by Mia Ford
“It’s going to be fine,” I reassure him while curling my fingers around his arm. “Don’t panic.”
“Oh, I know I shouldn’t, I’m sorry.” He shakes his head emphatically. “Sorry, I keep telling myself that, I know I shouldn’t get…” He laces his fingers through mine. “I’m just so scared of you going through all that pain. And I’ll be useless, that’s the worst part, I will be standing there unable to help you through any of it.”
“You’ll be there. That’s the main thing. You will be by my side.” I kiss him on the cheek. “Plus, you can make sure the doctors give me plenty of drugs to get me through. That’s hugely important.”
He leans his head closer towards me and kisses me harder. The feel of his lips against mine gets my heart racing faster and it comforts me for just a moment. It feels nice to have this second just for us before…
“Oh my God.” I jump away as if I’ve been burned as I feel a strange tickling sensation running down my leg. “That’s my waters.” This is happening far quicker than I thought it would. Now I’m panicked too. “Help me.”
“Are you sure you haven’t just wet yourself?” Logan unhelpfully asks. “Bladder control and all that…”
“No, it definitely isn’t that. There was like a popping sensation before it happened. It’s my waters.”
Logan’s face pales and he reaches down to grab my hospital bag. “Right, well we need to get going then, and fast. We need to get to the hospital now. I’m going to run every red light to get there.”
I want to tell him not to because it isn’t safe but the words don’t quite meet my lips. I’m panicked now, my head is spinning, the reality is all too much. I’m about to go through hours of agony which squeezing out two human lives. How the hell is this only just hitting me now? I want it to be over.
But then, when it’s over the real hard work begins. That’s when I have to be responsible for two human lives, I’ll have to work out when to feed them and change them and care for them… am I cut out for this?
“Come on.” Logan takes my hand and sits me beside him. “It’s going to be okay.”
His words calm me, but only a little. I still do as he commands, mostly because I have no choice. I get into the car and watch as the world passes me by much too quickly, trying to distract myself from the sheer agony rolling through my body. Logan must be speeding but I’m not in a position to scold him for that. I just need to focus on chilling myself out before the babies get here. There’s no point in worrying if I can do this, I’m too late for that. I’ll just have to hope that some natural instinct kicks in and it all just works out. That’s possible, right?
I don’t know why I was so worried, that stress was all for nothing. In that moment I seemed to forget that I’m not in this alone and I have someone to rely on when things get tough. Logan is a natural he’s already proven himself to be a very capable father. I think he got all of his stress out the way when I was pregnant, so now he’s just chilled out. He hasn’t panicked once over the last few days which is amazing.
“We’re going to have to pick names soon,” he tells me while snuggling our little boy. “Or they won’t let you out of here. Plus, I don’t think baby girl and baby boy can last forever. They won’t like it.”
“No, I know. You’re right.” I hold baby girl closer to me. “But what? We haven’t even talked about it yet.”
We discussed that we wouldn’t pick names until they were born because we wanted to get a look at our children first to see if the names would suit them but we’ve been so busy since they’ve been born that we just haven’t had time. The twins don’t seem want to sleep at the same time which is a nightmare.
“I had a great idea, but I want to run it by you first.” I tilt my head up to look at him. “I was thinking that we could name them after places we’ve been, as a reminder of our awesome travels.”
I nod enthusiastically. “Yeah, I actually really love that idea. What do you have in mind?”
“I thought baby girl could be India, and baby boy could by Sydney?”
I let those names wash over me for a few moments, along with the amazing memories that we had in those places. “Yeah, I think that could work really well. I like them both. And of course, they will have your surname since we’re going to get married soon.” I give him a smile. “We can start planning that now… actually not now. Let’s give it a bit of time to get used to all of this nightmare first.”
“Ooh, I can’t wait for you to be my wife. That’s going to be lovely.”
I glance my eyes towards the clock. “Okay, so it’s been ages since the doctor said he’ll make a decision about me going home. Do you think you can go and hurry him along? I want to get out of here, I’m so desperate to get back home. Plus, our babies have names now, so what can they say?”
“Okay, sure, let me put baby boy, I mean, Sydney, down.”
“No, no, give him to me. I want to hold them both.”
It isn’t easy, but I slide India to one side and make room for Sydney. Once Logan is satisfied that I have them both safely, he leaves to go and get me some help. I am pretty desperate to escape the bright white clinical place. I’m grateful for it, it gave me my babies, but I’m done now, I want to be back in my house. Me and Logan didn’t spend all of that time creating the most incredible nursery for us to stay here.
“Well, India and Sydney.” I look at them both, seeing a lot of myself in Sydney and a lot of Logan in India. “Hopefully, if things go to plan we’ll be at your home soon. You can finally see where you’re going to life. It’s a place we brought with the two of you in mind so I hope you like it. It’s a house filled with love too.”
