I pull her into my lap and let her beat her fists on my chest. A sob rips up her throat. Her face is red and her cheeks tearstained. She’s fighting my hold on her, and I take it.
I take it all. I fucking deserve it.
When she finally seems to give up and collapse into me, I tell her, “I’m sorry, peaches.” I don’t know what else to say.
“You--” she tries to speak as she wipes under her eyes, but she can’t. Her gorgeous green eyes stare out the window as she tries to calm herself.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her again, but I know apologies don’t mean anything to her.
“You deal drugs?” she asks with an accusatory tone. She doesn’t look at me. She’s staring at her condo.
“No. The mob does.” That gets her attention. She faces me with her brows raised in both fear and surprise. Her voice goes up an octave as she says, “You’re in the mob!”
I shake my head and say, “It’s not like that.”
She shakes her head and hunches her shoulders, wrapping her arms around herself. “I need to go.”
I grip her hips, I can’t lose her. I know if I let her go right now, she’s gone forever. But it needs to happen. Fuck, as the realization hits me, my chest seems to collapse with pain.
“Peaches, don’t--”
“Don’t call me that!” she yells at me, and looks at me with a raw sadness I’ve never seen on her face. I hate it. I hate what I’ve done to her.
“I’m sorry, Maddy.”
Her composure breaks, and I can tell she’s holding back more tears.
“I’m sorry. Just, just tell me that you won’t say shit.” That’s all I need from her, and I’ll let her leave me.
She looks at me with fear in her eyes. “I didn’t see anything.”
“Good girl.” I try to kiss her, but she pulls away from me. I should expect that.
“I’m sorry, Maddy.” I know this is the end. But I don’t want it to be over. “Is this it?” I ask her, hating how I’m leaving it in her hands.
Her body shudders with a sob, and she falls limp against me.
“I don’t know,” she answers with her head buried in my chest, and I hate it. I hate that she’s making me be the one to pull the trigger. We need to be over and done with though. I can’t let this shit I’m in get to her.
I’ll make sure no one comes after her. I’ll call Nikolai. I’ll get this dealt with. I knew I was going to be bad for her. I never should’ve let it get this far.
“I’m sorry, Maddy. I’ll leave you alone now.”
She cries harder against me. But only for a moment.
“Fuck you, Zane.” She pushes against me and opens the driver’s door, climbing out. She angrily wipes the tears away and walks to her door with her arms crossed over her chest. I sit in the car way longer than I should. Wanting to chase her, but knowing I shouldn’t.
Chapter 20
Madeline
I walk up the stairs, each step feeling heavier than the last, my breathing labored. I’m feeling an array of emotions; anger, sadness and rage. Unspeakable rage. I want to hit someone, preferably Zane.
I knew it! I rage, holding on to the anger and ignoring the pain in my chest. I knew he was no good for me. Why did I have to be so stupid?
I tried to fight him. I can’t deny I knew this was bad. I brush the tears away and hold on to the railing as I slowly walk up the stairs.
He’s a drug dealer! I want to scream, but if I open my mouth, I know I’ll just cry. A fucking drug dealer! A shudder runs through my body. That man was no good. My heart freezes remembering the way he looked at me. I nearly fall on the step remembering the man from a few weeks ago. Fuck! The signs were there. I’m so stupid. He lied to me! How could he?
If my father only knew. He’d be fucking furious. He all but warned me not to trust Zane, but even with my misgivings, I went along with the bad boy anyway. How stupid am I? How stupid could I have been to not see what was in front of me this whole time?
I make it up the stairs and to the window of my bedroom. I peer out and see Zane’s car still parked by the sidewalk. He’s sitting there, staring straight ahead. A part of me wants to run back out there and scream at him, accuse him of lying to me, but another part of me just wants to remain away from him. Far away. It doesn’t matter what I do though. No matter what, I’ll be hurt. And if I run to him, he’ll only hold me and try to make me feel better. And then what will I do? When I’m in his arms, I’m a fucking idiot. I’m weak and stupid when I’m with him. I slam the curtain closed and turn my back on him. I put my hand over my mouth and try to stop crying. It just hurts so much.
