by Scott Blum
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“Tamlin.”
“Tamlin, you don’t need to be scared. Do you want to surround yourself with white light like me?”
“Uh-huh.”
“The secret is that it’s already inside you. Think good thoughts, and remember the love of your parents. They still care about you and want you to be happy.” I didn’t know where my words were coming from, but as I let them flow, they seemed to comfort him.
Slowly, a small glowing white light began to flicker inside of Tamlin’s soul. It was smaller than a grain of sand at first, but gradually got bigger. Instinctively, I reached in and gently coaxed the light until it became bright enough to surround him. His soul began to feel lighter and happier until much of his sadness had faded. Within seconds, his parents appeared from the crowd and embraced him.
“Where have you been?” asked the young boy, his soul emanating both anger and elation.
“We’ve been looking for you everywhere,” said his mother. “You were always a beacon of light on Earth, but here we couldn’t find you although we knew you were here somewhere. As soon as we saw your light a few moments ago, we knew we’d finally found you.”
“I don’t think I’m needed here anymore.” My great-grandfather smiled as he began to fade away. “Call out if you need me.”
I spent more and more time in the spirit world and helped as many souls as I could. It seemed very natural to me, and I felt that I was doing what I was born to do. I was bringing many souls joy and happiness, and I could tell that I was genuinely making a difference. It was an immensely powerful experience, and every time I returned, there would be more and more damaged souls waiting to be healed. I had finally found my soul’s purpose, and it was extremely rewarding to be able to do something so meaningful.
Occasionally I would catch a glimpse of Cheryl, but she kept her distance and simply waved. It was nice seeing her again, but I wasn’t obsessed like I’d been previously. I was content to let her be, and knew that she would approach me when she was ready. And as I spent more time in my unconscious world, I began to recognize a little girl who was often near the edge of the cliff to the spirit world. She had a familiar energy, but I couldn’t remember where she might be from.
After a while, I began to look forward to seeing her, and we both traded smiles whenever we saw each other. At first I wasn’t sure if she was dark or light because of how powerful her energy was, but as the days progressed, I could sense that she was friendly. Finally, I worked up the courage to ask her who she was.
“Hi,” I finally greeted her.
“Hello,” she said matter-of-factly.
“Who are you?”
“My name is Autumn. I am your daughter.”
With that, she giggled playfully and right before my eyes turned into a bright blue dragonfly and hovered a few inches from my nose.
“You’re my daughter?!” I exclaimed while staring dumbfounded into the eyes of the dragonfly.
And over the fluttering of her translucent wings, I heard her giggle once more as she darted away in a blur.
CHAPTER TWELVE
After I first spoke with Autumn, my mind filled with dozens of questions, like: When is she going to be born? How long has she been waiting for me? and more important, If I am her father, who is her mother?
I saw her a few more times in my dreamland, but more and more I would sense her presence when I briefly returned to consciousness for food, water, and bathroom breaks. It was as if she was preparing to be born and wanted to begin exploring what the physical plane was all about.
One evening when I uncharacteristically spent the entire night on Earth, I sat outside on my back porch and watched the moon rise and cast some of the most beautiful shadows I had ever seen onto the trees of my backyard. After it had fully revealed itself, I could sense the familiar feeling of Autumn nearby. When I looked around, I saw that the moonlight and shadows had coalesced into the shape of a giant bunny within the twisted branches of the large plum tree.
“Autumn?” I asked aloud. “Is that you?”
The ears of the rabbit began moving as if they were waving to me, and just when I was about to write it off as my imagination playing tricks on me, I noticed that the air was as still as could be. There wasn’t even a light breeze in the warm summer air, and all the surrounding branches were completely motionless as the bunny ears continued to wave.
My stomach filled with the giddiness of a thousand butterflies, and I watched the dancing bunny in the branches of the plum tree for nearly half an hour. When my attention began to wane, Autumn sensed my distraction and instantly morphed into a graceful swan that appeared to float on the reflection of the silver moonlight. She then choreographed an intricate production of various animals dancing in the tree one after another for the next several hours. Swans transformed into giraffes. Giraffes turned into polar bears. Polar bears into chickens. Chickens into cats. I was impressed by her creativity and ingenuity, but it was her playfulness and genuine innocence that captured my heart.
By then, the more time I spent in the spirit world, the less food I seemed to need. But even with my limited meals, I had finally run out of brown rice and red tea. For the first time since I’d begun spending time in the spirit world, I needed to reenter the physical one to replenish my supplies. Although I was definitely nervous about coming into contact with other people again, I was excited to share my news with Robert and was hoping to get his perspective on Autumn. After I prepared mentally, I instinctively put on a long-sleeved shirt, a hat, and sunglasses to protect myself from the outside world and ventured back to the Co-op. This time I knew for sure that Robert would be there and wondered if his sign would give me any answers.
Without saying hello, I walked right up to him and read his new sign aloud.
