Decline (Declan Reede: The Untold Story #1)

by Michelle Irwin

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  Alyssa responded by pulling her hands, which were still in my hair, toward herself and forcing my lips back to hers. She kissed me fiercely and I responded, wrapping both my arms around her waist and lifting her against my body. Before I was ready to let go again, Alyssa’s hands dropped out of my hair and she broke off the kiss.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  I chuckled. “That was my line.”

  She laughed softly, without any mirth.

  “I am sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you, Alyssa. More sorry than you will ever know.”

  “Even for the email?” Her voice held a little resentment.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: SPIRAL

  “WHAT DO YOU mean?” I asked, wondering what the hell she could mean by her question.

  “For the reply I got to the email asking you to call me.”

  “You never emailed me asking to call you. You called me asking to call you but never emailed.”

  “I did. You even responded.” Her voice was thick with emotion.

  I shook my head trying to clear the cobwebs that were quickly settling back over my mind. Email. Mum had mentioned something about an email too. What was that? That Alyssa had been in tears for hours after receiving it. I was afraid to ask the obvious question, but I had to. I had to know how badly I had hurt her if I ever wanted to make it right. “How did I respond?”

  “With photos and video attached of you screwing three other women. At once. And the email message said that I could go fuck myself, because you were no longer interested in talking to me.” Alyssa’s gaze fell to the ground as she fought back tears.

  I guided her face to look back at me and met her gaze as best as I could. “I’m sorry. You’ll never know how big an impact you’ve had on me. How big the hole in my heart was when I left. I fought against it, because I was consumed by you. Fighting it just made me hurt you over and over. There’s nothing I can say other than sorry, but I’ll say it a hundred times if I have to. A thousand. I’ll apologise every damn day for the rest of forever if that’s what it takes for you to forgive me.”

  The tears were flowing freely down Alyssa’s face now and she began to sob. I wrapped my arms around her and clutched her tightly to my chest. I could feel all of her curves moulding to the front of my body and found myself instantly hard. I dropped my arms and stepped back quickly, landing on my arse but unsure how I got there.

  Alyssa sighed. “Why do you have to be drunk to have this conversation? You probably won’t even remember this in the morning.”

  I smirked at her. “I mingh’t . . . mightn’n . . . might not, but you will. And that’s what’s important.”

  I waved my arm in the air to punctuate my point and she laughed. After I’d offered her what I hoped was a sexy wink, she shook her head a little as her laughter continued.

  She held out her arm to me to help me off the ground. “Come on, Casanova, let’s get you up.”

  I didn’t think it through before I put my hand up to hers. As soon as her hand was in mine, I pulled, trying to help myself up. Instead, I succeeded only in pulling her on top of me. The weight of her body on just my upper torso pushed me to the ground and I instinctively wrapped my arms around her to stop her from getting hurt. We were soon a pile of jumbled limbs and laughter.

  When we settled, I was lying on the ground and Alyssa was above me staring intently into my face. She dipped her face again and pressed her lips to mine for the second time that night. I reciprocated hard, my body taking over and drinking in every bit of her it could. My hands roamed up the back of her shirt. She moaned against my mouth and that was all I needed. I rolled us together so I was on top of her and kissed her fiercely. Our tongues danced with each other and we both began to explore each other’s bodies.

  I broke off the kiss and raised my head when I heard the front door open.

  “Lys, you all right out here?” Josh asked quietly from the porch. Then his eyes focused on Alyssa and me. His voice was full of rage as he shouted, “What the fuck, Reede?”

  I extricated myself from Alyssa’s arms as quickly as I could and crawled backward. I lost control of my limbs and ended up on my arse for the second time. I raised my hands up in an attempt at defence, but knew it was futile in my current state. I wasn’t even able to find my own fucking voice.

  “Josh, stop!” Alyssa seemed to come to her senses quickly and stood, holding her hand out to him.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Josh snapped.

