by Megan Linski
I try to lessen the pit of anxiety in my stomach. I’m going to be fried, baked and cooked by Aunt Sara when I get home. I’m already on thin ice as it is. If Soldier’s the reason that I’m not allowed to go to Hollywood when I’m this close, I’ll run him over with his own car.
High school relationships are such bullshit. First Pepper, now Soldier. It’s like they’re brainwashed.
Once we get to Dahila’s there’s a message from my uncle on my phone. He wants to know where I am. Nervously, I text, Got held up. Be home soon.
“Thank God,” Soldier says in relief as he slides back into the car. “Crisis averted.”
“For you, maybe!” I shout. “What the hell am I supposed to tell my uncle when I walk in the door at one in the morning?”
“You were running from a band of rapists and barely escaped with your life,” Soldier states. A smile crosses his lips.
“That’s not funny,” I instantly snap. It’s a little too revealing, but I don’t care. I’m so pissed.
“Geez, don’t bite my head off. Calm down, pre-Madonna,” he says.. He checks his gages and says, “I need gas. Let’s pull in here.”
“Soldier…” I whine as he turns into a gas station. He turns his car off and says, “Come on man, you’re already going to be in trouble. I can’t get you home if I run out of fuel.”
He’s right. I’m already going to get grounded once I walk in my door. I guess I might as well enjoy the freedom I still have.
As the car is filling up, Soldier reaches into the dashboard and pulls out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes.
“Soldier, you know I hate when you do that. Don’t smoke in the car,” I say.
He ignores me. I shake my head— he notices.
“For crying out loud, Raz, you sound like my mom. I’m not Bethany!” he shouts. “You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Cancer sticks,” I spit. I lean my head against the window. I feel like a freaking prisoner.
He clicks the lighter to ignite the cigarette. The flame shoots up, nearly setting the car roof on fire.
“Turn it off!” I scream, leaning away from the flame. I really am going to die in here, because this asshole is going to kill me.
He clicks the lighter and says, “Bit too much fluid in there. Well, now that we’ve nearly died tonight in a blazing inferno…”
Seeing the look on my face, he adds, “I need to smoke, Raz. My family’s really starting to hate me. First thing I heard this morning when I got up is screaming outside my bedroom door. It helps to stop the stress.”
“I know you don’t want to go home, but if I stay out much longer I’m going to get skinned,” I tell him.
He takes a hit. “I don’t see why you’d get in trouble. I mean, you’re a pretty good kid.”
“You guys don’t get it,” I say. “My aunt and uncle are really on my ass lately.”
“Look on the bright side. At least you didn’t get burnt to a crisp,” he jokes.
I want to laugh along with him, but I don’t. I’ve got a sour taste in my mouth.
Chapter 4 - Pepper’s Replacement
The weekend can’t go by fast enough for me. Tuesday’s the day I’m supposed to leave for Hollywood, and with everything going on, I can’t wait to get out of here.
“When I heard that Soldier got you home late Friday night I thought for sure your aunt and uncle were going to cancel the trip,” Puppy says as we head down to lunch together on Monday.
“They didn’t. They just gave me another lecture,” I say, shrugging.
“About what?”
Choosing better friends. I shrug. “Usual stuff.”
“Too bad all of you couldn’t come along to Hollywood,” Puppy says as we sit at our table. He eyes drift over to Pepper. I can tell that even though Puppy’s still mad, she’s trying to make up.
“I’m going into the army, I don’t have time. My recruiter is supposed to call me tonight,” Soldier informs us.
“Will you still be here when we get back?” I ask, worried.
“Oh, yeah. I’ve got at least six months before boot camp. I’ve just got to prepare, work out and stuff,” he says.
“I’m going to be playing piano for the theatre down the road during the summer, and helping out with the orchestra. I’ll be busy,” Zoar adds.
“What about you, Pepper?” Puppy asks in her kindest voice. It doesn’t sound real, coming from her.
