t completely and certifiably safe. “Why don’t you tell me about uni?”
Alyssa told me all about her course, her studies, and what she’d been doing. I listened with rapt attention as I headed in the general direction of Garden City, hoping it wasn’t a wasted trip. For all I fucking knew the place had been torn down or whatever in the years I’d been gone, but I assumed Alyssa would have said something if it had been. Back when we were kids, it was always bigger than the Grand Plaza, so I figured it still would be.
IT TURNED out my instinct was right and the shopping centre was fucking huge. It was the sort of place you could easily get fucking lost in. After parking the car, I walked to Alyssa’s side and offered her my hand. I pushed the lock on the remote and prayed to high fucking heaven that no one touched it. For their own sake.
When I walked into the shopping centre and saw an expanse of white marble and flashy shopfronts, I freaked the fuck out.
“Where the hell am I supposed to go to get clothes from?” I thought out loud.
I didn’t really expect a response, but Alyssa laughed and pulled my hand, tugging me away from the food court and in the direction of some shops. We passed a surf shop and I pulled her inside. Grabbing a few pairs of boardies and a couple of surf tees, I headed straight into the change rooms. Usually I wouldn’t have given a shit whether they fit or not, or even what they looked like on me, but I wanted to prolong the time I spent with Alyssa. The fact that it meant she had to look at my body to see whether the clothes looked any good was just an added fucking bonus.
We spent the next hour going from shop to shop, but I only found two pairs of shorts and three fucking shirts that Alyssa said looked good. I refused to buy anything that she didn’t like. The few items we’d got weren’t going to be enough to get me through for long. Which meant that I had a ready-made good fucking excuse for another day of shopping with her. Internally, I celebrated, but outwardly, I sighed. “I guess we should head back?”
I glanced up and noticed we were back where we started from, near the food court.
Alyssa looked at her watch and nodded. “Do you mind getting something to eat first?”
Fuck no. I shrugged. “What do you feel like?”
She shrugged. “Sushi?”
“Okay, my treat.”
She looked like she was going to argue. I put my finger on her lips, partly to stop her argument, but mostly because it gave me an excuse to fucking touch her lips again. “For dragging you around against your will.”
She laughed and muttered something about it not being totally against her will, but relented.
ON THE way back to Browns Plains, Alyssa’s phone rang. She had a quick discussion with whoever it was and then hung up.
“We’ll go straight to my house, if that’s all right?” she asked.
“Of course, but what about Phoebe? Isn’t she at your mum’s house?”
“Flynn picked her up and took her home after her nap.”
I felt my eyebrows scrunch reflexively, but tried not to let it show to Alyssa. There was no way I was going to screw up our decent day. “Are those two close?”
“I guess. I mean he’s practically been a father to her since she was born. So she’s comfortable around him at least.”
“Does she love him?” Do I really want to know?
Alyssa shrugged. “Yeah. I mean as much as a three-year-old truly loves anyone. He dotes on her though.”
I wanted to say that it was all right, that I understood, but I couldn’t. My fucking chest burned too much. Even though I knew I had no right to be angry about it, and that I only had myself to blame, I couldn’t get over the fact that some other fucker was playing dad to my daughter. I fumed.
“She takes after you so much,” Alyssa said. I could tell it was a distraction. I wondered how she knew exactly the right moments to fucking distract me—especially when she claimed to not know me anymore. “She’s a little hothead too. And so stubborn.”
“Stubborn?” I asked, my eyebrow raised. “I seem to recall you had the market cornered on stubborn.”
In my peripheral view, I saw her open her mouth to say something, but then she shut it again almost immediately and her expression fell.
“What?” I asked.
She shook her head.
“Tell me what you were going to say, please?”
“Uh-uh. No way.”
“What were you saying about stubbornness being my trait?” I laughed.
Her replying chuckle made me smile. “Okay, maybe you have a point, but you still out-stubborn me.”
“What makes you say that?” I asked. Then I glanced at her and groaned. Sorrow filled her eyes, forcing me to see exactly what made her say that. Despite the news she’d had to impact, she’d given up calling me long before I would have ever accepted her call. In fact, even if she’d called every fucking day for the past four years, I probably wouldn’t have answered the phone. It was only a pure fucking coincidence that threw us together on that plane. If it hadn’t, I’d still be ignorant to everything and ignoring the pull to return home—to return to her.
Some say ignorance is bliss; I say fuck that shit. Despite the pain and heartbreak I’d experienced, I was glad I’d learned the truth. If not for the plane ride with Alyssa, and everything after it, I’d still be fucking around through life wondering exactly what the fuck was wrong with me. Now, at least I knew what was causing me to crash: regret.
I regretted leaving Alyssa. If I’d stayed with her, I would have regretted not going to Sinclair Racing and probably grown to resent what I had. My life was destined to be filled with regrets whichever path I took. And apparently it made me whinge like a bitch.