There are no straight lines in nature.
“Be honest,” I joked. “You make those signs for me, don’t you?”
“Of course not.” Out the corner of my eye, I thought I saw Robert wink at Puppy Don. “You’ll know when a sign is meant for you.”
“How do you come up with all those sayings?”
“They are given to me by those who need to be heard. And I record them for those who need to hear. And sometimes they’re the same person.”
“I see.” I wondered silently if he ever wrote anything I had said. Then I recounted my recent adventures in the hopes that he had some insight.
“So you finally met Autumn?” Robert asked after I finished. “What did you think about her?”
“She’s quite playful!”
“Yes, she is that.” He laughed.
“You know her?”
“I met her during your soul retrieval.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t think you could have handled me telling you about your unborn daughter then. You already had a pretty full day.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“It looks like you’ve spent a lot of time on the other side, haven’t you?”
“True. How did you know that?”
“Because you’re entirely out of your body right now. At least two feet above and one foot to the left. You need to try to stay grounded while you’re on Earth or you won’t have a choice.”
“A choice of what?”
“Of where you live. Do you want to live on this planet or the spirit plane?”
“Why do I have to choose? Can’t I just continue to visit?”
“I think you’ve been more than visiting, haven’t you?”
“I just feel so powerful when I’m there. And I’m definitely helping many souls heal. My life seems so much more meaningful in the spirit world. It’s as if I was made to heal others.”
“Yes, you do have a gift. But it will always be with you. Living on this planet is also a gift, and you have a lot to do here as well. It’s your choice, and you’re lucky enough to have another chance to decide.”
“You mean it’s not the
first time I’ve had to choose?”
“Everyone is faced with the same choice immediately after they’re born. Souls enter their human bodies in the womb, and most of the time they stay there until birth. And when they’re born, they have to decide if they’re ready to deal with the limitations of living here. The few who don’t want to be here decide to leave, and that’s what is commonly referred to as SIDS.”
“Sudden infant death syndrome?”
“Yes. It’s an ironic name since it’s nowhere near sudden. The transition itself is instantaneous, but the decision takes many weeks to make. That’s the main thing we all go through as soon as we’re born into this world: deciding if we’re ready to be limited by these bodies in order to experience life here.”
“But why would anyone want to live here? There are so many things wrong with this place. And these bodies are so limited compared to the spiritual plane.”
“Because there are many experiences and lessons that can only be had here.”
“Like what?”
“Like having children, for one.”
My thoughts returned to Autumn, and I began to wonder what it would be like to be a father. There was something deep inside me that wanted to care for her and teach her about life on this planet. Almost more than anything I’d ever wanted to do.
“Why can’t I live in both places like I have been?”
“Because your body can’t handle it. The more time you spend there, the more you’ll disregard your body, and it will eventually die. How long do you think it’s been since you left your apartment?”
“I don’t know . . . maybe a week.”
“More like three. Look at yourself. You must have lost fifteen to twenty pounds. Your spirit is hovering above your body like a helium balloon, and your pants are nearly falling to your ankles.”
“Yeah, I should probably eat more, but I don’t think it’s been three weeks.”
“Look at this,” he said as he showed me a newspaper.
The date said September 10. I was shocked. It had been nearly five weeks since I’d gone to Martika’s party. That explained the stacks of late notices and threats from utility companies that my mailbox could barely contain.
“You have to choose,” he repeated, and this time his words went right to my core.
“But what about Autumn? What would she do if I don’t stay?”
“She’ll be fine. Autumn is a powerful soul, and she’ll be okay with whatever choice you make. She has many options, so you don’t have to worry about her. This isn’t her first time here, and she knows what she’s doing. But you’ll miss out on one of the most incredible joys of the universe if you decide to leave now. Your work on the other side will remain forever, but the joy of children is a very special opportunity that doesn’t happen every day.”
“When will I meet her mother?”
“After your soul decides to stay. Now, go into the store and get yourself some food. You look like you’re about to pass out.”
I stocked up on extra brown rice and rooibos, and after waving goodbye to Robert and Puppy Don, I made the familiar journey back up the hill. When I was nearly halfway home, I noticed three dragonflies that seemed to be following me. There was something very familiar about them, especially the two that were closest to me. By then I was used to Autumn’s games, and naturally assumed she was one of them.
“So Autumn, who are your two friends?” I was used to speaking to her out loud, no matter what form she took. I stopped in the middle of the street, and the three dragonflies began circling above me. The path they followed moved closer and closer to the top of my head until it felt as if I was wearing a dragonfly crown and I was their dragonfly king. And in my heart, there was a knowing. An unspoken answer to my question that was louder than any words that could be spoken: Daddy and Mommy.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I spent the next week and a half meditating on the most important decision I’d ever have to make in this lifetime. I’d finally discovered my soul’s purpose, and found I was really good at it. But I had to decide between following my calling in the spirit world and raising my unborn daughter.
