Currently, around 800 million fortune cookies are made for export each year in China.
Fact. Fortune cookies have never been Chinese. And you won’t find them there now. In fact, a recent attempt to market fortune cookies to the Chinese was met with failure. They are “too American.”
Records of Japanese people making a version of the fortune cookie date back to the eighteenth century, and the practice probably began long before that.
It is still unclear precisely how the practice was adopted by Chinese restaurateurs in the U.S. One theory is that the original Japanese fortune-cookie makers in the country might have been detained during the Japanese-American internment in 1942, leaving a niche that Chinese workers filled.
Fact. The Multi-State Lottery Association had to distribute $19 million in unexpected payouts after winners got their numbers from fortune cookies that were manufactured by Wonton Food in Long Island City, New York. Wonton Food pumps out 4 million fortune cookies a day in their factory, and supplies them to restaurants all over the country.
When told by the New York Times that 110 people had won the lottery thanks to their fortune cookies, Wonton Food vice president of sales Derrick Wong said, “That’s very nice!”
Bullsh*t! Fortune cookies are a distinctively American industry. The vast majority of the 3 billion made each year are produced here in the U.S.A.
HONEY!
Honey is an ancient food. Humans have collected and eaten honey for well over 10,000 years. Honey was cultivated in ancient China and Mesoamerica, and it was a popular sweetener in ancient Egypt. The Egyptians and Assyrians sometimes used honey to embalm the dead.
Honey is flower nectar that has been consumed and subsequently excreted by honeybees. The nectar is consumed, pooped, consumed again, and pooped thousands of times before it adopts the viscous consistency and amber color that we like in our honey.
It’s possible to become severely intoxicated by eating honey. Honey made from certain rhododendrons contains grayanotoxin–eating it can make you dizzy, weak, and nauseated, and cause you to sweat and vomit. Toxic honey was used (with lethal effect) as a weapon against the Roman forces of Pompey during his campaign in Asia Minor.
Fact. A cave painting in Spain, more than 10,000 years old, depicts women gathering honey. In ancient times, Mayans cultivated honeybees, which they regarded as sacred. Beekeeping was practiced in China 3,000 years ago.
Even without refrigeration, honey in a properly sealed container can last indefinitely. In ancient Egypt and parts of the Middle East, corpses were sometimes embalmed in honey.
It’s nice to know that some mummies are sweet on the inside.
Bullsh*t! Honey is not bee poop. Bee vomit would be a more apt description, but still not strictly correct. Dehydrated bee regurgitation is pretty spot-on.
In the hive, the nectar is regurgitated mouth to mouth from one bee to another, until it is deposited in the wax honeycomb.
Thousands of bees help to dry out the nectar by flapping their wings. (This is why a beehive is constantly buzzing.) The result is the gloppy goo that we love so much.
Fact. In the first century B.C., the Roman legions passed through a narrow valley and came across a large cache of honey. As pillaging soldiers are wont to do, they appropriated the sweet stuff and consumed it on the spot. Little did they know the toxic honey was a gift from their enemies. As the legions fell collectively sick, they were ambushed and easily slaughtered.
In mild cases of toxic honey, you’re back to normal in twenty-four hours. In extreme cases, toxic honey can kill.
Use “honey poisoning,” on me, as an excellent and original call-in-sick excuse.
GUMMI BEARS!
The gummi bear was invented in 1922 by Hans Riegel in Bonn, Germany. It was originally called the Dancing Bear, which he delivered personally to customers on his bicycle. The company he founded is still around today, and is still a major international seller of gummi bears.
Gummi bears and other gummi candies contain the gelatin-friendly sweetener xylitol, which has been found to be three times as likely to cause cavities and tooth decay as regular sugar.
A North Carolina company makes and sells the World’s Largest Gummi Bears. The behemoths are larger than a football, weighing in at 5 pounds and measuring 9 inches tall. One giant gummi bear has 12,600 calories, representing the equivalent of 1,400 regular-sized gummi bears.