“Forget I asked,” I said, acknowledging her pain without voicing the words.
Alyssa gave a small nod—either of gratitude or acceptance, I didn’t know which. Except for Alyssa’s whispered directions to her house as we drew closer, we were quiet the rest of the trip home.
I pulled the car up to the kerb near her house. Despite the silence between us, she seemed as reluctant to leave the car as I was for her to go.
“Thank you,” I said. “For coming today. I think you saved me from a few fashion disasters.”
She stared steadfastly at her hands. “I don’t know about that. I just told you what I preferred. Nothing really looks bad on you.”
“That sounded dangerously close to a compliment,” I teased.
She raised her eyes to mine and then lifted one eyebrow. “Why are you fishing for one?”
“Woul
d I have to fish hard?”
She sighed. “Of course you’re hot, Dec. But you know it, you know? That does take away some of the appeal.”
“Is that why you came on to me in London?” As soon as the words left me, I felt a surge of regret. It was the first time either of us had mentioned what had happened on the plane, and I was certain I’d just fucked up what had been a mostly decent day.
She cast her eyes down. “That was . . .”
When she trailed off, I wondered how her sentence was going to end. A mistake. Nostalgia. Desperation. Perfection.
She met my eyes again and shrugged. “Well, it was what it was, and perhaps it’s better if it’s left at that.”
Even though my heart plummeted at her words, I nodded with the best smile I could. When the air between us grew awkward, I decided I couldn’t let the moment hang. “I don’t know if I’m going to get in trouble again for this shit, Alyssa, but I was telling the truth before when I said you were beautiful. I mean you were always fucking beautiful but now you’re just stunning.”
She blushed and her eyes dropped back to her hands. I wasn’t sure what to expect, especially after being shut down over the London thing, but when she raised her gaze again she simply whispered, “Thank you.”
“It’s just the truth.” I brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. The atmosphere between us shifted again, and the sensation of touching her ran from my fingers straight down into the pit of my stomach. She closed her eyes and leaned ever so slightly into my touch. The urge to reach across and kiss her burned in the pit of my stomach like a fucking desperate need.
Instead, I dropped my hand and leaned back, feeling a little breathless, but in a really good way. It was amazing how strong the impact of one innocent touch shared with her could be.
Alyssa exhaled and her breath quavered a little as it came out. She put her hand on the door handle, and I knew I had to stop her. I didn’t want our day to be over yet. Even though the morning had been heavy and hard, the afternoon shopping trip had been like nothing I’d experienced in a long time. The whole time we’d bantered, joked, and basically acted like we were actually friends. We’d fallen straight back into how it had always been for us. It just felt so fucking natural.
I had to think of some way to prolong our time together. I could only think of one. “Do you think I could meet her?”
As soon as the words left my mouth I realised it wasn’t just a way to stay with Alyssa. I actually genuinely wanted to meet Phoebe. My daughter. I couldn’t say if it was because Alyssa had told me about our similarities, or whether it was something I’d wanted all along but just couldn’t admit to myself. With the words out in the open, a burning and urgent desire to meet my daughter had built.
Alyssa seemed to consider my words and stared at my face for a long time. She twirled the ends of her hair around her fingers—a nervous gesture from years ago—and frowned.
“I don’t care how you introduce me. You can just say I’m a fucking friend of the family or whatever, but please, Alyssa? Please, let me do this?”
She considered me for another half a minute. “On one condition.”
“You and your fucking conditions,” I muttered, but tried to keep my tone light. I knew she had every right to be as fucking demanding as she wanted after what she’d been through. But fucking hell, it wasn’t as if I wasn’t trying my fucking hardest to do what she needed.
She rolled her eyes. “Just watch your mouth, please.” Alyssa paused and I thought that she was just admonishing me for my muttering until she continued, “She picks things up very easily.”
I nodded and smiled. “I’ll try.”
With her permission solidified, my heart pounded in my chest. Could I really do it? I was going to do this, but fucking could I?
Alyssa smiled at me quickly and then turned and opened her door. I was frozen in place. I took a deep breath and eventually found the strength to open my door and climb out too. When I shut the door, it was harder than I usually would and I cursed myself for slamming it. If anyone else had fucking done it, I’d have been all up in their face. At that moment though, I was dazed. Alyssa seemed to realise how lost and anxious I was.
“Are you sure you’re ready to do this?”
I shook my head and took another deep breath. “No, I’m really not,” I said, determined to be honest with her whatever the cost. “But I want to do this, and I don’t know if I’ll ever really be ready for the first time.”
She played with the ends of her hair again. It was proof that the thought of me meeting Phoebe was as nerve-wracking for her as it was for me. “Would you rather wait until you’ve had some time to discuss it with someone else?”
