CHAPTER 6
Sports and Other Wastes of Time
You know the stereotype: sports fans as grunting knuckle-draggers swilling beer and yawping animatedly at a television screen. They can recite every conceivable career statistic concerning some second-string quarterback who retired five years ago. And the athletes! Steroid-soaked jocks subjecting themselves and each other to trauma and torture, just for our bloody amusement. What does it all mean? What contribution does it make to society? Why do we devote so much time and passion towards childish games?
Is it possible that sports are more than they seem? Is it possible that the fans are not mindless fat-necked apes, but actually share a deeply felt, intelligent understanding of something greater than themselves?
Can you look at a figure skater and tell her she’s not an artist? How about a practitioner of yoga or tai chi? Pelé in his prime used all the grace and expression of a dancer in his virtuosity.
It’s true that most sports serve no starkly utilitarian purpose. But neither does the opera. And both can take us outside ourselves, beyond our everyday existence, and tell us stories, show us beauty, and encourage us to dream.
The next time you pass a sports bar that overflows with cheers and cries, think that it is perhaps full of aesthetes who, like the ancient Greeks, make little distinction between sport and art and are actively engaged in elevating the human race to its true potential.
Or maybe they’re just beer-soaked morons.
THE FOOTBALL!
The football is commonly referred to as a pigskin because similar games were played in medieval Europe, using an inflated pig’s bladder as the ball. Pig bladders were used for the inside of rugby balls as late as the nineteenth century. Modern American footballs were never made out of the actual skin of a pig.
While few things are as iconic to America as a football, official NFL game balls are actually made in China. The process is automated: Making modern-day footballs by hand would be too difficult and dangerous for human workers. American-made footballs have not appeared in a Super Bowl since 1941!
In the NFL, no fewer than thirty-six footballs must be provided for each outdoor game. They are inspected and pressure-tested by referees two hours before the game. A minimum of twelve footballs exclusively for kicking must also be provided, shipped in a special tamper-proof box from the manufacturer that can only be opened by a referee.
Fact. The medieval sport was often referred to as “foot ball,” and also called “mob ball,” which was appropriate, because it seems that there were few rules.
A rubber bladder for the inside of rugby balls and footballs was developed in the mid-1800s because people were getting infected by diseased pig’s bladders when they inflated them by mouth. Modern footballs are typically made of cow leather or rubber.
Bullsh*t! In fact, NFL game balls are still made by hand in a small Wilson factory in Ada, Ohio. Every game ball since 1941 has been made there. The factory produces around 4,000 footballs per day, 365 days a year.
Fact. Thirty-six footballs are required for outdoor games, and twenty-four for indoor. They are each tested with a pressure gauge two hours before the game.
When it comes to the twelve kicking footballs, the NFL goes so far as to stipulate that each ball must be marked with a K, and the case containing them can only be opened in the officials’ locker room. This is to combat the fact that kickers were roughing up their game balls, making them softer, slightly larger, and easier to kick.
JOUSTING!
In a joust, competitors race their horses in a straight line toward each other, using their lances to unseat each other. A fence between them, called a tilt, keeps them from running into each other and is the origin of the phrase “tilting at windmills” (meaning to joust or fight for an imaginary or ridiculous reason).
In 2004, a jousting accident at the Texas Renaissance Festival left competitor Trevor MacDermid with a fractured skull, brain swelling, and an inability to speak English. Even after four surgeries and years of therapy, the Brit still can’t understand or speak his mother tongue, but is able to communicate by speaking French.
In recent years, bicycle jousting has emerged as a popular underground sport, with regular competitions in New York City and other major cities. Competitors compete on asphalt or pavement with spears made of metal or PVC pipe, and often on customized, extra-tall bikes. Injuries are common.
Fact. True, all true. In Cervantes’s famous novel, Don Quixote, the titular hero imagines the arms of a windmill to be those of a giant, and he decides to attack the monstrous creature. His somewhat saner sidekick, Sancho, tries to dissuade him.