All of a sudden, I’m overcome with emotion and a tear slides down my cheek. It’s a happy cry though, I’m utterly thrilled right now. This is the calmest and the happiest that I’ve ever been. Way back when, before I met Logan, I was floating through life, I barely knew what I was doing. I was more miserable than I ever allowed myself to believe. Now I’m settled, I feel like I have it all. This is the life I didn’t know I wanted.
“Your dad is an awesome man, just the best, you’re going to be very lucky growing up with him. And obviously, I’ll do my best as well. I don’t know if I can be as good as him, but I’ll try.” I smile, inhaling that new baby smell. “I just want you both to know that I’m already so in love with you that it’s incredible. The love I feel for you both is boundless. You’ve touched a place in my heart that I didn’t even know existed.”
I get myself so worked up that I can barely speak anymore, the tears are racing down my face. I chuckle through the tears, knowing that I’m a wreck. Luckily the door swings open and Logan comes back before I can act like a massive idiot in front of my kids even more.
“Oh my God.” He rushes to the bed panicked and ready to grab the twins from me. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, I’m fine, just an emotional wreck.” I laugh and hiccup a bit. “You know I can’t control the tears at the moment. It’s hardly my fault, I just gave birth, don’t you forget! What did the doctor say?”
“Your discharge papers are being written up as we speak. You’ll be at home before you know it. And as if I can forget, I’ll always be grateful to you for that. It was insane.”
I don’t even need to ask really, but I do it anyway. “Are Alistair and Katherine already there?”
“You know they are. They want to spend some time with the babies. I can’t get rid of them.”
I’m hardly surprised, but I am glad. It’s good to have this extended family now, I love having those two around for everything.
31
Logan
“I’m off to the office,” Tamara calls out to me with a happy lilt in her tone. She clips earrings into her lobes which complete her seriously smart outfit. She truly looks the part of a manager, which now she is. She’s suited to this role more than I think she knows. I hope she eventually comes to believe in herself as much as I do. “Will you be okay with
the twins while I’m there? It should only be for the morning and Katherine said she’ll pop in…”
“I’m fine.” I roll my eyes at her. “I have had the twins before by myself, you know. They’re sleeping anyway.”
“Thank goodness they finally started to match with that, I didn’t think it would ever happen.”
“We can laugh about it now, but the tiredness was real. It was hardcore. I don’t know if I can ever do it again.”
“I’m not even thinking about doing it again right now, so put that idea from your mind. The twins are plenty for me, and I think they are for you as well.” She laughs. “I can’t consider a football team yet.”
“No, you’re right.” I glance over to the cots. “They are perfect for us right now. This little family is awesome.”
I’ve had the babies a lot actually, which is of course awesome, I love them to bits and I’m so grateful that I’ve had so much time in their early months to bond with them, but watching Tamara grow and flourish makes me want something more too. I’ve had temp jobs, just things to get us by which work with our life style, but now… now I want something else. I want something that makes me feel the way that her charity does her.
“You don’t worry about any of us, you just focus on the people you’re helping.”
It took me aback at first, the idea of Tamara wanting to start a charity to help people suffering from amnesia and memory issues sounded a little too hard to digest, I thought it might be a challenge too far, but the more she explained her vision to me, the more I got it. She suffered with anxiety and depression as she tried to work through it all and I think it would’ve been better if she wasn’t alone. That’s what she wants to create, a place where people understand. There are going to be faces involved who have been through it too.
The website will be a massive part of this and she’s already reaching out and finding people all over the world who want to help. People who will be a remote assistance from afar. At least, for now. I think this might grow very fast and it’ll soon become a much needed non-profit organization which the world needs.
Tamara is going to be important, and I want that too. Or maybe not important as such, I don’t know if I have that within me, but I want to be useful. I want to share my passion with the world, which is where a little idea is forming in the back of my brain, something that might become my dream. I will share it with Tamara but I want to be certain before I do. I wan to have everything set in place.
“Okay, well thank you.” She smiles and kisses me. “I do appreciate it, let me know if you need anything. I’ll have my cell phone with me all the time and I can be back in an instant if needs be.”
“Don’t worry about it, I’m going to be just fine. I’ll see you later on, okay?”
Once Tamara leaves I let out a deep breath and I pick up a few of the toys scattered around the floor. The house definitely doesn’t look like it did when we first moved in, there’s more mess and less of our stuff than the kids, and I’m sure that will only get worse as they grow older, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
“Knock, knock. Can I come in?”
“Yep.” I grin, glad that he’s right on time for a change. “Come through, Al. How’ve you been?”
“I’ve been all good.” His expression matches his words, he really does look happy. “How about you? I’m very excited to learn all about this investment opportunity you’ve lured me over here with.”
“It isn’t an investment thing. I don’t want your money, I just want you to hear about it.”
“And if it sounds good enough, I’ll invest. I want to help you build your company.” He takes a seat. “And if it sounds like it sucks, then I’ll tell you as much. So, come on… wow me.”
I part my lips, just about ready to speak but before I can one of the twins starts crying. It’s India and I know what she’s like, once she starts she’ll howl until she’s lifted from her bed. She isn’t as laid back as her brother. She’ll wake him up too if she carries on. I might be able to get through this with one baby but not two.
