by Megan Linski
“I like going to graveyards,” she says, in sort of a stupor. “No matter who you are, rich or poor, famous or a nobody, everybody ends up in the same place. There are no differences. Nobody judges you here— we’re all the same.”
“Are you afraid to be judged?” I rock back and forth on my heels, waiting for her answer.
She swallows. “Sometimes I wonder why I like makeup so much. I learned that because behind it, you can hide.”
I think about her ex-boyfriend hitting her across the face and my stomach clenches. “You didn’t have to put up with that, you know,” I tell her. “You were always worth more.”
She avoids acknowledging I said anything, which is fine. There are things I avoid talking about, too.
“Why do you want to be an actor, Raz?” Her hair swings as she looks at me. “I don’t think you’ve ever told me.”
I try to scrounge for an answer, but come up with nothing. “I don’t know why I like acting. I just… do.”
She’s still staring at the headstones. I notice that, like me, she can never really look people in the eye. She avoids it.
I have to wonder why.
“We should go,” she says. “You don’t look so good.”
“No it’s fine, we can stay,” I say quickly. I don’t want to offend her, but I think I’m going to be sick if I stay here much longer.
Maymee sighs. “You don’t want to be here. I can tell.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“I’m sorry I brought you here. It’s just that…” she hesitates. “I don’t have a lot of friends these days. I’m starting to wonder if it’s for a reason.”
“You’re not a bad person, Maymee.”
“We started talking because I got put into detention for being too much of a slut. That takes talent.”
“You’re not a slut,” I say. I step closer to her. “And I was in detention too. For blowing off Goose.”
“That wasn’t a big deal. I’ve been with a lot of guys, Raz. It’s a miracle I haven’t gotten pregnant or caught an STD by now.” I can notice tears starting to brim in her eyes. “And none of the relationships I’ve been in have lasted. They used me to get what they wanted, told me whatever I wanted to hear, then left me.” Her voice starts to wobble.
I put my hand on her shoulder. “It doesn’t matter, Maymee. I just want you to be okay. We’ve all made mistakes.” I hesitate. “I know what it’s like to be in danger of getting an STD, too.”
“You’re not a virgin?” she asks, surprised.
I swallow. “I guess you could say that.”
She looks down. “Wow. I never would’ve guessed.”
“We all have secrets,” I say quietly.
“I want to be your friend. So badly, Raz,” she starts. “I trust you but at the same time, I don’t. It’s nothing you did, it’s just I’ve been hurt so many times before.” She drops her gaze. “I don’t know if I want to take the chance.”
“I’m not going to hurt you, Maymee. You know that.”
“I don’t think you would want me to be something I’m not, either. I understand why you lied about Bethany, and who you were. I would’ve lied too if I thought it would get people to like me.”
She emits a heartless laugh. “Hell, I have.”
“You don’t have to measure up to anybody’s standards, Maymee, especially not mine. I don’t care how many people you’ve been with,” I insist, shaking her a little. “You’re perfect when you’re just being yourself.”
“How? How can I be myself?” Maymee casts her eyes to the grave marker. “I don’t know how to act normal. All people see me as is a whore. Nobody’s really been my friend because they liked me. They all wanted to get something from me. Let’s face it, Raz. Nobody will ever accept you, or me, simply as we are.”
“Yes they will,” I insist. “I accept you for who you are! I see you as Maymee. That’s all.”
Maymee blinks. She’s got more tears in her eyes now. “I can always trust you, Raz,” she says softly. “You were the one who told me the truth about Bethany first.”
She wraps her arms around me, and hugs tightly. “Out of all the people in the world, sometimes I feel like you’re the only one who never lies to me.”
Chapter 10 - This Is the Sound a Broken Heart Makes
I wake up the next day, and the day after that, with a headache. Maymee and I walked home late from the graveyard. I’ve barely slept since, my dreams full of tombstones and old songs. They’ve been bothering me at each audition I go to. So far, I haven’t done good at any of them.
Someone’s making coffee in the room; Puppy must’ve slipped in using the spare key card I gave her. I rub my eyes and get up sleepily. “What time is it?”
“Ten thirty,” Puppy says cheerily as she pours a cup.
“Ten thirty?!” I say. I leap out of bed. “I already missed the first audition! I’m going to be late for the second—”
“Listen, Raz,” Puppy interrupts. “You’ve been working too hard at all these auditions. You need a break.”
“There’s only a few more days left on the trip,” I protest. “I have to keep trying.”
“Maybe if you weren’t trying so hard it would come to you, too,” Puppy says, shrugging.
“What?” I feel like I’ve been hit in the head with a hammer. Maybe I’m still sleepy. “What are you talking about?”
“I got a couple more offers for a few closed auditions,” she says. She takes a sip of coffee. “Ferio’s been helping me. I booked a commercial last night, actually.”
“Really? How come you didn’t tell me about this?” I instantly ask.
My anger doesn’t phase her one bit. She takes another sip of her coffee. “I didn’t want you getting jealous,” she says. “I know how you are about this sort of thing.”
“I’m not jealous,” I say, even though I totally am. “I’m just pissed you didn’t tell me.”