Bullsh*t! That’s either the briefest short story I’ve ever written or a brand new urban legend that we can spread for fun! Take your pick.
Fact. Brooklyn’s Black Label Bike Club is generally considered to be the originators of the “sport,” staging jousting competitions at its annual “Bike Kill” events. Some compete on mutant “tall bikes” that put them more than 8 feet in the air. That’s a long way to fall.
Other fun-for-the-whole-family competitions at underground events like “Bike Kill” are bicycle-tossing, chugging a six-pack of beer while riding, and, my favorite, the Whiplash: Each end of one rope is tied around the waist of two bicyclists who subsequently pedal away from each other as fast as they can. You can imagine the result.
THE NBA!
Perhaps the most significant year for the NBA was 1979. During that year, the NBA adopted the three-pointer, and rookies Larry Bird and Magic Johnson joined the organization. These three factors reversed the major decline in popularity that the sport and the league were suffering.
At the time this book went to press, the record for most points ever scored by a single player in an NBA game is 100, held by legendary player Wilt Chamberlain; the record for most total points ever scored in an NBA game is 370, in a game between the Nuggets and the Pistons.
The National Basketball Association was created in 1936, and by the 1953–1954 basketball season it had a whopping twenty-six franchises based in cities large and small. Of the twenty-six from that year, only one is still operational today: the New York Knickerbockers.
Fact. The three-point field goal was adopted from the American Basketball Association, a former rival of the NBA. Earvin “Magic” Johnson was selected first overall in the 1979 draft by the Lakers. Larry Bird was actually drafted in 1978 (sixth overall) by the Boston Celtics, but waited a year before he signed in order to play his last year of college at Indiana State.
Bird and Johnson’s rivalry, and the added excitement from the three-point game, shook the NBA out of the slump it had been in during most of the ’70s, when it was plagued by low attendance and poor ratings.
Fact. Wilt Chamberlain of the Philadelphia Warriors scored 100 points in his team’s 169–147 win against the Knicks on March 2, 1962. That 316-point game was also an NBA record until the Detroit Pistons’ 186–184 win over the Denver Nuggets on December 13, 1983. The game went into triple overtime.
Bullsh*t! In the 1953–1954 NBA season, there were only eight franchises, all of which are operational today: the Celtics, Knicks, Hawks, Lakers, Nationals/76ers, Pistons, Royals/Kings, and Warriors.
The Basketball Association of America was founded in 1946, and it merged with the smaller National Basketball League in 1949 to create the NBA. The new league began with seventeen franchises from cities large and small, and then went through a consolidation process until it had only eight, the smallest number there would ever be.
VOLLEYBALL!
Volleyball was invented in 1895 by a YMCA physical education instructor in Holyoke, Massachusetts. The original name for the sport was “mintonette.”
Volleyball was not included in the Olympics until the 1936 Berlin Games. The U.S. team easily took the gold, and the United States vs. Germany game was famously attended by Adolf Hitler himself.
Since 1971, the White Thorn Lodge in western Pennsylvania has hosted a wildly popular v
olleyball tournament annually. Over ninety teams typically participate, including high-quality players from around the world, such as Division 1 players, national team members, and European pros. One thing sets the tournament apart from all the others, however: The White Thorn Lodge is nudist, and all the participants play naked.
Fact. William G. Morgan invented the game for his classes of businessmen who were looking for an indoor sport less rough than basketball but still requiring rigorous activity. (Basketball had been invented only four years before at another YMCA in Springfield, only 10 miles away!)
It isn’t confirmed why Morgan called it “mintonette.” An observer at an 1896 game noted the amount of volleying going on, and the sport was renamed “volley ball,” which has since been fused into the one word we use today.
Bullsh*t! Volleyball’s official debut was in the 1964 Olympics in Tokyo. The gold went to the USSR.
Volleyball was part of a demonstration of American sports in the 1924 Summer Olympics in Paris, but there were no formal competitions.