My bedroom door opens and my heart stops, thinking it’s Zane.
“Maddy?” Katie asks with astonishment. “Maddy, what’s wrong with you?” She’s quick to run to my side and I lose all composure.
I collapse in her arms, sobbing like a baby. “Zane,” I wail. I try to tell her what happened. About the drugs, the man, the breakup. I try, but even I can’t understand my words.
“Huh?” Katie asks in bewilderment. “Maddy, stop crying, you’re babbling and not making sense.”
It takes great effort to get a hold of myself. I sit up, wipe at my teary eyes and focus on Katie. She’s looking at me with shock, probably wondering what the hell is going on. “It’s Zane,” I manage to choke out over a sob.
“Zane? What did he do? Cheat on you?” Katie scowls darkly. “If he hurt you in any way Maddy, I swear to God, I’ll twist his dick until it’s curved.”
“No, not that,” I say and gulp back another sob. “At least I don’t think so.” But he’s a fucking liar. What else did he lie about? Even as I think the nasty thought, I know it’s not true.
“Then what? What did he do that was so bad that you’re in here acting like a maniac?”
“He’s a drug dealer. Or at least he deals with people that deal drugs.” It’s the second one. It has to be the second one. I refuse to believe he’s any more involved than just owning the place. A million ideas run through my head.
Katie’s jaw drops. “A drug dealer? Are you serious?” she squeaks.
Sniffling, I nod. “I saw these guys unloading it at his shop.”
“Holy shit!” Katie exclaims. She pauses and then asks, “Are you absolutely sure?”
“Yes! I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m sure they're using the parlor as a front. Zane’s reaction after confirmed it.” I rub my eyes. They feel swollen and tired. I feel exhausted. And most of all, broken.
Katie shakes her head. “I can’t believe it. He even brought us by there and let us meet Needles.”
“I know, right?” I sniffle and try to hold on to that anger. “What a fucking fraud.” I give her a pleading look. “What do I do, Katie?”
Katie takes a long time to respond, but she finally says, “The only thing you can do. Stay away from Zane. Far, far away.”
Chapter 21
Zane
I wanted so fucking bad to go after her. I watched her close the door to her condo and I stared at it for a long time. I could’ve begged her to take me back. But what could I promise her?
I can’t leave the mob. They’d hunt me down. They’d hunt us down. Marky’s there now at my place, keeping an eye on her house for me. I refused to leave until I had eyes on her. I called him the second I had the strength to get my ass back here and confront Garret.
I have a sick feeling in my gut. I may be overreacting, but I’d rather that than risk her safety.
It can’t have been more than an hour since we left, but the shop’s deserted. I walk to Trisha’s room, but it’s locked. Needles’ is open though.
“Yo,” I call into his room, holding onto the jamb of the door. “When did they leave?” I need to know. Once they pick the shipment up it takes a few hours to drop it off. But then they'll be free to do whatever. I was hoping I’d catch them and make sure Garret stays away and leaves her the fuck alone.
Needles looks up at me from his drawing pad
and opens his mouth to answer, but then his expression changes and he stands up, letting the pad fall to the floor with a dull thud.
“Bro, what’s wrong?” he asks me and I back up, running my hands down my face.
I keep telling myself it’s alright. I keeping thinking she’ll be fine.
But I can’t fucking lie anymore.
This shit isn’t right. I’m not alright.
My heart twists in my chest. She’s not alright.
“Maddy,” I start to tell him, but my throat closes. I shake my head and pound my fist into the wall.
“How long?” I ask him again. My words come out harder than they should.
“Like fifteen minutes.” I nod my head and swallow thickly. “What happened?” he asks again, and I know I need to tell him.
“I gotta call Nikolai,” I tell him as chills run down my arms.
Fuck, having to make this call makes it that much more real.
