by Mia Ford
I step carefully, purposefully, gasping desperately as I climb the mountain. Thankfully, I make it to the top without too much drama, but then I find myself outside the door, ready for the next challenge. This is going to be even worse. Climbing those steps is a walk in the park compared to this. It’s so freaking serious. There are a few people in there waiting to see if I’ll be good a filing admin. But as Katherine warned me, the questions will be intense. They act like you’re coming in for a manager position no matter what. It’s crazy.
I lift up my fist, ready to knock, but before I can even do that a physic on the other side calls me in.
“Come in.” The voice is booming, commanding, and it shakes me to the core. I automatically glance around for cameras but I don’t see anything. They must just somehow know that I’m here.
I walk through the door, my heel giving way beneath me as I do making me stumble. Immediately, a humiliated heat races through my body, this is not the best start. But it isn’t the worst either. There’s still hope.
“H… hi,” I stammer out, walking forward with my hand outstretched. “I’m Tamara Owen.”
“Yes.” The man in the middle looks at my hand as if it’s poison. He reaches out and shakes it but I can tell he isn’t keen. “Thank you for coming in to meet with us, Tamara Owen. Please, take a seat.”
I sit down, hitting the edge of the seat. It makes me wince with pain as something hard crashes into my butt, but I try my hardest to cover it up. I slide back as discretely as I can manage.
“So, Tamara, we were very intrigued to get your application. Your resume is very thin but your education is good.” He places the sheet of paper down and gives me a look. “That’s why we agreed to see you.”
Okay, so my college education means something, even if I don’t. I glance to the women on either side of him wishing I could get a glimpse of help from either of them, but they’re stony faces and cold.
“I erm, yes. I think… erm…” Did Katherine prepare me for this question? My mind is completely blank!
“What I’m trying to ask is why you applied to work here and what you think you can offer.”
My insides coil, sickness swirls violently, even frustrated tears prick my eyes because I cannot think.
“My life took a… a different turn after college, but now I want to get it back on track.” That’s a complete lie but I think it sounds good. “That’s why I want to work in such an awesome company.”
Awesome… did I just say that? Awesome? Who the hell describes something professional as awesome?
“Mhmm, yes, and what can you offer?” he reminds me, ignoring my faux pas, I think.
“Well, I’m hard working. I can be… be organized…” What the hell else is good about me? “I will work whenever you need me to and I’ll… get along with others. I can work well with… with people.” Another lie.
“I see yes.” He frowns, he’s unimpressed. “So, where do you see yourself in five years’ time from now?”
My mind went even blanker, it was like a big deep hole of nothingness. I really didn’t know, I wasn’t exactly the sort of person to plan. Especially not that far ahead. “Oh, I don’t know,” I giggle like an idiot. “It took everything that I have to get myself here. I’m not planning next week never mind next year.”
I wanted that to be funny but I really didn’t manage to pull it off. They just look less and less impressed. I shift uncomfortably in my seat just wishing that a giant hole would grow to swallow me up and take me away from this. I grit my teeth together and try to keep any more words inside. I don’t want to vomit here.
“Right, I see. So, I would like to tell you that we have had a lot of applications for this position. It’s going to be very difficult for us to pick just one applicant. Why should we choose you over everyone else?”
“That’s just the same question, isn’t it?” Oh God, my mouth is open again and the words are flowing. “I mean, I don’t know how I can answer that without seeing the other applicants. I… I just need this job.” If I can’t stop talking, I might as well just be honest. “I would work hard for you because I need to, okay?”
I fold my arms across my chest, defensive spilling over. I’m being judged and my shitty first impression is killing me. I want to race out the door and to come back in to try over, I wish I could tell them that I just don’t do well the first time over. They bore their eyes into me, and it makes me hate myself.
“Thank you, Tamara Owens.” He turns away from me, any element of nicety over. “We’ll be in touch.”