Pepper has her batches of homework spread all across the table, making it so none of us have any room to eat. “I’ve got a science program at the university that I want to participate in this summer. I could get my tuition paid for if I play my cards right. I don’t have time to be chasing a long shot,” Pepper says coldly.
This cuts across me deeply, and everyone knows it. Puppy goes to speak up, but before she can, I say, “You know, if you don’t like sitting here, you can move.”
“Gladly.” As if she’s been excused from some giant obligation, Pepper gathers her things and moves to the ‘good girls’ group a few tables away.
Silence. “Wow, Raz, I’ve never seen you snap like that,” Soldier says in surprise.
“I have my moments. Who does she think she is anyway? For crying out loud, we’re her friends.” I cross my arms and lean my chair back on its hind legs, irritated.
I know my chances of becoming a successful actor are one-in-a-million. But I worked all year on getting the courage to believe in myself. I don’t care if it’s a long shot— if I have a chance, I’ll take it.
“Do you guys mind if I sit here?” a cheerful voice asks. I look behind me to see Maymee carrying a small salad. She gives me a hopeful smile.
“Go ahead,” I say. I move aside make more room. “Everyone’s allowed here!”
“Yeah, jump right in,” Puppy says grumpily. I nearly fall out of my chair. “Rather have you than her, anyway.” She jerks her thumb in Pepper’s direction.
“Did something happen?” Maymee asks, looking that way.
“Nothing out of the ordinary,” Zoar adds dully.
“Thanks.” As she sits, she adjusts her skirt. I notice Soldier tries to glance at her panties. It pisses me off.
When he’s done trying to catch a glimpse of her ass, Soldier says, “Aren’t your friends over at the popular table going to miss you?”
Maymee blushes. “Oh, no, I usually eat in the library. More uh… quiet. But I saw your table wasn’t full today so I wanted to join. I hope you don’t mind.”
“I hope you know that in order to become one of us you have to be hated by the entire student body,” Puppy says.
“Nobody hates you, you guys are awesome!” Maymee exclaims. “They can’t forget the movie you guys made.”
“You’d be surprised how quickly they can,” Zoar says, and he tentatively takes a bite of his sandwich. “It’s weird, but everybody used to be our friend up until a couple of months ago. Now they all avoid us. Not even Perry or Ola comes over to talk anymore.”
I look away, feeling guilty. I know why everybody hates us. All of the people who helped me make the movie got really mad when they found out I lied to them. They figured me coming up with the movie idea was some scam. They thought I was using them to try and get famous, when really, all I was trying to do was make friends.
Puppy, Soldier, Zoar, and Pepper were the only ones who had stuck by me, and now the school’s punishing them for it.
“You guys shouldn’t worry. They’re just jealous,” Maymee gushes.
We all look at each other and Puppy asks, “Of… what?”
“Dude, look, I can touch my nose with my tongue finally!” Soldier exclaims, demonstrating to all of us.
“We’re such a talented group, why wouldn’t they be jealous?” I say with just a touch of sarcasm.
“Uh… are you guys going to the bonfire tonight?” Maymee asks, quickly changing the topic. “It’ll be fun. There’s going to be a keg.”
“I’m not,” I told her. “I’m leaving for Hol
lywood tomorrow.”
“Me too,” Puppy said, her eyes locking defensively on Maymee’s. “We’re going together.”
The way she says together both pleases and worries me.
“But what about end of year exams?” Maymee says.
“We already took them. Today’s our last day of school before we’re out for summer,” I say.
“Yeah, and then it’s senior year!” Zoar adds in excitement. “We’ll be kings of the school!”
“You know it!” I lean over to high-five Zoar across the table but lose my balance. I fall over and land in a cup of ranch dressing. The package that its in squirts and heads for Puppy, who catches it in the face.
“Agh, my eye!” she screams. She gets up and runs to the bathroom with one hand over her face.
I get up off the table. Nice going, Raz. That really impressed her, blinding her with a freaking condiment.
“Yay, Raz, you eliminated a ton of calories! I can never resist the dressing they give me, even though I don’t want it. Thanks!” Maymee claps her hands together and bounces in her seat.