“Hold on, let me just get India. I’ll talk to you about it then.”
I grab her up, shushing her until that adorable little smile returns to her face then I move back to Al. He extends his arms, wanting to hold her which is something I never thought would happen. He loves the babies more than I could have ever hoped for. It seems that he really is softening up over time, it’s kinda sweet actually.
“Right.” He cuddles India closer to him. “Let’s hear all about it.”
“Well, actually, what I’ve found is a way to make all of my research that I’ve done in the past useful, it’s something that I’m passionate about and something I know that I can do well. I know tips and tricks, hacks to make it cheaper and ways to make it fun. I basically want to give people the same experiences that I had.” Al looks at me expectantly, not quite getting it. “I want to start a travel company…”
I wait expectantly, but it takes a little while for Al to say anything at all. During which time the panic in my body intensifies. I thought I had this all worked out, I assumed this was the perfect plan, but now I’m doubting myself completely. This is something that people want, isn’t it? I would have liked it when it was me.
“That… is brilliant!” Al’s face lights up. “I think you’ll be amazing at that. I’m in.”
“You’re in?” I furrow my eyebrows. “What do you mean? I just wanted you to read through my business plan and give me some tips on how to make it better. I haven’t even showed it to you, yet.”
“I know. And I want to see it, of course I do, but I want to invest.”
“No, no, I’m not asking that of you, I refuse to.”
“I’m not waiting for your permission. I can afford to invest and I want to. I need to do this. I think you might need me too because I’ll know more about certain things than you. Let me do this for you.”
I nod because I can see how much this means to him. He really does seem to want to help me which is far more than I ever could have asked for. “Thank you so much, that means everything to me.”
“Well, we have something more important to discuss now, don’t we?” His knowing look confuses me. “You and Tamara. When the hell is this wedding going to happen because I have a killer bachelor party up my sleeve and I’m dying to get on with it. Honestly, the longer you take, the more this is killing me.”
“I don’t want a bachelor party or anything like that. I don’t need a big fuss…”
“Mate, as your best man I am going to have to insist that you don’t take this pleasure away from me. The bachelor party will be the best event of the year and a way to celebrate your babies too. It has to happen.”
I laugh loudly. “Okay, fair enough. If it means that much to you, we’ll do it.”
“Don’t act like it’s a chore. Trust me, it’s going to be epic. A night to be remembered.”
“Right, well I suppose with that in mind, I better get a move on with the wedding then.”
“Yeah, that’s my point. Me and Katherine are pulling our hair out waiting for it.”
“You and Katherine?” I laugh suggestively. “So, you two are getting along now?”
He rolls his eyes. “We’ve spent so long having to get along for you two, it’s just easier now.”
“Okay, well in celebration of that, me and Tamara will get married as soon as possible.”
As if he can sense his sister now out of the bed, Sydney then begins fussing which takes my focus off of Al for the moment. But as I go to lift him from cot I do consider his words. It is time to stop life getting in the way and for us to finally tie that knot. Now I just need to find the perfect place for it.
“Where are we going?” Tamara giggles as I lead her with my hands covering her eyes. “What’s happening?”
“Will you just be patient already? You’re going to ruin it in a moment.”
I walk her a few steps more, position her so she’s facing it perfe
ctly, then I peel my fingers away one by one, amping up the anticipation as I do so. My heart races and I get a tingling sensation in the pit of my stomach while I wait to see what she thinks about this, it’s taken lots of planning and I hope it’ll pay off…
“Ooh, this is nice. I like it here.” Her eyes run carefully over the river and the little gazebo at the end. The white flowers decorating it might be a bit much, but we don’t necessarily have to have that for us. We can lay it out however we want, that’s the best part of it. “But why are we here? What’s going on?”
“I think this is where we should get married, don’t you? It’s beautiful, simple, elegant…”
“Oh, I would love to get married here.” Her whole face lights up with joy. “Are you serious?”
“I know we haven’t talked about it for a while because we’ve both been so crazy busy, but I still want to get married. I haven’t given up on that dream at all. Do you still want to?”
“Of course I do!” She leans up and kisses me. “Oh, and I would love it to be here, I can just see it.”
“I have already spoken to them and I have a list of dates they have space, so we can book.”
“The sooner the better,” she jumps in. “I’m more than ready to be your wife now.”
“Good, because I feel the same way.” I hold her close and grin. “Oh, and I have something else to share with you as well, some more good news. I was going to tell you when we got back home but it might as well be now. I’m going to start my own travel company. Al is on board with it already.”
“Oh, my goodness, are you serious?” she gushes with joy. “I’m so happy for you. Just think, I’ll have my charity, you’ll have your super successful business, we’ll have the kids, and soon we’ll be married. We’re actually going to have it all.”
Intense love flows through me as we kiss intensely. A love so strong which only grows every single day. But soon, I’m forced to pull away.