I rise to a standing position, yet somehow, I can’t seem to quite let it go. “Does that mean I don’t have the job? I would just like to know now so I can keep on looking around. I’d rather be sure…”
“We haven’t decided,” he snaps back. “Not until we’ve interviewed everyone.”
He knows that, we all do. I just wish he would have the courage to say it. I want him to look me dead in the eye and tell me that I’ve fucked it up so I can carry that weight around with me. But he won’t. I can already see it. He’s as tight lipped and closed off as this whole damn building. Well, I wouldn’t want to work here anyway.
“Right, okay. I’ll just get out of here then,” I reply thickly. “Thank you for your time.”
I can’t even run out of here; the floor is as slippery as the rest of the place. I have to go as dignified as I can manage which irritates me even more. By the time I exit the room all I want to do is scream. I can feel the frustration building in the pit of my stomach, dying to break free. Anxiety darts and dances, I can almost hear laughter bubbling around me. It hurts, I can almost feel it scraping across my skin like a knife. I don’t like the sensation that I’m being judged I’ve never been the sort of person to assume that I’m better than anyone, and I cannot understand why anyone else would think that either. I guess this is all just fate really. I wouldn’t fit in here, I would hate it every single day, so it’s better for me not to be hired. I’ll be okay, I’ll find somewhere to work. Somewhere that I might actually make friends and enjoy my life. This is just a test.
I’m half excited, half nervous to see Katherine, to see what she’ll have to say about it all. I’m sure she won’t be impressed, but I’ll try and explain, I’ll try and make myself out to be in the right even though she won’t believe it. She’ll know that I screwed it up, how can she not? Especially with how wired I am right now.
I can see the outside world as I reach the top of the stairs. It’s there, crying out to me, needing me. I speed up to get there and as I hit the third stair down I realize what a mistake this is. The speed combined with my desperation to escape makes me slip. I stagger, I stumble, and all of a sudden, I’m overcome with a panicky hollow sensation as I slide into an abyss of horror. It’s like I’m in one of those dreams where I’m falling and I can’t seem to stop it. I know I won’t hit the floor I’ll just keep on going and going until I wake up…
Only, I’m not dreaming, this is real and I’m actually falling. I hit hard all the way down, knocking my rag doll body everywhere. It doesn’t hurt, not at first because I’m in shock, I’m flopping and flashing certain unwanted body parts to the whole building where everyone hates me and I don’t fit in. This is my worst nightmare.
Then, I feel one last hit right at the top of my head and I can feel my brain switching off, the world around me turning into a deep dark blackness which encases me entirely. It’s painful, yet blissful because finally, I don’t need to worry anymore. The world is dead to me now.
I’m done.
5
Logan
The world whizzes past just like it does every single day as I stand on the train, suffering through my commute. I’ve taken to standing in the same carriage in exactly the same place every single day just waiting for something to happen. Something that isn’t ever going to happen. I really do need to give it up, it’s stilting me.
I drag my eyes away from the blurry view, darting my gaze around the carria
ge in the same way I do every single day. I’m looking for a shock of red hair or the dark brown hair that belongs to the girl who haunts my dreams every single night. I even wouldn’t mind seeing that angry flash in her stare again. Anything. It’s pathetic.
What the…? My heart jolts. Is that her? Is that actually… no, it can’t be, it just can’t…
I stuff my hands into my pockets and force myself to turn away. My pulse thunders in my ears, my mouth runs completely dry, I’m messy and raw all over. Even though I’ve been waiting for this moment, looking for this woman, it was all hypothetical. I didn’t expect to actually see her. Although… I didn’t see her face. So, maybe it wasn’t her and I’ve just got myself all tied up in knots for no reason. Anything’s possible. I’m going to have to look again to be sure. There’s no way I can base my assumption purely on a glance at the back of her head. Just because I think I know her well, doesn’t make that the truth. I don’t actually know her at all. I met her briefly for a couple of moments during the most stressful interaction I’ve probably ever had. Aside from the break up chat I had with Laura but I don’t ever want to even think about that again. That’s irrelevant here.