“Why?” I say. I wipe off the dressing with a spare napkin. “Why is it always me?”
“Because you’re a klutz. Here.” Soldier gets up, takes off his hoodie, and throws it to me. “Give it back before you leave.”
“Sure.” The thing is huge on me, but whatever.
“Does anybody want my tomatoes? I don’t like them,” Maymee offers to the table.
“I’ll eat them,” Zoar offers, and he holds out his hand.
“Zoar’s our human garbage disposal,” I inform her, laughing. “He eats everything.”
“Mine! Throw one to me!” Soldier cries. He opens his mouth wide. Zoar pitches one to him and he catches it in his mouth skillfully, raising his hands in the air. “Goal!”
“I like her. She gives us free food,” Zoar says randomly as he stuffs the tomatoes in his mouth.
“Me too. She can join,” Soldier mumbles through a cluttered mouth. “She can even replace Pepper.”
“Does this mean I’m part of the group?” Maymee asks, eyes wide and begging.
I hesitate. I didn’t know this was a democratic thing. “Um. Sure. As long as Puppy says yes, I guess.”
“Puppy.” Maymee says, just as a statement.
I sigh, looking down. “Puppy.”
“I know what to do. I’ll go help her in the bathroom. Her eye probably hurts. She could use a little makeup to soften the redness.” Maymee stands up and grabs the tiny bag that she always carries on her arm.
“Aren’t you going to finish your food?” I say, looking at her untouched salad.
“It’s more important to help her. You guys can have it,” she says. She waves as she and her five inch high heels click away.
Soldier grabs her salad, puts two croutons between his lips, and says, “Ghuys, ghuys… whf am I???”
Chapter 5 - Disillusioned
The morning we leave for Hollywood I run full speed through the house, trying to grab everything I’m going to need. I stuff them into my suitcase and trip down the stairs as I rush past my uncle.
“For crying out loud, Raz, slow down! It’s not a race,” he says as I nearly knock him over.
“I can’t help it, this is awesome! I’m going to Hollywood!” I exclaim.
I speed out the door, throw my bag carelessly into the trunk of the car and hop into the back seat. I wait five minutes before Aunt Sara and Mitzy come out. They’re taking forever!
“You guys are taking too long, we have to go now!” I insist, starting to twitch.
Aunt Sara rolls her eyes. “Raz, grow up.”
“I refuse to grow up!” I proclaim, and I raise a hand triumphantly in the air.
“That’s precisely your problem. Settle down, or we’ll make you run to the airport.”
I probably could. I feel energized enough. Finally Uncle Logan gets in the drivers seat. We’re on the road, leaving all the BS behind.
“About time,” I mumble. I slap my sunglasses in front of my eyes and lean back, feeling like a star already.
Once we hit the highway and we’re about ten minutes from the airport, my phone rings. My stomach drops to the floor as I recognize the number.
“It’s Mom,” I say.
“You should probably answer,” Uncle Logan says, glancing in the rearview mirror at me.
“Do I have to?” I groan.
“I won’t make you,” he says, and he keeps his eyes forward.
Reluctantly, I answer. “Hi, Mom.”
“Hello, Mildfreud,” she says cheerfully. A bad taste enters my mouth.“Are you leaving now?”
“Yeah, we’re on our way to the airport. I can’t wait.” I don’t tell her to call me Raz. She never will.
“Too bad your father and I couldn’t come. It might’ve been a good experience for us as a family.”
“Maybe that isn’t such a good idea,” I say absentmindedly. I’m already far away from the conversation.
“Are you still upset over what happened at Christmas?” Mom says, trying to sound sympathetic but coming across as calculating.
“A bit.”
“Don’t be. I know the holidays didn’t go as you wanted them to.”
That’s an understatement. Christmas had been nothing short of a disaster for all of us. To try and mold me into a reformed citizen and ‘eliminate my reckless behavior,’ as Dad had said, my parents had wanted to put me into boarding school.