Fact. Hans Riegel founded the Haribo company in 1920 (Hans + Riegel + Bonn = Haribo). Haribo gummi bears are ubiquitous and popular, and sold worldwide as Gold-Bears Gummi Candy.
Bullsh*t! The gummi bears we buy in stores do not contain xylitol, and are no more likely to cause cavities than any other candy.
Recent scientific studies have tried out gummi bears with xylitol in them on children, and found that not only are xylitol-laced gummi bears less likely to cause cavities, but that the sweetener actually fights cavities and prevents tooth decay. More tests are under way.
Soon we’ll be having gummi bears before going to bed instead of brushing our teeth!
Fact. It is not known if they truly are the world’s largest gummi bears, but that is the official name of the product manufactured by GGB of Raleigh. One bear has a shelf life of about a year, which is about how long you’ll need to eat all ninety servings. (Or a week if you’re my cousin Randy.)
THE TWINKIE!
In 2010, as an example for his students, a nutrition professor at Kansas State University went on a “Twinkie diet” for eight weeks, eating only junk food items from a convenience store at every meal. The result? He gained a whopping 27 pounds.
Former President Clinton is a fan of the Twinkie. He placed one inside his National Millennium Time Capsule, alongside the complete literary works of William Faulkner and the recordings of Louis Armstrong.
The urban legend that claims Twinkies have a shelf life of over ten years is patently false. A Twinkie does last longer than most baked goods, but its actual shelf life won’t blow any minds: twenty-six days.
Bullsh*t! The “Twinkie diet” lasted ten weeks, and Professor Mark Haub lost 27 pounds. The trick? Calorie counting. By limiting himself to 1,800 calories a day, the professor reached his ideal weight, his bad cholesterol went down, and his good cholesterol went up. Haub ate Twinkies every day on the diet, as well as Nutty Bars, powdered donuts, and Doritos.
Fact. Clinton’s time capsule was to be filled with artifacts, ideas, and accomplishments that represented America at the turn of the millennium. Besides Faulkner, Armstrong, and the Twinkie, future people will find a model of the Liberty Bell, the Hawaiian state flag, a picture of U.S. soldiers liberating a concentration camp, and children’s artwork.
Fact. One urban legend asserts that Twinkies have a shelf life of forever, which is, of course, impossible. Twenty-six days is a long time for even a snack cake to last: Twinkies are capable of this because there are no dairy ingredients in the recipe at all.
SPAM!
In 2005, a limited edition flavor of Spam was issued by Hormel: Spam Golden Honey Grail. The collector’s edition tin (and the sweet, sweet meat inside) was timed to coincide with the production of the Broadway musical Monty Python’s Spamalot.
While jokesters will tell you that Spam stands for “Something Posing as Meat,” the name was created in 1941 as a short form of “Supply-Pressed Ham.”
Spam was a major staple during World War II for Allied soldiers. Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev said, “Without Spam, we wouldn’t have been able to feed our army.” President Eisenhower said, “I ate my share of Spam, along with millions of other soldiers.”
Fact. In a perfect example of “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em,” Hormel got in on the fun with the coveted cans of honey-drenched mystery meat.
Original Monty Python member and writer of the musical Eric Idle said, “Spam is the holy grail of canned meats!”
Bullsh*t! When the product was first launched, it was boringly called Hormel Spiced Ham. Hormel held a contest in 19
37 to come up with a more exciting name. An actor named Kenneth Daigneau came up with Spam, short for “Spiced Ham,” and earned the $100 prize money.
Fact. During the war, Hormel shipped 15 million cans a week to Allied soldiers.
Khrushchev’s remark comes from his autobiography, and Eisenhower’s from a 1966 letter to the then-head of Hormel, H. H. Corey. He went on to write, “I’ll even confess to a few unkind remarks about it–uttered during the strain of battle, you understand. But as former Commander in Chief, I believe I can still officially forgive you your only sin: sending so much of it!”