“Don’t be upset. It’s only one commercial, it means nothing. I know that if I told you that you’d get distracted about your own auditions, like you are now.” She pours some more sugar in her coffee.
“I’m just saying, if you’re my girl—” I take a deep breath when she raises an eyebrow. “—I mean… if you’re interested in being in a relationship with me, I want to celebrate with you when something great happens. I don’t like secrets. You know that.”
“Geez, Raz, if you’re this overbearing maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship. Do I have to tell you everything that’s going on in my life?” She rolls her eyes.
I stop. She’s right. If I make one false move, I could lose her. I can’t lose her, not after I’ve liked her all this time.
“Sorry, Puppy. I wasn’t thinking.” I hastily apologize.
She smiles. “It’s all right. But start calling me Carmen.” She nabs my sunglasses from the side of my dresser and puts them on.
“Carmen?” I ask, completely perplexed. “Why would you want me to call you that? I’ve always called you Puppy, from the first day we met.”
“It’s my real name. I have to go by it here. Puppy is sort of embarrassing,” she admits.
“Not back home,” I protest.
“Does this look like Limesville to you?”
“No, but…” I hesitate, then say quietly, “I gave that name to you.”
“If you want to call me that in… private…” she whispers, “That’s completely fine. Just please don’t do it with other people around.” She kisses my cheek.
I gulp and nod. What’s in a name, anyway? She might be Carmen to everybody else, but she’s my Puppy, and she always will be my Puppy. That’s all that matters.
“I have to talk to some people about the commercial, but I’ll be able to hang with you later. I hope you understand,” she says.
“That’s okay, I think I’ll just go to the beach, anyway.” I take her hand and squeeze it.
“I know we haven’t been spending a lot of time together, so I’m going to have a surp
rise for you tonight.” She smiles. “Come to my room at seven, sharp.”
“I will,” I say as she leaves the room.
All day, Puppy is all I can think about. I decide to take her advice and take a day off from auditions to tour the Kodak Theater, visit some of the studios as a tourist (not to audition) and strut down the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
It’s a peaceful day. For the first time since I’ve gotten here I feel truly happy, and not stressed out.
I consider calling Maymee, but I know if Puppy catches us hanging out she’ll erupt, so I don’t risk it.
I arrive late that night back at the hotel, but what’s even worse is that Puppy isn’t ready to open the door to her suite when I get there.
“Puppy, what’s taking so long?” I say. I’m nearly bouncing off the walls with excitement. I’ve been longing to see her all day. “I want to see you!”
“Oh, you will.” Puppy’s voice comes out in a tease through the door.
“Seriously, what’s the deal?” I mutter, beginning to pace. This is driving me nuts. Haven’t we spent enough time apart?
“Okay,” she calls through the door. “It’s open. You can come in!”
“Finally,” I sigh, pushing it open. “I’ve missed you so much, you have no idea—”
My words drop out of my open mouth.
There are rose petals all over the bed, and slow music plays in the background. My eyes are glued to Puppy. She’s wearing a red, lacy bra and a crimson thong, both of which are covered up by a see-through silk robe.
She’s wearing a huge smile. She moves toward me slowly.
“I caught you staring at them when we were in the lingerie store,” Puppy says. “I thought you’d need help in order to do it.”
“Do what?” I ask hoarsely. My throat is raw.
“I think you know,” she says. She lays on the bed and props her head up on her hand.
I swallow. “Puppy, this isn’t right.”
“What isn’t right is what happened to you,” she says. “And now we can make it right.”
The thought is tempting. Here’s Puppy, all for the taking. Mine, just like I always wanted.
But this certainly isn’t the way I want this to go.
“When did you come up with this? For crying out loud, we haven’t even talked about this!” I say.
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while, since before we got here,” she admits. “And I know that I said people change after they do it, but the thing is, I’m ready. I know I am. And waiting for it doesn’t really matter anymore.”
“It matters to me,” I protest.
“Why?”
“Well, I was hoping we could save it for when…” I swallow. “Well, you know.”
She stares at me. “Raz, I don’t want to get married.”
“I don’t mean now.”
“Maybe not ever. And probably not to you.”
I’m suffocating.
She said maybe. Probably. There’s still hope. “I don’t think I’m ready,” I flounder.
“Raz, everybody does it. We’re practically the only virgins left in our grade. Grow up.” She starts to untie the robe.
“No!” I say, completely horrified. “Are you insane?”
“Raz, just get in the bed.”
She’s willing to give up everything right here, to me, and the more time that goes by the weaker I feel.
I can’t keep this up for long, not with her dressed like that. I have to put an end to this now, before I do something I regret.
Because as badly as I want to be with her, it doesn’t overshadow the fact that I’m not ready for this.
“Will you listen to me?” I say. “I was raped, okay? It was a year ago, and I’m not over it! I’m never going to be over it! We haven’t even been dating for a couple of days, and you don’t even want to call me your boyfriend, but you want to have sex with me? Don’t you think we’re moving too fast?”
She gets up off the bed. “Look. This is the perfect opportunity. Our parents are gone. We can take all the time we want to, and go really slow so it’s comfortable for both of us. I promise I won’t do anything that’ll make you upset.”