I pull my phone from my pocket and dial his number. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be calling to talk about this shit. It’s against code. Nothing is ever discussed on the phone. It’s the reason I drove here.
I press the buttons and put the phone to my ear. Every ring makes me worry more and more, like he’s avoiding me. Like maybe they’re gonna take a hit out on me and keep me in the dark about it.
It’s Nikolai, I tell myself. He wouldn’t do that to me. He was everything to me growing up. He’s not gonna fuck me over like that. Right?
Finally, he answers, “Yeah?” Hearing his voice answer the same way he always does is a good sign. A good fucking sign.
“Nikolai, I got a problem.” I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes. Fuck! I wish this weren’t real. I wish I could just take it back. I’d take it all back to save her.
“You need me?” I can hear him move the phone and I’m guessing he took it off speaker.
“You don’t know?” I ask him.
“Know what?”
“Something happened today at the shop.”
“How bad?” he asks.
I shake my head and reply, “Not bad. It’s just, my girl.” I swallow thickly before continuing. “She was here and went out the back when the van was here.”
“That’s not good, Zane.” Nikolai’s voice is low. There’s a pause before he asks, “Did she see anything?”
I can’t lie to him. “She saw a bit, but she knows not to say shit.” I say the last words with conviction. “She’s not gonna say shit to anyone.” I start pacing the room with my hands in my hair. Needles is watching me like he’s ready to go to war with me. He's always been a loyal friend like that. But he’s nervous as fuck. “She’s good for it. I’d put my life on it.”
“Just calm down, Zane.” He’s talking like there’s nothing wrong with what happened.
“I think Garret’s gonna want her,” I say, and I have to pause. I can’t finish the sentence. I shouldn’t, first of all. This is all going down on the phone and I can’t say shit like that. But that’s not the reason I can’t get it out. The thought of them going after her makes me physically sick, almost unable to speak.
“We won’t touch her. He won’t touch her.” He’s quick to answer, and his words are absolute.
“I have a bad feeling, Nikolai.” I’m telling him the truth. I really do. Something in my gut is telling me she’s not okay, that she's still in danger.
“It’s me, I got your back, Zane.” Hearing Nikolai’s voice telling me it’s alright calms me down a good bit. Maybe it’s all just in my head because I had to end it with her. Maybe that’s why I feel so fucked.
I did need to end it though. She can’t be around this shit. I’ll never be able to bring a good girl into this shit life. I should’ve known better.
“She’s a good girl, Nik,” I tell him simply.
He chuckles low and rough on the other end. “I’m sure she is, and she’s fine.”
“Do you need anything from me?” I ask him. I can’t imagine it’s that easy. That she saw some shit, but they’re just gonna let her go.
“Nah, it’s all good.” It’s silent for a moment. “You alright?” he asks.
No. I’m not alright.
“Yeah, I’m good.” I nod my head and look out the small window in Needles’ room. “If it’s all good and she’s safe,” I feel the need to clarify so he knows exactly what I’m saying. “Then I’m good.”
He hesitates on the other end and my heart stops in my chest. But finally he responds, “It’s all good. And I give you my word that she’s safe. Go calm your ass down.”
I wait another moment, letting the words sink in before I end the call.
“What’d he say?” Needles asks. I shove the phone back in my pocket and try to calm down.
“He said she’s good... It’s all good.”
We stare at each other, neither of us saying shit, but I’m sure we’re both thinking the same thing. He’s lying. She’s a witness, and that means she’s dead.
“Needles, help me take her car back, man.” I can’t even look him in the eyes.
“Yeah, sure,” he says as he takes a hesitant step toward me. “It’s gonna be alright.” He nods his head weakly, barely keeping eye contact with me.
Even he doesn’t believe it.
Chapter 22
Madeline
I shouldn’t be here.