CHAPTER 4
Famous Dead People
Quite a few of us consider ourselves experts on dead people, whether we conduct séances to communicate with them or dig up their 2,000-year-old bones to make a name for ourselves. Some clearly love dead people more than the living, including a couple of history professors I’ve had. (I’m talking about you, Mr. Knueven.)
To truly be an expert on dead people would be a feat indeed, since there are about 100 billion of them in all. And that’s only counting the ones who’ve lived on our planet. I didn’t quite have room to include everyone, so I chose a handful of the most famous people that have ever lived. I’ve learned quite a few little-known nuggets about the historical figures we hold dear, and also that we harbor quite a few misconceptions about them as well.
George Washington chopped down his father’s cherry tree, right? Wrong. Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity? Negative. Nero fiddled while Rome burned, George Washington had wooden teeth, and Lady Godiva rode naked through the streets of Coventry?
Bullshit.
ELVIS!
Elvis was a black belt in karate. He picked it up during his tour of duty in Germany in the late 1950s, and later studied in Memphis under a master sensei who was a former combat trainer for Korean military intelligence.
Elvis recorded nearly 700 songs in his music career, but he only wrote nine of them. Interestingly, the nine he wrote were among the least popular of his recordings.
The FBI opened a file on Elvis Presley during his life, and eventually amassed over 600 pages on the King. There are documents in the files that denounce Elvis as a “danger to the United States.”
Fact. Elvis took up martial arts under the Shotokan sensei Jürgen Seydal while fulfilling his military duties in Germany in 1958. From 1970 to 1974, Elvis trained under Master Kang Rhee in Memphis, Tennessee. Rhee once instructed Korean military intelligence officers and currently runs a dojo called Elvis Karate.
Bullsh*t! In fact, Elvis wrote none of them at all. In biographies and first-person accounts, he was described as lacking the patience required to craft a song from beginning to end. Instead, he preferred to take existing songs and make slight tweaks, usually to the lyrics, to help the song fit his style. Elvis is credited as a cowriter on the songs “You’ll Be Gone” and “That’s Someone You Don’t Forget” (both B-sides), but the other writer, his bodyguard Red West, later admitted to writing the songs himself, with just the “idea” for them coming from Elvis.
Fact. The FBI does in fact have 683 pages of documents in Elvis’s file. The records consist of documents relating to an attempted blackmail of the King, as well as press clippings and letters from the public to the FBI about Elvis. It is in these letters that he is identified as a “danger”; there is no evidence that the FBI itself ever investigated that particular claim.
HARRY HOUDINI!
Before becoming the greatest escape artist of all time, Harry Houdini was a Hungarian immigrant named Ehrich Weisz. Throughout his career, Houdini demonstrated that he could escape from any straitjacket, pair of handcuffs, cage, or tank–often while submerged in water.
Houdini was a pioneer of aviation. He flew his own plane in 1909, just six years after the Wright brothers made history. Houdini took his plane on tour with him, and in 1910 made the first-ever powered flight over Australia.
Although popular myth claims that Houdini drowned during an underwater escape attempt, he actually died of heart failure in his sleep at the age of sixty-one.
Fact. Ehrich was known to friends as “Ehry,” which eventually became “Harry.” He chose Houdini as a stage name out of admiration for the French magician Jean Eugène Robert-Houdin.
While touring, Houdini would challenge local police officers to lock him in handcuffs. He always escaped. He escaped straitjackets by dislocating his shoulders and contorting his body. He was also able to swallow and regurgitate his set of lock picks.
Now that takes skill.
Fact. Houdini took to the skies in his French biplane by 1909, not long after Orville and Wilbur Wright made the first controlled, powered flight in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, in 1903. In March 1910, he became the first to make a controlled, powered flight over Australian soil. He famously announced he would fly from city to city on his next tour, but the plane went into storage and he never flew again.
Bullsh*t! Houdini died at the age of 52, under somewhat mysterious circumstances. It is believed that he died as a result of repeated blows to the stomach by a college student.