Hitler was in attendance at the 1936 Berlin games, but there was no volleyball played. According to reports, he was thoroughly annoyed by the success of non-Aryan athletes, particularly African-American track-and-field star Jesse Owens, who claimed four gold medals.
Fact. It’s called the Nude Volleyball Superbowl, and it’s held at White Thorn every year during the first weekend after Labor Day. More than 1,500 players and naked volleyball fans show up.
LUGE!
Luge was invented in the 1870s by a Swiss entrepreneur named Caspar Badrutt, who was looking for activities to entice travelers to his hotel in the winter.
Luge has been an Olympic sport since 1964. Germany has almost totally dominated the event since the beginning, winning seventy medals in the thirty-six total competitions. The United States has only won four medals in luge competition: two silvers and two bronzes.
Luge events in the 2010 Winter Olympics were held at the Whistler Sliding Centre in British Columbia. Competitors complained that the forty-year-old track was too slow, and recorded some of the worst times in the history of luge competition.
Fact. Badrutt’s hotel in St. Moritz, Switzerland, became one of the first winter resorts; before Badrutt’s influence, it was not a normal practice to spend the winter someplace cold. The story goes that guests began using delivery sleds (items would be dragged through the snow on the sleds) for their own recreational use, which resulted in numerous collisions and accidents with people on the mountain. Badrutt organized rules and events around the idea of sledding, and the luge was born.
Badrutt’s resort also paved the way for modern-day recreational skiing.
Fact. It’s hard to say what makes Germans so incredible at sliding around on their backs. Maybe it’s something in the water. Austria’s in second place, with eighteen medals. Several countries participate that have never medaled, including France, Japan, and Switzerland.
Bullsh*t! The track was relatively newly built (first run in 2007) and produced the fastest luge speeds ever recorded. The highest speed belonged to Manuel Pfister of Austria, 154 kilometers per hour, which is about 96 miles per hour.
The track was so fast that it led to a fatality: Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili flew off the track during a training run and collided with a steel pole. Despite its dangerous profile, deaths during luge are relatively rare. Kumaritashvili’s death was the first since 1975.
ARCHERY!
In archery, a certain kind of target is called a “butt,” which is where the expression “butt of the joke” comes from.
When shooting at a target with a traditional bow, you do not want to aim directly at the bull’s-eye. In order to strike the center, you need to aim the arrow a little to one side.
The technical term for a fan of archery is “arctophile.”
Fact. Reassure yourself with the knowledge that, when you’re the butt of a joke, you’re merely a target and not an ass.
Fact. This phenomenon is known as the Archer’s Paradox. A right-handed archer should aim to the left of the target, and vice-versa.
Even though an arrow feels rigid, it flexes quite a bit when it is loosed. The bowstring moves just a little bit sideways when the archer’s fingers let go, which causes the arrow to flex accordingly. This is good, since it helps the arrow stay clear of the bow itself when it takes off. After that first flex, the arrow will flex the other way, turning it back on course. The arrow in flight continuously oscillates, flexing slightly less each time, until it finds its mark.
Bullsh*t! An arctophile is someone who loves teddy bears.
An archery buff is a toxophilite.The term was coined in the 16th century and comes from the Greek toxon for “bow” and philos for “loving.”
THE YO-YO!
The yo-yo as a toy is extremely old. The National Archaeological Museum of Athens in Greece has a terra cotta yo-yo that is dated to 500 B.C. There are drawings of yo-yos in ancient Egyptian temples.
The following are all legitimate yo-yo tricks: the Spirit Bomb, the Gerbil, the Kurukuru Milk, Dr. Tidal Wave, the Kwijibo, and the Iron Whip.
The yo-yo was used as a weapon for a long time. In the sixteenth century, hunters in the Philippines would sit in tree branches and strike their prey with a yo-yo. The word “yo-yo” actually comes from the Chinese yuht yúh, however, meaning “back back.”