Figuring she was referring to the agreement that I see a shrink, I shook my head. If I didn’t do it right then, I’d always find some other reason. Some other excuse. Partly, I was worried about screwing up and saying the wrong thing. Underneath everything though, I knew what my fucking problem was: the knowledge that one little girl would likely have a pull over me one hundred times stronger than Alyssa did. That truth echoed into the very depths of my soul and it frightened the living shit out of me.
Alyssa grabbed hold of my hand. “You can do this. She’s just a little girl. She won’t bite . . . hard.” She laughed.
I walked to the house, unsure of how my feet were moving because I sure as shit knew I wasn’t telling them to. Alyssa pushed open the door. “Flynn? Pheebs?”
My heart thundered in my ears until it was drowned out by an excited squeal. “Mummy!”
The little girl from the photo, the miniature Alyssa with my eyes, rounded the corner. Her eyes widened and she froze in place when she saw me. Alyssa bent over and put her arms out and Phoebe ran into them. She wrapped her tiny arms around Alyssa’s neck and Alyssa stood, pulling Phoebe up with her. She whispered into Phoebe’s ear, “This is Declan. He’s a friend of Mummy’s.”
When Alyssa said my name, Phoebe’s face lit up into a huge smile. It looked just like my fucking smile. The sight was so surreal. Her eyes were bright as she declared, “Declan . . . Auntie Ruby’s friend.”
“What’s that, sweetie?” Alyssa asked.
My heart started to thunder again. I wondered whether or not Alyssa knew about that phone call and I didn’t want her to be pissed at me if she didn’t. It wasn’t like I’d deliberately kept it from her, it’d just never come up.
Thankfully, the moment was interrupted by Flynn coming out from the hallway. “Hey, Lys. Oh, hi again, Declan.”
I nodded, but didn’t look at him. I couldn’t look anywhere else. The vision of Alyssa and Phoebe together was too powerful for me to even try to tear my eyes from. Apart, they were each beautiful and held my heart captive, but the two of them together like that was enough to fucking cleave my heart in two at any thought of ever leaving again.
“Are you going to come to my birthday party, Declan?” Phoebe asked.
My mouth was dry, I couldn’t even think of anything appropriate to say.
“Your birthday is a long way off, sweetie,” Alyssa whispered.
I could hear in her voice the doubt that I would still be around then. I wanted to tell them both that without a doubt I would be there, but I couldn’t. There was too much that was still unknown. Too much damage still to fix. The fact that I would be back in Sydney then was a big fucking issue too.
I stood and stared at Phoebe, and she stared back at me, that fucking grin plastered across her face.
“You’ve got blue eyes like me,” she said, pointing at my face.
Fuck. The elephant in the room grew exponentially. I closed the distance a little.
“My hair’s different though,” I said, running my hand over my auburn spikes. I looked to Alyssa for guidance, because I had no idea how the fuck to talk to a child.
“It’s pretty and red,” Phoebe said. “My hair’s brown.”
I smiled. “It’s pretty too. It looks just like your mummy’s used to when she was little
.”
Alyssa had tensed and looked uncomfortable throughout our exchange. Even though I wanted desperately to alleviate the tension, there was only one way I could think of and I didn’t want to fucking do it. Not yet. Still, I decided to man up and do it for Alyssa. For the first time in fucking years, I did something I didn’t want to do for the sake of someone else. “Well, thanks for the help today, Lys. I’ll . . . um . . . I’ll be heading off now. I’ll see you later though, yeah?”
She nodded, the look of relief on her face both astonishing and fucking depressing. Feeling it was clear she didn’t want me there, I turned to leave. Then I debated with myself for one second before turning and giving Alyssa, and then Phoebe, a quick peck on the cheek. I swept out the door before my resolve to leave dissolved completely. I pulled the door shut behind me, and then braced myself against it for a few seconds, knowing without doubt that my life was different to what it had been before. The simple fact was my life was no longer my own. It now belonged to the little girl with the turquoise eyes.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: SHRINK
MUM WAS OUT when I arrived home from dropping Alyssa off. I hoped like fuck she’d left me a spare key somewhere because I had no idea where my house keys were. I couldn’t even remember if I’d taken them with me when I’d left for Sydney. Even if I had, I certainly hadn’t brought them back up with me. I hadn’t even thought to grab any before I left on my walk with Alyssa. I searched in all the usual hiding spots, but couldn’t see anything. Even the letterbox was empty. I decided either Mum hadn’t given it a second thought or, more likely, was probably punishing me for taking off in the car without telling her and then being gone for so long without a phone call.
I walked through the gate into the backyard to wait. Sitting at the outdoor setting, I pulled out my phone. For the first time in over a week, I turned it on. Mostly because I needed it to make a vital call, but I’d also decided it was time to face the messages from Bathurst and deal with the fallout. Despite the fact that almost two weeks had passed since I’d crashed, I still hadn’t looked at them.
Decline (Declan Reede: The Untold Story #1) Page 24