Houdini popularly claimed he could take any blow above the waist without injury. He would stave off a slug or two from very strong men simply by inhaling deeply and engaging his abdominal muscles. After a performance, a McGill University student asked him if the challenge was still on, and when he replied that it was, the student punched the unprepared magician several times in the belly. Houdini later died of complications due to peritonitis (caused by abdominal trauma) and a ruptured appendix.
HELEN KELLER!
Contrary to the stories about her, Helen Keller was not born both deaf and blind.
Despite her handicaps, Helen Keller wrote two books in her lifetime, both autobiographies: On Your Own and The Secret of Inner Strength: My Story.
Helen Keller was a Tuscumbian, a Wobbly, and a Swedenborgian.
Fact. Helen Keller was born on June 27, 1880, with both vision and hearing. She lost both at around eighteen months of age after an infection.
Bullsh*t! Helen Keller wrote at least twelve books during her lifetime, and numerous published letters and articles. Two of her autobiographies were The Story of My Life and Light in my Darkness. On Your Own and The Secret of Inner Strength: My Story are the autobiographies of Brooke Shields and Chuck Norris, respectively.
Fact. Keller was born in Tuscumbia, Alabama, which makes her a Tuscumbian. She was a proud member of the Industrial Workers of the World union, which is also known as the Wobblies. Finally, Keller was a member of what is now known as the New Church, founded by Emanuel Swedenborg. Swedenborg was a mystic who believed he was appointed by God to create a new version of Christianity.
Keller’s book, Light in my Darkness, was filled with Swedenborgian philosophy.
MARIE CURIE!
Marie Curie was born Maria Sklodowska in Poland in November 1867. She was the first person in the world to win two Nobel Prizes. She was also the first woman to win a Nobel Prize, and the only woman ever to win a Nobel Prize in two different fields. She discovered two elements: polonium and radium.
The element curium, with the atomic number 54, was discovered by Marie’s husband, Pierre. Curium naturally occurs in the earth’s core.
Marie Curie’s extensive work with radiation eventually led to her death. Even now, Curie’s research notes, letters, and cookbooks, a hundred years old, are kept in lead-lined boxes, and any scholars who wish to handle them must wear protective clothing.
Fact. Marie Curie was the greatest female scientist ever. She won the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1903, and the Nobel Prize in Chemistry in 1911.
Curie was a French citizen, but proud of her Polish roots. When she and her husband discovered a new element in 1898, she named it “polonium” in honor of Poland.
Fact. Curium was discovered in 1944 at the University of California, Berkeley, and named after Marie and Pierre Curie. Curium’s atomic number is 96; 54 belongs to xenon. Curium is a synthetic chemical
element, produced in labs for a variety of purposes. The earth’s core is believed to be primarily iron and nickel.
Bullsh*t! Marie Curie pioneered the field of radiation therapy, discovering multiple beneficial effects, but did not learn quickly enough just how dangerous radiation can be. She conducted numerous experiments and handled substances for which today’s scientists would need to employ a battery of safety precautions.
She died in 1934 from either aplastic anemia or leukemia, almost certainly caused by her extensive exposure to radiation.
MICHAEL JACKSON!
Michael Joseph Jackson was born on August 29, 1958, to parents Joseph Walter Jackson and Katherine Esther Scruse. Jackson grew up in Gary, Indiana, and had six brothers and three sisters: Sigmund, Toriano, Jermaine, Marlon, Brandon, Steven, Maureen, La Toya, and Janet.
Jackson won eighteen Grammy Awards, twenty-six American Music Awards, seven MTV Video Music Awards, three People’s Choice Awards, forty Billboard Awards, and three Presidential Awards; earned fourteen Guinness World Records; and was inducted twice in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Jackson’s song “Bad” was released as a single in August of 1991. The music video was directed by Ron Howard, and the concept was inspired by the fight scenes in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. Jackson originally intended the song to be a duet between his sister Janet and himself.
Fact. Jackson’s siblings Sigmund, Toriano, Steven, and Maureen are better known as Jackie, Tito, Randy, and Rebbie, respectively. Brandon was Marlon’s twin brother, and died shortly after being born.
Fact. Fact. Bullsh*t! Page 9