It almost destroys me because the nerves get too much, but I eventually manage to drag my eyes up to meet the back of her head again. This time as I look I start to think I might be picturing things. It might not be her at all. In fact, her hair was a little longer, I think, and straighter too. Plus, her clothes were very different.
I almost laugh with relief. What the hell is my problem? It’s been two weeks, obviously she didn’t get the job or I would have seen her already. It’s Friday, no one starts a job on a Friday. I need to calm the hell down and start remembering that I’m never going to see her again. Not even to say sorry. It’s over, done.
I grab out to the nearest pole to keep me upright. Every jolt of the train makes me paranoid now, I just can’t help it. I won’t ever bring a coffee with me again. Or any drink. Even if I’m dehydrated. I’ll just cope until I get off the train like every other person does. I don’t want another missed encounter because of a drink.
But then I feel a funny prickle on the side of my throat, a stare grabbing my attention. I don’t know how but I just know that it’s her. She’s turned and now she’s looking at me… but she’s just a stranger. It’s fine.
Holy shit! I span quickly to get it over and done with rapidly but now I wish that I’d taken my time. I wasn’t expecting to see her again, not now, and I certainly wasn’t prepared for the effect she’d have on me. She’s shaken me all the way to my core, she’s stunned me, knocked me from my feet, churned the world upside down.
It’s her. This time I’m one hundred percent sure. Her face is deeply imprinted in my brain, I know it well. I blink a couple of times, trying to check whether or not I’m dreaming. But nope, I’m awake. For sure.
My heart stops dead, it literally skips about ten beats. I’m pretty sure my knees give way. If I couldn’t feel my feet firmly on the ground I would be pretty sure that I was lying down, collapsed in shock. The weirdest part about it all is the smile on her lips. She isn’t looking at me like she hates me, she’s smiling, happy.
Why is she smiling at me? I feel even weirder. Is this some sort of game? Is she toying with me?
I feel like this is fate giving me another chance. If I ever wanted a time to say sorry then this would be it. I could just step to her, close the gap between us and make things right again. Maybe something will come of it, maybe not, but at least I could get the much needed closure that I never thought would happen. That’s something.
But I can’t get my legs going. I want to. I’m screaming at them to do so but they’re stuck, frozen in place, overcome with fear. It’s as if a whole block of ice surrounds me and I can’t break free. Not only did I screw up my first chance with her, I’m wrecking my second one as well. I’m hopeless, I don’t deserve anything.
I guess I can’t help fearing that she’s just going to snap again and she’ll cuss me out in front of everyone. When I consider how quickly she snapped and how wild she went, it’s easy to picture her going there again. I’d like to think it was just the heat of the moment but she might always be that way. After all, the version I have of her is really only in my mind. It isn’t real at all. This isn’t me being a coward. Well, not just that!
I try to turn away to break the moment while I get my thoughts together, but the powerful magnet keeps us there locked in place. We can’t seem to part no matter how hard we try, this is utterly insane…
Then she breaks the magic of the moment, but not by breaking the eye contact, but by stepping closer to me. Fear balls up in my throat as I realize that while I’m not quite ready to address this, she clearly is. The deep buzzing inside of me grows the closer she gets to me. I can feel everything vibrating violently.
“Hi,” she says much too brightly for my liking. “Do you mind if I come and stand with you? Big day today.”
“Y… yeah,” I stammer back awkwardly. “You have a big day today? Can I ask what?”
I knit my eyebrows together, confusion flooding me. This is so weird. She’s definitely playing games with me, trying to keep me on my toes and I don’t know what the hell to think about it.