  Alyssa’s voice was thick with both rage and embarrassment. “Josh, I’m a grown woman. I can make my own choices.”

  “You’re lying underneath Reede in the middle of our fucking lawn, Alyssa. That’s not a wise choice.”

  “I—I fell. Alyssa was helping me up.” I found my voice finally. Even I recognised how piss-weak I sounded.

  Josh scoffed. “Sure, that’s what it looked like. I swear to God, Reede. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t fucking knock your block off right now?”

  “Because I came over to fucking apologise to Alyssa,” I shouted, managing to push myself up off the ground.

  “You’ll never be able to apologise enough for how much you hurt her.”

  For some reason, I took a few steps toward him. It seemed my brain had overridden my sense of self-preservation. “You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t realise that nothing I ever do will erase how I’ve made her feel? But how about the shit that you did?”

  He seemed amused that I was coming at him and confused by my words. “Like?”

  “Don’t give me that ‘like?’ crap! Like fucking kicking my arse for no fucking reason. You don’t think that hurt Alyssa too? Especially considering your fucking beating was a big part of why I signed the contract and went to Sydney.” I was right in his face now. I was ready for him to take a swing at me. Practically begging for it.

  Instead, he just laughed and shook his head. “Keep telling yourself that. You can’t even own up and say that you made a decision because it was the one you wanted to make.”

  “Of course it was the fucking decision I wanted to make. Why the hell would I want to stay in this shithole town and be a fucking housebound husband when I can go live every fucking male’s dream driving race cars?” I realised how bad the words sounded the instant they left my mouth. I turned quickly to look at Alyssa, but all I saw was her back as she pushed past Josh and ran back in the house.

  Josh just stood there looking smug. “I think it would be best if you left now, Reede.”

  “No. Fuck you. I’m not leaving until I talk to Alyssa again.”

  “What if she doesn’t want to talk to you?”

  “I don’t fucking care. I need to tell her that she’s the reason.”

  “She’s the reason for what?”

  “For me—no, fuck it! I’m not explaining anything to you. I don’t owe you shit. I owe Alyssa explanations. Explanations I don’t even fucking understand myself.”

  “I’m not getting Alyssa for you.”

  “I’ll talk to her again. I’ll wait here all fucking night if I have to.”

  “Do what you want.” He shrugged and turned back into the house.

  I walked up to the door and put my hand on it, unsure what to do next. If I knocked, there was every chance that Josh would answer. Which meant there was every fucking chance he would knock my head off. The alcohol haze over my head didn’t help the decision-making process. The only thing I knew for sure was that I was unable to leave. I couldn’t even if I tried. In the end, I slumped against the door and rested my head against the doorjamb.

  At some point, I must have fallen asleep because I was woken by the sound of a woman’s screams. I stood and stretched out. Every part of me ached from the uncomfortable position I’d been in. My head ached most of all. The screams came from the room with the window just down from where I was
standing and I just knew who it was who’d screamed. It was strange how I could recognise any sound Alyssa made. It was as if it registered in some part of my brain that was reserved only for her.

  I tapped gently on the window, hoping I could wake her from what I assumed was a nightmare. The curtain slid back to reveal Alyssa’s confused face staring at me. She opened the window a little.

  “Declan, what are you still doing here?”

  Fucking Josh. I knew he wouldn’t tell her. “I’ve been waiting for you to come back out, so that I can explain.”

  She rubbed her forehead as she assessed me.

  “Dec, what . . .” She trailed off with a sigh, as if whatever she was going to ask hadn’t been that important. When she continued, she sounded exasperated, as if I’d been wearing on her last nerve and had just destroyed it. “I’m not going to talk to you about this while you’re drunk. Can you just ring me later or something?”

  Her voice held the same finality I’d heard so many times when we were kids. The confirmation we’d reached tipping point and I’d pushed her too far. It almost felt like she was about to tell me to get out of her life just after I’d realised I needed her in mine. “W-will you talk to me if I call?”