According to him (and Mom, though she tried to play good cop) my aunt and uncle were raising me irresponsibly and it was their job to put an end to it before I became a die-hard criminal. I spent Winter Break arguing with them and being pulled on by both sides.
Eventually, my parents let me make the decision. I chose to say with my aunt and uncle, and Mom’s called twice since. I haven’t heard from Dad at all.
I didn’t tell them about how I’d been raped. I couldn’t imagine how well that would go over— if they even believed me.
“It’s in the past,” I rattle off randomly. “I forgot about it.” I’ll tell her whatever she wants to hear.
“You’re going to look at a college, right? That’s what this trip is for?”
This is how in touch with me she is. “No, Mom, I already told you. I’m going to Hollywood because I want to be an actor.”
“You’re still stuck on that? I thought you grew out of that years ago,” she adds with a sigh. “I think you’d be better off with something more stable. If you really want to go into the movie industry, you should try being an executive, or a manager. It’ll be more secure for your future.”
It takes everything I have to force down what I really want to say. “Maybe.”
“Well, don’t chase fantasies for too long, dear. They won’t get you too far,” she says. An image of Pepper pops into my head. “You know I worry about you.”
“Really.” How can they worry about me when they hardly ever call?
“You’ve never been the brightest, dear, and with your… disorder… it’ll be hard for you to find a good job. It’s too bad you didn’t take after your father.”
“Does Dad want to talk to me?” I ask, hoping that he does and that he doesn’t at the same time.
“He’s very busy right now, but he’ll call you later,” Mom promises.
Dad always says he’ll call back later, but I can’t remember the last time he ever did. Over the last year I think me and Dad have said about twenty words to each other.
“I’m getting tired of him blowing me off, Mom,” I say.
“What are you talking about? Your father always wants to talk to you,” she soothes.
I bite my tongue. “Yeah. Right.” My eyes scan everything we’re passing by blankly… the trees… the road signs… the billboards. “Hey Mom, I’ve gotta go, we’re uh… entering a tunnel.”
She buys my lame excuse a bit too easily. “All right, I’ll let you go, then. Stay safe, and make good choices!”
; “I will.” I hang up, relieved that the conversation’s over, yet sad that it’s not what I wanted it to be. It probably never will be.
“I know they’re not perfect, Raz, but they love you,” Uncle Logan says.
I roll down my window. “If you think so.”
Puppy and her parents are waiting in the A wing of the airport.
“We hope you all ate before you left,” Puppy’s mother says to me politely, though her cold gaze is eyeing me. “The prices to eat when you get there will be ridiculous.”
“We just ate in the cafeteria down the way. Raz won’t need anything until dinner tonight,” Aunt Sara tells her.
Puppy drags me away from her overbearing parents, thankfully. “You excited?” she asks. She knows how much this means to me.
“I’m gonna piss my pants before we even get there, Pup. I never thought this day would come!” I exclaim.
“Don’t sit by me then!” She laughs.
“I will, then you can feel how warm I am inside.” I beam. Such a corny joke.
“That’s… lovely,” she says, making a disgusted face.
“When do we get on the plane?”
“There’s about half an hour left. Relax, Razzle Dazzle. You’ll be famous soon enough.”
When they finally call us to board, I give Aunt Sara and Mitzy a quick hug goodbye.
“Be good, Raz,” Uncle Logan says sternly. “Don’t get into any trouble.”
“I won’t,” I promise. I have to be on my best behavior on this trip. Puppy and I are going alone, and I know her parents already hate me. If I’m going to change their minds about me, I have to show them I’m not a bad influence.
Puppy and I sit together by the window. It seems to take forever for the plane to rise into the air, but once we do, I feel a whirl of exhilaration and freedom. Flying is amazing.
But not for everyone, I guess. Puppy is clutching the armrest like a cat.
“Do you need a bag?” I ask, concerned that she’s going to vomit on me.
“I don’t like flying much,” she says, pale.
“Are you sure you’ll be fine?”
“I just have to get my mind off of it.” She reaches into her carry-on and takes out a Hollywood gossip magazine for teens. It’s got a pink border and kissing quizzes.