It’s been days since I last saw Zane. Yet, he’s been on my mind ever since. Every waking moment has been spent thinking about him. I can’t get him out of my head. The more I think about my situation, the more I begin to rationalize. So what if he's mixed up in a world of crime? Does that make him a bad person? He said he didn’t sell them. That it wasn’t like that. Maybe they pressured him. Maybe he’s the victim.
I raise my hand and pause right before I knock on Zane’s door, thinking, I should leave.
But I can’t. All I can think about is Zane. I want to see him again, that cocky smile, that chiseled body. I want to feel his strong hands again, touching me, feeling me, caressing me.
I want to feel better, and I know he can make me feel good. I know he can. He’s like a drug made just for me.
Taking a deep breath and gathering my courage, I knock. There’s no answer. I knock several more times. My knuckles rap against the wood and each time the hollow sound makes my heart squeeze harder and harder in my chest. Still no answer. I stand there for what seems like eternity before finally giving up.
He’s not coming to the door. Bastard.
Feeling tears well up in my eyes, I turn away and walk back over to my door.
It’s a good thing he didn’t answer, I tell myself as I storm back inside feeling mad as hell. I should stay away. I always thought he was bad for me, but now I know for absolute sure.
As much as I want to believe those words, I can’t stop thinking about him. Maybe right now he needs me. God, I wish this ache in my chest would just go away. I wish we could get lost in each other and just run away. I think about how well we went together, when the world would disappear around us. How much I miss his touch, his hot lips, his naughty words spoken in my ear.
Goddamn it, Maddy! Be strong!
But I can’t. Just thinking about Zane makes me weak.
“Are you okay, Maddy?” Katie asks with concern as I brush by her.
I ignore her and continue on to my room. There’s nothing she can say that will make me feel better, and in a way, I blame her for my misery. After all, wasn’t she the one that encouraged me to see Zane?
Katie follows me down the hall and up the stairs, but I pretend she isn’t there. When I reach my room, I close the door on her. Before I can lock it, she pushes her way in.
I turn my face to the side to hide the tears. “Please, just go away!”
Kate walks in and closes the door. She crosses her arms across her chest and defiantly says, “No, Maddy. I refuse. I’m not going to let you walk around and treat me this way.”
“I’m not treating you in any way,” I deny.
“Bullshit. You’re taking what happened with Zane out on me.”
“No I’m not.” My words sound hollow. Empty.
“Keep telling yourself that.” Katie pauses and then accuses, “I saw you go over there.”
“So what?” I reply defensively. “I wanted to talk to him.”
“What the hell are you thinking? I told you to stay away from him.” She’s angry, and her words are like venom.
“You know that’s funny, Katie, when you’re the same one that encouraged me to give him a chance.”
“Yeah, I did. I’m not ashamed of it either. How was I supposed to know he was involved in that shit?” I want to argue with her, but I bite my tongue. She's right. I can't blame her for not knowing the truth about Zane.
“You weren’t,” I admit grudgingly.
“Okay then. Now that I know the truth, I want you to do me a favor. Don’t see him. Ever.”
My heart twists in my throat. It hurts. It hurts just thinking about it.
Seeing my tormented expression, Katie presses on, saying, “He lied to you.”
“He didn’t really,” I find myself saying, “He just kept the truth from me. Which isn’t exactly the same thing as lying.”
I can’t believe I’m defending him, I think to myself. After all I’ve said about guys being no-good dogs, and now I’m taking up for someone who's been dishonest to my face.
“Maybe I can change him,” I say, trying to convince Katie as much as I'm trying to convince myself. “Maybe he’ll stop.”
“Are you even listening to yourself?” Katie asks with disbelief. “Is the same Maddy I grew up with, or did aliens abduct her and stick me with this clone? 'Cause you can’t be serious.”
“I know it sounds stupid, Katie, but... maybe Zane will change for me… I mean, I feel like he would…” I trail off weakly.
Kate raises a finger sharply, cutting me off from whatever I might say next. “Stop it, Maddy, just fucking stop. You tried this very thing with Zach. And did that work?”
Hard to Resist: A Collection of Hard to Resist Romances Page 13