“You’re doing it now!” I feel like I’m in a bad dream, so why can’t I wake up? I have to keep reminding myself I don’t want this…
“Don’t you want to be over it?” she asks. “Don’t you understand why we have to do this? If you can do this without any problems, it’s like the rape never happened. They’ll be no more flashbacks, no more bad memories. It’ll all go away, and every time you think about sex you’ll think about this and not what Cayman did to you.”
“That logic is so messed up,” I say. I back away and shake my head. “Don’t you realize how totally fucked up this is?”
“But it’s crazy enough to work,” she says. “Isn’t that what we’re about? Making crazy things work out? Like the movie?”
“The movie was different.”
“You want somebody else,” she says. “Not me.”
“No Puppy, you don’t understand.” My voice is shaking. “It’s not about… me not liking you or… you not being attractive enough.” I take a deep, shuttering sigh. “I just don’t think I’m ready for this.”
I don’t want to tell her this, but secretly, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready. The whole idea of this is absolutely terrifying me. The thought of having sex, even with Puppy, is way too scary. It makes me remember what Cayman did to me. I can feel a flashback coming on. If I don’t end this, and end this now, it’s going to result in a full-on breakdown.
“You don’t love me,” Puppy says. She’s on the verge of tears.
I start crying. “No. No, it’s not that.”
“Raz, if not me, who? Nobody is better than me to help you get over this. I’m willing to give up my virginity to help you.”
“I would never take that from you!” I shout. “Having sex isn’t going to make me feel better about being raped! It can’t erase what happened!”
“Listen, I know you’re really big on the God thing…”
“The God thing? Is that what you’re calling it now?” I say, anger rising.
“I respect your beliefs.”
“Do you?” I say, more harshly than I should.
“Come on, just try.”
“Puppy,” I say, with a harsh finality, “I don’t want to have sex with you.”
A chill passes between us. She stares at me, and I stare back at her. Both of us are crying. I shudder, knowing that the void that I’m going to make is one that I’ll never be able to fix again.
“And if you’re gonna insist on it, if you’re going to try and force me into it then… then we’re done.” My heart breaks with the two words. “Whatever we are, our relationship, our friendship… it’s over.”
The look on her face is terrible. It’s the worst expression in the world. It looks like I’ve taken a rock and crushed her face in.
I try to recover. I go to give her a hug, but she pushes me away and turns her face to the window. “You’re so stupid,” she whispers, tears streaking down her face.
“What do you mean?” I choke out.
“You have no idea how...how juvenile and naive you are,” she whispers. She takes a vase from the bedside table and shatters it on the floor. I jump as the fragments fly everywhere. The noise rakes across my ears and leaves scars. In that one fragile moment, I understand that the shattering noise will haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life.
She points accusatively at me. “You’re practically a cartoon character! A clown! Damn, Pepper was right. I can’t help you.” She throws her arms up high and gazes at the ceiling in despair.
“Pepper?” I whisper. “Is that what—”
“Yeah. Pepper and everybody else caught on. For the past few months I’ve been trying to change you, trying to get you to be less of a dork, less of a tool. Nobody’s going to hire you as an actor, Raz, and do you know why? It’s because you’re a joke! Nothing’s
been the same between us forever, and it’s because I’ve become an adult, and you’re still a stupid kid.”
She laughs bitterly. “Do you think I actually like you? I’ve been trying to turn you into someone who won’t get eaten alive out there in the real world! I kissed you because I feel sorry for you!”
“Puppy, you don’t know what you’re saying,” I say, and I start crying harder.
“It’s true! You have no idea what’s going on, no idea what real life is like!” Puppy slaps her forehead. “You think everything’s a story, like fame’s going to fall into your lap and we’re all going to be okay in the end! You and Bethany stole a car together, but you’re still innocent and immature! I don’t know why you can’t just grow up! I used to love the way you acted like an idiot, because it was entertaining, but the older we’ve gotten the more annoying it is.”
She shakes her head. Then she says something terrible. “I just don’t understand why you have to be so different.”
Maymee’s words pop into my head from the other night. Nobody will ever accept you, or me, simply as we are.
“What about you?” I snarl. My temper breaks. “You’ve been acting like a bigshot ever since we made the movie. No, forget it, before the movie! When I started talking to Maymee!”
“That’s another thing! You always pick the worst friends!” Puppy screams. “Maymee’s such a slut, the biggest whore of the school, yet you still want to hang out with her!”
“Maymee isn’t a slut or a whore, and you’d know that if you gave her a chance! Maybe I’m looking at one of those bad friends right now.”
I instantly want to take the words back. I don’t regret being Puppy’s friend for a second. I love her.
“That’s fine, because honestly, I regret being your friend in the first place. The movie was the only good thing you ever did for me!”
Both of us fall silent. We look at each other. We’re a mess.
It’s quiet for a long, long time. Finally I speak. I have to. I have to try to save us, to save her.
Save me.
“I’m sorry.”
The words hang as an offering, a lifeline. If she doesn’t take it ,our friendship is over. I’m over.