Fact. The yo-yo goes way back! There’s no telling who created the first yo-yo, but it is believed to have originated in China. Yo-yos were popular in Europe by the late eighteenth century, and the first yo-yos were produced in the U.S. in 1866.
Fact. Though they may sound like superhero names or professional wrestling moves, all are official tricks according to the National Yo-Yo League.
Bullsh*t! It’s a popular myth that the yo-yo was used as a weapon in the Philippines, but it’s just not true. Filipino hunters in the sixteenth century would tie a rope to a rock, sit in a tree, and throw the rock at their prey. If they missed, they’d use the rope to haul the rock up again. The process calls to mind the yo-yo, sure, but a rock and a rope do not a yo-yo make.
The word “yo-yo” is Filipino in origin. It is believed that the word comes from a Tagalog word meaning “return.” (Yuht yúh is a language in Chinese, and has no relation to “yo-yo.”)
THE FRISBEE!
The term “Frisbee” comes from a nineteenth-century baking company called the Frisbie Pie Company, founded by William Russell Frisbie. The word “Frisbee” is now a trademark of the WHAM-O company; when it originally acquired the rights to a flying disc it was called the Pluto Platter.
The first woman inducted into the World Frisbee Hall of Fame was Ashley Whippet, the California stuntwoman who is credited for initiating a major Frisbee craze after she performed various incredible Frisbee catches and throws at a 1974 Dodgers game. Her acrobatic skills were featured in a critically acclaimed full-length documentary called Flying Free.
Guts is a game in which two teams throw a Frisbee at each other, often with extreme velocity, in the hopes that the opposing team will fail to catch it. The sport is governed by the USGPA, or the United States Guts Players Association. Guts champions are crowned each year at the International Frisbee Tournament.
Fact. The Frisbie Pie Company was based out of Bridgeport, Connecticut. The company’s pie tins (with the word “Frisbie” on them) were popular toys among local schoolboys.
The idea to sell flying discs as toys came from Walter Frederick Morrison. His first design was called the Whirlo-Way, and his later design was called the Pluto Platter, the rights to which he sold to WHAM-O. WHAM-O rechristened it the Frisbee.
Ultimate Pluto Platter, anyone?
Bullsh*t! Ashley Whippet is credited with helping to popularize Frisbee sports, and Ashley did perform amazing disk-catching stunts at Dodgers stadium, but Ashley was not a stuntwoman: He was a dog.
On August 5, 1974, Ashley and his owner, Alex Stein, hopped the fence during a Dodgers-Reds game and immediately
began performing stunts in which Ashley caught the disc in a spectacular fashion. Alex was arrested, but their fame was established.
Stein would go on to create the Frisbee Dog World Championship, which continues to this day. Ashley Whippet was the champion for the first three years.
Ashley’s skills were featured in an Academy Award–nominated short film called Floating Free.
Fact. The sport was developed in the 1960s and continues to gain popularity. The annual tournament routinely features teams from Japan.
A non-competitive version of the sport is known as Flutterguts.
LUCHA LIBRE!
Colorful masked characters engaging in mock battle has been a tradition in Mexico since the days of the Aztecs, and modern professional wrestling both in the United States and Mexico spawned from the long-venerated practice of Lucha Libre. Colorful luchador wrestling masks in the style seen today made their first appearance in the early nineteenth century.
The most famous Lucha Libre fighter of all time was Rodolfo Guzmán Huerta, with the stage name El Santo (The Saint). True to the Lucha Libre mystique, Huerta always appeared in public wearing his silver mask, only revealing his face once, at the end of his career. Huerta appeared in more than fifty Lucha Libre movies, including the (translated) titles Santo vs. the Evil Brain, Santo vs. the Vampire Women, and Santo in the Hotel of Death.
Lucha Libre wrestlers are generally divided into two types: rudos and técnicos. The rudos are the “bad guys” and técnicos are the “good guys.” The three lightest weight classes are mosca, gallo, and pluma.
Fact. Fact. Bullsh*t! Page 15