  “Yes.” She frowned and started to slide the window closed. “For some reason, I can’t avoid you. Even when I want to.” Her words floated to me less than a second before the window clicked shut.

  Bile rose in my throat. I didn’t think she’d intended for me to hear the statement, but it was impossible to ignore now that I had. She wanted to avoid me. The words were knives to my heart, slashing at the still-fresh wounds on my soul. I couldn’t take it anymore. Certain aspects of my life might have been fucked up, but I’d never felt so much—good and bad—as I had in the last few days and I was ready to turn it all off again if that’s what she wanted. “Fuck it!”

  Without looking back, I turned and headed for my car. The thought solidified that maybe I should just give up and go home—take whatever consequence was coming to me.

  If she wanted to avoid me, that was fine by me. I would just have to cope with it the best way I knew. My life had been empty, but so had I. As far as I was concerned, empty beat the constant fucking ache in my heart since the moment I’d seen Alyssa on the plane.

  The night was filled with heavy, black clouds, just like the ones that surrounded my fucked-up soul. Even though I prayed that they’d hold long enough for me to make my retreat, I’d barely reached the end of Josh’s street before it started to spit. As if the sky itself wanted to take its shot at me, the raindrops grew heavier with each step I took and by the time I was halfway back to the car, it was bucketing down. Fat drops hit the road in loud splats, and soaked through my clothes in no time.

  By the time I reached my car, I was soaking wet and pissed off. I threw open the door and grabbed the second bottle of whiskey from the passenger seat. With barely a consideration of all the reasons I shouldn’t, I threw back a mouthful.

  Instead of helping, and easing the pain, it just reminded me of Alyssa’s ridiculous rules for trying for an us. A fresh wave of nausea rolled through my stomach. Even the booze couldn’t give me comfort now.

  Alyssa had charged back into my life, fucked everything up and now she wanted to avoid me. Worse, I couldn’t even soothe the ache in the usual way.

  Fuck her.

  Holding the bottle of whiskey by the neck, I drew back my arm and tossed it at the kerb across the road. The loud crash as it hit the cement offered a momentary salve that lasted only as long as the sound hung in the air. I wanted to do more damage. Needed to burn down the world, to lash out and tear open scars at least the size of the one on my heart.

  Just as it had with every other crossroads in my life, part of me screamed to run to get the fuck away from it all. Before I’d even considered what I was doing, I was in the car and the engine was running.

  It was only when I put the car in drive that I stopped. I froze because I didn’t want to run. Not this time. I wanted her. More than that, I wanted to deserve her. With a new determination burning through me, I glanced back in the direction of Josh’s house.

  “I will earn you back, Lys,” I said, as if she’d be able to hear me despite the distance between us. “Whatever it takes.”

  Putting the car in first, I drove away even as a plan for winning Alyssa back formulated in my alcohol-addled brain.

  Without really planning where I wanted to go, I headed for my parents’ house. No doubt Mum would be waiting to lecture me like I was a teenager again, but I’d deal with it. I’d take all the shit in the world for Alyssa. And I’d take it all twice for the little girl with turquoise eyes.

  For my daughter.

  For Phoebe.

  It was her name that burned through my heart and a vision of her that danced behind my eyes as something darted onto the road in front of me. I smashed my foot against the brake. The rain slicking the bitumen made it difficult to wrestle the Monaro back onto the road.

  My heart was in my throat as I lost control of the car and it went into a slide. I tried to correct but pushed too far in the opposite direction and the tail spun loose. With my usual instincts dulled by the whiskey, I couldn’t stop the car from pirouetting into the opposite lane just as a pair of headlights came around the corner in front of me.

  I lifted my arm up to shield my eyes from the light seconds before I heard the impact.

  I lurched forward against my seatbelt with a sickening crunch.

  Seconds later, everything went black.

  THE STORY CONTINUES IN

  DECEIVE

  DECLAN REEDE: THE UNTOLD STORY #2

  17TH DECEMBER 2015

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