“Oh, well.” She rolls her eyes dramatically. “I had this really bad day a couple of weeks ago, when I had a job interview.” Okay, I’m going to have to roll with this game to see where it leads. “I had a fall in the building and now they want to give me a check for it.” She tosses her head back and laughs. “They don’t want to give me the job but they want me to be quiet so they’re paying me off. Awesome, huh? I don’t have to work with all those damn stiffs my whole life. I hated that building. I don’t even want to go back there.”
I hide a secret smile to myself. It seems I didn’t do the worst thing in the world to her after all. I’ve been feeling terribly guilty every since that coffee flew out of my cup, but now I can see I didn’t ruin her life. I guess this is her playful way of getting over that and starting again. I can roll with that. I’m intrigued enough to.
“The check must be good then, if it’s dragging you back in.”
“Oh yeah. I mean, I don’t know the exact amount but I’m sure it’ll be good. It was one hell of a fall it put me in hospital.” She gives me a one shouldered shrug. “Plus, they were dicks to me so I want my cash.”
I laugh at her blasé manner, chuckling along with her. She’s even better this time around, I really do like her. I kinda knew that the first time around, but now I’m certain. She’s fiery and cool. Funny too. Of course, I’ve seen a crazy side to her but I don’t mind that. Not when I get to see the good as well.
“Well, it sounds to me like you deserve it. What do you plan to do with it?”
This is the moment a vulnerable side bursts out of her. She pouts out her bottom lip and blows out a deep breath of air. “I don’t know, really. I want an adventure. I keep getting told that I need to settle down and be an adult but I got trapped in a bit of a crappy situation for a while which trapped me. Now, while I know that is should be looking for something bigger and better, but I don’t know if that’s what I want.”
I feel a pull from her, loving this second impression. She’s a lot like me, I want to fly free as well. “Oh, I know what you mean,” I reassure her. “That’s why I’m planning a world wide trip.”
Her eyes almost bug out of her head with excitement. “You are? That’s awesome. I would love that. There’s so much of the world that I want to see which I just haven’t had the chance to yet. Maybe I should do that too.”
Because I’ve been fantasizing about her for so long and I feel like I know her, my brain immediately starts imagining what it would be like if we went together. I haven’t ever thought about sharing my trip before, but with her the idea isn’t so terrifying. God I’m a freak… I still don’t even know her name. What is wrong with me? That’s a question I seem to be asking myself over and over again. It’s unhealthy.<
br />
“Well, we’re only here once, aren’t we? We should enjoy it while we can.”
She gives me a knowing look as if she understands me. Then she holds out her hand for me to shake it. “I’m Tamara, by the way. Sorry I’ve been a crazy fool and just come to talk to you without saying hi.”
“It’s okay.” We both know why she’s saying that! “I’m Logan, nice to meet you.”
As she grasps my hand I feel a bolt of electricity racing right through my system. It hits me hard and knocks me sideways. I feel more powerfully attracted to her than I ever have anyone else before. This is bad. I’m never going to be able to get over her now. It’s shaken me deeply. Maybe if the bad meeting hadn’t come before I would be asking her out on a date right now. Just because I want to know where this could go.
“So, Logan, where do you need to get off? I still have three more stops.”
I glance at my watch, making the decision to be five minutes late. I’m never normally late so any excuse I can give will fly. It’ll be fine. “Yep, three more stops for me as well.”
Her face breaks out into the biggest grin, making me smirk. Today is going to be a really good day, work will not be able to bother me after this. I’m the happiest that I’ve been in a very long time. I can feel it buzzing and bolting around me, encasing me in a wonderful warmth.
“Great, so I’ve been talking a lot about me, Logan, so why don’t you tell me about your day? Take my mind off what’s happening to me. I want to know all about you.”
6
Tamara
“Oh right!” He actually looks surprised by my interest which makes me giggle. He seems like such a sweetie. Honestly, I really do like him a lot. I could tell that from the other side of the train which is why I came over to speak to him. Ever since the doctor told me that I could have died had I hit my head harder, I’ve decided to be bolder, to just go with the flow and to make things happen for me. Carpe diem and all that.