The more I meditated, the more I felt that either decision was probably the right one. I knew my work would still be waiting for me after I was done with this planet, and I also knew in my heart that Autumn would understand if I continued on my journey before having the opportunity to see her in this dimension. And although I was honored that she had chosen me, I had to do what was right for myself because I didn’t want to resent her if I decided to have a family out of obligation.
I wanted to ask Autumn what she thought I should do, but she had completely stopped visiting my dreams. I could definitely feel her presence in the physical world; however, I sensed she wanted me to reach my own conclusion.
I also tried to spend more time on Earth and take care of my body so I could make a balanced choice. It wasn’t easy eating regularly again, but most difficult was neglecting the souls that were waiting for me. I could sense them calling and knew that I could help, but I also knew that I had to decide quickly about bringing Autumn into this world.
At dusk on the day of the next full moon, my contemplation was interrupted by a knock on my front door. When I opened it, I saw a thin, monklike bald man wearing a white robe and a braided red necklace around his neck. At his feet was a black puppy that looked a lot like Robert’s companion.
“Puppy Don?” I asked.
Then I heard Robert’s distinctive voice, although it was much quieter and weaker than normal: “Yes, Scott, it’s us. Can we come in?”
My eyes followed the figure’s flowing white robe back up to his face, and I almost fell backward when I came to his eyes.
“Robert, is that you?”
“Of course it’s me—who do you think it is?”
“Your hair . . .” I stepped aside and gestured for them to come in.
“Yes, I got a haircut.”
“And a shave,” I said, underlining the obvious. “You sure look different without hair.”
When we were inside, we sat down at the table in the small dining room that separated the kitchen from the living room. After turning on the light above the table, I looked down at Puppy Don and noticed that he was wearing a braided red collar that matched Robert’s necklace. I instinctively bent down to take a closer look and recoiled when I recognized the braids from Robert’s recently departed locks.
“You made a necklace from your hair?!” My face scrunched up—I couldn’t hide my disgust.
Robert simply nodded as he proceeded to attach a thin white thread connecting his necklace to Puppy Don’s collar. Characteristically, the dog curled up at my friend’s feet and closed his eyes. In the light I could see Robert’s face much more clearly and noted that he had circles under his sunken eyes and the corners of his mouth curved downward.
“Are you all right?” I asked. “You don’t look so good.”
He replied in a soft, scratchy voice, “It looks like the disease in this body was further along than I thought”—he paused long enough to sigh a deep, heavy sigh—“and I won’t be able to use it for much longer.”
“What do you mean by that? You told me that disease was something that can be controlled at will! You told me that anyone could do it if they had the desire! What are you saying? You can’t leave now!” I was confused and angry. Robert was the only person who knew everything I was going through, and I wasn’t ready to be without him.
“You don’t even know if you’re going to stay on this planet. And if you do, you’re going to have Autumn.”
“But why can’t you just heal your body? You said you could do that.”
“I thought I could, but this one is too far gone. And besides, my work in Ashland is done. You don’t need me anymore.”
“Of course I need you! You can’t leave yet.” I knew it was pointless to beg, but I felt desperate.
“I need to ask a huge favor of you,” Robert said.
&
nbsp; “Anything,” I replied, wiping the tears from the sides of my cheeks.
“I need you to take care of Don. I made a promise to him that he would be taken care of while he was in this form.”
“But, I don’t know—”
“And if you decide to move on,” he interrupted, “Martika has already agreed to take care of him. She can’t this week because she’s gone to San Francisco for a seminar. Could you wait on your decision until she gets back?”
“Of course.” It was the least I could do after all he’d done for me.
“Thank you very much. This means a lot to both of us.” He began rummaging through his cloth bag as he continued. “I don’t mean to impose any more than I already have.” I wanted to assure him that it was no imposition, but he waved his hand to silence me. “But out of respect for Don, I need to perform a ceremony to honor the body he has lent me and celebrate the life we have both lived in it.”
I was awestruck as his words sunk in and I understood the weight of the situation. And when I looked deep into his eyes, I found something in them that I had never seen before: Gratitude. Immense gratitude. He glanced down at the sleeping puppy, and I could feel a graciousness—an indebtedness—that was more powerful than any words that could be spoken. And in a whisper that was nearly inaudible, he mouthed, “Thank you.”
I was speechless and almost forgot that I was actually there. Although I felt completely disconnected from my body, I heard my outside voice say, “Of course. Whatever you need.”
Robert smiled gently as he carefully pulled a beautiful sheet of handmade rice paper from his bag and with both hands deliberately placed it in front of him on the dining table. The veined cream-colored paper was bordered with raspberryred flowers and a dancing yellow light that shimmered on the gold-leafed stems. He brought out a long white feather that had been carved into a pointed tip on one end, and a small jar of oldfashioned black ink.